-1"Ah, Disney World, the Mecca of vacationers."
"Yeah, it's like, the most awsomest place in the whole universe!!"
"Your mastery of the English language never ceases to amaze me. It makes one wonder how you are able to inhabit this planet sometimes."
"You can just shut your mouth right now. Besides, I'm not the biggest freak here."
"For once."
"I'll pretend you didn't say that, but look at them."
"Who?"
"Them! You think I'm weird? Look at that guy. I think he's a CONSPIRACY THEORIST. He's short and odd, with a mouse-like face and slicked-back, greasy black hair. His skin is all pale and sunken-in. He looks like he's never seen sun or a good meal. Look! His eyes keep darting from person to person, like he thinks we're going to attack him, and do you see the death grip he has on that huge chunk of plastic he probably calls a camera? Can you believe what he's wearing though? A huge black trench coat, black pants, and a… Is that purple, shirt?! He's no even sweating. I know I would be dying. He does stand out though, I mean all those dark colors in Florida? Look, you see his lips moving. You know what he's saying? 'He's in the castle, he has to be in the castle. I will find him.' He's one of those freaks who think that Walt Disney had his body cryogenically frozen and now is kept in Cinderella's castle. He wasn't always this way though. He used to be a physicist, a really famous one. His work was published in all of the best magazines and journals. He used to teach at all of the top universities. Schools would fight over him, and his classes would be packed. That all ended in one foul swoop, though. One day, while he was in the woods near a campus with his class, trying to explain the physics in nature, he was attacked. No, not by a bear, but by woodland creatures, like ducks and mice and skunks. He was in a coma for a week. When he woke up, he was a different person. He thought that someone had tried to kill him. He immediately thought of Walt Disney because he was currently working on the physics of drawings so that anyone could be an artist. He simply chose to ignore that fact that Disney had been dead for years. When he was finally out of the hospital he started telling people all of these weird theories he had about Disney world and woodland creatures. He was fired from his job, and no one would listen to him anymore. He was destroyed. From then on he had dedicated himself to finding the body of Walt Disney and revealing all of his secrets to the world. Look at him now, he's taking pictures of the swirls in the concrete, trying to find a clue. He's going to get kicked out today. They're going to catch him while he tries to sneak into a locked door in Cinderella's Castle. I feel really bad for him, if he had been able to open that door, he would have seen something that would have blown his mind. What? You want to know? I can't, that would be telling."
"Oh, that is just so mature. How do you know all those things anyway?"
"I'm…omni…no…omp…no…OMNISCIENT! I know everything."
"I'm surprised you know what that word is."
"You know what you can do? You can just-"
"LOOK!"
"Huh?"
"The lovely NEWLYWEDS are aglow
With happiness that naivety brings.
Though, the back of their minds are plagued
By the fact they actually left their hotel room.
Even so, their faces shine as brightly as the sun
As they vow to have a wonderful day-
For today, and the rest of their lives.
As if their silly faces to each other
And the holding hands and kissing
Wouldn't give them away,
Matching backpacks deliver their message:
Just Married. In a 'him' and 'her' version, too.
If they looked at the old couple,
They would see what they would become.
Well, maybe not. But even so,
No one is that happy all the time.
But as they embark on their 'new adventure,'
They will walk with smiles and laughter.
Once reality hits in, however,
Arguments will smack the joy out of life.
But the glass still remains half-full for them
And their optimism is still strong.
The husband just checked out the graduation group.
There begins their first fight. Which,
To everyone else's chagrin,
Leads to a first 'make up.'
Oh well, whatever happens-
They vowed 'For better or worse…till death do us part…'"
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"What you just did, you talked weird?"
"I was being poetic."
"Yeah, sure…AHH!"
"What was that?"
"The light!"
"Was it at the end of a tunnel because if it was I would stay away."
"No, it was a fla-AHH!"
"Tourists, I think."
"Yeah Asian tour-AHH!"
"That's pretty funny."
"I swear, if those ASIAN TOURISTS flash one more picture I'm going to smash all of their cameras!"
"Are you sure that's where all those flashes are coming from?"
"Yes! They're all the way over there. And they keep taking picture of things that don't matter. Like that graffiti-ed over bus sign with a picture of Goofy on it. I guess it's not all of them, just the stereotypical Japanese schoolgirls. I mean, come on. It looks like they're actually wearing their school uniform and the pigtails? The pigtails? And positing with your fingers out in a "V" for victory? How cliché can you get? Honestly. And I've already counted three cameras on the one who's taking the picture, 2 Nikon digital cameras and 1 Fuji digital camera. And all bets are that that phone of hers has a camera too. She's taking a picture of everything she sees. I'm going blind over here! What is she doing?!? It's a freakin' wrapper on the floor she's taking a picture of. It's LITTER! And those children. Those children are the kind that makes me wish child abuse wasn't illegal in this country. The one girl who's Kyoto's uprising protégé is actually okay, but the brother and sister that are practically joined at the hip? Come on, parents, have you heard of Prozac? Sure, the little costumes are cute, but the constant screaming. What kind of parent allows their children to act like that? Oh right, the trigger-happy mother who's worst than the two Japanese schoolgirls, and the father stuck in Feudal Era Japan and retelling the glory days of his family heritage. Who cares that your great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a shogun to the Emperor? That poor tour guide. You can just tell he's only doing this as a summer job and hating every moment of it. He has perfected the "grin and bare it" policy. I'll give anything that if you give him a knife, somehow it'll accidentally find its way in that father's throat."
"That's a little extreme don't you think?"
"NO! My eyes hurt."
"Oh,
they're about to hurt a lot more."
"Why?"
"I saw across the way cameras flashing.
Making their way through the crowd were
A cameraman, a mic man, a woman
In dress jacket and skirt, and finally a bald
Young boy and his doting mother. After observing them
Cross the room (and go to the front of the line
Waiting for access to the shuttle room)
I recognized the woman and boy.
She was on the evening news, her face plastered
On billboards up and down the East Coast.
While her name escaped me, her invisalign smile
Gave her away. The inflection in her voice as she
Walked and talked with the boy, so gentle, so feeling.
It was certainly her cup of tea.
She had done many segments such as this before.
Her business suit certainly suggested the deep sorrow
She felt deep inside for this poor soul.
She was undoubtedly in the spirit for a day at the park,
She had the princess manner down to a "t." In her own way,
She was the princess on a white horse, rescuing the poor (dying) prince.
The boy, of course, was the MAKE-A-WISH CHILD.
He suffered under that pesky disease, leukemia,
Ever so common these days, or so it seemed
When it came to Disney. He wore a Yankees cap,
An American Flag t-shirt, and a pair of jeans.
Ever so humble, he shied away from the camera, or perhaps
He was pushed out of the way by someone
Trying to make her big break. The mother, in a sundress,
Stood in the background, quietly sobbing tears of … something.
She shook with her tears, and one could not discern
Whether she was laughing or crying. And the entire time
The Camera-man seemed rather intent on getting the perfect shot,
But it wasn't of what he was being paid to record.
He was much more interested in the round set of morals
And hoped to someday see the extensive resume of the reporter
Than actually capturing the boy's simple dream. He was just happy
To have this chance to experience a world of magic;
Even if there wasn't much magic left for him…
And at that the mother burst into moans of melancholy and
Grabbed her son as they waited for the shuttle."
"That was weird. This time you spoke in past tense."
"No I spake in past tense."
"Spake??"
"Yes, spake."
"Alright. Why are we talking about strangers."
"I believe it's because we're waiting for this stupid shuttle."
"Oh, in that case, my turn. You see that family over there. No, not them, them. Yeah, well they're…oh, the FAMILY FILLED WITH HATRED. Yeah, I can be poetical too. They are called that for a reason, they all hate each other. They're one of those families that you love to watch blow up in the middle of Tomorrow Land. Eww, look at the mom. Yeah, the one in the itsy bitsy teensy weenie black bikini. I swear, that's the mom, not the daughter. She thinks she's still in her twenties, not twice that. She hits the tanning booth way to often to be healthy, and her scars from her C-sections stand out wonderfully on her leathery skin. See the shiny thing on her stomach, she's got her navel pierced, and unfortunately for the rest of us that's not the only thing pierced. She loves talking about her new nipple rings while in public. She's got an entire cosmetics department's worth of eyeliner and mascara on. Just wait till she hits the water rides- it'll look like an oil spill. Her hair is so bleached I'm surprised it's still on her head. And who needs a face lift when you can have your ponytail so tight that it pulls your skin up? The look sort of works though- from far away I'm sure she looks like a total hottie, but get within twenty feet and, YECH! She really is a sad woman though. She's a stay-at-home mom who never finished college. All of her time is spent at nail, tanning, and hair salons, the teen section in department stores, and the gym. Don't feel bad for her though, she's had ten affairs to date. All of them with barely legal boys, two of them her daughters boyfriends. The father of this happy band is that poor sucker right there. He used to be the head football player, shoo in for the pros, but he broke his leg and that ended his dreams. Now, despite his six five stature, he's a frail and broken man. His face is drooping, and his hairline is receding. He looks as if even the happiest place on earth couldn't cheer him up. He looks absolutely ridiculous with a graying t-shirt, tropical flower print swim trunks, and a bright red fanny pack. He doesn't look like it at the moment, but he's actually an accountant from a very large firm. His job is quite nice, lots of power, and even more cash. He always takes a chunk of his paycheck and puts it in a separate account though. It's the only thing that his wife has no control over. He had been planning on giving it to his son, but he wasn't sure anymore. Why? Well, have you seen the son? He used to be just like daddy, except he played basketball, not football. He never wanted to though, his parents made him. He would have much rather acted. Well he does, now. You see, in his freshman year of high school, he was the youngest kid on varsity, and this one senior, the captain, was his mentor. Well, long story short: boy meets older boy, boy realizes he likes boys, relationship with older boy ensues, caught by rest of team, older boy kicks boy off team, effectively ending their relationship, and boy's sports dreams. Now, boy's, I mean the son's, parents never found out what happened. They don't even know that, well boy likes other boys. All they know is that boy, their son, traded in his popped collars and stylishly ripped jeans for tight black shirts and tight dark jeans. That kid must be dying in this weather, and how is he going to swim in that? I see no room for tighty-whities, let alone swim trunks, in those jeans. Anywho, he died his hair black and wears it kind of short, but not, but with the bangs covering one of his eyes. Look, he takes after his mom, he's putting the finishing touches on his eyeliner. See that girl standing sort of next to him, yeah, the one that looks normal, well she's his sister. She is the perfect all-American girl, counterpart to what her brother used to be. She, unlike just about everyone else here, looks like she's going to Disney World. Natural blonde hair in a ponytail with a visor to keep the sun away, Abercrombie and Fitch tank top and shorts, and Old Navy flip flops to finish the ensemble. She hates her family. She hates her mother for being a slut. She hates her father for not having the, uh, guts to divorce her mother on the grounds of being a slut. She hates her brother for being an emo freak. Oh, and she, unlike the rest of her family, knows what happened with older boy, and it just makes her hate her brother more. She thinks that her family messed up her perfect little world, a world that isn't so perfect. She goes to all kinds of crazy parties. She drinks and smokes and does all kinds of things that would make your grandmother blush. She always has at least two boyfriends at a time, if not five or six. She's on the fast-track to living in a trailer park. Oh, this is going to be interesting. They're arguing over what they're going to do first. I so wish I had some popcorn right now. Ow! My ear, that girl can yell! Look, now she's trying top get away from her family by standing on the other side of the station. Mom looks real made, fuming at the wall like that."
"That wasn't very nice."
"And?"
"At least their not the worst family here."
"What could be worse than those people?"
"Them."
"Oh…"
"As if the sight of the couple-way-too-into-each-other wasn't enough,
Eyes burned at the sight of the 'LOVING' FAMILY.
Even the newlyweds shirked away from the nametags.
The older couple glared at the fanny packs.
And all with the slightest sense of fashion
Scoffed at the matching shirts and caps.
The mother and father both have their fanny packs in place-
Filled with the "essentials:" tissues, sunscreen, bandages,
Insect repellant, chapstick, IDs, Wet Wipes…
Everything a person can find in the First Aid Dept of the park.
The children's fanny packs hold similar items.
As if the parents can't carry enough for the four of them.
The hate-filled family that's standing near them
Makes them stand out even more.
Not that the hate-filled family can even stand that close-
The backpacks the loving family is carrying are the size of a small country.
Each backpack holds enough unnecessary supplies
To keep them alive in case of…any situation involving:
Dehydration, starvation, burns, snake bites, influenza, and poison ivy.
Plus some extra supplies in case they need to survive in the wilderness.
As the young boy learned from his father and the Boy Scouts-
"Always be prepared" - Even if that involves several "what-if" scenarios.
They all walk proudly, and synchronized.
They smile. They smile too much, if such a thing is possible.
How their faces don't hurt was amazing.
They have maps of the park ready and marked- routes and all.
They speak in hushed tones as if anyone cares what they have to say.
The mother reaches into her bag and pulls out…food-
From the continental breakfast-
That the hotel doesn't want people to sneak out with…
As the children walk to a garbage can to throw out the trash
The mother advises them to hold hands and look both ways.
Which they do… though they don't have to cross a street to get to the trashcan.
The father holds his wife closer as the wife from the hate-filled family begins eyeing him.
The loving mother 'lovingly' glares at her.
The glare that chicks do? With a smile? That.
The children walk back after stopping and looking strangely at the make-a-wish kid.
The love is in the air and chokingly so. Seriously… Hate-filled family is starting to look fun."
"I have to agree with that"
"I know, it's because I am a genius."
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, it's not my fault you're too ignorant to realize my brilliance."
"Yeah what-ow! What was that sound."
"I know."
"Sure you do."
"Behind me I suddenly heard a burst of screams. While some
People ducked for cover, other simply looked around in curiosity
Until they located the source. In unison, three
Older looking teenage girls walked in through the turning doors.
They were the HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES.
Each had a different Disney Princess t-shirt on. The first,
With bleached blonde hair and a spray-on tan, was Cinderella.
The second, with curly red hair and freckles, wore Snow White.
The last, an ambiguously-Asian girl, wore Jasmine. Together,
They looked like a television ad for fun in the sun. On cue,
They all took out sunglasses and put them on (even though
There was no sun, as opposed to from where they had just entered).
Their bikini straps were tossed outside of their small clothing,
Clearly trying to get attention, even from the pre-pubescent boys
Who dominated the area. On their wrists, they each wore a
"Friends Forever" bracelet, a different color for each. Funny thing,
They each kept getting louder than the one before them, like
They were trying to outdo each other. But what difference
Did it make? Because they were, like, in Disney World!
And they're, like, first spot to hit was totally going to be
Splash Mountain. Get wet right away, right? Yeahh!
They, following the idea of Sick-Boy, decided to
Wander towards the front of the line. Of course,
They just wanted to get a picture with Pluto…"
"You spoke in past tense again."
"Spake!"
"What ever. Oh, finally! The bus is here. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no."
"What is it?"
"This means we're going to be in a confide space with these people. Smite me oh mighty Smiter and spare me of this torture."
"You're being melodramatic."
"I'm going to diiiiiiiieee."
"You're not going to die."
"Yes, I am. The schoolgirls are blinding our bus driver. We're all going to die. And they're high pitched 'Mike-a-san!' is getting very annoying. The children are still screaming and the bus is just one giant tin box that echoes. Prozac people! Japan is the third largest group of people who take drugs to help their problems…right after American pets. This is not going to be fun bus ride."
"I wonder why we're not moving yet."
"It's cause of the ancient old couple still making their way to the bus."
"Ancient old couple is a bit redundant don't you think?"
"Fine. They're the ancient, prehistoric, archaic, outmoded, outdated, old-fashion, antique, primordial, old couple. Is that better?"
"Why do I even try?"
"Seriously, they're like moving like molasses. Slower even! Sure, it's all cute that they're holding their hands and all, but that snail is moving faster than they are."
"What snail?"
"That one. On the wall beside them. Seriously, that snail looks like Speed Racer compared to those two. Although, if they move any faster they might break a hip. It's like they think they have all the time in the world and we all can see that isn't true."
"That's not nice."
"Okay, it's not. But they are kinda cute. I bet they were high school sweethearts, but best friends first. He asked the head cheerleader out and she shot him down, hard and she was there to bring him back up. And they were in love ever since. The married straight out of high school and he even built their own house with his bare hand. You know, one with a white picket fence and a farm out back. I bet they have a chicken coup too. I don't know why, but I'm sure they do. They probably live in some tiny town in South Dakota. Some place no one has ever heard of. Judging by the stitch in the man's shirt, either he or his wife was a doctor, but I'm betting that he was. A pediatrician. And she was the schoolteacher. Both retired obviously. I'm sure they have a cozy little house and the inside is full of little trinkets and odd objects. A grandfather clock in the corner of the room with a coo-coo or three, none of which are set at the same time. I can just picture their old faded wedding picture on the wall…above an alter for Adolf Hitler."
"What?"
"You heard me. Those two are Nazis."
"Okay, where in your little story about the typical American household of the 30's did you get that they were fascist?"
"The Nazi symbol cufflinks on the man's shirt."
"Oh. Well, that was unexpected."