My palms sweat as I reach inside the brown paper bag that I set on top of the counter. I told Tobias that I needed to run to the grocery store for dinner and I tried to convince myself of that motive too, but somewhere deep inside I knew I couldn't lie to myself. I push past the head of lettuce, frozen chicken breasts, and carton of eggs until my fingers slip around the cardboard box hidden at the bottom. I quickly lift it out and slip it under my coat as I run to the bathroom.
Tobias isn't home yet, but I'm not taking any chances. I lock the door behind me and sit on the edge of the tub. I stare at the box, realizing that no matter how light it feels in my hand, the results can weight me down forever. I pick at the cardboard lip on the top and peel it open, revealing what seems like a novel full of instructions and the pregnancy test wand. I toss the container to the floor as I skim over the booklet. Most of it seems like common sense, but shouldn't using proper protection also be common sense?
I tighten my fists and my cheeks get hot. How could I be so careless? How could WE be so careless? It was one night. We were both so excited after returning home from Christina's Christmas party. It was all so new to us, The Holidays. We had never experienced anything like that in Chicago, the sense of love and warmth and feelings of belonging. It just felt right.
But how could something that felt so right then, now feel so wrong? I tear off the protective cap of the wand and squat over the toilet bowl. I'm embarrassed that I even have to do this. I hold my position for a long time, but nothing comes out. I know I have to pee, I can feel it, but my bladder is being shy. I lean over and turn on the faucet in the sink. Maybe the sounds of running water will help. The white noise is deafening.
After another 30-seconds of waiting, my bladder finally gives in. I place the absorbency tip in the stream and count to five, just like the instructions said. One, two, three, four, five. I set the wand on the edge of the sink and finish peeing before I wipe and pull my pants up.
I wash my hands, trying to avoid looking at the wand. I'm no longer sure that I want to know the results, but it's too late now. I only have three more minutes to enjoy the unknown. I pass the time by sitting on the edge of the tub and holding my head in my hands. I want my mind to take me somewhere else, but all I can think about is seeing one line or two. My knee bounces up and down.
"Tris? I'm home," I hear Tobias call from inside the apartment. I look at the time on the screen of my cell phone. He's home early. He wasn't supposed to be here for another hour. I needed that time to discard the evidence, and depending on the results, think of how to tell him. "Tris? Are you here?" he calls again.
"In the bathroom. Be out in a minute," I respond, my voice timid and cracking. I look at the time again. My three minutes are up. I stand and walk to the sink. My hands shake as I bring the wand closer to my face. My eyes fight to look away, but I force myself. Two lines.
What does that mean again? My mind is blank. Black fills the void of where my mental processes once belonged. I dive to the floor where the booklet lays and I shift through the pages until I reach the results. My stomach sinks. "PREGNANT- TWO PINK LINES One line may be lighter than the other." I feel nauseous. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks, which are now rosy and pink.
Knuckles rap on the door. "Are you okay in there?" Tobias says with a laugh.
I quickly wipe away the tears. Like he could see them anyway. . . "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little nauseous," I say. I can't lie to him for the second time today. I lift myself off of the floor and stuff the wand and booklet back into the box. I stand for a second, unsure of what to do with them, before I open the cabinet below the sink counter. I place them inside, underneath a pile of old cleaning rag. I can come back later and place them in the trash bin outside when Tobias is asleep.
I smooth down my hair and clothes and wipe away the smudged makeup from underneath my eyes, although he might not be suspicious if he thinks I'm in here throwing up. I flush the toilet and turn on the sink to pretend like I'm washing my hands. I watch the water swirl in the basin, taking me away from this moment in time for just a brief second.
I hear another knock on the door. I open it to find Tobias outside, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Are you okay?" he asks, "Seriously, you don't look so good."
"I'm fine," I smile, and extend my hand out to take the budding roses. He places his arm around my shoulder and walks me into the kitchen.
"Sit down," he gestures to the stool that sits behind our main counter. "Let me put these in a vase for you," he says as he grabs the flowers from my hands and brings them over to the sink.
"Why are you home so early?" I ask. I can feel my skin becoming increasingly pale and clammy. How am I going to tell him? I wipe my palms on the thighs of my pants.
"Took off early. Work was slow," he gleams. "Nice surprise, huh?"
I give him a weak smile. "Thanks. . . for the flowers," I say.
"That's not all I got you," he winks, walking back over to the counter and setting the vase in front of me. I watch him with curious eyes as he bends over. I hear a rustling from a paper bag. He stands and places a bottle of red wine and a DVD case in between us. I frown, disappointment seeping into me as I realize that I cannot drink that with him.
"What's wrong? Don't you like Titanic? It's old, but my coworker assured me that it's a classic," he says.
"No!" I recover, "I'd love to watch it with you."
"Is it the wine, then? Or were you expecting me to pull out something else? I can get it for you. The market is just down the road-"
"Four, I- Tobias," I stammer, "we need to talk," I finish, trying to fight back the tears.
His face becomes serious. I hate it when he looks like that. His features are so angular and strong that it makes him looks upset, angry even. I shift in my seat, avoiding his eye contact, but I can feel them staring at me. Waiting.
"I. . . I'm pregnant." I say it so softly that it sounds like a whisper.
It's quiet for a long time. I can't look at him. I don't want to see his face. I don't want to see the disappointment in his eyes. He walks around the counter and stands next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. "We're having a baby?" he asks, his voice soft and comforting.
I nod my head. I can't speak. My throat won't close and it refuses to swallow. He places his hand over my belly.
"I guess I'll have to drink the wine by myself, then!" he laughs.
"You're not mad?" I ask, shifting my eyes up to meet his.
"Mad? Why would I be mad? This is not unwelcomed news," he says, bringing me into his arms. "I love you." He presses his lips onto my forehead and I nuzzle my face farther into his shoulder, my tears staining into his shirt.