Abby looks up at the clock on the wall and releases a sigh to the nearly empty room.
"Anything the matter?" Even after two weeks Jackson is still timid around her, replaying his role in the events especially the one with her and Raven over and over in his head. If not for the fact his expertise as a doctor was needed Abby suspects he'd never be in the same room as her. Despite her gentle encouragement that she wasn't upset. She didn't blame him. Still it is eyes down, muttering, and keeping far away as he could manage with still doing his job.
"No, not really. Marcus promised he'd come by to check his stitches. I'm guessing he forgot?" She says the last word with a bite of sarcasm. Marcus too much like Jackson was avoiding her whenever possible; and succeeding much better. Since returning to Arkadia six days ago Abby had only seen him once; for not even a minute. Passing by the makeshift planning room where he sat around the table along side Clarke, Raven, and Indra reading over some maps. Abby gently interrupted them to remind him the stitches she put in at Polis would need looked at. He gave a quick fine he'd stop by medical before the end of the day.
With Marcus his avoidance of Abby is deeper, more personal. Not just the kiss Abby had been forced to give him in an attempt the sus out where Clarke was. It was also his twenty foot cement barrier collapsing and him landing in her embrace. Marcus Kane never showed emotion. Now that he had he was ashamed.
The blow which Clarke left hadn't helped either. He immediately snapped into fixing this, promising to do anything to survive mindset. Personal feelings and interactions couldn't matter to him. Abby hated to think it, but he was unevolving into Marcus Kane she knew and could hardly tolerate from the Ark.
"I can try to find him if you want." Jackson volunteers already preparing a few needed supplies. Though he allowed little conversation to pass between them he knew Marcus was a uncomfortable subject for her.
"Thank you Jackson but no. I got this." He nods and hands her the medical bag as she passes out of the bay. Once in the hallway Abby is conflicted in trying to determine if he would be in his office or his personal quarters. She knew with her small stint as chancellor she was far more likely to be in the office or doing some official duty for someone or thing. His work ethic was stronger. Now with the focus on the AI's prophecy left an urgency in him. She never faced such a nightmare situation. Jaha had. Abby also didn't want think of where that lead him. Still a voice within her said to turn left to his quarters.
She considers knocking for a second upon arriving at his door. Instead she just slowly turns the handle pushing it open. The room is dark the only light available is the source she's providing from the hallway. Abby spots him. On the bed, fully dressed and asleep. She smirks. She understood that just as much. She almost turns leaving him there unwilling or unwanting to disturb him. Eyes drift to his wrists and dirty bandages. Earlier in the day when they exchanged those few words he had them underneath the table out of view. If deliberate or not she wasn't sure. Now she's almost positive he knew damn well what he was doing. Anger seizes through her. Marcus Kane wasn't an idiot. Even a child could tell these needed changed and looked into. Pride broken or not.
Abby pushes the door closed while switching on the light and stands there arms crossed waiting for him to wake up. It doesn't take long.
"Abby? What?" His voice is drowsy as he sits up blinking.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She wanted to yell; in its place hardly what would be called a whisper. Before he can react or even say anything she is on the bed next to him grabbing the first hand she could and pulling it towards her. His first instinct to yank it away. She won't let him.
"I'm fine." Marcus mumbles.
"You're not a doctor.' Abby unwraps the stained bandage from the right wrist. As she suspected he popped the stitches. By the looks of its few days ago. And with the loose fitting of the bandage it had started to get infected. 'Oh Marcus."
"I'm fine." He repeats though the confidence is lacking.
"You should have said something. I should have been a better doctor and dragged your ass to medical. And if you didn't want to see me Jackson could've helped you. Hell even John Murphy." Its her turn to mumble.
"Don't blame yourself for my demons." For the first time since awakening him she looks up to his eyes and holds it there for a seconds before he breaks. Without being asked he begins to unveil the left wrist from its cloth covering.
"Marcus."
"I did mean to stop by like I promised but I…"
"Marcus." She cuts him off.
"What?"
"I know you think you deserve pain for what you did. That you think this will serve as a penance for those actions. But Marcus? You don't need to hold onto these demons. You did nothing wrong." Abby looks up again. His eyes are watering up.
"Abby I…" The first tears fall.
"Its ok. Your okay." She rubs his arm not wanting to risk more.
"I'm sorry." She knows the list of what he was sorry for was a mile long. The majority he had no reason to apologize for. His falls into her shoulder as the sobs increase.
"Let it out Marcus."
"I tried to be stro…"
"You don't always have to be strong Marcus. That makes the fall even harder.' He nods. 'I just want you to be safe. I can't lose you." This time a few tears if her own fall.
"Abby I'm scared. What if we made it this far, gave up so much, so fucking much, and for what? To have the air choke us to death for the sins of those generations before us. No matter how hard we push forward for our spot we always get repelled back even further."
"We just keep going. We hold onto hope." Marcus lifts his head and looks up at her a soft gentle smile on his lips.
"I want to. But hope won't keep us alive."
"No. Neither will becoming locked up within ourselves pushing away everyone. Much as you don't deserve this physical pain you too need to release this emotional pain. You are allowed to talk to me. Unless…"
"Wait Abby no." There is a desperation in his voice.
"I keep telling myself it's not personal. You're busy. Hell I've been busy too. But Marcus it's been six days since we returned. And you haven't come to see me once. Not to say in Polis you were attached to my hip. But there you acknowledged me." Abby knew the difference between Polis and Arkadia laid in the fact they had a common goal to escape, mend the broken pieces that were stacked up to their knees, and all within very tight quarters. Here at home he had the room to run in every way possible to run.
"I want to keep us alive. I want to keep you safe. And if that means I end up missing a few days without you I'll do it." Abby sighs.
"Marcus. I love you. And if we are to die in half a years time I don't want to lay awake at night thinking of the what-ifs but rather relishing on new memories. I want to create new memories with you." He says nothing only staring at her head cocked slightly.
"What?" She could hardly hear him.
"Yeah?"
"You love me?" She doesn't mean to but bursts out laughing.
"Yes. God of course I do. And I thought you knew?" Marcus shrugs.
"Yeah I guess I did. But you never said it…"
"I love you Marcus Kane. I love you Marcus Kane. I love you Marcus Kane. Do you need to hear it again?' He shakes his head. 'And also I think you are a strong, sacrificing man who gives up so much for us. But you need to stop and slow down sometimes. Do you understand me?" He this time nods his head.
"I love you as well. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. I'm serious. I'm sick of that word. Just promise me while you're trying to hold up our future you don't forget about the present. Actually first these hands. Really Marcus what were you thinking?"
"Does it really matter?"
"I guess not. Come over the desk so I can tend to them.' She smirks at his boyish groan. 'You'll be fine."
"Yeah I'm pretty sure nothing will compete with the pain that caused them.' She cowers back and he gasps realizing what he had said. 'Oh my God Abby I didn't mean that! I'm so so…"
"I swear to god if you say sorry one more time I will smoother you with that damn pillow. "
"I really didn't mean to say that."
"But it's true. You don't have to pretend it didn't happen. As you said we both have demons circling around us. This' She gently rubs the area around the infection on his right wrist 'is one of mine. Now come on let's get them taken care of." Abby stands up and takes a few steps to the chair pulled out from the desk and waits for him to claim it. Once he does they allow silence to blanket them as she cleans up the wounds on both, resutures them, and blesses with new bandages.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Though you're an idiot for letting it get this bad." He nods sheepishly.
"Abby I don't have anything on my roster until the morning."
"Ok."
"I was thinking of getting some more sleep."
"Good. You need it." Though hadn't seen him in six days she is aware of things and his lack of real sleep was atop of those things. The main reason she had almost left him to be when arriving.
"And I'd love it if you stayed. Unless you…"
"I'd love it. I think Jackson and John can handle medical tonight."
"John Murphy huh? How's he doing?"
"Quite good. He reminds me a bit of you. Tough. Emotionally blocked. But waiting for someone to tell him it's ok. It won't be easy but I'll make sure he always as somewhere to land. You too Marcus. Now come on. Speaking of sleep I'm exhausted."