This story was spawned from a mindless comment about Itachi's sexual frustration in Crincklescoftrip's "LOOK AT ME!" (which can be found here on if you look it up) And so, we began an age long RP that only stopped when neither of us could be bothered to type any more. Hence it leaves the ending wide open, but nether the less, you will probably enjoy this oddity.

So yeah, warnings for OOC-ness, Random character appearances, organized crazyness, Sex scenes a-plenty, Mpreg and a slight touch of insanity. Oh, and Stressed!Itachi; better watch out for him.

Please be reminded that although I've edited this like crazy to turn it into something publish-able, it still has a couple of random revises and comments left in there so it can be read. Therefore, anything in brackets or in "plain italics with "" at the start and end" are comments or thoughts by us two authors. These were left there by me so you can understand what the hell we're crapping on about :P Even then, it's highly advised that you go read LOOK AT ME! For some parts, such as the beginning, for reference.

Enjoy!

Part 1: How Deidara learned about---!!

-Akatsuki base, main chamber: Itachi talking to Leader-sama about the killing of several civilians over jealousy (see LOOK AT ME!, Chapter 3)

Itachi: Kisame's fucked every half good-looking man in town but me and Orochimaru!
Kisame: cough Um, actually...looks at Orochimaru guiltily

Itachi: O.O You ... you fucked ...
Kisame: Um, now Itachi, please don't-
Itachi: pounces with a snarl

-revised-

Leader-sama: Kisame, it seems that another one of your friends mysteriously set themselves on fire last night.
Kisame: Yeah, and someone broke into my apartment and torched my address book.
Itachi pointedly ignoring stares from shadow king and shark
Kisame: You know what the weirdest thing is? It was BLACK fire.
Leader-sama: Now, who do you know who uses a jutsu involving BLACK fire?

Itachi: stares right back
Leader-sama: Itachi, have you been going around killing Kisame's friends?
Itachi: ... and if I have?
Leader-sama: ... Well, as long as it doesn't blow our cover.
Kisame: B-but-!
Itachi: kicks him
Kisame: TT Okay, okay ...

Kisame: But now how am I going to get laid? TT
Itachi: whistles innocently
Kisame: So, Oro...you free tonight?
Itachi: jaw drops behind Kisame's back
Leader-sama: coughdipshit!cough

Itachi: eyes start spinning dangerously
Leader-sama: Er, Itachi ...
Kisame: backs away SLOWLY Itachi-what, I didn't do anything!
Itachi: steps forward slowly, rolling up sleeves
Leader: Remember, no killing your partners, Itachi.
Itachi: Oh, I know EEEEEEVIL grin
Kisame: very scared now Itachi, please, have mercy!
Itachi: still grinning evilly Come with me drags him to their room

LATER THAT NIGHT!

bump, bump, bump...
Deidara: What do you think they're doing in there?
BUMP, BUMP, BUMP...
Sasori: Something that you don't want to walk in on.
Bump, Bump, CRASH!!
Kisame: What was that?
Itachi: Ignore it, ignore it! AHHharg!
BUMP!!BUMP!!BUMP!!
Deidara: 0.o is scared

Deidara: ...The bumps have stopped.
Sasori: They're probably worn out now.
Deidara: clueless Worn out?
Sasori: Don't go near Itachi tomorrow.
Deidara: still innocently clueless Why not?
Sasori: He'll be sore, that's why.
Deidara: O.O;; Okay, Sasori-danna ...

LATER, YET!

Itachi: OH GOD!!!
Deidara: What was that?
Sasori: Itachi probably just tried to stand up.
Deidara: Un? turns to door
Sasori: No, don't go in!
Deidara: ITACHI! What happened? You look like you were mauled by bear
insert sounds of kunai being thrown, someone falling down, and Itachi letting out another yelp of pain

Morning!

Kisame: Aaah, I think you scared Deidara.
Itachi: lying on his stomach in bed and glaring at Kisame remove. him. now.
Kisame: Takes Deidara back to Sasori You might want to keep him company.
Sasori: I'm glad Itachi didn't kill him. takes the blonde
Deidara: .
Kisame: He tried.
Back in Kisa and Ita's room
Itachi: Owww ... rubs back and tries to rid himself of the pain I hope this gets better in time ...
Kisame: I'm back!
Itachi: Glares evilly Die.

"…lol, perhaps after Itachi recovered from "deflowering" pains, and Deidara's nightmares began to disturb Sasori's sleeping hours, Leader--sama would make Itachi use his eyes to alert the memory to something more like this:"

Sasori: Deidara, don't go in there
Deidara: Oh my god!! cheerful
Sasori: What?...cautious goes inside
Deidara: You guys are...are...!
Sasori: Playing laser tag in the middle of the night? .
Deidara: WITHOUT US!
Kisame: ; Um, we thought you would be asleep?
Itachi: annoyed growl

Deidara: Can we play?
Sasori: . ; I think I'm going to go back to bed.
Deidara: Aww ... but Sasori-danna!
Sasori: Come on! drags Dei-chan out
Kisame: Phew ...
Itachi: ... looks at Kisame ... jumps him
Kisame: MPH!! smothered by a horny Uchiha

"…Hence, Deidara's NEW memory of the next day:"

Deidara: Wow, Itachi! You look like you were mauled by a BEAR! ( -Itachi didn't feel like replacing Deidara's earlier comments)
Sasori: snicker Not a bear...
Leader-sama: Alright, now everyone sit down for our meeting-
Itachi: I can't sit down.
Deidara: Why not?
Sasori: Ignore him.
Deidara: walks up behind Itachi
Itachi: What are you-
Deidara: pushes into chair
Itachi: lands on arse RAWR!!!!!
Sasori: I'd like to be assigned a new partner...--

Itachi: You'll need to be assigned a new partner NOW! leaps on Deidara
Deidara: squeals like a girl as Itachi proceeds to maul him
Everyone else stares
Leader-sama: ...is it just me, or could this be mistaken for a woman's catfight?
Kisame: No kiddin ... watches with amusement as Itachi bites Deidara's shoulder
Sasori: I don't think Itachi wants to kill him, somehow ...
Zetsu: ...Or he'd be dead.

insert sounds of ripping fabric
Kisame:...am I the only one who finds this kind of...
Itachi:pins Deidara
Deidara:punch
slap
bite
growl
wreath
Kisame:...hot?
Sasori:...
Leader-sama:...
Zetsu/Tobi/Hidan/Kakuzu:...

Leader-sama: Well ... now I think on it ... :3
Kisame: They could use some mud, though.
Sasori: ... Grabs Deidara by the collar Alright, enough already.
Zetsu/Tobi/Hidan/Kakuzu: ...
Kisame: Grabs Itachi's arm Okay enough ...
Itachi: snarls I'll kill him ...
Deidara: Like you could evil smirk
Itachi: breaks free, pounces Deidara with a snarl
Deidara: squeals and screams for mercy

Leader-sama: Camera. NOW!
Sasori: Orochimaru was the only one who knew how to work the video camera, Leader-sama.
Leader-sama: ...damn.
Kisame: pries Itachi away from straggling Deidara and walks back toward the Akatsuki bedrooms, trailing his weasel behind him
Deidara:...Where are they going?
Leader-sama: cough
Sasori: sigh .
Everyone else:...

Deidara: Come on! Someone tell me what's going on.
Leader: ... Well Sasori? You're his partner.
Sasori: sigh ... Deidara, come here.
Deidara: scoots over
Sasori: turns a tiny bit red and whispers in Dei-chan's ear
Deidara: Entire face turns bright red SERIOUSLY?!
Sasori: --; nods
Deidara: But ... how can that WORK? I mean ...
Sasori: I am NOT explaining.

Elsewhere:

Itachi: Don't tell me you're horny again.
Kisame: It's your own fault pulls off Itachi's shirt
Itachi: How so? Bites Kisame's ear
Kisame: Nn .. that catfight was hot.
Itachi: Hmm ... licks the shark's ear, and grins I guess I'll have to try and kill Deidara more often then ...

Kisame:pushes Itachi on bed
Itachi: pulls him down with him
caress
bite
nuzzle
grind
kiss
Itachi: looks up from Kisame's neck freezes ...Deidara.
Kisame: WHAT did you just call me?!
Deidara: Un!
Kisame: rolls over, stares...
Itachi:...
Kisame: Um, Deidara...why are you on our ceiling?
Deidara: Danna say he didn't want to explain, so I'm finding out, un!
Kisame: Explain what...?

Deidara: How two guys have sex! jumps down to the ground
Kisame: Uuh ... ;; Didn't you take that class when you were 12 as a genin about 'The birds and the bees?'
Itachi: hides face in pillow
Deidara: shakes head I was already a jounin and doing lots of missions!
Kisame: ;; ... okay ... hmmm ... gets up and goes to his draw
Itachi: ...? removes face from pillow to watch
Kisame: comes back with a book and hands it to Deidara That will tell you all you need to know.
Deidara: Ooo! Thanks Kisame! runs off to read the book
Kisame: sighs, looks back over at Itachi with a smirk Now, where were we?
Itachi: motions for Kisame to come over, and when he does, grabs him by the collar Do me.
Kisame: With pleasure ...

Meanwhile ...

Sasori: Deidara ... what is that?
Deidara: Icha Icha Paradise, Yaoi version!
Sasori: O.O!!!

Itachi: moans as Kisame presses him back onto the bed hands crawl under shark nin's shirt
Kisame: teases Itachi's neck with teeth
Knock, knock, knock...
Kisame: What was that?
Knock, knock...
Itachi: pulling Kisame's head back down Nothing important.
KNOCK, KNOCK, BAM!
door flies off hinges
Sasori: You gave Deidara porn?!?!

Kisame: looks over his shoulder, annoyed What's the big deal?
Sasori: red in the face He-he'll --- want to talk about it -- with ME!
Kisame: You're 45. I think you can handle it.
Itachi: grumbling about the constant interruptions
Sasori: growls You have no idea. You didn't NEED to explain sex to Itachi.
Kisame: Then fuck Deidara. He'd understand quite easily that way.
Sasori: turns a much deeper shade of red I. Will. Not.
Kisame: Good. Now fix the door and leave us in peace.
Sasori: glares deeply, slams the door
Kisame: gets up, bolts it, seals it, then goes back to Itachi Now they won't get back in.
Itachi: sighs good, now ... pulls Kisame back on top of him happily Get back to work ... nips his ear
Kisame: chuckles and bites Itachi's neck lightly, indeed getting back 'to work'

Meanwhile:

Deidara: turning the page, wide eyed, reading with fascination.
Sasori: comes back in, grumbling something about 'killing horny rabbits'
Deidara: Sasori, this is truly fascinating!
Sasori: freezes ...Ok.
Deidara: happily goes back to reading
Sasori: silently sighs in relief

enter Kakuzu walking down the corridor
Deidara: Un!
Kakuzu:...Deidara.
Deidara: Can you answer something for me?
Kakuzu: What's that?
Deidara: What's lube?
Kakuzu:...Ask Sasori.
Deidara: I can't, un! Danna locked me out of our room!
Kakuzu: Ah...I'm not touching this. keeps walking

Deidara: Waaaaiiiittt!! runs after Kakuzu
Kakuzu: annoyed Deidara, I'm not answering. Sasori is your partner.
Deidara: But he won't talk, un! waves arms in the air
Kakuzu: ... sigh ... All you need to know, Deidara, is that lube makes ... it ... easier.
Deidara: blink easier?
Hears a cry from Kisa and Ita's room
Kakuzu: For what the rabbits are doing. jerks his thumb in the direction of the cry and walks off
Deidara: ... looks down the corridor, then at Kakuzu's retreating back ... Makes it easier, huh? ...

Later!

Sasori: looks warily at the blonde What?
Deidara: very happy I found out what lube is!
Sasori: Good.
Deidara: It makes things easier! pulls out a bottle of lube Here! This is for your puppets!
Sasori: ...

Next morning in the locker room:
Itachi steps out of the shower to get dressed
Sasori: thrusts out a container of ultra glide Here.
Itachi: What is this?
Sasori: Lube.
Itachi:...
Sasori: Deidara had it.
Itachi: And why do I need it?
Sasori: I'm not going to use it.
Itachi: deadpan stare
Sasori: And Kisame wouldn't stop laughing when I tried to give it to him.
Itachi: ...where did Deidara get lube?
Sasori: How would I know?! Now, are you going to take this or not?
Itachi: Not. walks away
Deidara: Hi, Itachi! Have you seen Sasori-danna?
Itachi: Hn. gestures toward the locker room
Deidara: Thanks! starts to walk away, stops Un, can I ask you a question?
Itachi: Yes?
Deidara: What are rings used for?
Itachi:...Go find Sasori.

Elsewhere:
Kisame: You look angry. You just ran into Sasori, didn't you?
Itachi: Did you give Deidara lube?
Kisame: laughing Nope.

Locker room:

Deidara: Sasori-danna!
Sasori: freeze ... what?
Deidara: What are rings, un?
Sasori: Metal bands you put on your finger, you moron. You're WEARING one.
Deidara: Nuh uh! The ones mentioned in my book, un! holds up Yaoi book
Sasori: ... Okay, I am not answering anymore questions.
Deidara: But Sasori-danna!
Sasori: No buts about it! If you want to know so bad, go to the library and hire another book!
Deidara: But ... I don't have a library card, un!
Sasori: Here. hands him his (don't ask XD) Now get.
Deidara: Thanks, Sasori-danna! takes off
Sasori: ... walks off, hoping Deidara doesn't get into trouble

Elsewhere:

Itachi: So ... if you didn't give him lube ...
Kisame: I think it's hilarious, the poor kid.
Itachi: glares Then why don't YOU answer his questions?
Kisame: Because that's his partner's job. After all pokes Itachi's nose cutely I believe I had to teach YOU a few things too, am I right?
Itachi: flushes, then glares deeper That's irrelevant!
Kisame: chuckles maybe, but the point is, the partner should teach the other, not someone else.
Itachi: still pink Still, I wonder who gave Deidara lube ...
Kisame: Probably Leader-sama. He probably found it highly amusing.
Itachi: ... Leader is gay?
Kisame: Nah, he just has that type of humour.

Itachi: Even so, Sasori isn't that patient.
Kisame: snort Relax, I'd give this a few days maybe. Deidara's bound to run out of questions sooner or later.

At Lunch Later that Day:
Deidara: Are you an uke?
Itachi: 0.0
Deidara: Itachi?
Itachi: ...Where's Sasori?
Deidara: Taking another shower, un!
Kisame walks into the lunchroom
Deidara: Are you an uke?
Kisame: Hell no.
Itachi: sends Kisame a LOOK over Deidara's shoulder
Deidara: What does an uke DO, then?
Kisame: Um...I think I forgot to turn off...something. hurries out of room
Itachi: stomps after him
A few minutes later, Kakuzu enters
Deidara: Hey, Kakuzu, un!!
Kakuzu: What?
Deidara: Are YOU an uke?
Kakuzu: Do the words "sexual harassment" make any impact on you, Deidara?
Deidara: Un?
Kakuzu: sigh I thought not...

Deidara: This book told me about it, but not much information holds up 'MaleXMale sex'
Kakuzu: ...--; sighs Okay, Deidara?
Deidara: Un?
Kakuzu: Do you know how normal sex works?
Deidara: Yeah, un.
Kakuzu: Then uke is the girl and seme is the boy, okay?
Deidara: So ... are you an uke?
Kakuzu: NO!
Deidara: Hmm ... ponders

In the halls:
Deidara: Hidan!
Hidan: Deidara? What's up?
Deidara: Are you an uke?
Hidan: Why, yes! And it's actually the better spot to be! You see, a guy's g-spot is located in the ass, so we get far more pleasure out of sex when we're in the uke position, you see? continues to babble on
Deidara: listens with fascination

Later:

Deidara: excited Kisame!!
Kisame: wary Yes?
Deidara: Guess what?! Hidan told me everything! I learned about the g-spot and what lube is really used for and how being the uke is better because you get more pleasure in sex and all the different positions and...
Kisame: backs away
Itachi: walks in, hears Deidara carrying on, and glares
Deidara: ITACHI! bounds up to him You ARE the uke aren't you? I don't know why you didn't admit it, since Hidan says its better and all!
Itachi: ... turns to Kisame with a murderous stare I'm going to kill Hidan for his big mouth.

Later:
Deidara: SASORI-DANNA!
Sasori: Close the door behind you when you come in, Deidara.
Deidara: Guess what Hidan told me!
Sasori:...What HIDAN told you?
Deidara: Yep! He says that being the uke is the most pleasurable position because then the g-spot gets hit, and Danna? Why's your face all red?
Sasori: getting up I got to go see Hidan.
leaves

In Kisame and Itachi's room:
Kisame: Leave Hidan alone, he was only being friendly.
Itachi: Sasori's going to skin him alive.
Kisame: Don't worry about that. comes up behind Itachi and nips the side of his neck I'm sure there are other things you can be thinking of right now.
Itachi: Don't try and distract me with sex right now. I know what you're doing...
Kisame: kneads Itachi's hip with one hand, other hand slip into Itachi's shirt from the bottom Still nuzzling Itachi's neck
Itachi: That's not going to work...lower...
Kisame: smirk
Deidara: KISAME!
Itachi: glares Does anyone in this organization knock?
Kisame: What is it, Deidara?
Deidara: I need to talk to you about something, un.
Kisame: Which is...?
Deidara: Un...Why is Sasori so uncomfortable talking to me about my books?
Kisame: Um... .

Hidan: humming to himself as he reads
Sasori: storms up to the blonde HIDAN!!
Hidan: jumps Why Sasori! glances at the other nin, noting his face is the colour of his hair Why's your face all red? You look like you've run around the cave ten times!
Sasori: You---why did you tell Deidara all that stuff?!
Hidan: Because he wanted to know, of course! And knowledge is important, as knowledge is power, and--
Sasori: SHUTUP!! Gods, now he's talking to me about-- gay sex!!
Hidan: But why are you so flustered, Sasori? Surely a grown man such as yourself can handle a little sex talk.
Sasori: very red now ... I'm leaving now.
Hidan: watches him go ... shrugs, goes back to his book

Ita and Kisa's room:
Itachi: ... ponders that
Kisame: Well ... hmm also ponders good question.
Deidara: pouts It's upsetting, un! I wanna talk about my books! It's really fascinating, this subject!
Kisame: Could it be ...? looks at his partner
Itachi: looks back It's possible.
Kisame: Deidara, I think Sasori's a virgin.
Deidara: A virgin? Un, as in, never had sex?
Itachi: nod
Kisame: Which could be why he's so embarrassed.
Deidara: But I don't want him to be, un!
Itachi and Kisame look at each other, then nod
Kisame: Well ... there's a way around that part too ...

In the Akatsuki Locker room:
Sasori: stomps into the room, heading first towards his locker, then stopping and redirecting himself toward another Puts ear to the new locker and fiddles with the combination dial with the other until the door unlocks
Zetsu: Sasori, what are you doing?
Sasori: turning around quickly Nothing. . I didn't know you were in here.
Zetsu: standing against green bathroom tiles Nobody does...
Sasori: I see. Well
Zetsu: You weren't breaking into Kisame's locker, were you?
Sasori:looks at open locker, then back at the green shinobi ...yes.
Zetsu: And you weren't doing so in hopes of finding a copy of Icha Icha Paradise, yoai addition, which Kisame only keeps in his bedroom, were you?
Sasori: How do you know he only keeps it in his bedroom?
Zetsu: serene stare
Sasori: ...I gave Deidara my library card.
Zetsu: You could go ask him to lend you his copy.
Sasori: I'm not going to ask him! He'd tell Deidara!
Zetsu: Oh. Is that bad?
Sasori: YES!
Zetsu: Why?

Elsewhere, in the Akatsuki Halls:
Deidara: Daaaaana! Daaaaanna! Daaaan Oh, hi, Kakuzu!
Kakuzu: grumbling as he comes out of his room Deidara, are you aware that it is almost most MIDNIGHT?
Deidara: I haven't been able to find danna all day, un!
Kakuzu: So you're yelling for him in the middle of the night?
Deidara: Sasori likes night time, un!
Kakuzu: -- Of course he does...
Hidan: from inside their room Kakuzu, I'm ready!
Kakuzu: 0.0...Gotta go. slams door
Deidara: Un?

Sasori: starts to blush, AGAIN Be...cause ... Deidara ...
Zetsu: ...Yes?
Sasori: ... slams locker door shut and storms out
Zetsu: watches him go ...
Tobi: walks in Zetsu-san, was that Sasori just now?
Zetsu: Yes, he seems to be fairly agitated.
Tobi: Hmmm ... It could be due to Deidara going around finding out everything he can about gay sex.
Zetsu: Makes me wonder why he would be so flustered on the subject.
Tobi: shrug

Elsewhere:
Deidara: looks at door for a moment, before shrugging and continuing to his room
Sasori: looks up with a grumpy expression, anger having drained his energy
Deidara: Danna! I've been looking all over for you, un!
Sasori: sigh Have you now?
Deidara: pouts Yes! I had to search everywhere! Even in the toilets!
Sasori: M-Moron! Why would I be there?!
Deidara: Because Danna hasn't wanted to be near me at all today pouts more
Sasori: Sighs again If you haven't noticed yet, I don't like talking to you about ... THAT ... kind of thing ...
Deidara: But why not!? I need to learn these kinds of things! Hidan says knowledge is power, after all.
Sasori: Just shut up! I don't want to talk about it! glares and turns away
Deidara: Hmm ... I guess Kisame and Itachi are right.
Sasori: ...About WHAT, exactly.
Deidara: You're a virgin!
Sasori: O.O!!!! turns RED ...turns around SLOWLY I'm. A. What?
Deidara: A virgin! That's why you're so embarrassed!
Sasori: in his head 'HOW THE HELL DID THEY FIND OUT?!'

Sasori: I am not. blushing
Deidara: reaches into his cloak and takes out a bright orange book, flips through the pages Un, what's the average length of a
Sasori: You're QUIZZING me?
Deidara: Yes, un. Now, what's the average length of a
Sasori: I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT!

Elsewhere, Once Again in the Akatsuki Halls:
Hidan: THERE! THERE! HARDER, KAKKY!
Kakuzu: How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?
Hidan: AHHHH!!!
Kisame: exiting the bathroom and staring sidelong at the bedroom door ...God, I didn't want that mental image. --
Itachi: from there own bedroom Did you say something?
Kisame: No. starts walking, stops ...Zetsu?
Zetsu: ...Yes?
Kisame: Are you standing outside Hidan and Kakuzu's door?
Zest: No.
Kisame: No?
Zetsu: I'm standing outside to Sasori and Deidara's door.
Kisame: Oh...why?
Sasori: inside the room I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT!
Itachi: annoyed Are you coming?
Kisame:...In a minute.

Deidara: But you've got to! Otherwise, you're a virgin!
Sasori: flushed ...Okay already...
Deidara: Un! goes back to book What's the average length of a penis?
Sasori: 13cm.
Deidara: You have high hopes, un.
Sasori: bows head I give up already.
Zetsu: phases though door So it's true.
Deidara: Zetsu! What are you doing here, un?
Zetsu: Confirming. phases out

In the halls:

Kisame: So?
Zetsu: It's true.
Kisame: Oh my god! Itachi! races into their room Sasori's a virgin!
Itachi: O.O But he's 45!
They look at each other
Both run to Sas and Dei's room

Hidan and Kaku's room:

Kakuzu: There's a lot of activity outside
Hidan: Nn ... looks up So what?
Kakuzu: Merely noted it, maybe we should see what's going on?
Hidan: Mmm, okay ... later .. falls asleep
Kakuzu: blinks, then slowly gets up to get dressed, leaving Hidan to sleep

Sas & Dei's room:

Sasori: ...
Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Kakuzu: stare
Sasori: Stop staring at me.
Kisame: I still can't believe it!
Itachi: pats shoulder I sympathize with you, Sasori.
Deidara: Poor Danna! No wonder he's so grumpy!
Sasori: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Deidara: There's no need to get mad, danna, un.
Sasori: What do you mean? Everyone we know is standing in our room gawking at me because my virginity has become public knowledge!
Zetsu: That's not true. Leader-sama isn't here.
Sasori: glare
Kisame: Look, if you're so uncomfortable able it, why don't you just change it?
Sasori: By doing what?
Everyone: pointed look toward Deidara
Deidara: clueless Un?
Sasori: O.O No. NonoNO! Just because everyone here is nailing their partner to the nearest wall doesn't mean
Zetsu: I don't have a partner.
Kakuzu: I am NOT
Hidan: heard through the wall Kakky? Where'd you go?
Everyone: ...
Kakuzu: leaving Oh, shut up. Distantly, after he's left the room Who many times have I told you not to call me Kakky?
Sasori: Why don't you ALL leave now?
Kisame: But we still haven't solved your
Sasori: GO!
Itachi and Kisame grudgingly leave
Door closes
Sasori: Finally...
Deidara: Danna?
Sasori: Yes?
TACKLE

Sasori: lands on the ground Aaah! Deidara, what----!
Zetsu: ….. phases though wall, not wanting to intrude

Deidara: leans up and nuzzles his ear Danna, can we ...?
Sasori: Nnn leans away I ...
Deidara: looks at him and strokes his hair C'mon, Sasori-danna, it'll be okay ...
Sasori: blushes I ... don't need reassurance, thanks!
Deidara: So can we? Pleeeeaaasee Danna?
Sasori: ... looks up at his partner ... looks to the side ...
Deidara: Sasori-danna?
Sasori: ... if you call me Sasori.
Deidara: big happy grin Okay, Sasori! kisses him
Sasori: wraps arms around Deidara's neck and pulls him down

Kisa & Ita's room:

Kisame: laying on bed, pulls Itachi closer What do you think?
Itachi: Mmm? sleepy, looks up about what?
Kisame: Do you think Deidara will, as Sasori put it, 'nail him to a wall'?
Itachi: Probably. Deidara is impulsive like that.
Kisame: We'll probably hear them soon then snickers
Itachi: glares I want to sleep.
Kisame: Oooh? holds Itachi tight Then you better stop squirming if you do.
Itachi: smirks, wiggles up and kisses him, breaking off a moment later In the morning. Curls up to sleep
Kisame: smirks himself, pets Itachi's hair a little before going to sleep

Kaku & Hidan's room:

Hidan: Aw, Kakky, you're always so mean!
Kakuzu: That's because you keep calling me absurd pet names.
Hidan: gives him the puppy eyes of doom Please, Kakuzu, sleep next to me tonight ...
Kakuzu: ... can't resist that look ... hops into bed with Hidan
Hidan: Yay! curls up in Kaku's arms and falls asleep
Kakuzu: Tch ... strokes the blonde's face (Thinking) 'As annoying as he is, he' has his good moments ...'

Zetsu's room:

Zetsu: sleeping
Tobi: watches ... walks over Zetsu-san?
Zetsu: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tobi: sits on the edge of his bed and watches all night

Later that Night:
Hidan: sleepily stumbles into the hall and walks around drunkenly for a minute Kakky...? I can't find the bathroom!
Kakuzu: still trying to sleep in their bedroom It's where it always is, Hidan.
Hidan: But I can't find it!
Sasori: Deidara...moan
Hidan: And there's people moaning out here!
Kakuzu: Fine! gets up and walks into the hallway Come on...
Deidara: Un...again, Sasori?
bump, bump, bump...
Hidan: Do you hear something?
Kakuzu: yawn Sasori and Deidara must still be up.
Bump, bump, bump, bump...
Hidan: Oh.
Bump, Bump, Bump, Bump...
Hidan: What do you think they're doing in there?
Sasori: Ahh, harder!
Kakuzu: looks at Hidan with sleep-deprived green eyes What are you, stupid?

Hidan: That's not nice! Finally finds the bathroom Thankyou, Kakuzu!
Kakuzu: grumbles You're a pain in the neck ...
Deidara: Nnn! Sasori!
Bump, bump, BUMP, BUMP!
Kakuzu: ...glares hurry up Hidan!
Hidan: Nn ... stumbles back out Let's go back to sleep, Kakky ...
Kakuzu: sigh Don't call me that. Grabs the blonde's arm and leads them back to their room

Sas & Dei's room:

Sasori: pant Deidara ...
Deidara: lying on top of him Mmm?
Sasori: You just nailed me to a wall ...
Deidara: smirks Seems to be a custom here, un.
Sasori: Heh ... is that the only reason ...?
Deidara: No! Not at all, un!
Sasori: Good ... otherwise I'd kill you right now.
Deidara: smiles But next time, you do me.
Sasori: But I thought Hidan said the bottom is the better spot? smirks
Deidara: chuckles that's why I want it, un!

Next morning; Akatsuki kitchen:

Itachi: sips coffee So?
Deidara: Biiiiiig grin Sasori is still sleeping!
Kisame: I take it from that grin you were on top?
Itachi: Gives him a LOOK
Deidara: Yup, un!
Kisame: Huh, that's something new.

Insert distant "Grrrrrr...!"
Deidara: What's that, un?
Itachi: Sasori.
Deidara: Un?
Kisame: sipping from Itachi's coffee cup That's normal.
Sasori: trugs into the kitchen, sleepy ...coffeee..rrr...
Deidara: Danna?
Kisame: That's normal.
Itachi: gives off another LOOK
Deidara: But Sasori doesn't have a stomach.
Sasori: walks out with his coffee
Deidara: Is he mad?
Kisame: No. Really, it's normal.
Itachi: Is that supposed to mean something?
Kisame: No! .
Hidan from in the hall: Why, good morning, Sasori! How are you oh, uh, you're not supposed to drink coffee like that Where are you going? Sasori? HEY! enters kitchen Deidara, are you aware Sasori's pouring coffee in his ear in the hallway?
Deidara: Un...
Kisame: Still not that bad.

In the Bathroom:
Zetsu: Sasori, are you alright?
Sasori: yawn Showerrr...
Tobi: to Zetsu I thought he'd be limping, or something.
Zetsu: Maybe he was on top.
Tobi: But I thought I heard
Sasori: inside the shower stall I can still hear you!
Tobi: Um...

In the Kitchen:

Itachi: subtly crushes Kisame's toe under the table
Kisame: Ow! cringes
Deidara: Are you alright, Kisame?
Kisame: It's nothing ... takes a bite of his breakfast
Itachi: Takes back his coffee cup with a glare at his partner
Deidara: Say ... when did you lose your virginity, Itachi?
Itachi: Spits coffee everywhere
Kisame: chokes
Hidan: Yes, I would like to know this myself!
Deidara: Lets start with you, Hidan!
Hidan: Me? if it was possible, he would be sparkling Oh, I lost mine to my best friend at my village. A kunotichi (cant spell XD) that was in the same year as me. Was quite glorious, but I like both sexes, so Kakuzu was my first male partner.
Deidara: Aww, that's cute!
Kisame: Despite himself What about you, Deidara?
Deidara: shrugs some random at my village, nothing special. Turned out she was a spy from another village, so I ended up killing her. It was just for experience, un. But I didn't know how guys did it so I never tried it until last night, un.
Hidan: And you, Kisame?

In the bathroom:
Sasori: Walks out of shower, refreshed Nnn ... stretches
Tobi: I think he was on the bottom ...?
Zetsu: Never mind. Let's go.
Tobi: Okay, Zetsu-san! follows his master
Sasori: Comes back into the kitchen What are you guys talking about?
Deidara: When everyone lost their virginity!
Sasori: Hmm evil grin, possibly the scariest we've ever seen I'd like to hear this, considering everyone knows AGAINST MY WILL how I lost mine.

SOME Time Later:

Kisame: ...and then after we were done, we decided that it would be better if we just all kept in touch as friends.
Deidara: O.O ALL of you?
Kisame: Yep.
Sasori: Kisame, how old were you?
Kisame: Huh...you know, I don't remember.
Itachi: growl Slut.
Kisame: What? How old were YOU when you started having sex? takes another bite of his breakfast
Itachi:...seventeen.
Kisame: chokes WHAT?!
Itachi:
Kisame: But you! And, you knew how to sputter gestures wildly with fingers to illustrate point
Itachi: stares at Kisame with his sharingan
Deidara: Un? to Sasori What's going on?
Sasori: Itachi was a virgin when he started sleeping with Kisame.
Zetsu: enters kitchen with Tobi Are we playing charades? (can't spell neither :P)
Deidara: Kisame's having a spazz, un!
Zetsu: Oh, I see.

Kisame: Is slightly purple in the cheeks D-damn! I had no idea!
Itachi: pink in the face Is it REALLY that big of a deal?
Kisame: To me it is! Holy gods... hides face in hands
Deidara: But that is so sweet! Itachi lost his virginity to his partner
Sasori:
Zetsu: It IS sweet, I think.
Tobi: inwardly blushing, since he's still a virgin himself ( --- CRACK RIGHT HERE!) But, didn't you have a crush on Kisame, Itachi?
Kisame: O.O!! What's that?!
Itachi: O.O Locks Tobi in the Mangekyou Sharingan
Tobi: on the floor .
Kisame: turns to his partner Is he telling the truth, Itachi?
Itachi: ... no comment. glares around the table
Hidan: That's so lovely! Why, I remember the night I first had sex with Kakuzu ...
Kakuzu: O.O!
Hidan: I must admit to starting it, since Kakuzu really has a lovely face under his mask--
Kakuzu: hand over Hidan's big mouth Shutup or I'll never have sex with you again.
Sasori: Why is it everyone here has either lost it to their partner or had sex with them at some point?
Kisame: recovered enough to talk Well you know what happens when you spend a long time alone with someone ... tension builds and hormones go insane on ya.
Itachi: turns pink again, but stays silent

Elsewhere:

Leader-sama: watches from his Video Camera no jutsu (the one I made up in my comic) I wonder what they're all talking about ...

Inside the Mangekyou:
Itachi: beating Tobi with a copy of Icha Icha Paradise DON'TTELL! DON'TTELL! DON'T TELL, YOU OVER GROWN MASKED BOY SCOUT!
Tobi: O...k...

Outside the Mangekyou:
Tobi: twitch
Zetsu: Is he going to be alright?
Itachi: sipping coffee He'll be fine.
Deidara: So Zetsu, how about you, un?
Zetsu: What about me?
Deidara: When did you start having sex?
Zetsu: I'm asexual.
Deidara: Un?
Sasori: It means someone who can reproduce without sexual contact. Plants are considered asexual.
Tobi: is unconscious
Kisame: So you haven't
Zetsu: Don't need to.
Kisame: But if you wanted to
Zetsu: I suppose.
Sasori: inwardly "HA! I'm not the last virgin in the organization!"
Tobi: twitches
Kisame: Itachi, do you think you should...let him go now?
Itachi: Hm.

Kisame: Come on, I want to know about him too.
Itachi: Inward sigh fine. Releases Tobi
Tobi: AAAAHHHH!! OKAY ITACHI!!! I WON'T!!!!
Everyone except Itachi: O.O!!
Kisame: ... turns to his partner ...What did you do to him?
Itachi: glares Punished him.
Kisame: Anyway, goes back to Zetsu you can't tell me you've never wanted to do it with another ... well, human.
Zetsu: I've never really thought about it.
Hidan: That's ... really interesting, you know? Oh Zetsu, you MUST tell me more about yourself sometime!
Zetsu: blinks ...Okay.
Kakuzu: annoyed Hidan, we have missions to do.
Hidan: Grins Oh, I shouldn't be long!
(Him and Zetsu leave to talk)
Kakuzu: grumbles about irresponsible partners under his breath
Sasori: So, what about you, Kakuzu?
Kakuzu: ...What?
Deidara: When did you lose it?
Kakuzu: O.O ... um ...

Hidan: calling from the other room He lost it to an older woman in his village when he was a chuunin!cheerfully helpful
Kakuzu: Hidan!
Kisame: How much older?
Kakuzu: ...
Hidan: again from the other room Five years!
Kakuzu: HIDAN!
Deidara: How does he know that, un?
Hidan: finally walks back into the room Well, it was early in our partnership, right after Kakuzu lost his bingo book Not really, of course, I threw it away when he wasn't looking...
Kakuzu: grumbles because shouting apparently does not work to put Hidan off
Deidara: Who was your first man, un?
Hidan: Well you see, after I took the book away, we went out to drink and Kakuzu took off his mask, and then I
Kakuzu: I don't think anyone wants to hear this.
Kisame: I do.
Deidara: Me too, un!
Tobi: ...Where's Zetsu?

Itachi: to Tobi He's gone somewhere.
Hidan: He went to sun himself outside!
Tobi: Oh ... Ow. rubs head
Kisame: So anyway, Hidan?
Hidan: Yes! It was then that I just wanted to grab him and kiss him till his lips bruised! And then-
Kakuzu: Hidan!!
Hidan: covers his mouth -we were both running up to our room in this hotel, and the next thing I know, I'm on my back and we're making out
Kakuzu: what can see of his face is bright red MMPH!!
Itachi: (thinking) Why does that remind me of Kisame and myself?
Kisame: Huh, that's cute. I don't know why you're so embarrassed about that, Kakuzu.
Kakuzu: breaks free of Hidan's hold BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW!!
Deidara: But isn't it good that we're being so open?
Kakuzu: palms face Just. Shut. Up.
Hidan: So Kisame, what about you and Itachi?
Kisame: Well ... looks at Itachi
Itachi: ...glares

Kisame: cough Well, you see, it started a few months ago when one of my off duty friends
Itachi: snorts at the word "friends"
Kisame: seemed to have been brutally slaughtered in the back room of this bar he worked at. And then a few weeks later, another one was found twitching and screaming in a dumpster outside their apartment. And then after THAT, one set themselves on fire
Itachi: looks at the far wall silently
Deidara: Your friends are clumsy, un.
Sasori: gives Deidara an "Are you stupid?" look
Kisame: Uh...yeah. So anyway, I was talking to Leader-sama one day, and out of nowhere Itachi grabbed me and started dragging me to our room! Then the second he closed the door, he just tackled me head-on. I thought he was going to kill me until I realized that if he was planning on overpowering me, he really didn't need to be rubbing against me like that.
Itachi: ...
Sasori: So, who's left?
Deidara: Tobi.
Everyone: expectant stare
Tobi: Hehehehe, um...

Elsewhere:
Leader-sama: ...really need to install sound on this thing. --

Kisame: Well, spill it, Tobi!
Itachi: watches
Hidan: Yeah, I wanna know!
Kakuzu: Hmm ...
Tobi: Well ... I ... mumbles I'm still a virgin.
Sasori: (thinking) YES! I'm still not the last one!
Itachi: Really?
Kisame: Wow, the last one huh?
Hidan: Aww! Now you and Zetsu can lose it together!
Everyone: stares at Hidan
Hidan: Well ... just an idea!
Deidara: I agree! Lets set them up, un!
Sasori: Oh god no ...
Tobi: W-Well red in the face I don't know if Zetsu-san would approve of that-
Hidan & Deidara: Who cares! The both grab Tobi
Tobi: W-wait!! Aaah! Please-! They drag him out
Remaining watch him go
Kisame: Well ... this is going to be interesting ...
Itachi: shakes head

Elsewhere:
Leader-sama: watches with amusement Oh lord, what are they doing to Tobi now? sighs and stands I better go and see what they're all up to ... walks off

Outside:
Deidara: Now where is he, un?
Hidan: I left him right around here...Oh, there he is!
Tobi: embarrassed groan
Deidara: Zetsu! Over here! Heywhat happened to you, un?
Zetsu: messed up hair and clothing, white side of his face slightly flushed I'm fine.
Hidan: Right...
Tobi: tries to jerk away
Hidan: tightens his hold Anyway, what do you think of Tobi?
Zetsu: I like Tobi.
Deidara: How would you like to nail him to the wall, un?
Tobi: GROAN
Zetsu: Can't.
Deidara: Why not?
Zetsu: I did it.
Deidara: Did what?
Zetsu: ...
Hidan: You DID it?
Zetsu: Yes.
Hidan: O.O
Deidara: Un?
Leader-sama: walks outside Alright, what are you doing to Tobi?
Hidan: ZETSU'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY!
Tobi: OO...
Deidara: OO...Just what were you talking to him about earlier, un?

Hidan: I asked Zetsu if it was possible to impregnate himself at any time, and he said yes, so I asked him if he would do it, and he said "...why not?" and now he has!
Deidara: O.O ... woah, dude, how does that WORK?!
Leader-sama: Zetsu ... is that true?
Zetsu: Yes.
Leader: ...scary stuff.
Tobi: Oh god ...
Leader: sighs I guess I better place an order ... walks back inside with the others following
Hidan: Order for what?
Leader: Baby stuff.
Zetsu: ...

Back to Kitchen:

Kakuzu: I hope my idiot of a partner is not doing anything stupid.
Kisame: Probably so.
Kakuzu: groan I hate Hidan ...
Sasori: What is it about us, having idiots as partners?
Kakuzu: I guess we were lucky glares at Kisame in jealousy
Kisame: smirks Yep, I guess you were glances at his partner and smirks more
Itachi: What? glare
Kisame: Aaanyway, I think it's time Itachi and I take our leave.
Sasori: Where are you going?
Kisame: Heh, it's our day off, and I plan on making it worthwhile. stands
Itachi: stands also hn. Follows his partner
Sasori: Damn though, Kisame really is a lucky bastard.
Kakuzu: You're telling me. Hidan's pretty and everything, but he's damn annoying sometimes.
Sasori: Ditto to Deidara.

A Few Minutes Later:
Kakuzu: You're pregnant.
Zetsu: Yes.
Kakuzu: And you're male.
Zetsu: Yes.
Kakuzu: ...HOW?
Zetsu: I'm asexual.
Kakuzu: No, HOW? How did you...get point A to point B?
Hidan: Stop pestering him, Kakky!
Deidara: side whisper to Zetsu Seriously, though, un, is everything...normal, un?
Zetsu:...
Tobi: Don't ask Zetsu questions like that! I'm sure that everything about Zetsu-san is perfectly! stops when he catches Zetsu's eye
Deidara: insert knowing "Uuuun"

In Kisa and Ita's Room:
Kisame: So leading Itachi to bed what was Tobi trying to say earlier?
Itachi: Nothing. .
Kisame: nibbles Itachi's earlobe You send someone into the Mangekyou for "nothing"?
Itachi: Mm-hm Pulls away from shark nin and kisses him to stop the questions
Kisame: breaks away I'm asking again later, you know.
Itachi: straddles Of course you are.

Zetsu: ...It's complicated.
Deidara: I'm sure it would be, un.
Kakuzu: Okay, we have an art freak, a puppet, a religious nut, a psychotic nut, a shark, an overgrown boy scout, a shadow king and NOW a pregnant asexual plant?! Could this organisation get any stranger?!
Deidara: We had a snake, too! Un
Hidan: I'm not a nut ...TT
Kakuzu: That's not the point ...
Zetsu: Children from my bloodline grow fast, so you know.
Sasori: Oh lord ...
Hidan: Well, this will be an interesting 9 months!

Kisa and Ita's room:

Kisame: Hmmm? looks up at his partner Want to go out later?
Itachi: So I can watch you get drunk?
Kisame: pulls Itachi down and sucks on his ear So we can BOTH get drunk ...
Itachi: squirms a little Hn, we'll see about me getting drunk ... but alright, later. Shoves Kisame's shoulders and kisses him
Kisame: Breaks away after a bit, hands happily groping Itachi's ass I still can't believe you were a virgin before this happened ...
Itachi: Nnn ... bites Kisame's ear So what if I was?
Kisame: smirks Now I feel privileged.
Itachi: Good. tugs at his shirt and tosses it on the floor, doing the same with Kisame's
Kisame: smirks Keep that up and I'll just rip your pants off ...
Itachi: grinds hips Go ahead ...