Darth Maul and the 3 Fluffy Kittens
Rating: PG
Category: movies Star Wars humor
Summary: Ever wonder why our favorite horned Sith Lord is so grumpy in The
Phantom Menace? Read this and find out! Collaboration with 'Reluctant
Dragon', a previously unpublished fanfic author.
I'd had a long, horrible day. My master was riding my ass- no, not
literally, though the slashfics would say otherwise- and I was ready to kill
him (yes, literally.) But I knew that battling the guy would only end in my
own personal humiliation. Besides, he had people skills I knew I'd never
have, so it was a good idea to keep him around.
My people skills consist of growling and staring. They get me only so
far, and then I'm in way over my horns.
Unfastening the outer layer of my cloak, which took several minutes to
complete, I sighed. Yes, it had been a long hard day, but luckily I had my
three beautiful kittens to cheer me up. My Kittens were the only escape I
had. There names were Rex, Snarl, and Fluffernutter. That's what their names
WERE; until that one day.
I sat on the couch and turned the holoprojector on to watch some
cartoons. My kittens crowded around me, purring with delight as I stroked
their lovely fur, and began to relax. After some time I drifted off to sleep,
dreaming of a day when I could sit by a pool and sip alcoholic beverages with
little umbrellas in them while working on my tan.
I awoke to the sensation of paws kneading my stomach and put my hand
down in something sticky. I was startled to find a pool of blood around me,
and fearing an intruder, I stood up and followed the trail. The blood was
accompanied by a sweet stench that penetrated my nose, and with every sniff I
became more and more nervous. Then, I saw it. As I turned the corner I saw my
three precious kittens gnawing on the carcass of an unlucky servant.
"Dammit," I growled. One bad thing about being a pet owner was that the
little vermin were always making messes and ruining your stuff.
Then I saw that they had sat down and begun to watch me with bright,
inquisitive eyes, and realized they had brought the servant around as a gift
to me. My heart melted.
"Aaawwww... I can't stay mad at the three of you," I cooed, scooping
them up.
Snarl, the youngest but the strongest, licked my nose. I smiled; his
breath smelled like intestinal juices. How cute! He began to lick the thick
body fluids off of his auburn coat, purring so loudly it echoed throughout
the room. The other two kittens rubbed their sides into my legs, wanting
attention and wanting it bad. I pulled the kitten treats off of the top shelf
of the bookcase, and opened the sticky lid. The kittens jumped up onto their
hind paws and put their front paws forward, slightly waving them. The kittens
each dropped onto all fours as their designated treats fell to the floor with
a thud. They began to gnaw on the treats. I hoped it would keep them busy
while I tidied the house a little bit. They were, after all, Super Jumbo Mega
Size Kitty Treats- guaranteed to last one week. With my kitties, I knew that
they would last about 2 hours. I sighed as I grabbed the apron and the mop
out of the closet. It was time to clean up.
When I was finished cleaning my pad, I retired to the bar down in Sector
5. It was my favorite place to go when I was feeling upset. Also, I really
liked the naked dancers. Today, though, I didn't really seem to care. I
stared blankly at the bottle of Sullustian Hot Ale, wondering where my life
had gone.
Antisocial as I might seem now, I used to be a man about town. Believe
it or not, I used to get enough action for three men- sometimes all at once!
But since I became a Sith I'm no longer allowed to have any "sexual
encounters" because they "cloud the mind."
It's a big pain, because I mean, how else am I supposed to relieve all
that tension? At first I mainly killed people but after a while it was too
much work to get rid of all those bodies. It just wasn't fair! I guess I got
the kittens for that reason, to keep my personal stress level down.
After drinking my pain away, I stumbled back to my apartment building.
Three police cars were parked in front of the building, sirens blaring away.
I cautiously made my way to the turbolift on my way to my apartment. Then,
the crackling of blaster fire broke the silence. I exited the turbolift and
bolted to my door to find a horrific sight. On the ground lay the corpses of
three police officers, which didn't bother me other than to make me wonder
who'd been invading my turf. The horrible thing was that two of my precious
babies lay dead next to them! The three remaining officers were firing wildly
at something moving in a shadowy corner. Then, out of the corner, hissing and
snarling and dripping with gore, came Fluffernutter. He sprinted at the
remaining officers, and slit one's throat before taking a hit on the side. He
fell to the floor, and the two officers shot him a few more times and
cheered. Gripped with rage, I withdrew and ignited my light saber and killed
the senior officer by slicing him in 4 pieces. The junior officer rushed to
the other side of the room as I killed 4 or 5 other cops.
"Who sent you!!??", I screamed.
"W..ww..we nn...needed to f..f.find a missing p..person.." the little
bastard stammered, "A s-s-servant of yours..." he gulped. The evil in his
eyes was strong. What kind of creature would do that to an innocent bunch of
helpless little animals? It made me sick.
"Where is your commander?" I shouted. "At the station.", he replied. I
killed him and left. My precious kitties would not go unavenged.
I barged into the station and started to kill all the officers who got
in my way. I headed towards the commander's office, only to find that he was
away on vacation. I was so furious, I could've killed everyone again; but for
now my vengeance must wait. I've been ordered to go to this stupid farmer
world to find some juvenille brat of a queen, and I can't even kill her.
I hate my life.
Rating: PG
Category: movies Star Wars humor
Summary: Ever wonder why our favorite horned Sith Lord is so grumpy in The
Phantom Menace? Read this and find out! Collaboration with 'Reluctant
Dragon', a previously unpublished fanfic author.
I'd had a long, horrible day. My master was riding my ass- no, not
literally, though the slashfics would say otherwise- and I was ready to kill
him (yes, literally.) But I knew that battling the guy would only end in my
own personal humiliation. Besides, he had people skills I knew I'd never
have, so it was a good idea to keep him around.
My people skills consist of growling and staring. They get me only so
far, and then I'm in way over my horns.
Unfastening the outer layer of my cloak, which took several minutes to
complete, I sighed. Yes, it had been a long hard day, but luckily I had my
three beautiful kittens to cheer me up. My Kittens were the only escape I
had. There names were Rex, Snarl, and Fluffernutter. That's what their names
WERE; until that one day.
I sat on the couch and turned the holoprojector on to watch some
cartoons. My kittens crowded around me, purring with delight as I stroked
their lovely fur, and began to relax. After some time I drifted off to sleep,
dreaming of a day when I could sit by a pool and sip alcoholic beverages with
little umbrellas in them while working on my tan.
I awoke to the sensation of paws kneading my stomach and put my hand
down in something sticky. I was startled to find a pool of blood around me,
and fearing an intruder, I stood up and followed the trail. The blood was
accompanied by a sweet stench that penetrated my nose, and with every sniff I
became more and more nervous. Then, I saw it. As I turned the corner I saw my
three precious kittens gnawing on the carcass of an unlucky servant.
"Dammit," I growled. One bad thing about being a pet owner was that the
little vermin were always making messes and ruining your stuff.
Then I saw that they had sat down and begun to watch me with bright,
inquisitive eyes, and realized they had brought the servant around as a gift
to me. My heart melted.
"Aaawwww... I can't stay mad at the three of you," I cooed, scooping
them up.
Snarl, the youngest but the strongest, licked my nose. I smiled; his
breath smelled like intestinal juices. How cute! He began to lick the thick
body fluids off of his auburn coat, purring so loudly it echoed throughout
the room. The other two kittens rubbed their sides into my legs, wanting
attention and wanting it bad. I pulled the kitten treats off of the top shelf
of the bookcase, and opened the sticky lid. The kittens jumped up onto their
hind paws and put their front paws forward, slightly waving them. The kittens
each dropped onto all fours as their designated treats fell to the floor with
a thud. They began to gnaw on the treats. I hoped it would keep them busy
while I tidied the house a little bit. They were, after all, Super Jumbo Mega
Size Kitty Treats- guaranteed to last one week. With my kitties, I knew that
they would last about 2 hours. I sighed as I grabbed the apron and the mop
out of the closet. It was time to clean up.
When I was finished cleaning my pad, I retired to the bar down in Sector
5. It was my favorite place to go when I was feeling upset. Also, I really
liked the naked dancers. Today, though, I didn't really seem to care. I
stared blankly at the bottle of Sullustian Hot Ale, wondering where my life
had gone.
Antisocial as I might seem now, I used to be a man about town. Believe
it or not, I used to get enough action for three men- sometimes all at once!
But since I became a Sith I'm no longer allowed to have any "sexual
encounters" because they "cloud the mind."
It's a big pain, because I mean, how else am I supposed to relieve all
that tension? At first I mainly killed people but after a while it was too
much work to get rid of all those bodies. It just wasn't fair! I guess I got
the kittens for that reason, to keep my personal stress level down.
After drinking my pain away, I stumbled back to my apartment building.
Three police cars were parked in front of the building, sirens blaring away.
I cautiously made my way to the turbolift on my way to my apartment. Then,
the crackling of blaster fire broke the silence. I exited the turbolift and
bolted to my door to find a horrific sight. On the ground lay the corpses of
three police officers, which didn't bother me other than to make me wonder
who'd been invading my turf. The horrible thing was that two of my precious
babies lay dead next to them! The three remaining officers were firing wildly
at something moving in a shadowy corner. Then, out of the corner, hissing and
snarling and dripping with gore, came Fluffernutter. He sprinted at the
remaining officers, and slit one's throat before taking a hit on the side. He
fell to the floor, and the two officers shot him a few more times and
cheered. Gripped with rage, I withdrew and ignited my light saber and killed
the senior officer by slicing him in 4 pieces. The junior officer rushed to
the other side of the room as I killed 4 or 5 other cops.
"Who sent you!!??", I screamed.
"W..ww..we nn...needed to f..f.find a missing p..person.." the little
bastard stammered, "A s-s-servant of yours..." he gulped. The evil in his
eyes was strong. What kind of creature would do that to an innocent bunch of
helpless little animals? It made me sick.
"Where is your commander?" I shouted. "At the station.", he replied. I
killed him and left. My precious kitties would not go unavenged.
I barged into the station and started to kill all the officers who got
in my way. I headed towards the commander's office, only to find that he was
away on vacation. I was so furious, I could've killed everyone again; but for
now my vengeance must wait. I've been ordered to go to this stupid farmer
world to find some juvenille brat of a queen, and I can't even kill her.
I hate my life.