Title: I'm Listening

Author: Bonkersfm

Email:

Classification: PG 13

Spoilers: IWTB

Summary: Mulder accidentally coaxes some unresolved feelings from Scully. William fic sort of

Archive: Please ask permission

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully don't belong to me. If they did I'd let them have all kinds of fun in XF3

Notes: I don't claim to have insight into what women (or men) go through when they give up their children. I also don't want to go into the in's and out's of Scully's decision to give up William as I feel that issue has been flogged to death on various forums. This fic is solely based on conversations we haven't been privy to and is my opinion only.

Also – this short story bears resemblance to a 'Frasier' episode.

Anywhoo, here we go:

Why was he doing this? He wasn't a public person. He was a private being, happy in his isolation. But he'd agreed to do this – god knows why. His only American friend from Oxford had followed his passion for psychology and ended up with a radio show. He was sick now, and in desperation to keep others from taking his time slot, he'd begged Mulder to step in.

So far he'd spoken to a forty five year old virgin, a lady grieving her dead cat and a fifteen year old boy who wet the bed. Now he stared at the blank switchboard, willing someone with real problems to call. Thankfully, a familiar face appeared on the other side of the glass.

"Okay, we're at our next news break. We'll be back after this." He slammed the button and leapt out of his chair.

"We'll be back after this?" Dana Scully mimicked as he put his arms around her waist. "This is sucking you in huh?"

"No." He said, planting a kiss on her full lips. "I can't believe I agreed to do this. No one is calling in."

"Maybe it's the time of day."

"No way. This guy gets jammed at this time every morning. Can't you call in?"

"What?"

"Can't you call in with some problem? I dunno, tell me your shy, or lonely, or horny." That earned him a look. "Okay, anything." He conceded.

"We're back in 10." His producer prodded him. He should have asked him instead, he looked like a guy who couldn't make it with women.

"Okay folks, we're back. Kevin, who do we have on line one?" In his efforts, Mulder's accent had taken a thoroughly southern turn.

"We have Laura Petrie." He said, pausing uncomfortably when he realised he had no idea what the strange woman behind him would say.

"All right." Mulder drew it out, giving her more time to think of an issue. "Laura, you're on the air. What's the problem?" When he watched Scully struggling for words he interceded. "I hear you're having a problem with someone at work."

"Er. . ." She stumbled over her words. "I'm calling on behalf of a friend. She has a problem…and she wants my help."

"Okay." He looked over, motioning with his hands for her to expand on the problem.

"She loves her job, but…sometimes it takes over her life." She finished optimistically, as if her bit was done and she was relieved to have it over with.

"How's that?" His voice came out slightly less formal then he'd hoped. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Does your friend find it hard to distance herself, Laura?"

"Yes." She replied, more thoughtfully now.

"Can you give me an example of this?"

"Yes." She answered readily, then paused before she spoke, knowing the can of worms she would opening. "She had a patient three years ago, a young boy."

"Go on." Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea, he thought

"He underwent a series of traumatic procedures at her advisement. She's a Doctor, you see."

"I imagine that's a very stressful occupation, full of difficult decisions. No wonder she struggles to keep her work separate from her home life."

"Usually she can. But not this time. She found out, she told me, a few days ago, that the boy had died. His condition returned six months ago, and his parents decided against subjecting him to further treatment."

"How does your friend feel about that?"

"Guilty. She feels guilty for subjecting him to such horrendous treatments when it would prolong his life, only for him to suffer again."

"As far as I can tell she was trying to safe the life of a young innocent person. She must make hundreds of decisions like this one. What makes this so different?"

"Because it reminded her of another decision she made."

Now he knew what she meant. She had put a hand to her face, covering the sudden urge of emotion that threatened to render her speechless. "She had a child of her own, whom she gave up for adoption. She lived a very dangerous life that she couldn't escape and more than once he was put in real danger."

"He?"

"Yes. She had a son."

"She wanted a better life for him?"

"Yes. She thought she'd done the right thing."

"She doesn't feel that way now?"

"Sometimes. But she feel's guilty all of the time. She felt very guilty when she spoke to Christians mother."

"Because she felt sympathy for them?"

"Because she envied them. How awful is that? For a split second she envied the relationship they had with their son. That he could know how loved he was and for them to feel love from him. She's a horrible person, my friend."

"No. No your not. . .I mean, she's not. The grief your friend feels for her son is not the same as the grief felt by Christian's family. Her grief is less recognised and she feels that there is no resolution to it. She feels she invited her pain, that she deserves it. She's angry with herself because she feels irresponsible and selfish for her choice, when the truth is her act was wholly unselfish. I think your friend understands why she feels the way she does. Deep down anyway. Does she talk to you often?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"Does she have anyone else she can go to? Is she married?"

"Yes. I mean, no. Well, sort of. She lives with someone."

"The father?"

"Yes."

"Has she spoken to him?"

"Not really. She finds it really hard."

"Why? Wouldn't he understand?"

"No it isn't that."

"Tell me about him." Now he sounded indulgent and the look on her face told him she thought as much.

"It's not about him."

"Then why can't she talk to him?"

"Its not that simple."

"Tell me then."

"She doesn't really want to know what he thinks or how he feels. Not deep down anyway."

"Why not?"

"Because she's afraid. She's afraid he'll be angry with her. That he hasn't forgiven her."

"Does he act like he hasn't forgiven her?"

"No. But she wouldn't expect him to. He's a good person." She paused and took a long breath. " She couldn't possibly believe that he would forgive her for taking something so important away from him. How could he still love her after all that?"

"If your friend feels like this all the time, how does she hide it from him?"

"She doesn't feel like it all the time. She was happy for a long time, but this news has brought the feelings back. She doesn't hide it very well. He always knows when there's something wrong. He's very perceptive like that."

He forced himself to leave his thoughts for the moment. "I think, that one path toward your friends healing is to talk to her husband. I don't know the man, but I would say he does not feel the way your friend imagines. He loves his wife and wants her to be happy. He too will be going through feelings of emptiness and frustration but it sounds as if he also would want to be a support to your friend. He may feel that if she were to lean on him a little more, she would get through the difficult times a little easier. I think it might help him come to terms too." He watched through the glass as tears streamed down her face. "The other healer is time. There's no quick fix there I'm afraid. You just need to hang in there, and help each other." He hadn't realised his slip into the first person.

"I know. I know he'd help me. He's a wonderful person. I love him. I hope he knows that."

"He does. I know that for sure."

-x-