Author's Note:

Yes, yes ya'll are probably sick of me but here's my thoughts.

I noticed that-even with my own writing-everyone is often focusing on Emma's thoughts and how she'd been doing. So, I thought it would be cool to write a fic about what Sean felt and thought when "Time Stood Still" for him and when he got "Back In Black" and then everything that happened on his way back and once he gets back.

This is only part one. The other part will be posted once I have reviews for this one. Promise! So anyone who wants the part 2 just review and you'll get it!

Jazzy Raveler!

Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, Sean would've never had to go through this tear Oh well!

If I owned the song "The One" it would've played all through the episode, but it's Daniel Bedingfield's and I guess he doesn't watch Degassi…

The Vow Part 1; The Vow

That contest seemed so pointless,

But she was on it…

She was amazing,

Just as smart, and pretty and fun as she'd always been

But, as usual, I had to pretend I didn't care

That I was just there to watch the show

Ellie sat beside me with her arms crossed doing the same

"Lame," she whispered and I laughed

My eyes locked on Emma,

"Yeah, lame."

They poured that stuff all over the guy

And it was really messed up

And I saw Emma rush out after him

Not sure what she did after that cuz me and Ellie left

Emma Nelson isn't exactly the kinda girl you can just get over

But, she'd been on my mind a lot more than usual lately

And that afternoon when I was switching classes,

I saw at her locker

Ever since that day in the hallway,

When she'd told me and Ellie about the silent protest directed at Rick

She'd been on mind

And now here she was

Standing across from me in the hall

Probably not even noticing me

But I smiled to myself at the sight of her…

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

I don't know why I was walking down the hall at that moment

But I was

I don't know why Toby was

He just was

I guess you'd call it fate

I'd call it the luckiest day of my life

If I hadn't been there to save her…

I won't even think about that though

Like I didn't even think about it then

We all heard it…a shot just ring out

And suddenly kids were racing past us

And we were walking the direction they'd come

Emma, always wanting to know what's happening and why,

Me, following Emma carefully

And Toby…God knows why Toby was going with us and I tried to motion for him to stay back

But I don't think he even noticed

My heart pounded as we turned the corner and saw Rick…that bastard

Rick said something-

I have no idea what-

My eyes moved and landed on the piece of metal hanging from his fingers.

I don't know what the Hell she did to him, but I knew.

I just knew he was going to try and shoot Emma…

my Emma

Everything else, all the dumb shit…

She and I supposedly not being able to stand one another,

Fell from my mind

And I grabbed her arm instinctively gripping it tightly,

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

"He's got a gun ok, let's go." I whispered in her ear

Pulling her,

My body begging her to move with me

Stay with me

Both our hearts beating rapidly…

But I'm pretty sure mine was beating faster than hers

If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?

He yelled out "Don't turn away from me!"

And I stopped moving, sighing strongly

But still gripping her arm

Rick was speaking as he walked towards us and I actually listened this time

"I'm glad I found you Emma. You made my list. You flirted with me… I thought you liked me, but, that was something else…"

I glanced at Emma,

She looked so…so terrified

About as terrified as I felt when I knew what Rick was about to try and do

Save her! I thought

But she was in front of me

And I knew that if I was going to

I'd have to edge toward Rick

Convince him to put down the gun

As I edged toward him all I knew was saving our lives

Emma's and mine

Because if Emma died…

I realized, what would be my reason to live?

"Jus-just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse."

I said slowly letting go of her arm and making sure to walk steadily in front of her

I was scared outta my mind but somehow,

My feet kept moving and my voice was still reasoning

Rick said "It can't get any worse…"

"Believe me, it can. I know-I... We'll figure it all out okay? Jus-jus...""

I told him, I was finally standing directly in front of him

And I watched as he slowly he moved the gun down to his side

"We'll figure this all out." I said with a sigh.

And I held my breath hoping that I'd said enough,

Done enough, and now Emma was safe

But then, he said "It's too late…"

And he was moving the gun up again

"No!" I said, my voice barely escaping my throat, not believing what was actually happening

"I've already shot someone."

He said shakingly…

As he held the gun up, pointing it straight over my shoulder

Directly at Emma…

My mind went blank

And then, I pulled his hand down, not even sure how,

I just did

The next thing I knew the gun went off…

I almost cried like a baby

If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

When I stood up my legs were shaking and I glanced over at her

Waiting for her to rush over to me

Say something

Do…anything

But, we were both still scared out of our minds

I looked down at Rick

Lifeless; soulless; heartless bastard,

And even though I knew that it had been him, me, or Emma

My shirt drenched with blood

All I wanted was for someone to notice that I was…

I just killed the guy…

I thought

And after a moment

I realized I was glad that Emma was to shaken to move

To try and come hug me

Or comfort me in any way

Because I knew if she did…

I'd never let her go…

I never know what the future brings

But I know you are here with me now

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I was in a daze

The only two things on my mind

Rick having died

And Emma having almost been killed…

I couldn't let on that I had saved her…

On purpose; not as a reaction, not because that's just what I would've done for anybody…

Because that's what I would do for her…

And I felt so stupid as all of the feelings I'd tried to suppress-

With my mind, with Ellie, with my whole messed up attitude-

Came rushing back to me

I knew I'd have to be numb

Fake sanity

And I wanted her to feel that I couldn't care less about her

I wanted her to see it just as well as feel it

And when all the reports were over

And all the other pointless bullshit was done

I turned away from her without a second glance and walked away

Walked outside of Degrassi

Determined to get away from the guilt and the pain…

And her

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

That night

I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, with Ellie on my shoulder

She'd cried herself to sleep softly saying

"What if you'd died, Sean?"

I couldn't answer

I just let her cry

As I thought, tears forming slowly in my own eyes

Guilt-stricken… "What if Emma'd died?"

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?

That Monday morning

The first thought on my mind

Emma

The first word I spoke

"Emma,"

The first person I wanted to see

Emma

If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?

I went to see Mr. Simpson.

And he asked me was I letting myself "deal,"

I'd been fine up until then

I'd gotten away from the reporters

I'd walked out of the stupid therapy session

But when this question was asked

I had to pause for a moment

Remembering why I was pretending

To top it off,

She came in, crying

I wanted to pick her up, hold her, shield her from the world

But I knew that she wasn't mine

So I just stared

Waited for her to acknowledge me

But, when she wrapped her arms around me

Whispering "You saved my life."

I wanted so desperately to hug her back…

I felt so happy and so sad in that instant, that I knew I had to push her off of me

Our relationship had grown so distant

That she probably read it as me, being a jackass

And the thought that I caused her to feel that, hurt

But I had to stay this way

Distant

Even if it hurt her

Even though…

It scarred me…

If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?

I should've never gone in that van

To see what my parents were saying

But I did,

And it proved too much for me…

My mom crying, like she really cared,

And something just snapped, no more pretending I thought

As I yanked the Monitor from the wall and walked out the van smashing it into the ground

My mind was too busy hating my parents to much attention to Ellie,

Jay was standing there and I pushed him out of the way

"Move, I'm driving!"

I barked at him and then looking over the car

I saw Emma, staring at me in minor shock

"Emma?! You coming or what!"

I yelled.

I hoped she would come

Prayed she would come

She did, climbing into Jay's car along with me and Ellie

And I knew where I was headed

And how long it would take

Maybe in that ride

That 2 hr ride I thought,

I would work up the courage to say what I wanted

Feel what I wanted

But I couldn't

Not in that ride

Not even with everything that had just happened

Even though I wished…

Realized…

Knew

That the only thing that really mattered

Was us

If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

"Let him go Ellie! He should've done this years ago."

She said shutting Ellie up,

She knew me so well.

She knew my insides

She knew what I thought and felt

And she was willing to let me feel it

Because that's what I needed

Little did she know that she was what I really needed

The beach

Burying Emma and Ellie in the sand

Wasn't the first time since the shooting that I'd touched her

She'd hugged me so I guess that was a touch

But it was the first time in a year that I allowed myself to really touch her

To brush my hand again her soft blonde hair

And feel her skin

She's laughing, thinking it means nothing

When it really meant everything

And in her smile

I saw the hope in her eyes

The hope of me and her

And all else disappeared

I don't know why you're so far away

But I know that this much is true

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray in you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

I couldn't take sitting there

Knowing that I couldn't have her

Not now

…even though I'd probably killed for her

Knowing that she didn't even want me

Not ever

…and feeling so damn guilty about Rick?

It was too much

And when I saw

Tyler –the kid I deafened in one ear-

I saw an easy way out

So Jay's stupid suggestion formed

And an easy excuse to let out my anger appeared in front of me

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

Almost getting a fight with Tyler

After he trashed me

Said I was "Killing and running these days"

was bad enough

But, when I'd gotten dressed to get on a jetski

And I walked toward the water,

Ellie followed me,

"Sean, I am trying to understand what you are going through…"

She wanted me to talk

I couldn't

Not to her

And I didn't want to

I almost broke down

But instead,

I just brushed her hand away from me

"No! You're not doing this to me!"

I screamed and I jumped onto the jetski

Trying to leave it all behind

Emma…

Ellie…

Rick

But I could still hear her name

See her face trembling with fear

I could still feel my heart pounding and see Rick as he slumped

And I couldn't shake it

I felt myself slipping and then I fell

I'd thought it was in my mind but when I opened my eyes

I realized it was real

Because she was there

Sitting over me

Watching me,

Holding me,

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

As I sat there, staring out at the ocean

Everything flashed through my mind at once

Everything that had gone on for the past 4 years

How dumb I'd been

How stupid trying to avoid being with Emma

And now none of it mattered.

"Sean?" I heard her saying and then she waved her hand in my face…

She sat down next to me

"Maybe you need to see a doctor?"

"I'm fine." I said, realizing that I was about to tell the truth for the first time all that day

"I was just thinking." She stared at me curiously asking "About what?"

"Emma. . . I'm sorry."

"For what?" she asked, as though she had no idea

"For last year, you know? For everything I put you through."

I turned looking at her, wanting her to see that I was really really serious

"Everything. I'm sorry."

She shook her head at me

"Ancient history." And smiled

And that did it

I tried to say it

I tried to so hard to say it

"I love you, Emma!"

But even thinking it…I couldn't deal

Even imagining what she'd say

Or do

It scared me senseless and I knew then that when we went back to my parents house

-"a pitstop"- that I was going to stay

Stay where I could control my environment

And change the way I was viewed

Here and back at Degrassi

And to Emma

Other girls-none would ever compare to her-and Ellie wouldn't have to find out the hard way

I loved her too

But…

She just wasn't Emma

"That kid at school? He was gonna shoot my friend…he was gonna shoot my friend…so-so I grabbed the gun and it went off. I-I think I-I think

I might've-I might've killed him! I might've killed him! He died! He died! He died!"

I said, the emotion finally overwhelming me as I broke down

My moms arms were hugging me for the first time in 4 yrs

Making me feel safer, stronger

I couldn't look at Jay, Emma, or Ellie and instead just went inside with my parents

I cried

I told them everything

About how I felt after killing him

And about how she-the girl I loved-had almost been killed

About how I couldn't think of going back now…

I didn't even give it a 2nd thought

Not even when Ellie's voice broke

"Sean? Please …I-I love you."

"I love you too...but, Ellie..." I'd said,

Not believing who I was saying it to

And I could see in her eyes that she didn't believe it either.

"Yo Cameron get in the car!" Jay yelled and I turned towards him,

"Staying!" I said, walking towards him steadying myself not daring to look at Emma

Knowing that if I did I might say it…

"I'm staying. Look for the first time in my life I need to be here, with my parents, to deal."

"You sure about this?" Jay asked, and I nodded

"Okay man. See ya" he said, hugging me

And then I saw her…staring at me.

Ellie stomped back over to the car and was getting in

Shaking her head,

Jay had hugged me-a sign that we were still cool

But Emma?

I tried to say the words

"Goodbye Emma,"

I tried to make my feet move to go and hug her

But I couldn't say the words

And my feet wouldn't move

So…

I waited for her to say them

But…

She couldn't say them either

And we stood staring at one another

She was looking at me as though she hated me…

No, as though she hated what I was doing

Her eyes filled with…pain, I realized

She finally opened the car door

Climbing in along Jay and Ellie

And that was the moment it hit me

I knew

She still loved me

And one day

I was going back to her

Even as she drove away I could see her looking back at me

And I felt a tear rolling slowly down my cheek…

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away

I caught my breath and stood firm, holding the ground as long as I could watching the car roll away

And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today

And as the car became smaller and smaller in the distance

I whispered the words "I'll come back to you."

'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right

And though I can't be with you tonight

You know my heart is by your side

I walked inside the house

Ashamed of myself for leaving them

Abandoning my friends

Abandoning…her

But right now, I needed to feel the room to breathe

And cool my head

Before I let myself back into her life.

And I said again, soothing my own tears with the vow that I knew I would someday fulfill,

"I'll come back to you"

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

Is there any way that I…