Chapter 1 – Back to where all started

April

I'm here because my husband is dead. Yep. We didn't have much time. I can't believe that he won't be there with me as the kids grow up. Yet he will be there, just like I know Samuel is.

"I don't need to send Samuel all your love. He receives it directly from you, always."

He always knew what to say to me. "You'll know when to open it. It's my gift to you," he said as he handed me an envelope. And I never thought I would find what I found inside. I can't believe he still has ways to mess up with me. He's dead and I shouldn't be letting this anger grow inside of me. How well did he know me! I'm going to miss him so very much. I still don't know what I'm going to do with the envelope inside the envelope. It's clearly not for me. That name. What was he thinking? I can't return the gift now. I just need to send this letter without meeting him face to face. Although I don't know if I should trust Matthew, I don't know what is inside it and it scares the hell out of me.

Jackson

How did we get here? How did I let it get this far? How could I not notice this?

I need to find her. I also need to calm down. I want to shout at her for not telling me, for being a stranger, for keeping me aside. But that's just how angry I am with myself. I cannot blame her. I didn't help, I let it happen. I didn't even try.

I enter the fifth church this night, hoping this is the right one. And thanks to God, I find her.

As I'm walking towards her, it feels like time runs slower or maybe the church has just got bigger. I don't know.

How could I found the one and let her go this far away from me? I have to believe that there's still hope for us, that we can fix it. I don't care how long it takes. We are worth it. It's US.

She looks bad and it hurts me like hell. I cannot believe how much feelings I'm having. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not angry anymore, I just want to hug her and never let her go. I just wish I knew how to heal all of her pain.

April

I don't know for how long I've been here sitting in the church, staring at nothing. I have no idea for how long has he been in front of me, staring at me. I just have to have a glance at him and time stops. He still has that power over me.

Death visited again. Being a trauma surgeon, having had a near death experience and having lost my newborn son, I should be able to say that we are friends now. I cannot say the same about the man staring at me. Except I can, no matter how much time has passed since the last time we saw each other, no matter when was the last time that I felt we were friends. It's been months since we had an actual conversation about anything but Harriet. Yet here he is. He's the one to find me, always.

As I'm staring at him, I can't stop thinking about us, about the future. Where will we be the next time we see each other? Will it be a wedding, a funeral, a birthday? Will it be friends related, Harriet's related or job related? Now it is because of Matthew's death, last time was when I married Matthew. Seven months had passed since we were face to face. It's not such a long amount of time, yet for us it is, considering it's US.

At first I feel like it hurts but it's not that. It's just like running after a long time, when you feel your muscles are in pain, but it's just because you have not used them for some time. That's how I'm feeling. It's seem like pain, but I'm just remembering how it feels to be us. It still feels like home. It feels like yesterday. It feels like ALWAYS feels. It feels like ice literally melting. It's been seven months from last time, yet I'm hugging him, crying not knowing exactly why.

Last time, Matthew was still alive. He messed a lot with me that day. So did Arizona.

"I believe you owe me something", Arizona said and he handed her a hundred bucks. "What's that for?" I asked. As soon as I asked I realized it.

"Did you bet on something?" I asked.

They both kept silent.

"I bet Jackson will stop the wedding again. Sorry. You know I'm Japril's number 1 fan," Matthew said.

"How cute! You call them Japril?" Arizona asked.

I pretended to be angrier that I actually was and took the hundred bucks from Matthew's hand saying as I was leaving the room

"You two can go to hell. You know I mean it," I said.

And they knew I didn't. The happy bubble. I guess that's why it's a bubble. And now Jackson is here and I know what this is. It's a joke from Matthew. How do they still let him do that in Heaven? He must be laughing so hard. The letter wasn't a gift to me, he planned all along to mess with me from the afterlife. I believe I can hear him laughing.

I know why Jackson's here, Owen told him that Matthew died. How he found me is another story. No idea so far.

"Harriet is with Owen and Amelia. But of course you know. He told you, that's why you are here," I said.

When did we lost each other? Was it when Samuel died? When I left to warzone, first or second time? When I told Maggie he liked her? I don't know. I don't care. It's done. I lost him long before my wedding to Matthew.

"Thank you for always being there for me", I said.

He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, like he failed. I know why he looks at me like that.

Jackson

How can she thank me? I failed her again.

"You didn't tell me", I said.

And she knows that I'm not talking about Matthew's death, I'm talking about Matthew's illness.

"We haven't been exactly talking about anything but Harriet," she said.

"You should have told me, we were…"

And how the hell should I finish that sentence? How can I be talking in past tense when what we have feels timeless? And before I can finished what I started, she says "You still are my… everything, my person. But it's healthier for me when we are just Harriet's parents. It makes everything easier."

And of course, I freeze and I don't say anything. I don't understand anything, maybe I'm hearing things. I must have lost my mind. I don't know how long I have been mute, but the only thing that gets out of my mouth is "What do you mean?"

April

"You know exactly what I mean, because nothing has changed for me, never and that's why it hurts. Don't worry, I know…," I stopped before I could say "how you fell" because that never helped. I know better than that. I learned one or two things by now, and I should stop assuming how he feels or even better I should stop letting him know what I assume he's thinking and wait for him to tell me. So I try to correct myself.

"I know it's strange for me to be saying this right now, considering everything. It's not as bad as it seems. Matthew knew. We had the best of marriage, in its own way. I'm glad for everything we had. He was everything that I needed and I was everything that he needed. And we loved each other. Not like we did anyways," I say.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked.

Matthew, that's the answer. Or maybe Mark. No, it's for me. Life is short. I just don't want to hide my feelings, it's not worth it. It's useless and hurtful and pointless.

"Because if you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared. You know that," I said.

Jackson

I can see she knows how clueless I'm right know, as her face is starting to seem angry.

"Why are you here? You shouldn't be," she said

One second she is telling she loves me and the next she's attacking me. She startles me every time. It's like a rollercoaster of feelings and I don't know how to keep up with her.

"I was worried," I told her.

And before I can say anything more, she strikes again.

"I can promise you I've never been better. You don't need to be worried. If it's easier for you as it was easier for me, we can continue our relationship as it has been for the last seven months. We were good at it."

I'm a mess right now. I have no idea what's going on.

"At what?" I asked.

"I was good at concealing my feelings and you were good at not caring. We were the perfect parents yet the perfect strangers. We didn't care about our lives, we just cared about Harriet's. We weren't even a shadow of what we had."

Is this the second stage of grief talking? I don't know how I made her this angry. We are better than this, I know we can find our way back to each other. We are each other's person. I couldn't let her go through this alone. I just never imagined that it would go like this.

"I wasn't expecting this," I said.

"I wasn't expecting you to be here. But tell me what did you expected to find?"

"I didn't know how you would be grieving for your lost. I was worried about you. Worried that you would lose God again and you'd realize this time that when He wasn't there, I wasn't either."

"Oh… I'm sorry I worried you. I'm still in good terms with God. I still remembered everything I learned from every crisis I had. I'm glad for everything I learned over the years. And over the last seven months too. I'm happy I was there for Matthew. It wasn't a burden for me. We were at peace with each other. We were very happy. He was nothing like people assumed. I loved him very much, I still do."

And now she's the one with no words or so it seems. And I don't know how to complete the puzzle of what is going on here yet.

"So?" I asked.

April

How do I answer that question? He has missed a lot to fill all the gaps. We weren't getting anywhere.

"It's a long story. You haven't heard a lot from me. Anything at all, actually. I'm going home right now. If you still want to know, you can come with me, if not, it's ok. I'm really fine, I'm going to miss him, but I know he's in a better place, he's not suffering anymore. He's with Karin, looking after us with Samuel. We will meet again, it's just a matter of time," I said.

He was staring at me. I didn't know if he had somewhere else to be and it was getting late.

"So do you have time?" I asked.

Apparently he had time, he came with me. I specifically didn't ask about Maggie. I love Maggie, I know we'd be friends if she was just Harriet's auntie. But she's more than that. And even though she saved me last time, I don't want to know anything about THEM. I guess it's my way of preserving the memory of US. Not my best attitude, I know. I even had to leave my job. It wasn't hard leaving that place. Leaving the people was the hard part. But it wasn't that hard either. For a long time, I had the feeling that the only friends I had there were Arizona, Owen and him. Ben had already left and Arizona was obviously leaving for New York, as she did. Of course we are still best friends with the two of them. And we continue to be best friends with Owen too, that's why he's having Ruby and Harriet tonight.

We didn't talk at all going home. But it wasn't awkward, at least for me. I stopped at the door of my house, our home with Matthew. This day has been the weirdest somehow.

"This is the first time I'm entering this house as a widow," I said.

"I never thought you'd be a widow."

"I never thought I'd be a divorcee."

"Touché."

And we laughed at the same time, synchronizing as always. We still have that I guess.

"I never invited you here. This is Harriet's home with me. This is the house of the photos. Here we made a lot of happy memories, the four of us."

I catch him staring at my smile and for the first time I'm not sure I did the right thing bringing him here. I'd still leave anyone at the altar for him. Yes, he still has that power over me. I just know he wouldn't use it. And that doesn't hurt as much as I though it will. I'm happy for him and I'm also on a happy place, not the perfect place but a happy one.

"Do you want to drink something? I'm going to have tea but feel free to pour yourself something stronger."

He made a face. I know where he was going.

"Yes, you need to congratulate me, but not for what you thing. After what happened when I was having my crisis of faith, I decided to stop drinking. And yes, the family is expanding but no, I'm not pregnant. So relax your face. The two weeks you'd having Harriet next month, I will be travelling to adopt Kamal. Everything is arranged. Riggs is with him right now. I couldn't be at both sides at the same time and he did me this favor. Matthew was very supportive with this. I'm just sorry Kamal won't be able to meet him."

I guess he didn't expect that either.

Jackson

How does she do that? How amazing can she be? I never deserved her. I could never keep up with her level of amazing.

"You keep surprising me. I just lost the count of how many times you have done that just today," I said.

"I'm having my big family. Not as expected, not the perfect one, but a very real and happy one. I told you a lot has happened."

I just wished she counted me in. I just wished I was there for her when everything was happening. I lost a lot.

"Congratulations, April! I'm really happy for you, and for Kamal, and of course for Harriet and Ruby. Your family will really be a really happy family of four. I have no doubts. You deserve it."

"And the nanny, don't forget the nanny, she's the key on all this or I'd be leaving to the farm where you'd have to visit Harriet. You do know that you'll always be my family, no matter how apart we are."

She said that and somehow the distance shortens.

"I'm not moving to the farm, that's not the kind of distance I'm talking about," she said.

"I know that. You'll always be my family. What else did I missed? What has been of your life this months?" I asked.

"How do I start? … We had a thing with Matthew. We sat on the floor back to back at night when the kids were sleeping and we talked, without facing each other and we could talk about anything without being afraid of being judged or criticized. It was our own kind of confessionary, I guess. We had no secrets. It started before the wedding. It leaded to wedding somehow. Would you do it for me?"

And I did, I don't think I could say no to her. We were on the floor sitting back to back and it felt the closer we have been in I don't know how much time.

April

I felt comfortable talking to Matthew about everything. And I'm thinking how funny it is that Matthew always seems to be the way back to Jackson. I know wherever he is, he's laughing at my thoughts.

"After one of our journeys on the road together, we arrived home and the kids were sleeping. He stayed and the tradition started. He told me two big secrets that night, and I'm very glad that he trusted me with them. One of them it's not a secret anymore. He was sick. He knew it before Karin's death. Yet the one having the crisis of faith after her death was me. Ironic, right? How much has he been through and he knew better. I will trust the other secret to you, but you know, this is like a confession and it can't leave here. Not even Matthew's family knows. And he never told Karin. He just knew she knew. So you can't tell anyone about this," I said.

"I won't."

"He was gay. He told me he found out after he was married. He believed in marriage and he was very happy with Karin, considering everything. He was in love with someone else but he never give it a chance. He never told me who he was and as he used to mess with me a lot, I could not help but being the one messing with him whenever I had the chance. So one time I made a really serious face and asked him if it was you. He laughed a lot, or maybe it was just me. We had so much fun together. How healing laughter can be… Did you stopped breathing? I guess it's still only funny for me."

And I could not help but laugh. I sighted as I was getting to the sad part of the story.

"The thing is he was dying and there was at least one person who he wished knew everything about him. That was Ruby. But Ruby is too small to understand anything yet. I suggested him to write her everything he wanted in letters and I promised that I'd find her to give her them. I thought I was having a great idea but he had already written a lot of letters to her, he just didn't know how to ask me to deliver them later. "It's like you are reading my mind" he said and we were laughing again."

Jackson kept listening without saying anything, I thought it was good we weren't facing each other, but I was having my doubts.

"He talked to me about how he loved his family but yet he didn't feel comfortable being himself around them. Considering he was dying, he said he was happy he at least had one person with who he was comfortable being himself. He was talking about me. And then he told me his worries about dying. Of course the only thing that worried him was Ruby. She had already lost her mommy and she was going to lose her daddy at a very young age. You don't know how many things from Karin and Matthew we had prepared for her. It was a nice journey. We made a lot of happy memories for all of us. So when he told me his worries about Ruby, I told him I'd take care of her, I told him I could adopt her. We could be a family. The thing is in a way we already were one. And it felt perfect to me back them. Of course he said he couldn't asked me to do something like that even though he knew I loved Ruby so much. We had been being friends for some time by then and so I told him something he'd understand. I told him he should know how much happy it would make me to take 1/60 of his pain away. It's something from the time I took care of Eli, I know you remember him. And Matthew did that for me, he let me do it. And I couldn't be more grateful for that. He wasn't sure his family will be happy with him leaving Ruby to my care and he was afraid of a custody battle. I told him we should marry. I guess you can imagine the rest by know."

The only answer I got was silence.

Jackson

I felt like I was dreaming, everything was so surreal to me. So much to process in so little time. At the same time this weird night started to make sense.

"The thing I told you in the church was also something we talked about with Matthew back to back. We talked a lot about my feelings for you and how I felt about you and Maggie. I supposed that made it easier for him to agree to all of this. He would had never do anything to make me unhappy. He already knew by then that I really needed to be some time away from you, you who were really starting to make over your life without me, unless not in the way I wanted to be in your life. I wasn't ready at all for it. Of course I always pray for you two and your happiness. I want the best for you, I just didn't want to know the details. It will not be the first time I disappoint you, I guess. But I can't be a good mother to Harriet if I'm miserable. I'm not making it about Harriet, I'm not ashamed of choosing my wellbeing, it's not the first time and it won't be the last time I do so. I wouldn't have been a good friend for you if I had stayed really in touch with you," she said.

I was such an asshole. I was disappointed at me. How did I not notice?

"Thank you for trusting me with Matthew's secret and your feelings. I'm happy Matthew was there for you all this time I wasn't. You weren't the only one that stayed away."

And even if we were back to back, I could feel her smile as she said "I hope better for our future. I know we deserved better. After talking all night about me, I guess it's time for me to be the one listening. Please tell me about Maggie too. Maybe this can be the beginning of our friendship healing. Don't be worried about hurting me, I'm in a healthier place now."

Friendship. Family. Love. Everything. I don't know how, when she said she loved me, I thought she knew a lot more of what was going on with my life than I did know about hers.

"How much Owen told you?" I asked.

"I know only the work related stuff, awards, researches, surgeries. I asked him to keep the personal details from me. What was the point of us being distant if I was hearing everything from Owen? I am lucky Harriet is just saying her first words I guess. I wouldn't have been able to tell her not to talk me about you. I couldn't be that mean."

I couldn't help myself. "So you know about my work?" I asked her.

"Stop being so stupidly proud of yourself," she told me.

The way she answered made me feel home.

"You haven't been doing exactly bad either. Of course you had to tell Catherine not to consider you for an award even when she told you there was no conflict of interests…"

And even though I couldn't see her face, "Don't make that face," I said.

"You don't know what face I'm making. Please! Considering the relationship I was having with you, you couldn't possibly thought that I was at a better place with your mom. The only award I wish I won it would be from the Cristina Yang Foundation."

"What? Have you been talking to Cristina?"

"No. I just know it will eventually happen, she will make it there in no time."

And then an awkward silence filled the room.

"I just didn't know that all this time, besides your work, there were that much things going on with your life," I said.

"There's a reason the nanny is part of the family too. She's the best and she knows it. If she isn't taking care of Ruby and Harriet right know is cause she is obviously mourning too. You can meet her tomorrow. Be ready if she stares at you like a fool. I've once found her doing that face at a photo of you and Harriet. I don't know what the real you could do to her. You do that to women."

April

He was doing that to me. I love how it feels to be near him, how good he smells, how comfortable his back can be, how warm it feels. So what was I saying?

"Don't elude the question. I was serious when I told you to tell me about you. And Maggie," I said.

"I don't know if Owen told you about Maggie."

"Owen knew better than that, because I taught him better, of course. I was very clear to him, as I was to Arizona."

Somehow it came out of my mouth as if I was proud of how jealous I was, when it was clearly embarrassing.

"She went last month overseas for a military surgical training program and she's doing great. I guess that this past few months that you were having a hard yet happy time, I was just focused on the job … and Harriet, of course."

I was listening silently expecting him to continue talking, but scared of what he could possibly say next.

"Maggie left me six months ago, ironically it kind of ended like it started. She told me I was in love with you. Can you believe it?"

I stopped breathing. I didn't expect that at all. I guess this is how Jackson had been feeling all night. I talked a lot but right now there were no words coming to my mouth when I needed them.

Jackson suddenly moved, I supposed he wanted to see my face considering I was in shock. I didn't knew I was laying so much on his back until I found myself on the floor the moment that he moved.

Jackson

Yes, Maggie left me. I am always the last one to figure out my feelings. Hearing the true from Maggie really hit me hard. I can still feel it like it was yesterday, her slapping hand didn't hurt at all compared to her words

"How could you be that idiot? Hurting her, hurting you and hurting me, when you could have lived happily with her after Montana? Do your feelings hurt you that much that you won't dear to acknowledge them? God, I can't believe how angry I am. It's not even me the one that lost the love of her life! I could hit you all night but reality will hit you harder. She's with Matthew now. Let that sink in," she told me.

And she left closing the door at my face. Then she went back in, telling me to leave, she was the one that lived there. Angry Maggie is scary. And I could feel the ground moving as her words started to sink in. Just as the ground moved for April when I suddenly stood up to face her.

I don't know why I moved so suddenly but I couldn't stand to be back to back, when all I wanted was to face her and tell her everything about my feelings. She hit the floor and was staring at the ceiling. I looked at her with a worried face but she finally looked back at me. It was like we were melting in each other's eyes, like time has not passed since we were happily married. The air changed in the room. I was getting closer to her when she just started laughing out loud. I had to ask "What's so funny?"

"It's just that I never thought I could do anything that would make Matthew's parents hate me more. I'm awful."

April

I bet Matthew was laughing too. This morning I couldn't have imagined that I would be laughing this hard on this particular day of all days.

And the next thing I know Jackson is laughing too. We ended up together in the floor kissing and laughing like mad people. And we continued doing that until everything that used to be broken felt fixed.

We ended up in my bed, in my bedroom. I know he stared at our wedding photo as he entered in the room. With him it always feels right. No matter how much time passes, how angry or broken we are, we'll always end in each other's arms right were we belong.

…

The next morning I waked up fearing it was all a dream. It wasn't and I felt guilty for Matthew, until I remember the letter. I went to get it and I did. I also found Jackson in the kitchen. He's so very much perfect. I could stare at him all day. And hear him all day. Did I mention he was singing? Shame on me, I was already biting my lip.

"I don't know how awkward it's going to be, but I have something for you, not from me but from Matthew. This envelope with your name that came inside of an envelope with my name. The only thing my envelope had inside was your envelope. I was really angry yesterday thinking what the hell Matthew was thinking when he gave me this. I supposed I'd have to find you to give it to you, yet you were the one that came to me. Anyways, this is yours and whatever he prepared for you I had nothing to do with it," I said.

Jackson's face was the best, I suppose I made a similar face when I found his envelope. I was as much worried as I was curious to know what did Matthew left for Jackson. You never knew with Matthew. He was a Pandora's Box.

He opened it and took what I supposed was a letter, and Jackson turned suddenly white. Matthew, what the hell? I took the letter from Jackson's hands. I couldn't believe what I was reading. How did he do that? I did not know how to react and I started laughing, it was not like last night, it was a nervous laugh.

It was Matthew's handwriting. This was what it said

"Just in case you were wondering, have no doubts, the baby is yours. If it's a boy, don't name him after me.

P.S. April have you picture yourself explaining this to my parents? Sorry I won't be there to help you. Love you."

Yes, Matthew is definitely laughing at my face right now. And at Jackson's.

"Is it happening?" He asked like I could possibly answer. I avoided the question and asked him "Are we having waffles? It's Sunday."