"We seem to realize things when it's too late to fix it... call them lessons learned"
("I loved you, Seth.")
He slumps against the wall, bare back sliding down the off-white paint as his knees finally buckle. He can feel the wall as it scratches and breaks his skin. It should sting, but there's nothing. He's numb and feels... feels like he's. Like he's weightless. He's there in person, of course, but his mind, his heart, his entire being… he's pretty sure he left those in the ring. Shattered into pieces and spread across the canvas. There's nobody to pick up the pieces now.
("I loved you, Seth.")
The feel of calloused fingers digging into his cheeks still lingers. His jaw tingles where wrist tape rubbed against his beard. He brings his hand up, his own fingers ghosting over all the places he was touched. A feeling of wanting and longing begins to settle in the pit of his stomach, a heavy weight in his heart.
("I loved you, Seth.")
The voice rings loud and clear, like a gunshot in an empty room. The sound reverberates, bouncing off the walls, before firing through him with force. It leaves a dull ache in his chest, and he suddenly like he's been pried open. Like… like there's something missing. He knows now. He knows now what that something is. What that something has been for weeks. And he hates himself. Hates himself for taking so long to realise. Hates himself for realising once they've passed the point of return. There's no going back now. No fixing things, no putting things right.
("I loved you, Seth.")
He tips his head back, vision clouding with tears. There's a lump in his throat that is swelling and suddenly it's hard to breathe, too hard to breathe, and he can't, he needs– God he needs him, he needs him more than ever but he can't have him and he's alone. All alone. A voice in the back of his mind is screaming at him, but it's so faint, so distant. Not like the second voice, crystal clear, leaving no room for doubt. His own. Saying the words he wishes he'd said before all this, before it was too late. The words he wishes he'd said before he threw everything he never knew he wanted away...
("I loved you, Seth.")
"I loved you too, Dean."