Rain pouring, little lakes forming to the ground. Steps splashing quietly on the pavement. Wanting to breath, to get fresh start – all bruised inside and out. Skies illuminating night while lighting making all eeerie.
You let the rain was away your pain, your suffering as wondering where is the relief, the hope and freedom. Tears trying to flow, something inside stopping them. You know that you are not yet free this cycle of pain.
World is blurring, grayness smoothing all the edges of life. You are walking away, not knowing where – scared and shattered. Glancing behind your back, heart running – you are shivering from the coldness of the day, shivering because of he is on your tail. Your golden hair dumpen under your hood, lifeless and dull like your eyes – all spark almost gone.
And everyone who comes a cross, looks like him. Everyone who accidently bumbs you or touches you while mindlessly making through their own live, own hell and paradise you are flinching as the touch is fist – wanting to hurt you. Those endless black eyes hunting you.
As you mindlessly are going to forward, you wonder how did it go this far – why you are as broken, where did all the smiles and loving touches go?
Thoughts spinning in your mind, so quick to grasp and so painful to look deeper. Like a hurt animal you are trying to lost the hunter in the small forgotten streets, where only darkness and emptyness waits – hollow like life, wanting to grasp the light.
Getting near the park, skies crying for all the pain humans carry, loosing themselfes to the bitterness and hate – forgotting the colours of life and light of hope that flickers, tempting you to chase it and grasp it. It's the hard way, chasing hope and dreams all while trying to let go of past and the hurt. But you are determinate to survive. To live again.
You can smell the grass, splashing in the puddles. Small smile creeping to your face as trying to ressurect you that it will be okay. The streetlights blaring, rain kissing your body and soul wanting to sooth your pain like mother kisses child's hurt away.
Gently the rain stops, kissing farewell to your bluish lips and colorful face. You are feeling peace of mind just in this moment, this heartbeat.
Sighing, smiling softly with eyes full of sorrow – only in time can you heal, letting go of the hurt and nightmares chasing in your tails. As you sit on the bench, relief slowly forming inside of you, you remember snippets from your past, the laughing that was overcomed with pain. Little by little your tears are coming flowing through your scarred cheeks, tripping to the ground.
You are feeling so lost so vulnerable just wanting a home to go, soothing hug that would ressurance your soul – everything would be okay, everything is okay.
World blurring, smoothing, citylights and empty streets, easing your mind for awhile. The silence of the city hiding your existence from the world.
You are crying like a little child safely in the quietness of citypark, blaming yourself, blaming him - the rollercoaster of emotions going fast and uncontrable. Head spinning and feeling lightwighted, you are letting everything out. Cursing yourself for not grasping the hope and love when another man wanted to give. You just closed your eyes from the truth, still loving him and forgiving every hit, every word and painful touches. You were his to own, his to play and his to hurt.
Memories flashing through your eyes, stopping to amber eyes that were full of worry and protectiviness. It was one of those small moments, you were here then too – you just can't remember was it in summer or autumn, but you had sneaked outside wanting to feel fresh air playing with thought of breaking free, smashing the cycle of pain.
You two hadn't saw each other long time, he was your mentor in college the one you felt easy within, who could made you smile. And still you followed the shadow of him, like a trained puppy to please and pleasure. And you remember the suprise meeting under the starry skies, your soul feeling ease. And how he made your laugh and smile, butterflies in your stomach.
How you didn't needed to be on guard, silently dancing around the shadows.
Somehow you started meeting often and always in the same spot under the maple tree hidden from preying eyes. He made you feel safe and warm – never had to watch out hands coming closer. And each meeting, conversations grew longer as if time had stopped and there was no other in the world than you two.
You relished those moments, breathing freely in paradise. But you knew that it was stolen time, time that had to happen in secrecy, hidden from others – him. The flashes of happy memories making your heart clench as you know you cannot stop the time, turn it back and if you could what would you do – it isn't black and white.
You are remembering the conversation of your bruiser, cuts and how you cried on his shoulder the pain you were feeling, the feeling of uselessing to satisfy him, your boyfriend. And how those conversations spiralled down as you couldn't leave your boyfriend, couldn't let your ex-mentor to help to broke this vicious cycle – you started to push him away, started to avoid him.
And your boyfriend wound out, the discussion and the punishment left you in bed for months as you were too inferior to care or hospital. And even if you were in so much pain, flickering between consious and uncious he pleasured himself – shattering everytime something inside you.
And still you pushed all close you away from you, protecting him, protecting something that was so precious then and now, you can't even remember what that was and why – sobs emitting from you, everything in you is shaking as the walls are coming crashing down. Only one thing on your mind, why?
You remember when you met him, you were little kids and the days were always somehow sunny. You remember how you declared him as your best friend and later lover. He just smirked with eyes you couldn't then read - you thought he loved you and your love would last eternity and over. Tears running and sobbing, you let finally go.
Still you don't understand, flickering memories and pain - you knew even when your relationship started that he was difficult man, looking others and calculating the benefit from them.
You remember the beginning, how you loved and thought he loved you too. All those gentle touches, all those kisses and love. And now as you are looking back, you realize. The only one he ever loved was himself, things and human black and white. He wanted to be bigger than brother, he wanted the attention on him – you were like puppy in love, almost worshipping the ground he walked.
You craved love and acceptance, wanted someone to hold on – grasping little bit of paradise.
It was perfect when it begin, even if there were little fights and bigger one, you wanted it to work. Is it too much to ask, is it too much to grasp little bit happiness and paradise?
Your tears almost tried up, somehow you know. You were in in love with illussion that your lover wanted to keep up, and when the hurting begin – he had gnawed your soul shattering it little by little, you thought you deserved them. You thought this was something that he had right to do.
You were inferior to him. Trash. Someone who should be lucky that he even glanced in your way. Wanting to throw up, you cannot but wonder – why did had to spiral down? Why there are people who justify the hurt that they are making by just thinking so highly, so black'n white of themselfes?
Shivering you pull up, knowing that your lover, ex couldn't hurt you anymore. You turn your face up to the sky, stars making you wish, making you hope. You are humming a song unknow, smiling and eyes with sadness. Wind is spiralling around you, dancing wih falling leaves – tempting you to come, to see and love.
And you remember another man, another time – wondering how can you grasp little bit of paradise in small, so insifinicant moments that are over in heartbeat? You well in love another man, man with amber eyes somehow, in those little moments that you shared. Those moments were your paradise, even it hurts now to realize everything – it's easier to breath.
Even if you know that your ex-mentor has long gone, you can't reach him anymore. Maybe, maybe someday when you are stronger, healing you find him again. Even if you won't, he gave you so much more, smiling you are relishing those moments pure paradise – freedom.
Hand touches your shoulder startling you from your thoughts, "Let's go Naruto." the
silverheared police says softly, quietly. Small smile creeping your face, even if your eyes looking so old, shattered as you look the man that saved your life, keeping you hidden as your ex tried to find you – hurt you.
It feels like it has happened years ago – even it barely has been two weeks. You look at the man, Kakashi gratefulness. You know it will be hard, harder to let go. To not try to understand the manner anymore, to crawl to your ex when the hurt is too much, struggling to be everything and anything – to love yourself.
You are glancing the park one last time, hope and light flickering front of you, as you look the
maple tree you are wishing one last time. To meet amber eyes under that tree once again.
"Yeah." Turning back, you start walking side by side in silence. Butterflies in your stomach, anxiety rising – it will be okay.
You found your spirit, the fighter inside of you. Step by step you are going deeper in the darkness, in the light to the peace. Silently you are going forward, never fearing just anticipation making butterflies fly in your stomach. You can hear the water dripping slowly, smelling fresh cutted grass.
Dawn getting closer and closer.
You are laying under the maple tree, sun caressing your skin. Humming song that only you know, smiling. It has been rough four years, full of tears and pain. But you fought, learned to trust little by little in few people – world again. Colours of the world around you still sometimes making you wonder like child the wonders and beautifulness, flickers of paradise.
The rollercoaster of emotions and memories, haunted by nightmares. Letting go piece of time, little steps like child learning to walk you had to learn too. It isn't peachy yet, probably never will but you have survived so much, want to live and walk the journey of life. You are stronger now.
As you are doodling, you glance around you – seeing the bench that you sat that time, almost seeing you sitting there. Your deep blue eyes softness in them, remembering and somehow nostalgia, you are grateful to many people, people that went to hell with you and came back sticking at your side.
There are still those rainy days, still the craving to hear your ex-lovers voice. There was good moments too, in the beginning. Sadly smiling, you shake your head – you cannot go back to the time. Peopel cannot change if it won't start inside of them. But still you are hoping your ex-lover would be happy without bitterness inside of you.
You can hear the children playing, parents and couples enjoying the last days of summer and sun. There are footsteps everywhere, screaming and giggling – you humming the song, free.
Watching sun flickering between leaves dancing in the air. It's peaceful day.
Suddenly shadow covering the sun above you, you startle – waiting automatically the punch. Heart rasing and anxiety. In seconds you are back again in the rollercoaster, in the apartment full of darkness. And you look up seeing those endless black eyes, that black hair framing the face. Your heart running and fear making your heart clenching. Seconds feeling like lifetime, closing your eyes trying to make it go away.
Opening eyes you see those black eyes , eyes of your ex-lovers brother. Sighing relief you look him wondering what he wants, he looks at your eyes apogolozing everything – hoping you are getting better. And you smile to him saying farewell, looking his back and wondering how those two could look so similar, but be so different.
Suddenly feeling little bit older, you look the playing children in the grass. The pure joy making you smile, humming your song you are enjoying the view relieved more and little bit stronger.
You see far away redhaired male that looks familiar and your breath is hitching, blinking your eyes begin to sparkle. You stand up, butterflies in your stomach with gentle smile on your face you start walking to him. Wanting to see those amber eyes and that smile on his face. That gentle smile making everything perfect in mere seconds. New road opening before your eyes, wanting to grasp the little bit of heaven, little bit of paradise.
And you know and he knows, softly smiling he grabs you, hugging like there weren't tomorrow. Your heart and soul feeling easer than long time, you touch his face with smile and the world disappears somewhere distance, time stopping. It's only you and him and you know this will be something else, something better – even if there will be hard times, rainy days. But this moment is little bit of your paradise.
"Long time no see, Kurama,", smirking the said redhead just kissed you, making you melting inside a song still playing in your head, maple tree covering your moment of stillness, of paradise.