Santana had no idea how she ended up outside Brittany's apartment.
Well, that wasn't true. She knew exactly how she got there and why. It's just that she couldn't completely wrap her mind around it.
This was all Rachel Berry's fault. She was the one who insisted on sending out email newsletters quarterly, reporting on the accomplishments and successes of all the New Directions members from back in the day. Deep down, everyone knew that she only started it so she could tell everyone all the great things she was doing with her life, but at the same time it was a good way to keep up with everyone so no one brought up that part.
It had all started when the graduated. Rachel demanded all their email addresses and then every few months she would harass them to find out if anything substantial had happened in their lives. It was because of this that Santana knew anything about her friends from high school at all. She wasn't exactly the best when it came to communication, and she wasn't one for small talk, so at some point she realized that the newsletter, while annoying at times, was one of her only remaining links to them.
Without that newsletter, she never would have known that Finn ended up being the starting quarterback his sophomore year of college. Or that Kurt and Blaine moved in together and were living happily in New York City. That Mike started a badass dance crew and they were going to be on what seemed like the hundredth season of America's Best Dance Crew. Tina was going for her masters, though for the life of her Santana couldn't remember in what. Santana rarely had anything to say, except how she did great at school, joined a sorority, was in general an amazing person, all that.
She had all but stopped reading the newsletters for a while. They would appear in her inbox, she would delete them, and that would be all. Even Rachel's badgering couldn't get her to bother making up something for her stupid ~high school milestones~ newsletter. It was all because of Brittany.
Everything had been so perfect when the graduated. She finally got to be with her amazing girlfriend and not have to hide from anyone and kissing her out in the open without caring if anyone saw felt better than she could have ever imagined. Not everyone understood or supported them, but she didn't care. What mattered was that there were people that did and besides, they had each other. Except when they went to college, that's when a lot of things changed.
Through all the years they had been friends, or more than friends, they had always been together. They had been best friends since preschool. They only lived a few streets over from each other. They had been in dance classes, gymnastics, cheerleading, glee club, everything together. She had never gone more than two days without seeing Brittany, except for the occasional family vacation, but even then they were texting the whole time.
Except they hadn't gone to the same college. Being hours away from each other had been torture. Even with texting, and calling, and skype, it hadn't been enough. There was just the constant not knowing what was going on in the other girl's life, and if Santana Lopez was anything she was jealous. Hearing from Brittany about the friends she was making, how close she was with her roommate, she'd filled in blanks in her head. Of course looking back she knew she had been irrational, but at the time she had been so sure. It was just that every time she talked to Brittany it had been my roommate and I this and my roommate and I that and after so much Santana had just snapped.
She could still hear Brittany's tearful voice on the other end of the phone when she called her and told her they were done. There had been such hurt, such sadness, but Santana couldn't take it back. In her head, there had been something going on and since she wasn't able to actually be around her girlfriend she just couldn't do it anymore.
After that, she couldn't read the newsletters. She couldn't stand to read all the trivial stuff going on in people's lives that they thought was so important. She couldn't chance reading about how Brittany had moved on and was happy without her. By the time she let herself start reading the newsletters again, Santana had moved on. Well, she had convinced herself that she had - the same way she had convinced herself that she was okay, was happy, without Brittany.
There was always that thought in the back of her mind, that pang that hurt in her chest, every time she clicked to open one of those stupid newsletters. The fact that every time she saw Brittany's name in one of them she felt her stomach twist into knots, she should have just acknowledged what that meant. But she couldn't. Not after what she'd done, how she acted.
It had been one of those emails from Rachel Berry, of all people, that had gotten her on a plane to New York. Well, partially. Brittany had said in the previous newsletter that she was moving in with her boyfriend, which had been a particularly low blow to Santana, and this one had finally listed their address in case anyone wanted it. It was a combination of that and the fact that she followed Brittany's twitter. In amongst the random tweets and the times that Brittany sent texts as tweets accidentally, there were the occasional ones that stuck out to Santana more than anything. Not everything was well and good in Brittany's life with her boyfriend.
At times, Santana felt like she was reading into things too much again. One hundred and forty characters or less at a time, she was getting clues from Brittany that she wasn't happy. Anyone else would have called her crazy, but they didn't know Brittany like she did. She knew her well enough to hear the tone of her words when they were just text. She could see past the words on the screen and what they really meant.
What they meant was Brittany wasn't happy.
As ridiculous as it seemed and as absurd as she felt, Santana had to go and see her. She thought about calling, but that seemed riskier than just surprising her. The flight, the taxi ride, they had practically been unbearable. Her head was swimming with thoughts and regrets and above all fear that she was about to ruin something. Then again, what was there left to ruin?
It had been a little too easy to get into Brittany's apartment building. She'd checked and yes, Brittany's name was on one of the buzzers, but she didn't want to take the chance of not getting buzzed in. After lingering around outside, she had been able to convince one of the tenants entering the building that she had just moved in and locked herself out. She climbed the stairs to the third floor and stood there outside the door, checking the apartment number at least four times on her phone before convincing herself that she was actually at the right place.
Santana Lopez was by no means a wimp. Anyone who would dare to say that had clearly never met her. Standing there in front of that door, trying to work up the gumption to knock, she felt like the wimpiest person in the world. She heard a door open down the hall and, not wanting the person walking out into the hall thinking that she was just some weirdo standing outside doors and listening to people, she quickly brought her hand up and knocked.
It wasn't until she had actually knocked that she realized there was the potential for Brittany's boyfriend to answer the door. Oh God, out of all the horrible scenarios she had gone through in her head, that had never been one of them. Now that she could hear someone moving inside the apartment, it was all she was thinking about. Of course she could always lie and say that she got the wrong door or something like that, but what if he knew who she was? Not that she expected Brittany to talk about her but they had been best friends for most of their lives so there was the possibility that he had seen pictures. Please don't be him, please don't be him...
The door was pulled open as far as the chain hooked on the inside would let it. That pair of irresistible blue eyes was looking at her, and they widened with recognition a split second before the door closed. Santana's heart sunk, but then the door was open again and this time all the way. Standing there in front of her was Brittany, just... Brittany. She looked just like she always had, all blonde, beautiful, long legs and lean muscles. Her face was showing signs that she was tired, but other than that she looked as perfect as Santana could remember.
"Hi Brit," Santana said finally, breaking the silence between them. There was only so much staring at each other she could take before she had to say something and she just wished her voice didn't sound so unsure. It was enough to make her want to cringe, but she didn't.
"Santana..." Brittany brow furrowed a little as she leaned in the doorframe. "What are you doing here?" Santana's nerves started to kick in, and she hoped that Brittany wasn't just going to kick her out of the building. They had never reconciled after they broke up. They'd never really spoken after they broke up, actually. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.
"I wanted to see you." It was the truth, at least. She couldn't very well lead in with 'hey, Brit, I stalk your twittter and I started assuming things again so... trouble in paradise?' Biting her lip, she slid her hands into her pockets, shifting her weight to the side. She wasn't sure how she had expected this to go, but she didn't think it was going right so far. "Can I come in?"
After glancing back behind her, as if checking for something, Brittany nodded at her ex-girlfriend. She stepped out of the doorway and let her in, shutting and locking the door behind them. "I didn't know you were going to be here." She meant in the city, Santana knew, not just there at her apartment. No one knew about her trip but her, and now Brittany.
"This is a nice apartment." Santana didn't want to bog herself down with small talk and pleasantries but she was having a hard time finding the words she actually wanted to say. Brittany just shrugged in response. This was something Santana was familiar with. When Brittany was upset or mad or hurt, she went quiet. That's why she tried to get to the point faster, blurting out, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything."
The way Brittany was just standing there with her arms crossed, her eyes not meeting Santana's, it was unnerving. Santana watched her carefully, just waiting and hoping for a response. A positive response would be good, but the longer the wait was before Brittany's words, she was growing more sure that it was going to be negative. What had she been thinking, getting on a plane and showing up out of the blue? It had been such a stupid spur of the moment impulse, and she felt like it had been the wrong one.
"For what?" Brittany spoke quietly, and her gaze flickered up to meet Santana's. Those eyes, that look she was giving her, Santana just wanted to reach over and touch her. "There's a lot of stuff that's happened. I just want to know what you're sorry for."
"Everything," Santana repeated, but the frown that tugged at the corners of Brittany's mouth told her that wasn't good enough. "Just... everything. For not trusting you. Thinking you were cheating on me. Not listening. Saying all those awful things and breaking up with you. Never returning any of your texts or calls." How long was her list going to be? Actually saying all of it out loud made her even angrier at herself for everything she'd done. This was her best friend, or at least she had been. Brittany was the one person who had always been there for her, who had always accepted her for everything she was even when Santana couldn't do that herself.
"I never did any of that stuff you said." Brittany's voice was practically a whisper, and Santana could see her fingers digging into her arms.
"Brittany..."
"I didn't. None of it," Brittany interrupted, shaking her head and then looking over at her. "I know you think I did but I didn't. I never would have done that, Santana. Never."
"I know, Brit," Santana said, taking a step forward and hesitantly resting her hands on the other girl's arms. It hurt so much when Brittany stepped back from her, and she let her hands drop. "I know, and I'm so sorry."
"Then why did you say it?" Brittany asked. She sounded so hurt and Santana couldn't stand not to be touching her. All she wanted was to hug her and hold her and somehow make everything okay. If there was one person who believed that hugs were magical and could cure anything it was Brittany.
"Because I was an idiot," Santana said with a sigh. "I was scared, Brittany. I'd never had to be so far away from you and we were finally together and it hurt to be so far away. Hearing about all the fun you were having and all the friends you were with, I was jealous. You were always going on and on about the stuff you were doing with your roommate and I got it into my head that something was going on. I mean, I know there wasn't, but I thought there was. I know you would never cheat on me. I know that. You're the best person I know and knowing that I hurt you like that, I couldn't stand it. I've spent all this time hating myself for doing that and for avoiding talking to you."
"It hurt a lot," Brittany said, and Santana could feel a tug on her heart. The last thing she ever wanted was to hurt her, but she knew she'd done it deliberately. There weren't many things she regretted in her life, but that was one of the biggest ones. "And it hurt that you never texted back, or called back. You're my best friend, Santana. I know we broke up but that didn't mean that you weren't my best friend anymore. Nothing was ever supposed to change that."
Those were words Santana hadn't expected to hear. Brittany referred to her as her best friend. In the present tense. She should have known that Brittany would still think that of her, even if they weren't together anymore. Brittany was the only person she knew who had no issues being friends with exes. She was the sweetest and most caring person Santana knew, and she just wanted to be friends with everyone no matter what. That was something Santana hadn't felt she deserved, not after what she'd done. That was why she didn't call or text back. That was why she didn't say anything until she felt like she absolutely had to, and this was that time.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you," she murmured, not sure how many times she could say the same words. She meant them just as much every time, but she felt like she wasn't making any headway. "I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't think I could. I wish I had, but I can't go back and change that. If I could, none of this ever would have happened. You're the best friend I've ever had."
"You know what hurts more?" Brittany went on, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that slipped from her eye. "More than those things you said? Not having you anymore. You were the one person I always had, Santana, and sometimes I just wanted to call and talk to you. No one else knows how my head works like you do, and not being able to talk to you hurt so much. But now you're here, and you're just the same. I want us to be the same again."
"I want that, too," Santana said, thinking that words couldn't possibly portray how much she wanted that. She wasn't sure exactly what Brittany meant, though she assumed she meant them being friends like they had been. Even still, she wasn't sure what she had been expecting out of her trip to visit Brittany, but this was more than she had hoped.
Except then Brittany was kissing her. Santana had been lost in her thoughts and the next thing she knew, the familiar taste of bubble gum lip smackers was on her lips. Her heart raced for the briefest moment before she made herself pull back, holding onto Brittany's shoulders as she looked up at her. "Brittany." She was a little embarrassed at how breathy she sounded after a short, mostly chaste kiss. It's just that it was Brittany and she hadn't kissed Brittany in years and God it was just as amazing as she remembered. "What are you doing?"
"I thought... that's what you wanted," Brittany said, her eyes so innocent as they looked into Santana's. Of course that was what she wanted. More than anything, Santana wanted to be back with Brittany. To be able to hug her, kiss her, touch her, do everything they used to. It took everything in her not to think about having sex with her, in that moment. "Don't you?"
"I... of course, but... you have a boyfriend." That hadn't stopped them in the past, obviously, but this was different. After everything that had happened and the reason they had broken up, Santana was having trouble letting that one slide by. The way Brittany's face fell at her statement, though, she felt like she had taken a bunch of steps backwards.
"I don't think he's going to be my boyfriend for much longer," Brittany mumbled, and Santana frowned. Of course. She had been so engrossed in Brittany and feeling horrible about what she'd done and then how it felt to actually be talking to her again that she had forgotten why she'd come in the first place. The little hints she had seen, the trouble in paradise.
"Why? What's wrong?" She hoped that it was nothing too serious, otherwise she was actually going to have to meet this guy and teach him a thing or two about how to treat Brittany. Not that she had a lot of room to talk, but she pushed that thought to the back of her mind. All she knew was that when someone hurt Brittany, it was Santana's job and right to make them pay for it. To be fair, she'd been doing it to herself for years - the guilt had taken care of that.
"He keeps telling me I have to grow up, get a real person job." Santana's brow furrowed as she listened to her. One of the best things about Brittany was that she didn't let getting older change who she was, how she thought. She was so special, and it made Santana a bit angry to think that someone was trying to take that away from her. Especially since it was someone who probably claimed to love her.
"Don't you let anyone tell you that you have to change," Santana said, her hand trailing down Brittany's arm and slipping into hers. "You're absolutely perfect just the way you are."
"I know I am," Brittany replied, squeezing her hand. "You always told me that before, and I know it's true." Santana knew she shouldn't feel so surprised that Brittany remembered what she used to tell her. They had been best friends since preschool. That was a lot of years of telling each other things, as opposed to the few years she hadn't been talking to her. Those years felt longer than the years of the rest of their friendship all put together.
"He just doesn't make me feel good about myself. That isn't fair, though, cause I should feel good about myself. I'm really good at dancing and so why shouldn't I keep doing that? I am grown up. I'm grown up enough that I can go buy wine and stuff with my own license, not a fake one. I even got all the way through school. I am grown up." Santana could feel Brittany's grip on her hand tightening as she spoke, and her voice got a little stronger as she went on as well. It sounded like a lot of things that Brittany practiced saying in her head, or to the mirror, but Santana felt like she had probably never actually said them to her boyfriend.
"I know, Brit." Her heart was just breaking for the other girl, wanting nothing more than for her to be happy. If being with this guy could make her happy, then Santana would be glad for her. The problem was that it didn't sound like that was the case. "You've grown up so much, and I'm sorry that I missed so many parts of that. I'm so proud of everything you've done, especially getting through school." She knew that Brittany's dad, along with so many others, never thought she would be able to get into a college and definitely not graduate. Well she had proven them all wrong. "Anyone who can't see how much you've done, how much you've grown, how great you are... well, they don't deserve you."
A small smile quirked the corners of Brittany's mouth upward, and she closed the gap between them, hugging her. Santana slipped her arms around her and rested her chin on her shoulder. This was something she missed more than she realized. Having Brittany there in her arms, hugging her so tight, it was so familiar and perfect. She never wanted to let go. It wasn't until she heard a key in the lock of the door that she realized she should.
Santana had been hoping to avoid ever meeting Brittany's boyfriend. Of course it was just her luck that when he walked into the apartment, she and Brittany were holding onto each other so tightly and they hadn't even started to let go. Judging by the look on his face, that wasn't exactly what he had wanted to come home to. She wished that she cared, but then again, she didn't want to make things any worse for Brittany.
"Hi," Brittany said, her arms slipping from around Santana as she took a step back. She bit her lip, and Santana could see her fidgeting a little. "Ricky, this is Santana. Santana... Ricky."
"Yeah, I know who she is," Ricky said, his eyes slightly narrowed. Santana bristled, folding her arms across her chest. Of course he knew who she was. He probably didn't think very highly of her and honestly she couldn't blame him, but at the same time she really didn't appreciate the way he was looking at her. "What's going on? I thought we had plans for dinner."
"I was just leaving," Santana said quickly, the awkwardness of the situation just kind of grating on her. She wished she had more time to talk to Brittany but she doubted she would get the chance since Ricky was there practically glaring at her. Quite frankly, it was ridiculous that he seemed to think that would intimidate her. Clearly he didn't actually know that much about her. She rolled her eyes and walked over to the door, raising an eyebrow at him until he stepped out of the way. "It was good to see you, Brit," she said, looking back over her shoulder at the other girl.
"You too," Brittany said softly, raising her hand in a little wave.
Santana left the apartment, stopped outside the door once she closed it and just leaning against the wall. What was she doing? She honestly had no idea. Through the wall she could hear muffled arguing, and she couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. Because it was. If she hadn't come to see her, Ricky wouldn't have been so annoyed or upset or whatever he was. Hearing him raise his voice at Brittany was enough to make her want to kick the door in and give him a piece of her mind, but she couldn't do that.
"Just leave, Santana," she muttered to herself. She pushed herself off the wall and went down the hall, heading down the stairs. Her feet had just hit the ground floor when she heard footsteps thundering down the staircase, and she stepped to the side to avoid being hit by whoever was running down. Except it was Brittany.
"Are you staying? I mean, for a few days?" Brittany sounded a little out of breath, and she reached out and grabbed Santana's hand, looking up at her with such a hopeful expression that Santana had no choice but to nod. She hadn't really figured out what she was doing there, if she should stay or just leave, but the way Brittany was looking at her made her choice really easy. "Good." A smile broke across Brittany face and she kissed Santana lightly on the cheek before turning around and running back up the stairs.
"I'm staying," Santana said, as if she had to convince herself that was true. She wish she knew what she was doing, but she didn't. All she could do was head out of the apartment building and head for the nearest Starbucks. She really needed some coffee, and to use their wifi to find a hotel.