Part 1 (Bonnie's POV)

I'm alive despite all the odds against me. But there's so much blame I have towards myself. In my act of putting others before myself, I unknowingly brought about so much loss. I lost my grams helping Damon. Silas killed my dad and Jeremy, even though I did everything to bring back Jeremy. I couldn't bring back dad, he wasn't of the supernatural. I put myself in the back seat of everyone's lives and I did it all because I love my friends. I love Elena and she is now safely put away until she wakes up the day I die. Kind of depressing isn't it? And it was all because of the revenge I unleashed on Kai. And not only that but he came back and killed Jo and the babies she carried. Alaric is in pieces. I thought Elena was the one person we could protect from our misfortune, but I was wrong. And sadly, the amount of times I've died has prevented me from seeing a lot that went on in my friends' lives. But now I'm actually living. It's been a month since Elena fell into the coma. I didn't have to worry about Kai because Damon killed him and saved me. Damon hasn't spoken to anyone besides Stefan lately. Caroline has her own apartment now and got a job, she still goes to Whitmore and we see each other for coffee in between classes and I stay over at her place some weekends. I missed having her as a roommate, it got a little lonely in my dorm.

I wanted so badly to bring everyone together. I was with Caroline at Starbucks when I got an idea. "Hey Caroline...since Christmas is just two weeks away, how about we host a party? I feel like we need each other and we're just not communicating and it's not what Elena would've wanted." "I'm not sure about all that Bonnie..I see Stefan all the time. Damon on the other hand chooses to wallow in his sorry. It's like I'm stuck between feeling bad for him or just feeling like...we're her best friends Bonnie, we've never been selfish with her .and we're actually trying..and he isn't." I really had nothing to say to that. I thought of inviting Jeremy to come to the Christmas get together but decided not to. Speaking of Jeremy, I officially broke up with him. I called him and asked him how Art School was going. He told me he loved it and hinted that he would love it if I would come and live closer to him but I declined. I truly knew our relationship ran its course a long tim ago. I wished him well and told him to keep in touch. There really was a lot to sort out in my life. I was glad to get that one out of the way. After coffee with Caroline, I decided to go back to my dorm and perform a spell. I was going to visit Elena. Technically, I wasn't supposed to but luckily I was resourceful and found a way to transport myself into the room Elena was in without anyone spotting me. And since I made the spell to seal her, I knew how to unseal it so that no one but me could get in.

I held her hand and let her into my thoughts like I was told to when we all said goodbye to her. Elena was sitting on her bed in her old house writing in her diary. "Elena.." She sprang up when she saw me. "You're here!" She came over to me and hugged me. "I thought I wouldn't ever get to see you,"she told me with tears in her eyes. "I had to find a way. I need to talk to you." "I'm all ears, you can tell me over a cup of coffee and snacks." She led me to the kitchen table. Once the coffee and snacks were ready, she came over to me. "so tell me all about what you've been up to..and how everyone's doing." I took a deep breath. "Well Damon isn't talking to anyone besides Stefan. Caroline has a new job as a hostess in this hotel, Matt is usually busy with his police training. Tyler skipped out of town. And Alaric...he's not doing well. I see him sometimes but its only when he needs herbs to help him sleep and when I come over to make sure he's eaten. He keeps reliving the day Jo died.." Elena was obviously saddened by this. "I told Caroline I wanted us to have a Christmas party to bring us all together but she doesn't think its a good idea..and I officially ended things with Jeremy so it's no longer a big question mark. It's odd because for once I don't have to worry about any bad guys. Lily actually left town and we haven't heard from her since. Elena sighed. "that's a lot of news." "what about you Elena, how have you been?" "I've just been revisiting places, conversations with people, it's a lot less lonely that way,"she replied. "I'm so sorry Elena...that this had to happen to you." Elena smiled sadly. "Don't feel bad for me Bon, you haven't gotten to live your life in a long time. Damon will come around..and things will change for the better. You do everything you want to do and after you've lived a long life, I'll live mine..without you but I guess we'll have to make pace with that in time." I hugged her tightly before leaving.

I texted Alaric later on in the day to let him know I was coming over. He doesn't really eat much and he's gotten really thin. I knew he had food in the fridge because I put food in a few days ago. But he needed someone with him to make sure he took care of himself. My heart hurt so much for him. When he opened the door, I was sad to see that he didn't get much sleep even with my herbs. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked so pale and melancholy. "Hey, Ric,"I told him. "Hey,"he said quietly. He let me in and I asked him if he got anything to eat. He told me he ate some toast but that's just what he always says when I ask. "Alright well I'm a little hungry too so I can make something for the both of us." I decided to cook chicken breast with a side of vegetables. I also made a papaya smoothie to drink. I made a couple other things and put it in containers so that he could eat it another time. "Food's ready." I placed two plates of food on the table as well as the smoothies. Alaric took a few bites and then he turned to me. "thanks Bonnie." "No problem." We ate mainly in silence but I told him a few things about my day. "I visited Elena today." He usually didn't respond but this time he did. "Why?"he asked. "I just missed her..I wanted to tell her about everything." I asked him if the herbs were helping and he told me they helped him sleep but didn't stop the nightmares. "Maybe you should get some medicine prescribed to you,"I told him. After we were done eating, I cleaned up and tidied up a bit around the house. There wasn't much of a mess but i did anyway. "I'm gonna host a Christmas party, I'd like it if you'd come. Hopefully Damon will be there ..just let me know alright?" He nodded. I said goodbye to Alaric and told him i left food in the fridge and to call me if he needed anything.

I have so many regrets about Kai. One is that I didn't kill him when i should've before he could kill Jo or place the curse on Elena and I. The other is that i shouldn't have ticked him off. Kai destroyed so much and it was my job to put it back together. I had to take care of Alaric all I could until he got back on his feet. I had to be there for Damon. Maybe I just had to give it time.