The Tale of Mr. Fuzzybottoms
So one day, this sailor walked into a beauty parlor- I bet you already know where I'm going with this. He looked around and saw twenty chairs with twenty orangutans (yes, the orangutans are back.) getting their hair done. In a fit of confusion, he transformed into a female donkey and heehawed all around the parlor. At that exact time, Mrs. Santa came from the back to check on the elf beauticians, who I forgot to mention earlier. Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Jet Lee, Arnold Shwarchineger, Sylvester Stallone, and Tom Cruise then dropped from the ceiling and began dancing the electric boogaloo.
Again the sailing donkey transformed, but this time into a winged wingless bat. He flew away from the ruckus and heaved these last words,
"Archa Cha !
Give me four cases of snozzberry icecream and I'll tell you a secret,
A secret of all secrets,
A secret so secret it has its own secrets.
It is time for me to excrete this secret,
This secret I will excrete.
Long ago, in a valley of shiny turtles,
There lived a romantic penguin.
This penguin was unlike other romantic penguins,
He had a style even Rosie O'Donnel couldn't compete with.
You can just see him there.
A rose color spandex top and a pair of the finest Striped Gwanky Uklehimer pants.
He was conductor of the fashion train.
His life was subtle.
He would lounge in the frosty sun of the shiny turtle valley,
Eating Dwuzzle berries and Iouaes leaves.
Even the neighboring animals couldn't find the time to harvest these Iouaes leaves.
But that's beside the point.
The secret I owe you for the four cases of snozzberry ice-cream is coming soon, just be patient.
Anyway, life couldn't get any better for this penguin.
But then one day, Dolly, the giant fruit fly, overtook the penguin and his fashion superiority.
She wandered into the valley wearing a glowing yellow top with mixed plaid patterns imbedded in it.
Even better was the spinning slacks she wore, which changed legs as she walked.
To top all this off,
Her clothes emitted a sweet odor that smelled something like this,
"Hiiizzzzeeeeeewwaaawwwww! Oooooshheeeeeeemmmmmuuuuuuuu!"
This put the penguin into a great depression.
He would hide himself in the Giggly trees,
Hoping to find the meaning of life.
This went on for weeks
And he yet had updated his fashion style.
But then one day,
It came to him.
The penguin had found a way to beat Dolly.
He worked day and night designing these new clothes.
For him, fashion was life,
Something new had to be done.
But how to top the odor emitting clothes
The penguin had to think hard.
Bingo!
Eatable clothing.
He strapped together the finest Dwuzzle berries and Iouaes leaves,
After putting together a colorful collection of nature's finest fruits,
He head out into the valley.
Dolly was turned away from him discussing with some other girls why elliptical geckoes were the best lovers.
He tapped her on the shoulder.
She turned slowly.
Upon the penguin coming in to her gaze,
She shrieked into silence.
The shriek was unlike anything you've ever heard,
".../';',# ?# $.5;,L&" ;'.;'."
Dolly shrank into the ground and flew away.
The penguin stepped back prideful.
He was again the conductor of the fashion train.
So now in the valley of the shiny turtles,
this penguin can be found
With a grin the shape of a banana on his face,
Stem and all.
He still lies out in the frosty sun,
Eating Dwuzzle berries and Iouaes leaves.
But now he has something new in his head.
And that brings us to the moral of this story,
Which is also the secret I promised you.
-People can go far in life as long as they keep their burritos within plastic wrap and their chex mix out of the morning glories.-
So that is the end of my story.
Go on with your life with that piece of knowledge in mind.
But remember,
One doesn't have to be the conductor of THE fashion train;
One can start his or her own railroad line.