You saw the clumsy speech and the casual fidgeting and the distractibility, the blurring disruptiveness of my existence and yet you never asked what it is that I see, being...
..."some kind of wild"
—
a one-shot
And their lips crashed with such precision that it tickled Gumball his father's shade of pink.
Gumball was a man of creativity, that when it came to things with precision, he got emotional hives. He'd experienced miracles of stupendous magnitude before, those few times where things fit and fell into proper place. But this was almost too much, it was so much, what a big thought it truly was, that he was conscious of simply being. He felt he had a body and it was very heavy. Like there was something living within it. Something growing. Himself? Every thought and sensation possible seemed to run throughout his head and chest like ribbons blowing in wind.
His heart seemed to rumble and crumble, aggressively pushing more and more into Penny's lips, things so prettily thin and sweet. They felt like meat and tasted like nothing but electricity. He knew anyone bold enough to kiss a girl at this age only made a little peck, an invisible dent of sweetness on the girl's cheek. Gumball was too nervous even for that, but this was what dwelled in his head. His head was a different story from what he did outside. No one knew Gumball's head but he supposed it made sense that he wasn't very tame with his thoughts, as he was almost unscrupulously untamed in his actions. Although most people perceived him as outrageous, including even his brother Darwin, Gumball wasn't so keen on telling anyone about how passionate he really felt towards Penny. He wanted to kiss her for forever, and how stupidly cheesy that sounded, but it was true. His untidy heart would just fall into his pelvis when they stopped, and his whole body would turn off and he'd start choking and spazzing and he would probably hold his chest and cry.
He looked up. There was a yellow post-it, in his sloppy script-like handwriting. Gumball had problems. Now he remembered them. And the kiss just almost seemed bittersweet.
He flung his soccer ball up at the wall, lazily fluttering his eyes open and close, his pupils seeming to pulsate like blinking lights. His breathing was slow and his stomach was empty. Maybe hunger was causing all this bodily weirdness.
He piled his action figures that he kept beside his pillow into a narrower space for them all, keeping them straight against each other, as he tossed his sheets back into the bed and trudged down the hall and then down the steps.
Gumball discovered that his mother had gone out to the grocery store. His father was still sleeping, probably. So he snuck into his parent's room and grabbed one of his pill bottles, nestled into pouches and cans of coins littered around the bedroom. Gumball inspected the tag, making sure it read ADDERALL and something about salts and once having done this, he slipped with his shoulders hunched and his feet sparking from inactivity through the door, out of the slumbering dimness. His father's snores reverberated like fairy lights swinging their light across the walls.
Baby Anais was awake and reading a peculiarly skinny book in her little pen beside the island. Gumball caught the title of "Candide." He scrunched his nose up in aloof amusement, eyeing her as he swayed into the kitchen and selected a glass and started to run the tap. He set the cup down and poured one of the blue pills into his hand.
He examined them mutely for a moment, leaning back and forth against the countertop. He bounced to no beat. That was what he did.
One half of the pill was completely colored turquoise. The other was see-through, like plastic, and full of what appeared similar to sharpener shavings. He'd done the deal before. He cocked his head back and placed the pill on the very back of his tongue, so it was nearing the abyss of his throat. Gumball snatched up the glass and swallowed it down. He rubbed his nose idly and then put the glass into the sink.
Darwin would be up soon. He would've been, if not for Gumball's daydreaming. He touched a hand to his throat. Gumball has problems and he is always reminded, even if he forgot for a while.
If Gumball were to have biological children someday, they might be as awesome as him. They might be as messed up as him, too. That was part of the awesomeness! That was part of the awesomeness! He spread out in the sunlight, pushing his legs straight and against his chest.
"Have you had any more dreams?" Darwin asked, removing his dreamy gaze from the sky.
"Yeah, actually." Gumball whispered lowly. "I imagined we were all at school and we were trapped inside so we threw a big party. And we talked about sports and video games and the school looked positively gothic."
"Wow!" Darwin glowed. "That sounds interesting...if not a little terrifying."
"Nothing compared to what we're used to," Gumball said. "It was a nice dream."
The clouds had split into tiny puffs. Gumball explained that the clouds had all come apart. He made monkey noises to express their ripping.
Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,
I didn't mean to upset you, honest I didn't know that I talked too much. I'm sorry I didn't fucking shut up. I knew something went wrong when you thought you so clandestinely went way ahead of me, talking on. Were you talking about me? And you left me behind just so you could? Ok maybe I didn't know something had went wrong. Don't you get it? I didn't fucking understand. A piece of my heart rotted and plummeted when you told me how I was "the worst" and what the teacher said to you-everything went fine except that one boy who wouldn't shut up. The teacher really said that huh? I didn't fucking understand. I didn't fucking understand. So fuck you, because I was trying my best to help you that day, so I'm sorry if my enthusiasm was too much for your pea brain to handle. Pardon me! But I'm not useless. I'm not useless. I'm not useless. Call me useless again and see what I fucking do to you. Because after years of unabashedly judgmental looks and moronic names, I'm fucking loaded with TNT. Useless, useless...useless...you're so useless...useless!..wait and see how I cream you. You were the worst, how could you not know better! Maybe you're not popular because people are timid about your mouth. Disruptive in class-active participation!-student needs to focus during instruction. Calm down! Control yourself. I am trying. I tried. I fail. Because I am useless useless useless. How about I shove that glue stick down your throat? How about I dig my claws into your scalp and give you all my pain. Don't believe it? You don't believe me? Yeah, get out of my face. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I won't cry over you ever again.
Maybe you should have shut up?
The eldest, he left Darwin in charge of Anais as he went to wandering around the store with his sore legs after his parents. Nicole was set on getting a proper bookshelf to house all of Anais's books and totems, so she'd taken the whole family along on a little insufferable trip to the mall's furniture store. Grand and plentiful, full of dinosaurs and safari plastics set around, the precocious Anais grumpily ordered to be allowed to inspect every thing that caught her interest. Gumball got restless hanging around the princess bed section, so he made a sly remark to Darwin and left him with the gushing two year old. Gumball'd be back, of course.
He patiently set off down the escalator, feeling dainty. He watched the salespeople chat boredly as they awaited a victim. Gumball saw his parents strolling up ahead, towards the recliners, and leapt over the last six robotic steps of the escalator. They were talking hushedly, excitedly, maybe anxiously?
"Mom, Dad!" Gumball called, twisting his head from side to side. "Can we go to the toy store after? I wanna see the new-"
"So we're meeting Doctor Anand in two weeks, and he says he wants to give the ADDERALL more time to rest before we up the dosage. I don't know though, Richard. I don't think it's working. We might have to change it.
"As for Gumball," she continued, "I don't know how much improvement he's been noticing."
"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be ok, Nicole. Don't worry about it," Richard patted her shoulder.
"What are we switching out?" Gasped Gumball haughtily. "Why do I need more!"
Nicole and Richard whipped around, Nicole jumping a little in her nervous way. "Oh, honey! I thought you were with your siblings!"
"They're chilling in the bed section." Gumball answered fast.
"Oh..."
"Now what about the meds! What about the meds! What were you saying?" He bounced gently in anticipation.
"Your father and I were discussing how Doctor Anand wants to change your tablet pills, and how we think we should change the stimulants, too."
"But I've only had them three weeks!"
"Gumball, sweetie, they're supposed to set in on the first day." She clutched Gumball's arm and pulled him along, pushing his slightly agape jaw closed. "It's no big deal, sweetie! He gave you the smallest dosage possible, and now that we know how it works with your body, we think it might be right to up the dosage...to get actual effects."
"Why?" Gumball's stubby eyebrows arched.
"Well, have we seen any progress..?"
"I...well," Gumball twiddled his thumbs. "I guess not."
"So it makes sense..." She curled her fingers dotingly through his bits of ruffled hair. "It won't be a huge increase in size, Gumball."
"Ack..." Gumball's eyelids dropped, and his upper lips smacked to his bottom ones. He gave a sigh like a whistle. "Okay, Mom..sorry for freaking out."
"It's alright. Were you saying something before?"
"Oh. Yeah." Gumball blinked a couple of times. "Darwin and I want to know if we can go to the toy store after you guys are done." His hands flapped.
"Why are you flapping your arms like that? It's making me anxious..."
"I'm sorry, I can't control it." Gumball gulped, twisting his arm behind his back and snapping his other hand's pointer finger and thumb over his wrist and pushing."So can we go to the toy store?"
"Sure, honey, sure. Go get your siblings, we've just been waiting for the man to bring the dolly to the car."
"Okay!" And Gumball, awkwardly, sped off back to the princess section.
His heart felt too big. Too heavy. He felt unusually tired, and unusually dark. Like he was coated in smoke. Gumball watched the grass curve in the breeze. Gloomily he watched nothing but what stuff lay out the windowsill. His feet were killing him from the inactivity and activity that wasn't enough, and playing with his fingers and adjusting his position wasn't working. It made him feel so weird, sitting all sloppily in his desk, moving here and there in the span of seconds. He squinted at the words scrawled on the sheet of paper sprawled out onto his desk. It was all gibberish to him. He could hear it in his ears. Jabber. Blah, blah, blah. This was almost as bad as math. Tears burned in his eyes. Whatisthiswhatisthiswharisthis it seemed so simple and it was but something about it was overwhelming his brain and he couldn't just settle down and he didn't want to do this dumb worksheet. It is so boring! He groaned angrily. He tapped his fingers violently against the desk. He curled them tensely around the silver legs of the desk. He stomped his feet. He adjusted his position- criss-cross apple sauce, to one leg down and the other erect. Repetitive leg shaking now. He glanced down at his notebook weakly. It really was all a blur. He wanted to slam his head against the desk and see and feel his brain leak out like yolk. Moving usually helped him to focus a little but he was getting so angry so easily today...which stunk because sometimes class was actually real nice and he sang on and on and on.
His classmates were talking. Stop fucking talking. Shut the fuck up. Holy shit shut the fuck up. Shut up. Shut up. My damn head. I can't. I can't...
"Je fais...Je fais..." Darwin pushed his head into his fin. "Elle...fait, tus fais. French is so odd."
"Je marche comme un singe!" Blurted Gumball, rolling his head over his desk. Miss Simian whipped her head around to glare at him, baring her teeth. I walk like a monkey!
"Saluuut! Je suis Lucy! Je marche comme un singe!" Gumball pushed his feet together. He pushed at his nipples, making flopping breasts with his hands. "Oh wait. I am a monkey." Gumball giggled into his hands, spit escaping past his frowning lips.
"Out, Watterson!"
He clicked his tongue and smugly hopped out of his desk.
"Penny, would you read the next one?" Miss Simian slurped her coffee. Penny began.
"Alright son. These are the new meds." In his big pink thumbs he held a singular navy pill. "Remember the rules. Do not take anything without checking the label. Remember these pills are super blue. Blueberry blue."
"Okay."
"I'll leave them on the table; don't forget to take them before school, okay son?"
"Okay..."
I run on meds now.
How many meds did he have now? There was the salmon one he crushed and sprinkled in water, there was the white and green capsule, then the blueberry capsule, then the two vitamins that came in grape, orange, or...cherry. The vitamins and blueberry capsule were for the morning. The other capsule and the salmon pill were for nighttime. Right before bed. They were for his moods. The blueberry for school. The vitamins for physical heath. They acted as the fruits he refused to eat.
What would happen if I forgot them all, huh?
He flipped his hat playfully onto his head, as the doorbell rung, signaling a customer. Gumball urbanely arched his neck to see who it was.
"Hey man."
"Oh, hey Tobias."
"Ok so one espresso? They've been my fuel since I went to Italy back in August."
Gumball hummed politely, nodding as Tobias babbled on about his wealth and how sophomore year was treating him. He was almost done when Tobias brandished a magazine. The espresso almost spilled over the cup as Gumball shook in surprise.
"Mom and Dad dragged Rachael and I antique shopping yesterday," Tobias said. "And guess what I found in the corner behind some lousy mirrors?"
"What?" Gumball asked, capping the cup.
"Playboy! The classic gentleman's magazine. I got a shit ton."
"Awe, sweet!"
"Look at this!" Tobias leaned over the counter excitedly, flicking through pages of articles and models before reaching the centerfold, and turning it for Gumball to see. "Man. Look at her."
"Don't need to tell me twice," Laughed Gumball lightly, as the bell above the door rung again. Tobias asked him if he was hard, but he saw Felicity Parham approaching with her snob pearls and purse.
"How can I help you?" Tobias stepped aside, sipping his espresso.
"I'd like the strawberry drink, please. Light on the ice. You're thieves."
Gumball broke out into a smile. "Coming right up!"
"Hey, G-ball," Gumball was swatted with the magazine. He flinched, his hands screaming, his shoulder twitched. He blinked profusely. "Think I could get a chocolate croissant?"
"Yeah, man. Just try not to hit me like that."
"What're you, autistic now?"
"Uh!" Felicity Parham covered her mouth with her hands disapprovingly. Wow. My arm...
"Autistic?"
"Well they have that sensitivity thing don't they?"
Gumball inhaled gently. "I'm not autistic. It's because of...something else..."
Do I tell him I'm-
"I shouldn't have told you. Mom says this stuff is personal, and it's no one's business."
"Oh...so Miss Simian doesn't know?"
It was reading time during Language Arts class. Penny and Gumball were together, Darwin watching them amusedly out of the corner of his eye. He was proud of Gumball, even if him having started this conversation was an accident.
Gumball cocked his head back. "Never in a million years! My mom would hate that."
"...How do you feel about it?"
"Penny, you know I don't care about school."
"I think you're just afraid to, Gumball."
"I'm not afraid of anything."
"Gumball, you can't even look at me." Penny poked her sweet head out from behind the gargantuan test folders they had propped up over their desks to separate themselves. "Why can't you?"
"I...well..." Gumball blushed. At least Penny couldn't see this. "It's easier. I'm not afraid. I'm just...trying to be as cozy as possible."
"I think you're afraid," Penny declared. "I think you're afraid to fail so then you just do. I think you 'failed' a lot and just gave up. You tried and stuff didn't go how it was 'supposed' to. So you don't try anymore.
You're very smart, Gumball. And even if you're not the school type, you could still try and do your homework..."
"You think I'm smart?" Blurted Gumball.
She answered calmly.
"Of course. You think outside the box. Maybe you take more time to get things right, but that shows strength." Penny said. "You like to rush so when you take it slow you're really trying. I know we haven't known each other very long, but I think that you're special, Gumball."
"Special's a word for it!"
"Don't take it like that..."
"Sorry. I'm just..." He peeked over his folder, then immediately went back into hiding. "Thanks."
Penny returned her eyes to her book. "Anytime."
Gumball swiped his cellular data on. Summer school he didn't need. It'll help you learn what you barely did. He passed with a D. Least he passed.
11:30 to 2:30, two five minute breaks through those three hours of algebra. He had a gazillion belongings with him, compared to the others. He had a folder, two notebooks, a pen and pencil and eraser. His student ID. No one carried that around. He had his phone, too. He was on it right now, in the back of the room, not like the teacher cared. He indulged group chats and enjoyed the swagger of shamelessly texting in class. See how much I care.
Abruptly, one of the shorter boys in class leapt from his chair. Somehow, his desk had fallen over and Gumball hadn't heard it. He was yelling powerfully, his eyes seemed teary from where Gumball could see. His mouth made a big oval and he looked out the window vehemently. And then the teacher, whatever his name was, bent down to help pick up his papers and the desk. The boy calmly got settled again. Mr. Nyhuis said "Okay..."
It happened again after that. Yes it frazzled Gumball. He couldn't recognize the boy. Was he new? Classes had started last Tuesday and this was the first time something had ever happened.
Gumball closed his eyes, breathing hard, and miraculously remaining still. Other people in class fidgeted but they stopped after a while. Gumball pretty much did not stop ever. Unless something really tired him out, and even then. His head raced while his legs or hands rested.
Everyone in this class is so understanding. They're all nice. They say "Bless you" and are polite. They don't gawk at people who are different. They don't at the boy who screams, they don't at the transgender boy Felix. Why do I feel so different? Why is there still some unsettling chill in the air? Why is this hanging over my head? I'm fucked up in the head...
He couldn't see the board and didn't care anymore. He played on his phone, his legs under his desk and going crazy as ever. I give no fucking shits. That's who I've become. Tch.
5-3-2011
Do these things even work...? All they seem to do is keep me up at night. I love sleeping. I go to bed in the mornings now. If I'm lucky I go to bed sometime before 12 but much after 11. No tummy ache! No headache. No loss of appetite. We switched from ADDERALL to some other stimulant. No bad effects except the sleep thing. No good effects either. I still wake up in the morning. When are we going to get me a proper dosage? I haven't even been properly diagnosed even though the psychiatrist says he thinks I have it. I'm not gonna survive. I'm gonna watch tv.
darwin was here.
5-28-2011
Now we have 10mg. I have been officially diagnosed or whatever. Sleep is better. It was probably the other pill I have. Not feeling particularly remarkable or anything. Maybe we'll never know what's wrong with me. Appetite is so/so. I really need to try and put focus to the test, more than I ever have. I hope this works.
Gumball snatched his worksheet up, crossing his legs and bouncing up and down. Anais and Darwin around him: Darwin and Gumball working on homework for pre-algebra class, and Anais on geometry. He pulled on her hair a little, rolling around as she resisted his playfulness.
Swiftly printing his name and the date, Gumball watched as Darwin examined a problem and began his work with a sigh. "I wanna try and get this done before dinner, ok?"
Gumball laughed. "Pfft. I dunno how to do this." He leaned back, wiggling his feet in his slippers and drumming his long feline claws against the carpet.
"Here," Darwin said. "I'll help you when I'm done, ok?"
"Awe, thanks Bubblecheeks!" He patted Darwin on his head. Darwin swatted him away.
Gumball watched as Darwin and Anais did their work, their pensive, unmoving eyes. He looked at them as he scrolled aimlessly through his camera roll, something he did a lot because it made his fingers feel good. He on and off watched as they did each problem, and he chewed at his lip as he gazed in touched amazement, in utter awe of their body's stillness. All that moved were their right hands, neatly holding a pencil against white paper, while he lay there with his phone in his limp hands and a gazillion little objects surrounding him. So many objects. Tears pricked his diamond eyes as he put a hand to his mouth. I tried to be like you. I really tried. I really cried about it and I tried to listen. I tried. I watched the lessons, I did...I took my notes...I tried not to doodle...I tried...and I failed...again...and again...and again...bzzzzt...the dark cloud's descended. I feel kind of soulless. But looking at you guys...your successful work...makes me happier than you'll ever know. I want you to be everything I...I..could not...
"You're magicians!" He exclaimed.
"Hm?" Anais didn't turn from her paper. Darwin didn't budge either.
He leaned down to their papers, his vision blurring as he started blankly staring off into the white. Papercut. Satin white ribbon. White noise, what's that mean?
"You guys are incredible..."
Laid out on the grass, Gumball's noises crescendoed and then fizzled out, away, the little tongue clicking and raspberries unfurling in the humid summer air.
"I bet the clouds hate being all torn apart."
"I would too," said Darwin.
"I hate being all torn apart like I am." Gumball whispered timidly.
Darwin looked at him. "I don't think you are."
His brother sighed. Gumball's drowsy eyes looked away to the sky, as his feet collided incessantly against each other. His eyes glowed and then like his monkey noises, the light dwindled, but quick. He turned on his side, staring into the fabric of the towel beneath them. His energy poured out through his eyes as he whispered,
"I don't even know what I think anymore, dude."
Author's Note:
It's hard to say what this story is about. The story is supposed to detail a kind of depressive funk accompanying a childhood of ADHD, but also has traces of anxiety. Rather than discuss the hyperactive symptoms (which are mostly brief or are only implied), it discusses the inner experience. I wrote this with ADHD in mind, but ultimately my own battle with it (having gone undiagnosed) was tied with depression and anxiety, because I was shamed into miserable submission. So it's complicated, and I don't claim to be an expert.
Thanks for reading, and reviews are appreciated.