WARNING! This story does contain heavy coverage of depression and a mention of suicide. If this might trigger you, cause you to have a relapse, etc please do NOT read this story!
This is a semi AU/AU story. By semi I mean that it will have some of the past events mentioned, though not all and not necessarily in any order. I'm still learning about Fairy Tail, I've never read the manga and have only watched one of the movies and up to episode 199 so far, but these characters are already so dear to me! I just had to write something for them. This story doesn't take place anywhere particular in the time line.
It was another, average day with Fairy Tail. Nab Lasaro was standing at the board, looking for the perfect job. Macao Conbolt and Wakana Mine were complaining about the younger generation as Romeo Conbolt listened in, rolling his eyes at his dad. Then a commotion was heard at the door. Fairy Tail's strongest team had returned! Nobody knew the details of this latest mission, but they were all glad to see their guild mates had once again safely returned to them.
Gray, Erza, Wendy and Natsu entered first, with Lucy bringing up the rear with Happy and Carla. The two Exceeds flew off to talk to Lily as Lucy watched the other members of their guild greet the group in front of her. It wasn't that they weren't equally excited to see Lucy, in fact Levy called her name and gave her a smile, but Lucy was enjoying the moment of watching rather than joining in.
To be honest, Lucy had felt a bit disconnected from everyone lately. The feeling came on her the strongest when she was alone, but even when in their presence there were times when she just couldn't shake the feeling of not belonging, which was crazy, this was Fairy Tail after all! These people were not only her friends, but her family as well.
Still as much as she tried to tell herself she shouldn't feel this way, she couldn't make herself listen. Lucy just barely kept from sighing, realizing how close she was to giving away her innermost thoughts to her friends. She didn't want to burden them with her problem or have them feeling sorry for her. She would get over this, she just needed some time. At least, that's what she told herself. She mentally shook her head, before pasting on her signature smile and joining in on the celebration of their return, which would probably turn into a brawl before too long.
XXX
Later that day, she entered her apartment with a sigh before saying "Alone at last." For as much as it brought on those feelings of disconnection, it also felt good to be away from everyone, perhaps because she didn't feel the need to pretend like everything was ok. Lucy decided to unwind with a nice, hot bath. First though, she checked to make sure Happy and Natsu hadn't entered her home, then locked all (hopefully) possible ways they could do so.
Once she was done with her bath, she exited the bathroom with a towel both around her and her hair. Sitting on her bed were Natsu and Happy. She stared at them for a minute before exploding with "How did you two get in here!?" Natsu grinned and said "You left your door unlocked, good thing too, all of the other ways in were locked for some reason." Lucy just stared at them for a second, wondering how she forgot to lock that (probably because they never use it) before once again exploding "I locked them so I could have some privacy!"
"Why would you want to do that?" Natsu asked, naively oblivious as usual. Lucy sighed and said, "At least go into the other room so I can change." Natsu blushed, gave an uneasy chuckle and nodded, pulling Happy out of the room with him. Lucy changed quickly and then went into the other room and asked "So what's up?" Natsu shrugged and said "Nothing really. Just wanted to make sure you got home alright and see if you were wanting to head out on another job tomorrow or take a break for a couple of days."
Lucy smiled and said "Thanks for checking on me. As for a job, unless you're hurting for money I wouldn't mind taking some time off." Natsu returned her smile and said "Sounds good to me! Happy and I are going to go fishing tomorrow then, want to come with us?" Lucy hesitated. Being around Natsu was fun, but he was the one who could see right through her at times, did she dare take a chance? Shoving those thoughts aside, she nodded and said "That sounds like fun, sure!"
"Great, we'll stop by in the morning to pick you up then." Natsu replied, heading towards the door with Happy following him. Once they were outside, Natsu turned to Happy and asked, "Did Lucy seem odd to you?" "Not really, she just looked a little tired to me." Happy replied. Natsu hummed and said "Maybe you're right." Though he cast a doubtful eye towards Lucy's bedroom window. Still, he followed Happy when the Exceed headed towards their home.
Lucy waited several minutes after they left before allowing the façade of happiness to slip from her face. She didn't want them to see the hurt inside of her, the pain she was feeling. That would just make them feel it too, whether it was by feeling sorry for her or feeling guilty from not having noticed it sooner, she didn't want them to have to deal with these feelings too. She groaned to herself and asked "Why did I agree to go fishing with them tomorrow? It would have been nice having a day where I didn't have to pretend to be whole for once."
She threw herself backwards on the bed as her eyes filled up with tears. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy?" she asked herself as they flowed from her eyes. "Being upset like this is stupid, I should be grateful for all the things I do have, not dwelling on things in the past or that are just my mind's creation." she whispered to the room.
Lucy looked at the calendar and, if possible, her sorrow grew even heavier. The date of her father's death was coming near and the things that were left unsaid between them, the sadness of not having completely forgiven her father before he died and therefore not having told him so were pounded into her head. "I'm sorry Dad." she whispered once again, "I'm sorry for everything, for leaving without clearing the air completely between us, for being so stubborn and thinking we had more time to do that in."
With that she covered her head as she sobbed until there were no more tears left, acknowledging her failures and feeling that the sadness was a start on the repayment, one which would never be completely paid for. Once all her tears were spent, she fell into a restless sleep, one which would just leave her feeling more tired and sad upon her awakening.
XXX
Lucy awoke to Natsu banging on her window and saying "Wake up Lucy, the fish will stop biting before we get there if we don't hurry!" "Right, I'll be ready in a minute." Lucy knew how important the fish were to Natsu and Happy, well especially Happy, so she hurried as fast as she could to get ready and make a lunch to take with him. Natsu and Happy's faces lit up when they saw her carrying the picnic basket, causing Lucy to laugh.
This was why she loved being with her friends. Sometimes her real happiness broke through and she didn't have to worry about wearing a mask around her friends to hide her emotions. Today looked like it was going to be one of those days. As the three started off towards their usual fishing spot, Natsu said "Thanks for coming with us and packing a lunch Lucy." "Not a problem, I love hanging out with you guys." Today that statement was completely true, though sometimes when she was feeling depressed that would not be the most likely case, as far as in that moment.
Happy was excited and eager to get started, so he flew on ahead, leaving the pair to walk along at their own pace. "He sure loves his fish, doesn't he?" Lucy asked, a giggle in her voice. Natsu returned her grin and said "He sure does." To himself he thought, "I guess I was wrong last night and Happy was right, she seems to be regular old Lucy today." The two chatted about nothing in particular as they followed the Exceed, earning knowing glances from some of the older residents of Magnolia. Glances that, of course, went unnoticed by the pair of friends.
They soon reached their fishing spot where Happy was looking at the fish swimming in the water below him as he flew over the pond. They waved at their flying friend, who joined them on the banking. Lucy sat back as she watched the pair grab their poles and make a bet on who would land the first fish. Lucy chuckled, though she started to feel the bubble of despair start to try to encircle her. "No, not now, not today, please, I just want to be normal for a day." She thought to herself, but that of course did not stop it from getting the best of her.
"Look at you. You may be with them, but they aren't including you at all. They don't need you, they probably only asked you to come with them because they felt sorry for you." Her thoughts whispered to her, as she tried to ignore them, tried to shut them out. But it was no use. It was all she could do to keep the tears at bay and so to keep them from spotting her eyes, Lucy set about preparing their snack, hoping it would distract her, pull her out of the dark thoughts marching through her brain.
Happy and Natsu both smiled their thanks as she handed them their snacks. Then to further keep them from noticing her current mental state, she said "I'm going to take a walk around the pond." She was worried, her voice cracked a bit at the end and Natsu looked like he was about to say something, but then he got a bite and was distracted from the moment, forgetting about it entirely for the time being. Lucy had all she could do not to sigh in relief as she headed off on her walk.
When she got to a point that she knew was out of sight and Natsu's hearing she mentally slapped herself and said "Pull yourself together Lucy, getting caught off guard like that almost let Natsu see that there was something wrong, remember he isn't as dense as he often seems to be. I need to think of a way to distance myself from him without seeming like that's what I'm doing, if I keep this up, he'll figure it out in no time!"
By the time she got back from her walk, Natsu and Happy were ready for their lunch. Both scarfed down their food quickly, wanting to get back to the competition, which Natsu was just barely winning right now. Lucy shook off her feelings for the rest of the afternoon, cheering on both of her friends, who wound up in a tie by the time it was time to head home. "You guys can't possibly eat all of this fish, what are you going to do with it?" Lucy asked as she helped them stack the huge fish into a pile.
Natsu rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment as he said "Guess we hadn't thought that far ahead." Lucy rolled her eyes good naturedly at her friend before saying "Of course you didn't. Why don't you see if anyone has any need of fish, and I'm not talking the kind that are willing to pay for it." Natsu beamed at her and said "Great idea! Thanks Luce!"
She smiled and helped him drag them into town, where Natsu gave away all but what he and Happy could eat. He offered Lucy some, but she politely refused, saying her cupboards had enough in them to keep her full for a while. Once the last fish was handed out, the three friends said goodbye and parted ways.
XXX
Alone in her apartment at last, Lucy had decided what she would do to keep away from Natsu for the time being. "You know" her dark, inner demon interrupted, "there is an easier way out of this. Why don't you just end it all already?" Lucy was shocked, she didn't want to kill herself! Why would she even think that? "No." she whispered, "It's not that bad, I've just been a little sad because of the anniversary of Dad's death coming up, that's all. Besides, once I have time to process through my emotions, this will all be behind me."
XXX
The next morning she was glad to see Natsu in town, which meant she could talk to him before she went into Fairy Tail's Guild Hall. "Hey Natsu, wait up!" she called out. Natsu turned around and smiled as he rubbed the back of his head. "Hey Lucy, what's up?" he asked. "Listen, I've been thinking. Since there aren't any big jobs really available right now, I might try a couple of solo missions so I can become stronger. Is that okay with you?" Natsu nodded and said "Sure, I can understand wanting to become stronger, maybe I'll do a few as well."
"Great! Thanks Natsu, for understanding I mean." "No problem." He said, right before opening the door for her into the guild hall. She smiled her thanks before going over to the board to look for an easy job. She found one, it didn't pay much nor did it sound too strenuous, but it would take a little time as she would have to travel for it and that would be time away from Natsu.
She went up to Mirajane Strauss, who was working behind the bar as usual, and handed her the paper. Mira gave her a funny look and said "Are you sure you want this job Lucy? It's awful easy, isn't it?" "Yeah, but I'm doing it solo so I want to make sure I don't bite off more than I can chew for my first time in a while out there alone. Plus it's been on the board for ages, so I figure I can help someone who needs it." Mira smiled at Lucy's answer and said "Well then, safe travels."
Lucy returned the smile as her reply and walked out of the guild, overhearing Gray telling some of the others about their most recent mission. Though there was a bit more embellishments to it then had actually happened, so she couldn't help shaking her head as she left the guild. Once outside, the darkness crept in again and she sighed, looked like it was going to be her companion for this job.
Natsu also picked a solo mission from the board, though he went for a harder one because, well, he's Natsu. Mira smiled at him and said "You're taking a solo mission too, huh? Is this going to become a new normal?" "Nah, Lucy and I are just taking a break from the big jobs. She also wants to increase her strength she said." Mira frowned at that and said "Odd, the job she picked was rather simple, but she also said she didn't want to push herself to much on her first time out there alone in a while."
Natsu flashed her a smile and said "Sounds like Lucy, always practical." to which Mira giggled and agreed. Mira glanced at his paper and said "Safe journeys Natsu." Natsu smiled at Mira and headed out, going the opposite direction that Lucy had just taken.
Lucy hopped on a train and took a seat, waiting for it to take her to her destination. The voice came back. "See. Your friends can't see that anything is wrong with you, yet you still call them friends? A true friend would have seen the pain you are hiding behind your eyes. You have no friends, only people who want to call you that for their own gain." Tears were once again close at hand as Lucy whispered, "You're wrong, that's not true." The voice seemed to laugh before replying "If I'm wrong, then where are they?"
Lucy shook her head and said nothing more to the voice within her head, though she mentally kept trying to deny it, doubt was creeping in. The voice had won that round, would it continue to win more? Lucy sighed and leaned back against her seat, closing her eyes as the train started up, gently rocking her into some much needed sleep.
XXX
Weeks had passed with Natsu and Lucy both taking solo jobs, in fact Gray and Erza also joined them in doing so. They figured they too might as well try to grow stronger. Lucy was just glad she hadn't really ran into any of her closest friends in a while. When it came time for choosing a new job, they were like passing ships in the night. If she even did see them, the most they exchanged was a smile and greeting. A lot of the smaller jobs that had been up there for quite some time were quickly diminishing, much to the joy of those who had posted them.
Their gratefulness at having someone finally notice their plight stung at Lucy, making her feel guilty for always thinking more about her rent money then the people who just couldn't afford to offer bigger rewards. In fact, she was making enough on the smaller jobs to keep paying her rent and having enough to eat and travel to the other jobs, so it was all working out.
She left the tougher jobs for her friends to take, since they really were trying to increase their strength, whereas that statement had just been a lie on her part, one meant to separate her more from her friends. Most of these trips were just spent listening to the voice tell her how worthless she was, how she would never be as strong as her teammates, that she would just slow them down, that the only reason she was still on the team was they felt pity for her, etc.
Lucy allowed the tears to spill down her cheeks as she took a rare bath in the privacy of her own home. She was starting to believe everything the voice said, that she was just a burden, etc. Hours passed and she only realized it when she started to feel cold, only noticing then how wrinkly her skin had become from being in the water for so long. She dragged herself out of the tub and changed slowly into her clothes. Soon she would have to go to the hall to pick her next mission, but for now she allowed herself to dwell in what had now become a comfortable mental state, though how berating herself had ever become that, she really didn't know.
She needed to get it out of her system before she went down there anyways, wouldn't due for her friends to see her like this. They would only try to cheer her up and she didn't feel like letting them do that. Besides it wouldn't last long, it never did, so what was the point? "Okay Lucy Heartfilia, you need to get over yourself and get down to the guild before they begin worrying about you." She told her reflection in the mirror in front of her.
Lucy plastered on a smile and opened the front door after that, walking through town quickly to reach the guild. As she looked at the board, her heart sank. All of the solo missions were practically gone. That meant soon she would have to start working with her team again. Plus, the solo missions that were left looked like they would be rather hard. Uneasily she grabbed what looked to be the simplest one of the group and headed over to Mira.
"My goodness, another solo mission Lucy?" Mira asked. "Yep, though there aren't that many left so this will probably be one of the last ones, especially if Natsu has anything to say about it." Lucy replied with a chuckle, which though it sounded hollow to herself, must not have to Mira as she made no comment about it. In fact she joined Lucy in her laughter.
"True, Natsu did tell me the other day he couldn't wait to start working as a team again." Mira replied, causing Lucy to internally groan, but outwardly she said "Me either. Well see you Mira." She walked out of the guild, missing Natsu by just minutes. He too saw how empty the board was getting, so before grabbing one he went over to Mira and asked "Has Lucy been in yet?" Mira nodded and said "You just missed her, she just left on another job."
Natsu sighed and said "Oh well, guess it wouldn't hurt to finish up all those missions before we went on one together." "You know Natsu, I was thinking, wouldn't it be fun to showcase how you all have grown? Maybe you could take each other on in a group brawl or something." Cana Alberona said from where she was drinking at the bar.
"That's not a bad idea, in fact it sounds like fun! I'm down if the others are." Natsu declared. "I'm sure they will, at least Gray and Erza will jump at the chance." Mira said with a giggle, "I'll start working on getting things set up for it." "Great, see you later then!"
XXX
Lucy was glad to see the guild hall upon her return from her latest mission. Her heart just hadn't been in it, so it had taken longer than she had anticipated. "Lucy!" Levy McGarden called out to her, "So good to see you again!" "Levy! It has been awhile, hasn't it?" Lucy asked, putting on her happy face. Levy gave her friend a hug as she said "It has! So have you heard the big news?" "You and Gajeel are finally tying the knot?" Lucy teased.
Her friend blushed and said "No! Though I wouldn't exactly be opposed to it as I'm sure you've probably guessed." Lucy laughed and said "I'm sure. So what is the big news then?" "Cana suggested that all of you who have been taking extra missions have an all-out brawl with each other to showcase your increased strength. Natsu liked the idea and said he was okay with it if everyone else was, but Mire got excited by the idea and didn't wait to ask anyone else before planning. So once the last solo mission is cleared from the board and all of you have returned, a date will be set for it!"
Lucy gulped. She hadn't been expecting this, in fact she wasn't ready for this at all! Most of the missions she had chosen were intellectual types and the others were ones that she could easily handle on her own, no need to call her spirits to help her. In fact, she hadn't used any magic since she had gone on her last big mission with her friends. She was worried her spirit friends would see what her other friends had not yet seen, that she was depressed.
More than that, her thoughts of ending it all came more and more frequently. No, she wouldn't summon her spirits if she could help it, all would notice something off about her, Loke probably would be able to guess exactly that she was depressed or at least be the most likely to confront her. Not that he wouldn't just show up on his own, but she wasn't going to go pushing her luck. Suddenly she realized that she had been silent for a bit too long, evident by the fact that Levy's face was starting to lose it's excited look.
To make up for it, Lucy quickly said "That sounds like fun! I can't wait!" Levy's smile returned and said "I bet you show them all whose boss." Lucy laughed, a genuine laugh, and said "Hardly, if anything Natsu will, he's been itching to fight Erza for a while and we both know he loves tangling with Gray." Levy joined Lucy's laugh and said "Exactly, he will be so focused on those two that you'll be able to take them all out before they know what hits them!"
Lucy allowed her face to show how much she doubted that, but also how much she appreciated her friend's support. Still, if she could avoid this fight a little longer, she would. She went in and saw there was just one solo mission remaining. She eagerly snatched it up and went to see Mira about it before heading out. Within the next few hours the other three returned and saw there was no more missions available.
"It seems that Lucy got the last one." Erza said. "Good, now we can finally get this show on the road." Gray replied. "Well once Lucy gets back we can anyways." Natsu added with a toothy grin. "It seems like we've hardly seen each other since this all started, it will be good to be able to start working together again." Erza stated, earning nods from both of her teammates. Wendy walked up to them with a smile of happiness at seeing them all. She had thought about going on solo missions too, but instead had convinced Porlyusica to take her under her wing and teach her more about healing.
"Hi you guys!" Wendy exclaimed, earning welcomes from the three mages as well as Happy. After the greetings were over and Carla had also joined them, Wendy asked "Is it true you guys are going to have a brawl to show off your increased power?" "It is if Lucy agreed to it." Natsu declared. "She did, she told me that it sounded like fun and that she couldn't wait." Said Levy, breaking into their conversation. "You saw Lucy when she was here last?" Gray asked. "Yes, in fact you guys only missed her and the last mission by a couple of hours." Levy replied with a smile.
"Well then, depending on how far she had to travel, she should be back in a couple of days!" Natsu said, "So maybe we can start thinking of a date to hold the match?" Levy frowned and said "I'm not sure that's a good idea, I mean what if she returns the day of the match, how would that be fair with you three well rested?" "Very true Levy, we'll wait until her return before deciding on a day to do it." Erza agreed.
XXX
It was much longer before Lucy returned, but she did so with a smile. "Sorry everyone, I know you wanted to host a brawl once that last solo mission was completed, but it was such a pretty area I hated to rush off without exploring it a little." "It's ok Lucy." Natsu said with a grin, "We're just glad you're back safe and sound, we were starting to get worried about you." Lucy lost her smile for a moment before saying "You were? I'm sorry guys."
"Hey don't sweat it, we all needed a break anyways." Gray reassured her, earning back the smile, though none noticed this one wasn't as real as the other. For during her time away Lucy had perfected her abilities to hide her emotions, hardly ever letting any of her inner turmoil escape to show itself. "So how long would you like to recover from your journey before we have our battle royale?" asked Erza. "Oh, um, a day or two is fine for me, if that works for you guys." Lucy said with a smile.
"It works for me!" Natsu exclaimed, "I've been itching to take you all on!" As Gray and Erza threatened him, Lucy just chuckled before saying her goodbyes to those who were listening and then she headed home. After a while, Natsu noticed her absence and said "Hey, where'd Lucy go?" "She headed home to rest up." Levy answered him, blushing as Gajeel came up and put his arm around her shoulders.
"Really? We haven't seen her in so long, I thought she would want to hang out for a bit." Natsu said, somewhat surprised that his friend had left so soon after returning. "Maybe her journey wore her out, try not to worry about her Natsu. You'll probably see her tomorrow." Erza answered gently.
Gray was about to add something, when someone shouted out, "Gray, my darling, you're back!" Gray groaned as Juvia Lockser latched onto his arm, noticing but unable to do anything about Natsu's snicker at the moment. "Hello Juvia, nice to see you." Gray muttered, his cheeks flushing at the attention of the water mage. Erza smiled at her friend's discomfort, because she knew Gray returned the blue haired water mage's feelings, even if he wasn't ready to admit it out loud.
"So." She said, turning to Mira, "When would be a good day for the brawl to be held?" "Let's hold it in two days' time, that will give Lucy time to recover from her travels." The white haired mage replied. Everyone started crowding around, offering suggestions. It was decided that all of Magnolia would be invited, though whether they would wish to attend would remain to be seen.
XXX
The day of her dad's death had come and gone and she thought that she would have gotten better afterwards, but then her mind reminded her of Éclair and Momon. They had only been her friends for a short time but, even so, that hadn't made them any less important to her. Their bond, memories, etc were just as important to Lucy as any of her other friends. She groaned into her pillow, one she hadn't seen since she started the whole solo mission thing. She wanted to keep out of Magnolia as much as possible, it was the place she was most likely going to run into someone she knew.
Looking over, she spotted her doll, her little sister, Michelle. She groaned once more, could she do nothing right in this world?! Was she doomed to lose all she cared for and about? Her parents were gone, as were many friends. A part of her briefly thought of those still with her and how much they had shown they cared for, but just as quickly the voice inside her head said things like they were just doing it for themselves, or she was just wishing that was how they had treated her, that those were false memories.
On and on her mind danced, leaving Lucy little time to rest. In all honesty, she had lost track of any form of time. It seemed she had only laid down on her bed, when Natsu was banging on her window yelling, "Lucy, wake up! Today is the day of the brawl!" She gasped, not ready to face her friends, but knowing she had to, to keep them from suspecting anything was wrong. "I'll be right out!" She hollered back. She hopped into the shower to quickly wash away the order that had grown stronger since she had first arrived home.
While it no longer bothered her, she knew that it would be a dead giveaway to her friends that something was wrong. Afterwards she quickly got dressed, making sure she had her keys (though she didn't plan to use them) and Fleuve d'étoiles, which would be her only source of attack if she could help it. Not that she expected to last long, after all, the others had really been training with the purpose of growing stronger, while she was just focused on avoiding them.
Putting her fake smile in place, she ran outside and said "I'm ready when you are Natsu!" He smirked and said "About time! Come on, or we're going to be late and you know that Gray would never let us forget that if we were!" Lucy gave a false chuckle, knowing it was what Natsu expected from her, but in all honesty she was finding it hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If she could have, she would have just stayed in bed.
They arrived at the makeshift arena with time to spare, Lucy gulping at the sight of so many people. "They all came out to watch us!?" she exclaimed. Natsu rubbed the back of his head as he said "Yeah, kind of nerve racking isn't it?" She stared at him before asking "You find this nerve racking? Why, is it because you are known for your destructiveness? I'm starting to think we should have you use Gildarts path." The last parts were said with a teasing tone, earning a laugh from Natsu, before he answered "Probably." Lucy joined in his laugh with a rare real one of her own.
"Okay you two, enough buddying up to each other, remember this is every man, and woman, for themselves." Gray said, walking up to them. "Oh I don't need anyone to help me beat you!" Natsu declared and the two started bickering back and forth, leaving Lucy to feel somewhat alone again. Erza suddenly joined them and told the two male mages to knock it off, earning yes ma'am from both of them.
Suddenly Mira was there, in the center of the arena. "Thank you all for coming out today and supporting Fairy Tail! As I'm sure you know, some of the members of our strongest team have been tackling lots of solo missions lately to increase their strength. They're here to show us what they are made of in a grand battle royale against each other. Now without further ado, let me introduce you to our contenders!"
"First up we have Erza Scarlet! She is an S-Class Mage, who excels at Requip Magic! Next there is Gray Fullbuster, whose specialty is Ice-Make Magic! Next up is Natsu Dragneel, better watch out for his Fire Dragon Slayer Magic! And last, but certainly not least, is Lucy Heartfilia! Get ready to see some awesome Celestial Spirit Magic!"
"Now, let me quickly go over the rules and we can get down to the entertainment that brought you all here today! There is only one rule today, no lethal use of magic, whether on yourself or an opponent! Meaning if you feel you are running out of magic and an attack that normally would not harm you will, please stop immediately!" Mira finished up.
"Let the game begin!" Shouted Makarov Dreyar. The four friends quickly ran a relatively safe distance away, waiting to see who would strike first and where. Natsu, never one to sit around and wait for a fight, went after Erza practically immediately. Gray joined him, knowing that he would need Natsu if he was going to take out Erza, but already planning on his first strikes after it was over. Lucy held back, not really wanting to fight anyways and hoping not to draw attention to herself.
Which in a sense worked, everyone was so focused on the fight happening between Erza, Gray and Natsu that they practically forgot about her since she hadn't joined in the fray as quickly. "If I can just survive for third place, that would be a miracle." She thought to herself, "Maybe I can take out one of them while they are distracted."
Why she even cared, she didn't know, probably just to keep up the façade that everything was ok she supposed. Gray was the closest to her currently, so he became her target. As she started approaching him, Erza also made a sudden move towards him as well. Gray was caught between the two female mages, and just as quickly as their unspoken alliance had formed, Natsu broke it by turning on him as well.
Juvia watched in despair as Gray became the first casualty of the game. Erza had used a lot of her magic on Gray and Natsu's previous attacks. She heard Jellal Fernandes holler a warning to her, but for once she wasn't fast enough on a requip and Natsu's fire took her down. "Oooh it just got interesting folks! We are down to Natsu and Lucy! Natsu has been using his fire like crazy, but Lucy has yet to summon one of her spirits! Could she have been saving all of her magic for this final showdown?!" Mira shouted into the microphone, causing a lot of the audience members to hold their ears.
Natsu looked at Lucy and his stomach did a flip flop. He didn't want to hurt Lucy! He didn't want to make her cry! He could smash Gray and Erza all day and it wouldn't bother him, he knew they could take it. But Lucy was more… special?... nah that sounded to cheesy, but she was different. He didn't want to chance hurting her, but he knew he couldn't just throw the game, she would not appreciate it. Lucy gave him a smirk and said "What's the matter salamander? Are you choking on your flames?"
Natsu was taken aback for a second before grinning and said "Oh I'm fired up now!" Lucy pointed her whip at him, using it as a declaration of being ready to take him on. Nope, he wasn't going to throw this fight and he wouldn't hold back, for one Lucy would never forgive him and for another he was honestly curious to see how she had improved. His fist burst into flames and he wound up for his attack, before he was suddenly surprised to see a cord wrapped around his wrist. With a quick yank, it was made to hit his face, knocking him off his feet momentarily.
He looked at Lucy in surprise, her whip having released from his wrist, but still glowing as she waited for him to get up. He sprang to his feet and started running at her, his mind empty as the surprise of Lucy managing to get the drop on him clouded his judgement. Suddenly his feet were pulled out from under him and he landed face first in the dirt. Lucy did not expect to beat Natsu, she just wanted to land a few blows in to keep from being told she threw the match.
But Natsu didn't get up, he didn't move. She had removed the whip from his ankles the minute he fell, so why didn't he get to his feet? She put her hands to her face as she saw blood seeping from under his head. "WENDY!" she yelled in a panic and the young girl was instantly making her way towards Natsu from her place in the stands.
As the others gathered around Natsu's prone form, Lucy's mind started telling her "You did this, you killed Natsu! You don't deserve to live, was his life really worth your proving your fine?!" Lucy stood there a moment more, then ran for her home, tears streaming down her face. No one noticed her as all worried eyes were cast on Natsu. By this time, Porlyusica had been summoned and she insisted that they must move him into the guild hall for treatment.
XXX
An hour later Natsu came to, his eyes fluttering as the light hurt them but he was desperate to open them. "What happened?" he whispered. "Natsu! You're awake!" Wendy exclaimed. "Lucy kicked your butt, that's what happened." Gray said from his other side. Natsu gave a weak laugh and said "I'm not surprised, she's gotten stronger over the past months, she didn't even use her keys or did she and I'm not remembering it." "Now that you mention it, you're right, she didn't use her keys." Erza said while holding her chin with one finger.
"Where is Lucy? I think congratulations are in order." Natsu said with a smile, as he sat up, much to Porlyusica and Wendy's comments that he shouldn't rush things, "And what happened? Last I remember I was falling after my legs were entangled by her whip." "You hit the ground and a hidden rock which was missed when we were clearing the field." Happy answered his second question. "As for where Lucy is, no one knows. She hasn't been seen since she called Wendy to come to your aid." Carla answered the first.
Natsu's grin changed to a worried frown as his gut clenched in fear, though why he didn't know and so he calmly said "That isn't like Lucy, I think I'll go look for her." His uneasiness must have caught on because the rest of the group was also volunteering to go look for her, just as long as he rested. Natsu didn't like it but he agreed. He waited until the others had left the room, before he turned to Happy and said "Take me to Lucy's place."
Happy gave him a worried look and said "Are you sure you should be pushing yourself Natsu? The others will probably find her." "Look Happy, I don't know what it is, but something is telling me to get to her place as fast as possible. Now are you going to take me or am I going to have to run there?" Natsu said, the urgency he was feeling coming through in his voice. Happy gave a firm nod and simple "Aye!" before grabbing ahold of Natsu and flying out of the guild towards Lucy's.
XXX
Minutes later, though for some reason it felt like hours to the worried pair, they landed just outside her home. Everything was locked this time, including the door and Lucy wouldn't answer it. Natsu quickly found the land lady and said "Look you either unlock Lucy's door or I'm going to kick it in, somethings wrong, I just know it!"
She must have believed him, or maybe she just didn't want to replace the door, but for whatever reason she unlocked Lucy's door. Natsu ran in, yelling her name. He found her on her bed, taking shallow breaths, an empty bottle of some kind of medicine lying beside her. "LUCY! Happy, go get Porlyusica and Wendy, hurry!" Happy didn't stop to say anything as he flew out the window as fast as he could, while the land lady held a worried hand to her lips, not knowing what to do.
Lucy stirred in Natsu's arms slightly, his heat causing her to waken somewhat. "Na..Natsu? You're alive? Or am I dead?" she could hardly whisper. Tears formed in Natsu's eyes as he realized there was still a chance to save her, "Of course I'm alive, getting hit in the head hasn't stopped me yet has it? What were you thinking Luce? Why did you take all of those?" Lucy's own eyes filled with tears as she said "I'm sorry, I was just tired of the pain."
With that she slipped back into unconsciousness. Just then Porlyusica arrived, courtesy of Jet, who rushed off to get Wendy as well. She took a look at the drugs and pulled something from her bag, forcing it down Lucy's throat. Once Wendy was brought to her, she had her start her healing magic. Soon they had her out of the woods. Porlyusica turned to Natsu and said "We'll go wait outside with the rest of the guild. If you need us, send Happy. When she comes to, get her to tell you everything. Happy, as soon as she wakes, you are to come outside and stay with us." Then the two healers left, taking the land lady with them, who joined the guild in waiting to hear how Lucy was doing.
What seemed like forever later, Lucy's eyes fluttered open again and Happy quietly left the room, closing the window behind him. Lucy saw Natsu's worried eyes and her own filled with tears as she said "I'm sorry, I never wanted you to go through this." "What did you mean about the pain Lucy? What pain were you trying to stop by taking those?" Natsu asked softly. Lucy sighed and said "I guess I owe you that much. I thought I had killed you Natsu! I couldn't bear to see the one person who can really make laugh, to smile, to feel alive die, let alone by my hand!"
"I haven't felt happy in a long while, I mean there were moments, but true, life fueling happiness, it's been months. I started feeling down when we were on our last big mission, I thought it was my father's death, or rather the date of it, that was causing it, but that came and went and nothing got better. I knew that if I hung out with you guys too much you would see right through me and I didn't want you to bear this burden, so I suggested the solo missions for that purpose, not to grow stronger. In fact, I haven't used my keys during any of them, I knew they would suspect something, heck Loke could probably guess!"
"I knew it wasn't true, that it was lies, but there was a voice in my head telling me how worthless I was, how everyone I cared about was dying or would die just because they were close to me, and when I saw you lying there, face down, with blood seeping everywhere… I believed it when it said it was my fault you were dead…. And" she broke down in sobs, stiffening at first when Natsu put his arms around her, gently holding her like she would break if he held her any tighter, though he was tempted to do so.
How he wanted to take Lucy's hurt and pain and put them on his own shoulders so she wouldn't have to bear it! How had she managed to suffer so silently without anyone noticing? How she cut them out so much that she was able to hide it so well? His conscience smote him as he remembered all those times he had had a feeling that something was off and he had done nothing. "I'm sorry I failed Lucy, I promised I would never make you cry and it looks like I caused quite a few of the tears you have shed." He whispered in her ear.
"No, Natsu…" she started to protest, but he put a finger to her lip to silence her as he said "This isn't to make you feel more guilty, but it needs to be said. We should never have let you go down so dark a path, especially not as far as you got. We failed you, your family in Fairy Tail. Please accept our apologies I give for all of us." Natsu said, his forehead touching hers. "There is nothing to forgive! I didn't want you all to share my burdens, they weren't for you to carry!" Lucy exclaimed.
Natsu barely kept his temper in check, he wasn't angry at her just frustrated, but he knew that he must be careful with what he says and how he says it, so he took a deep breath and said "You carry mine all the time, you listen to me talk of Igneel, about my frustrations with myself and my abilities, let me return the favor Luce." Lucy shed new tears and said "I don't know that I can."
Natsu gave a soft smile and said "That's ok, I'm not asking you to tell me everything all at once, that would be like asking a kid to give up something that makes them feel safe. It can be scary letting someone see all of what makes you you, but I promise I will do my best to make you feel safe, to make it so that you never regret telling me anything that you share. I promise to try to give you as much as you give me. I'll always try to be there to catch you when you fall and if I'm not, I will help you stand back up again, Luce."
Lucy gave a choked laugh as she said "I can't make any promises." "I'm not asking for any, all I'm asking is for you to try." Natsu said, a tear making it's way from his eyes in spite of his smile. Lucy hesitated and nodded and softly said "Ok." "Good, now do you remember what caused you to start feeling bad?" "Promise you won't laugh?" Lucy said, her eyes looking away from him, though he used a finger guide her chin so they were looking at his own, letting her see how serious he was before saying "Promise."
She studied him for a moment, before nodding, but looking away as she continued "I've never felt like I measure up, whether it be to my father's expectations or my skills as a mage compared to others, but the biggest one was I always felt like the one nobody would like. I know I've semi played it off and I can pretend to have a big ego, as Happy puts it, but every word about my weight, about how someone doesn't find me pretty, it tears into my soul like you wouldn't believe. I guess that is probably where the stirrings started, but it's hard to truly pin point a moment. Somedays it feels like I've always felt this way, while others its just teasing me with how I used to be."
Natsu didn't know what to say. He knew that neither Happy nor himself had ever meant for it to be taken seriously, and it seemed that Lucy knew that, but it had hurt his friend anyways. He pulled her into another hug, once more whispering how he was sorry. "It's ok." Lucy said, her own eyes filling with tears, "I never wanted you to feel hurt for hurting me when you didn't mean to, so please, don't. I forgive you, I forgave each of you the moment you said it. My mind just decided to use that against me for whatever reason."
She yawned and said "I'm sorry, but I feel so tired, please let me sleep. I promise I will talk more with you when I wake up." Natsu nodded and said "Ok, get some rest." He stayed with her until he was sure she was asleep, before going out to talk to his guild mates. He wouldn't share it all with them, in fact he wasn't sure what he would share with them, but they needed to know that while sticks and stones may break bones, words could do so much more damage.
So a lot of the depression stuff is things I have dealt with on a firsthand basis. This was/is how depression is for me (I say is as I'm currently fighting through it again). Like I did for Lucy, I hid my depression from my family and friends, though unlike Lucy a part of me was always hurt that they couldn't see the pain I was in. I chalked it up to just being too good at hiding it from them. Unlike Lucy I didn't attempt suicide, though I did go through a list of possible ways I could do it, I just could always see myself somehow surviving and I didn't want to have any chance of surviving, I didn't want to deal with disappointing my family if I tried. With my recent attack of the monster that is depression, it scared me how fast the thought of killing myself came to mind.
Like the starting motive for Lucy's depression, I can still recall these boys making me feel fat. We were in race where one of us sat on a chair that was on a piece of rug or a towel or blanket and the person sitting on the chair was pulled across the floor by two of their teammates. I was simply trying to cheer them on as they pulled me along, saying something like come on you can do it! One of the guys stopped pulling me in the middle of the floor and said "we're trying ok." Before storming off, followed by the other boy. I felt so hurt and humiliated, I felt like I had cost the team the race even because I was "fat". I wasn't at the time, in fact I was a little underweight, but that was over ten years ago and even just writing about it now causes a lump to form in my throat.
Please, if you are suffering from depression or even think you are just in the starting stages, please don't keep it to yourself like I did. It's stolen years of my life, don't let it steal yours too! Talk to someone, even if it's just an online friend if talking to someone you know in real life is too daunting at first. Please, talk to someone who can help you through these feelings. Don't let it win.