Lister awoke to Holly's frantic shouts of "Intruder Alert! Intruder alert! Wake up ya big smegheads!"

Groaning, Lister managed to pull himself into a sitting position. "Shut that smegging thing off, Hol. What's going on?"

"Honestly, Lister what part of intruder alert don't you get?" replied Red Dwarf's A.I. computer, rolling her eyes. "There's an intruder on board!"

Lister jumped down from the top of his bunk bed and prodded his roommate Rimmer awake. "Com'n Rimmer, time to get up. Holly thinks there's an intruder onboard."

"THINKS?!" snorted Holly looking very annoyed. "I know there's an intruder!"

"Yeah right." mumbled Rimmer, his hologramatic feet hitting the floor without a sound. "Last time you said that we ended up finding one of Lister's shirts."

"Oi, which was a mistake anybody could have made." Holly answered defensively. "I mean I was picking up life signs from it."

Rimmer crawled back into his bunk and relaxed under the light sheets. Holly would eventually give up and he could journey to his dream world where he was captain of Red Dwarf. Yes, in his dreams he made his father proud. It was perfect there…

"OI SAID WAKE UP!" shouted Holly, tearing through his thoughts. Rimmer's heart jumped into his throat as his body began to move without his consent. It pushed him out of bed and forced him to stand upright. Rimmer's blue striped pajamas were replaced by his tan uniform. Oh Holly, when I get my hands on you I'm going to kill you.

Out of the corner of his eye, Rimmer could see Lister grinning smugly. "Oh, stop that!" Rimmer hissed. He turned to find a very cross looking Holly glaring at him from the mirror. "Alright you daft old machine, where do you think the smegging intruder is?"

"Storage bay F." Holly replied her face returning to deadpan. "By the way we're dealing with four intruders, three human and one unknown."

"Aliens!" Rimmer bolted upright, now completely awake. "I knew it!"

"For the last time Rimmer, there are no aliens!" cried Lister. "Every time something happens it's aliens! That's all we ever hear!"

"There are aliens and they will give me a new body!" Rimmer insisted. "I'm certain of it."

"Hello you two," Holly called. "We still have intruders in case you've forgotten."

"All right Hols, we're coming." Lister answered. Holly gave a curt nod and vanished from the screen. "Com'n," Lister said as he turned to Rimmer. "Let's go look at these "invaders"."

The two men walked down the hallway, their feet causing the metal to echo. For the first time in millions of years Red Dwarf was going to have visitors…