Happy ever after :)
He looks beautiful sat here in front of me, even when he's crying and although I want to comfort him I can't right now. I have to finish what I've started; I need to tell him why I am so damaged. Telling him was the easy part; his listening nature soothed me a little, but the way he is looking at me now is a lot harder to swallow. I can see him analysing every bad thing I did to him, as though everything has finally fallen in to place, as if now he understands why and I didn't want that.
I don't want to excuse the way I treated him in the past, I don't want him to use this as a reason for all the abuse I put him through, because there is nothing that could justify that...nothing. Two wrongs don't make a right. I told him because I want to be honest with him, because I want to move on and I want us to move on together. His love is worth so much and I don't ever want to lose it and all the while I am breathing I won't.
When I was a kid I use to think that the world was beautiful, then Seamus stole my innocence, my right to have a normal life and the world soon became ugly and sometimes I just wanted it all to end. But now with him it's beautiful again and I will cherish him forever if he lets me. I won't hurt him again; I'd rather take my own life first. He is there for me...of course he is, where else would he be? And his words mean so much now. He is my light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
Seamus spent years putting me down, it was all I knew. I didn't have the pleasure of a father's love, at least not in the way I should've. I used to hear his footsteps at night and I would lay there and wonder if I was going to get a punch or feel his breath on my neck. I'd pray for the beating every time, but sometimes I got both. I used to ask god, why? Why me? What did I ever do so wrong? But it wasn't about me, the same as it wasn't about him every time I lashed out.
I never told him this, but every time I hit him, it was Seamus's face I saw. He told me I was bad for so long, that in the end I became the person he said I was. I believed every word because he was my Da and I didn't know any better. My life wasn't my own, he controlled everything and all I ever wanted was to break free from him, from the life that made me believe that being abused was normal. Because of him I couldn't get close to my own kids, he took so much away from me.
But he...Steven is still here believing in me despite everything and I know that I don't deserve him, especially when he could do so much better for himself. Part of me wishes that he would hate me, so that he could find someone perfect for him, but then when we are together I know that no one could love him more than I do. I will make him proud of me, no matter how long it takes. I want him to always know how much he means to me simply because he is all I see.
He promises me a future and I want to believe him, it's what I want more than anything. He kisses me with urgency as if that's all it takes to cement our lives together forever and in that moment...that kiss, I know that he's not going anywhere and that this could really happen for us. This is our time now; we have been through so much. Surly karma must be on our side now. I like who I am when were together and I want him with all of my heart, for as long as he'll have me. Maybe he's right, maybe this is our happy every after.
Please review xx xx xx
