Ok, time to present to the public my new fanfic which I'm currently working on whenever I'm in a traffic jam and not sleeping)) It is kind of me realizing my ambition to write a really sad fic, and so far I like this work, though I'm not sure it's really original. Hope so at least))

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, apart from those I created, nor do I own the series, which I certainly wouldn't want to play out the way I've written here.

Timeline: sometime after the series final.

Pairing: hard to tell. I'm a hopeless M/S shipper but here it's rather M/S drama.

Characters: all the characters taken from the series remained the way they were designed – no OOC intended at least.

Target audience: this might be good for those who would like to read something sad and heart-rending. Don't look for action here, or for the traditional Maeve-returns-and-everyone-is-happy stuff. It is purely my attempt to put the characters in a very dramatic situation and see how they act. I'm still trying to see whether it's turning out nice or not, so any feedback is appreciated))

Special thanks: goes to TiaKisu for always being enthusiastic when I work on something; to Niki for reading my ravings without having watched a single episode and moreover commenting on them; to Evanescence for providing their fans with a new album and me with a title))

Note: a line means that the other character becomes the narrator.

As I was running up to her, I already knew I was late.

I felt that I was going into shock, but I welcomed the numbness like an old friend, for I knew it was the only thing that could save me from the overwhelming guilt and the insanity which would follow.

There wasn't much blood. I didn't even need to see it to realize what had happened. Her eyes were too familiar and I couldn't fail to see them die. Two oceans that would always flow over me with their warmth were now cold, unmoving.

I didn't have a single chance to doubt she was dead.

I stopped in my tracks, torn between the two desires I had: to run up to her and do whatever was in my power to bring her to life, and to run away with my eyes closed and pretend that this was only a nightmare.

She couldn't have died. Yet, she just had. I had the last chance to glance at the red curls, now lying in a disarray on the sand – it was the only distraction that prevented me from looking at her dead, unseeing eyes. I was sure that one time I had seen them would be enough for me to have nightmares for the rest of my life. Then there was a bright flash of flames and where she'd just been only hot steaming sand remained.

For the second time, I failed to say goodbye to her.

My friends surrounded me, they were speaking, shouting about Rumina and her tricky magic that she'd just used so fruitfully, but I couldn't make out a single word. They were all a blur, some insignificant noise next to the pounding coming from my heart. Lost. Lost. Lost.

As they were dragging me to the ship, I didn't fight. I had no more strength.

When I sank to the floor of the tiny cottage I was in, Dim-Dim bent over me worriedly.

"How… could… he?" I was sobbing and couldn't stop. "Why did he… ever… believe this? Did he have… so little… faith?" Until Dim-Dim put his hand on my shoulder to steady me, I hadn't realized I was shaking. "I must… do something"

How could such a simple trick be everything it took him to give up on me? I failed to see how he could take an imposter for me. Rumina had played tricks on us before, and he should have known better than that. I couldn't but be angry with him, but I also couldn't but cry for his loss together with him. For what was an obvious illusion for me was a tragedy for him. My hands were itching to strangle Rumina, but the ache I felt to reach out to the other dimension and soothe Sinbad was stronger.

"Maeve" said Dim-Dim in his quiet voice. "Child, listen to me. You are too weak now, too weak from all this watching. Moreover, if you show up, Rumina may feel you. She may find us. That may be a part of her plan"

"I don't care" I whispered. "I can't let him die inside again. I can't let him go through the same, only this time much much worse. He must fight, for the sake of both of us"

Dim-Dim sighed, and still I knew he wasn't surprised.

"Then at least wait till morning comes" he advised. "It'll be evening there, nothing will happen to Sinbad – he has Doubar to watch him after all. You'll have a chance to explain yourself calmly and feel stronger"

That much I could bear.

Dim-Dim had to make me go to bed and get some rest – and I only agreed to return the power I'd spent watching Sinbad. Forcing myself to sleep, I never tried to struggle with the image of his handsome tired face in my mind – I carried it with me to my dreams.

I didn't know whether I'd make it through the afternoon. One would think the second time the pain would be easier, not so sharp. It was a mistake to think so. It was worse.

Firouz told me to sleep, but I couldn't. Her frozen eyes were always there when I closed my own. In their expressionlessness I saw accusation – for I had been late again. Firouz's medicine didn't seem to affect me as it had to, and Doubar opted for his cure – ale. I accepted it gladly, for I needed something that would make me too numb to feel and think.

They left me alone in my cabin and I was grateful to Bryn for chasing them all out. She insisted that I stayed alone. In a way, she knew me so much better than any of them did. They wanted to keep me company, to cheer me up, Firouz even gave some profound idea that I had to TALK to someone. Only Bryn understood that I had to deal with it alone. That I had to live through it – and then maybe one day I would come back to life.

The candle was filling the cabin with dim light and sleep-inducing warmth and I was thinking of the one I found to lose forever.

I woke up to the sound of chanting. Dim-Dim was increasing my power, I realized, listening to the spell. I felt wonderful until in a moment I realized that what happened the day before wasn't my nightmare. It was Sinbad's nightmare.

"Are you ready?" Dim-Dim asked.

"More than ever" I smiled, but it wasn't a happy smile.

I stepped into the magical circle that he had already prepared and we started chanting a new spell. One that would set my spirit free and let it wander through magic and distance and reach the one place where I longed to be. To reach home.

I found him at the table, face on his hand but I knew he wasn't asleep. There was an empty mug next to him, lying on the table and swaying to the rhythm of the waves. He looked so miserable I felt the urge to touch his face, to caress his hair… yet my spiritual form didn't let me do it. How more cruel could it be, being so close to him for the first time in these two years and having no material skin to feel him? I had only my voice to count on, it was my only chance to prove I was alive, I was there for him, even though I was very far away.

"Sinbad" I called quietly. He didn't move. "Sinbad!"

He raised his head, and my heart stopped for a moment when I saw his face. He could as well be dying – the flame in his eyes was gone. His empty hopeless stare scared me and I felt tears form in my eyes in the other dimension.

"Ah, it's you again" he said in a coarse voice I didn't recognize.

"Sinbad, it's me, it's Maeve. I'm alive"

He laughed bitterly – I didn't recognize the sound again.

"Yes, right. Like I haven't heard that one before"

"Sinbad" I felt my own voice tremble. "It's really me. What are you talking about?"

"Why have you come here?" he shouted all of a sudden, and I felt my control over my spirit slipping. "To torment me? To torture? Like the pain wasn't enough, you've come to make it worse?"

"Sinbad, you don't need to feel the pain anymore. I'm alive, all you saw was an illusion. You were tricked into believing I was dead, but I'm not"

"You always, always say the same…" he snapped, and I saw true anger reflecting in his gaze. "My poor imagination is never inventive. You're always here, you always try to prattle that you're close, that you'll return soon, that you love me. How could you love me? I failed you, again and again"

"But of course I do!" I didn't know what to do anymore, my despair was leaking through the confidence I tried to imbue him with, and it certainly wasn't helpful. "You never failed me, why would you ever think that? You're a human with no magical powers, and you did more for me than anyone ever did or would!"

"Tell me you're forgiving me" he begged. I couldn't understand, and I was sure my pain was now a match to his own.

"I always forgive you" I tried to sound tender, and I thought it worked when his face lit up.

"Then now I can finally let you go… Your image won't haunt me anymore… You've never forgiven before" he said absently. "That's how I'll remember you – so beautiful and so incredibly alive" he sighed. He stood up, reached out to touch me but of course felt only the warm air where I should have been. "Sure, how stupid of me" he muttered. "Thank you, Maeve. I loved you as much as I could – and still much less than you deserved. Good-bye"

Astonished, gasping, I watched him lie down on the couch and turn to face the wall. He gave up on me. Just so. I had to go on, to persuade him that I was there whatever it cost me, but I felt I wasn't in control of my spirit anymore – my body was pulling it back.

"NO!" I shouted, and Dim-Dim needed all his strength to prevent me from crashing into the table. "Let me go back! Let me! I can't let him do this! He gave up, he should never have done it! Let me return!"

"YOU CAN'T" Dim-Dim said loudly. "Maeve, Rumina almost felt you, another moment – and she would have traced you here, and all we have been doing, all our effort and training would be in vain. Would you want it? Would you want Sinbad to suffer for nothing?"

"He shouldn't be suffering at all!" I shouted, not caring about the tears, letting them flow freely all over my face. "I hurt him again!"

"Maeve, do you remember how you wanted him to live after you disappeared? How you needed him to move on? Maybe now he finally will?"

I was torn. A part of me wanted him to move on, to be happy despite the fact I was far away. But another part that I hated wanted him to wait for me. Begged him to stay alone until one day I would show up and make everything normal again.

I knew it was only my private definition of "normal".

I woke up feeling empty, but the feeling was certainly welcome. It was better than the sharp pain I had felt yesterday.

It's an incredibly strange feeling – you feel a hollow somewhere in your stomach, the dull ache is so natural you barely notice, and it reaches the heart with short painful waves of feeling. With enough practice they wouldn't get that far anymore.

"Hello, little brother"

I looked at Doubar and hated the sympathetic look on his face.

"Hello"

"Feeling better?" he asked me, though I hardly wanted to talk about that.

"Just fine, Doubar"

He left me the tiller. The day was there, everyone was walking around me, I kept talking, nodding, listening, but never really concentrating on the conversation. The night and its long-awaited sleep were gone, and I had to face the reality. As much as I loved her, I couldn't let myself ruin my life for her.

Memories were now flowing freely, and I wasn't even trying to defy them. Everything on this ship was about her just as much as about any of us. We couldn't but recall those we had lost touching a particular board or looking at a special couch. It wasn't weird, the weird thing was to think of her as of a dead person. Still, this was the first time I was ready to let go.

In the afternoon I went below deck, having left the tiller to Rongar. I decided to go to her room; Bryn's room, in fact, but her cupboard remained untouched: I had warned everyone against touching it. Even myself, after I had stuffed the cupboard with all her belongings I could find in the room.

The cupboard wasn't full: she never owned many things. I found a huge pile of books she'd used for chanting or self-education, and decided to give them to Bryn, who had asked me once if she could borrow the books, but I'd shifted the subject back then. I knew Bryn would appreciate the present, despite everything.

I found some clothes – the present I'd given her three years before having helped queen Nadia.

"You never had a chance to wear these" I muttered. Reason told me to throw that all away, or to give the clothes to someone else, but I couldn't. Angry with myself, I threw the books on the table, closed the doors of the cupboard and walked out of the room. I was nearly attacked by an enraged Dermott. The hawk was making an awful lot of noise, and in his gaze I read – or maybe wanted to read – reproach.

"I miss her too, Dermott" I said.

The hawk looked like he was desperately trying to convey some idea, but I didn't know birdspeak. Chasing him off my way I returned to those who needed me – my crew, worrying about me on the deck.

That was the day when I stopped watching Sinbad.

I hated myself for the weakness, but I couldn't go on like that anymore. I left all the watching to Dim-Dim, just to know he was alive and fine. I swore I wouldn't leave this dimension until I was free. Dim-Dim had given me too much to risk my life. Bryn could do everything I could, if not more, and I was grateful. Or at least tried to be. I knew she could take care of him.

"Sinbad decided to kill Rumina" Dim-Dim informed me one of the following days. "He thinks he'll avenge your death this way"

"He won't be able to do it alone" I said absently.

"He's not alone" Dim-Dim reminded, and it hurt more than I'd expected.

Somehow I felt that my imaginary death brought the crew closer. Perhaps, I thought, all this time Sinbad had been waiting for me in the meantime, and this empty spot was what hadn't let them be happy. Now that he let go of me, everything was getting normal – a very new, unfamiliar state of "normal" which would have no place for me when I returned one day…

I forbade myself to think in this direction. He had to be happy, with me or – as now – without me.

My search was going on and on, without any obvious success. I had no idea if Dim-Dim was still alive, I couldn't ask him why and how he let her out of his realm, nor could I ask why she was there fighting Rumina on her own, instead of coming back to me. The thought "coming back" was painful. I was trying not to think of the past in these last months. That was the only way to persuade myself that there was a lot ahead of me, and that was what I had to concentrate on.

I'd already regained my ability to smile, I even laughed several times at Doubar's jokes. He turned out incredibly considerate when he made some effort, and as I'd noticed, he'd tried to cut out jokes about love and women.

Love it had been, I couldn't deny that. Otherwise, why had I felt so blue all the time she was away? Why had I kept recalling all those tiny moments between us? I knew she'd loved me, too. Her willingness to risk her life for my sake, the sacrifices she had been making, every look, word and touch – it had all been so pure, so innocent, something I'd never experienced before her. Now it was all gone. I would find someone, perhaps – now the thought didn't seem as appalling as it had a month or two ago – but that feeling would never return, I thought without sadness, but with gratitude.

Though I'd got used to her absence in the world, lately I'd been missing her more than before. When the pain had ceazed, I started realizing what she'd given me, something I had failed to realize before – the greatest care ever. She cared for me and about me in a very special way – something only a woman was capable of. That's what I'd been looking for in every woman I cheated on her with – that's what I had no chance to find, with them being there for just one day, never growing as attached to me as to care. There was one exception, however.

That evening I was thinking of Bryn.

She was a friend to me, always caring, always understanding, always offering simple support and never demanding explanations. I knew she cared for me more than she could afford, and she knew I couldn't return those feelings – not when I had someone else to care for, anyway. I suddenly wondered how she treated the whole thing – was she really sorry for me? Did she have some new hopes? I felt pity for this poor woman who had no past to count on and couldn't have me to ensure her future the way she wanted.

And why not?

I was a man, I thought, and I needed a woman around me. Bryn could give me so much more than any other woman – she would be with me during my travels, she would care about the person I was, not only about the physical part. She was a lovely girl, so innocent and so good-natured – it would be easy for me to love her, I already did. Maybe it wouldn't be the same kind of feeling, I figured, but was true love really about infatuation? Bryn would love me, I would cherish her in the best possible way, how could that be not enough?

I stood up and went to the top desk. I knew she'd want to enjoy the fresh evening after the heat of the day and was sure I would find her there. Indeed, there she was, facing the wind with a happy face.

"Bryn" I called.

She turned to me and her face immediately turned troubled. In the latest months they saw little good from me, so she must have been wondering what problem I had this time.

"Yes?"

"I want to talk to you. In my cabin, if you don't mind" I said, smiling.

"Sure" she smiled, but her eyes were still wary. She was trying to decipher what mood I was in. I guessed she was surprised to see my smile.

We went below deck side by side. Bryn was only slightly tense – not sure what would come next, I decided. The tension from being close to me or being alone with me was long gone, though I'd never told her I knew it existed at all. I sat on the couch and invited her to have a seat beside me. Bryn did, crossing her legs in a very graceful manner (had I not noticed this before?) and watching me, waiting for me to speak.

"I've been thinking…" I started. I decided not to hide the nervousness I felt. "…that I must move on with my life. I can't grieve forever"

"That's great, Sinbad" she said warmly, and I understood she hadn't got where I was leading just yet. "But you should realize nobody forces you to do anything. I mean, we all understand your feelings, and we can surely be supportive for as long as you need us to be"

That was so totally Bryn.

"I know" I answered. "But it's really high time I started everything from square one. It's not easy"

"Of course it's not! I mean…" she hesitated. "You loved her"

"I loved her" there was no point in denying. "But it happens that people we love aren't with us anymore. Then the only thing we can do is to thank them for being in our life and then go on as we should. We can't stick to those we lost eternally" I took her hand and she allowed it, confused. "We are alive" I pointed out.

"We are" she agreed, unsure of what I meant.

"Have you thought of the future, Bryn?" I asked in the most tender voice I could manage.

"I have nothing else to think of" she answered somewhat bitterly

"But it's the most important thing" I continued, unembarrassed. "You are a great person, you know. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for me"

"No need to thank me" she shrugged. "You know how dear a friend you are to me"

"Yes" I laughed inside at her choice of words. "You are dear to me, too" I said in my most irresistible voice, pulling her closer.

It was morning, and I was frying eggs for breakfast. Dim-Dim was telling me some story, but I wasn't listening. Lately he'd been complaining that I'd become extremely unattentive and he felt like he was talking to a brick wall. I couldn't help it, because my frustration seemed to build up day by day instead of wearing off.

"I'll go check on the ship" he said softly. "You don't seem to be able to get your mind off it anyway"

"Indeed I can't" I sighed. "Forgive me, Dim-Dim. It's beyond my power"

"I know, my child" his eyes grew sad.

He returned in five minutes when I'd already finished with the eggs and was cutting bread. People in the village would sell any kind of food we needed despite fearing us a bit. They didn't know it was another dimension. It was as real for them as the real world, and I was getting the same strange feeling from time to time.

"How is he?" I asked the regular question, fearing every day that Dim-Dim would modify his "alive" or "fine" with some more details.

"Fine" Dim-Dim answered, and I sighed in relief. "He's moving on, Maeve"

The painful thud of my heart seemed so loud I was afraid he could hear it.

"How?" I asked, though it didn't really matter.

"Let's eat" Dim-Dim suggested.

It took me hardest effort ever to prevent me from resuming my watch on that day.

I kissed her with the skill I had, and was excited to feel my own passion arise, too. I felt her responding, and it was wonderful – a kiss with a woman I cared for – in whatever way. What surprised me was the frozen, unmoving shape of her lips a moment later.

"What?" I asked, bewildered.

"Sinbad, don't" said Bryn, looking rather confused. "I know what it's all about. You're trying to use me, and I don't blame you. But I refuse to be a part of your scheme. I refuse to hear another woman's name when we are close. I haven't deserved it" she noticed my wide eyes and went on. "We're ve been checking on you at night, Sinbad. You still say her name in your sleep"

"I thought that's what you want. I want the same. It's only about you and me" I said, fearing what other revelations about me might come.

"Admit it, Sinbad" she paused. "…I'll never be to you anything I'm not. Anything more than I already am. It was clear from the start"

"But now…" I started.

Bryn interrupted me.

"Now it's different, I know. But not for you and me. You've always been my best friend" she smiled. "Don't ruin it"

"I guess you're right" I said, hiding the face in my hands. My tanned skin hardly blushed, but I felt so self-conscious at that moment that I believed it could betray me.

"I'm sorry, Bryn. I was thinking of… of the future you and I could have. I thought we could be happy together. I decided everything and it was selfish of me. Forgive me"

"I understand" she answered softly. "I would love, Sinbad, I would love it so much if we could have a future together, but it's not meant to be. I wouldn't ever be able to live with the thought that I'm someone else's substitute"

"It would be very unfair to you" I admitted.

Bryn smiled. "You'll find someone, Sinbad. But it will happen only when you stop seeing her in every woman you meet"

"You're not the case" I answered.

"I know. But my case is that you see myself in me, and that's the problem"

I didn't quite understand what she meant.

"Let's forget about it, fine?" I pleaded.

"Sure"

She went to her cabin then, and I stayed in mine, feeling utterly and endlessly disgusted with myself.

I pitied myself more than I could afford, more than I should have.

A while before that I had believed he would suffer more than me, just because I knew he was alive and he couldn't and wouldn't believe that so was I. Now I started believing it was worse for me. He didn't have me and he could move on. As much as wanted, I could not.