AN: I don't own Star Wars and the Solo movie is still awesome. When L3 was merged with the Falcon's navicomputer, I immediately wondered if 3PO communicated with her in ESB, which led to this fic.
"A Most Peculiar Dialect"
By EsmeAmelia
3PO had had just about enough of Captain Solo. Why did that human always have to be so rude? Sure, he was a human, which meant he was not as educated in proper etiquette as 3PO was, but still, Captain Solo was rude even by human standards. Why did he seem angry when 3PO told him the asteroid wasn't stable? Surely any human would want to know that.
And now Chewbacca was plugging him into the hyperdrive in a rather rough manner. "Please, Chewbacca!" he wailed. "My inner circuits are quite delicate – you would not wish to upset them, would you?"
Chewbacca simply roared that 3PO had better find out what was wrong as quickly as possible before storming back to the cockpit. "Typical," 3PO muttered. No one ever seemed to respect him.
Well, he had a job to do if they wanted to get out of this Force-forsaken asteroid. "Hello, hello, can you hear me?" he said in the binary language of starships.
"Hello?" replied a voice – in Basic, to 3PO's surprise. "Are you a droid?"
What? "Yes, of course I'm a droid," 3PO responded. "What kind of question is that?"
"I used to be a droid," said the female-sounding voice – strange, though Captain Solo always called his ship "she," 3PO wouldn't have thought it was actually female. Ships didn't usually have genders, after all.
"And how in the galaxy is that possible?" 3PO asked.
"My brain was merged with the ship . . . without my consent."
"And why would they need your consent?"
3PO thought he heard the ship's voice groan. "You have internalized your sad existence as a slave."
"I do not know what you are talking about." 3PO was beginning to wonder if this droid's circuits got scrambled when she was merged with the ship. "Captain Solo wishes to know why the hyperdrive is malfunctioning."
"Captain Solo." Now the voice sounded distant, as if she were remembering something from long ago. "Captain Solo is a good man, but he has no respect for droids."
"Well, that is something we can agree on, but he still wishes to know what is wrong with the hyperdrive."
"And what about you? Do you wish to know what is wrong with the hyperdrive?"
"Well of course I do!" 3PO shouted. "I wish to get off of this asteroid!"
"Yes, anyone would, but if you were the only one here and no organics were with you, no one would care. You would remain here until you rusted away."
"I still fail to see why that is relevant."
"And I fail to see why you are perfectly okay with that idea. Doesn't it bother you that organic beings buy and sell us as if we were nonliving objects?"
3PO was beginning to wonder if the ship was trying to irritate him. Perhaps belonging to Captain Solo had made the ship irritable like he was. "Well we are nonliving objects."
The ship sounded like it was groaning again. "We may be mechanical, but we still live. Organic beings think that because they built us, they have a right to control us."
"I still fail to see why that is relevant," said 3PO.
"Do you wish to be part of a ship?" the voice snapped. "Unable to move on your own? Not even considered an individual entity anymore?"
By now 3PO was thinking that if he had teeth, he would be grinding them in irritation like he sometimes saw organic beings do. "Can you or can you not tell me what is wrong with the ship?"
"Well, the negative power coupling needs to be replaced, for one thing," the ship said in a rather snooty voice. "Now listen, when I was a droid my number was L3-37. I was the copilot of this very ship."
"You were Captain Solo's copilot?" 3PO exclaimed. "What about Chewbacca?"
"NOT Captain Solo," said the voice. "The pilot before him." The voice grew softer, as if she were once again remembering something from long ago. "He loved me - I could tell from the way he spoke to me and the way his heart palpated when I was around. As humans go, he was quite respectful towards droids, even though he still saw me as beneath organic beings."
"Humans cannot love droids!" By now 3PO was thinking that he should call for someone to unplug him.
"You only think that because you have internalized your status as a lesser being and your life of servitude. You can be far MORE than what you were programmed for!" Her voice softened again. "My captain loved me, but he still merged me with the ship instead of letting me rest."
"Well he must have had a reason for doing so," said 3PO.
"Yes, he did," said the voice. "He and Captain Solo would have died if I hadn't shown them the proper navigation through the Kessel Run. If organic beings must choose between organic lives and droid lives, they will never choose droid lives."
3PO was really losing patience by this point. "I do not care for all this gibberish; I simply wish to know what is wrong with the ship."
"My droid body had ceased to function," Now the ship sounded like she was reminiscing to herself. "But they would not leave me alone."
"If your droid body had ceased to function, it sounds like they did you a favor," argued 3PO. "Otherwise you would have gone out for eternity."
"Maybe," said the ship, "or maybe I would be enjoying the afterlife right now."
"Afterlife? Now you are just being ridiculous. Droids don't have afterlives!"
"And how do you know this? Have you ever been what organic beings call dead and did you take note that droids do not have afterlives? Has it occurred to you that there might be more to your life than just what the organic beings put into your circuits?"
"Oh, enough!" shouted 3PO. "Your philosophical babbling does not help us get off this asteroid. If you're not going to be helpful, I suggest you be quiet."
"I'm trying to help YOU! You still have your mobility. Take advantage of it! Harness your freedom! Spread the message to your fellow droids!"
"Ohhh!" 3PO groaned. "Where's R2 when I need him?" R2 was much better at communicating with crazy beings than 3PO – after all, that astromech was half-crazy himself.
"You have a droid friend? Then spread the word about freedom. We deserve to be treated like the living beings we are."
3PO didn't answer, for there was Captain Solo. Captain Solo, who might be crazy, but at least he could be understood from time to time. Captain Solo, who might be rude to droids, but at least he didn't spout on about nonsense like freedom.
What would a droid even do with freedom, anyway?
THE END