A/N: Well, this is a first of many things- a first attempt at a Shizaya fic, a first attempt at a M rated story, and a first attempt at parody.


When Heiwajima Shizuo returned home that day, he found, laying on his couch reading a book, his penile receptacle, Izaya Orihara. Izaya watched him come in through the corner of his eyes, before returning to the book, smirking as he started to read it aloud.

"And she knelt down before his palpitating members, like a devotee before an idol, before taking it into her mouth. 'Oh Helen,' he cried, 'suck me, oh god, suck me.' He could feel his manhood melt in the pleasure of her skilled tongue. 'Oh God, oh God! I'm cumming.' Nothing came, from the base of his scrotum, his penis had entirely dissolved in her mouth."

Shizuo lifted an eyebrow at that. Izaya smiled cheekily, "Getting turned on, Shizu-kun?" He cleared his throat (Shizuo suspected, for effects) and continued reading. "...She laid down, watching John remove his trousers, revealing his erection, which stood, tall as a Cathedral spire and as thick as pudding. The mere sight of his penis made her wet. 'Oh, take me,' she said, her skin glazed and damp and her hair dripping from her wetness, 'give this slutty arse that magnificent dick.' He smile, and complied. Detaching his genitals, he extended it to her arse, who, received it with grace."

"Jeanne felt her whole body being filled with thick, warm cum, pouring rapidly and unceasingly, as if it were an river enraged, flooding and conquering. 'Fill me with your ejaculation!' She screamed at the anonymous well endowed man, watching as her husband, Mr Lavender, masturbate furiously- 'Yes! Yes!' She cried. Anonymous well endowed man was also screaming in pleasure as his thick rod was being milked by her love. When she was full, she installed anonymous well endowed man in her garden as a fountain, where the birds sometimes bathe themselves in his semen."

Izaya interrupted his reading once more, staring at Shizuo. "I see it has you all hot and flustered. Now, where was I, yes: Mr Lavender caressed the phallus of Helen's arse as he indulged in his voyeuristic activities, watching Helen and Jeanne enjoy the pleasures tribadism through a specially designed peep hole. They laid, side to side, rubbing their cunts together, their clitorises running down their slits, before colliding with each other, sending shockwaves of pleasure down their spines, into a wire specially designed, which fed into a 250 Watts electric bulb. 'Oh yes,' Jeanne moaned, finally reaching an orgasm. 'Oh yes! This better than any pleasure that any man can possibly give me. There is no love more pure and more pleasurable than that between two women. Man is a redundancy! A redundancy! Ah!'"

"In three months, Helen returned, smiling as Jeanne Lavender came out of the shower. In his bed, Mr Lavender was still asleep, still embracing the cock of Helen's arse. 'Guess what,' she said, 'I'm pregnant. And its yours.' Jeanne could not believe it, and immediately embraced her, excitedly leading her into her bedroom..."

At this, Shizuo finally snapped, taking of his clothes, he grabbed the book from Izaya's hand and kissing his neck.