Gintoki's Strange Addiction

This program depicts addictive behaviors that are dangerous and risky in nature.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Meet Gintoki Sakata, a young man who has developed an addiction.

"My name is Gintoki Sakata and today I am here to talk about my strange addiction… to sugar."

Gintoki has a disease that is also known as Sugaritis.

He eats sugar approximately more than 24 times in a day, which is approximately 189.947.738 in a year.

That is a lot because 189.947.738 is bigger than 100 and whatever number is bigger than 100 means that it is a lot.

"My mom told me that the first time she realized I was addicted to sugar was in the hospital just after she had me, when a doctor instead of putting sugar on his coffee accidentally poured it on me. Apparently the doctor had been drunk and mistaken me for his coffee. Anyway, she told me I seemed possessed and ate every last bit of it like a wild animal. So I guess you could say I have this 'addiction' since the day I was born."

Gintoki's addiction got worse when at five years old he was craving sugar so much he stole a lollipop from a baby and called the infant a 'bitch' for crying about it.

"I don't really think it's a bad thing, I mean we all eat food otherwise we would die. A big part of my food just happens to be sugar because it's so sweet and tastes really delicious. There's nothing really wrong with that so I don't see why people call it 'addiction'. Like, is it trendy or something?

His boyfriend is very concerned about his health.

Toshiro Hijikata, partner of Gintoki

"My name is Toshiro Hijikata and I am Gintoki's boyfriend. Since I discovered the problem he has I have been really worried about him. A few months ago he started becoming distant and he never picked up his phone, he always found excuses. I thought he was cheating on me, so I decided to follow him and see if my fears were real. And I found him sleeping with… sugar. Literally. He was sleeping in a hotel room full of sugar. Since then he has been very open about it. Sometimes he won't stop eating until he throws up and then he eats it again…though after he's done the bathroom doesn't smell of vomit, it smells of syrup or something."

Kotaro Katsura, best friend of Gintoki

"There was this night a few weeks ago when Gintoki called me at three in the morning and asked me to help him, saying that it was urgent and a life or death situation, and I absolutely had to bring him some sugar to a specific address. I was a little weirded out but I went along with it. When I got to the place I found out it was the prison. Apparently he had been arrested for robbing a store of all its sugar content. I am still uncertain as to why he used the only call he could make to ask for sugar instead of us finding a way to get him out. The worst thing about all of this is… he ruined my beauty sleep that night for some sugar… the nerve he has to disrespect me in such a way…"

Sakamoto Tatsuma, Gintoki's not best friend anymore

"As his best friend I am worried about him, ahahah! A few weeks ago when we were having breakfast I said that coffee tastes better with a sweetener rather than regular sugar. He told me that I am a monster, stormed off without paying and he has blocked me from his contacts ever since."

Gintoki's addiction has taken him in strange places.

"One time there were a few guys on the street that were selling some white powder. I thought it was sugar so I bought it. They told me sniffing it would be more effective and I thought it makes sense because, you know, if you have it up your nose it goes directly into your brain and you can still taste it in the back of your mouth, so I did that… and it turns out that wasn't sugar at all. I don't really remember much from that day, except for waking up in a different country."

Shinsuke Takasugi, Gintoki's best 'worst' enemy

"…Why the hell am I even here? This is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. And why the fuck are we doing an interview on television? Are you guys so fucking pressed for fame? What kind of bullsh-"

Shinsuke's interview is cut short due to his language being too vulgar. When asked to stop he stormed out saying his lawyers will hear about this.

Today we have also invited a victim of Gintoki's dangerous addiction.

Madao, lives on a cardboard box in the streets

"One day I saw this guy walking by my house, by that I mean the cardboard box I live in, and I was so hungry because I hadn't eaten in two days. He had some cotton candy and it was so inviting, I was starving so I tried to get a little of it. When he noticed he bitchslapped me so hard I woke up in a hospital. At least I ate free food for a few days there."

Gintoki

"When I think about that loser that tried to steal my cotton candy I just want to drown him in hot, boiling sugar. Sometimes my friends and my boyfriend joke that I need to go see a therapist, ahahah, aren't they funny?"

Kotaro

"He needs to see a therapist as soon as possible. Seriously. Very soon."

Toshiro

"It has to stop. This has gone on too far and he needs real help."

Tatsuma

"When will he unblock me?"

We asked Gintoki what his favourite way of eating sugar is.

Gintoki

"My favourite way of eating sugar is going directly to the source. I either lick it straight from the sugar cans or at night I stealthily get into the closest factory where they produce it, I must have ninja skills or something because I'm really good at that."

Employee working in the factory Gintoki steals the sugar from

"There's this dude that sometimes comes at night and swims inside the sugar. It's really fucking weird but, eh, I guess everyone has their fetishes. I haven't told my boss 'cause I don't really wanna get in trouble and I also feel really bad for the dude, like, that's a weird obsession to have. It must be tough."

Gintoki

"To this day they still have no idea what I'm doing, I'm really great at this kind of stuff. Anyway I just immerse myself in the large tanks they use to contain the granulated sugar. I swear I'm the happiest human being ever when I do that! If I could I would marry all the sugar in the world! I still love my boyfriend very much, of course, I just have this… different love for sugar, you know what I mean? And I will always love sugar, no matter what.

To this day Gintoki still does not see his 'love' for sugar as an addiction. After the program he has accepted other offers of sugar from people in the street. He has ended up waking in another country once again.

Toshiro is still worried about him, especially after finding him with 'different sugars' every night.

Kotaro has still not gotten over that dreadful night when he lost his beloved beauty sleep.

Shinsuke, in his own words- 'doesn't give a flying fuck and Gintoki can go and choke on a motherfucking piece of cotton candy for all he cares.'

Tatsuma is still trying his best to get unblocked.

Part 2 of Nonsense… and other stuff.

. . .

A/N: I have seen a lot of parody videos about 'my strange addiction' but never a fic so I decided to make a stupid one.

And I connect to Gintoki on a cosmotically spiritual level.