[ Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the computer I type this from. I am broke, except for twenty dollars in my pocket, so suing me would be a waste of time, eh?

Warnings: Shounen-ai, etc.. You know the drill. Also, I know that Duo/Quatre is a *very* unlikely pair, but I've fallen in love with the characters of both. I'd like to note that I doubt this would ever happen in anywhere but the 'fics of crazed fangirls.]


Setting: Duo is about to commit suicide (for unknown reasons, at this point), and is writing a letter to whoever finds him.


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To whomever it may concern,

Have you ever questioned where you were? I mean, really wondered why you were at the point you were at. Why everything you've done just kind of melted together to make something new, something that just... fit. Or why you weren't somewhere else, why luck didn't chip in and give you everything you desired and more, why fate had to deal you a bad hand and leave you in a worse state than you started. I've already asked myself why I had to turn out like I did... Now I don't need to ask.

I've learned that my life is what it is, take it or leave it, love it or loathe it. I've found that true contentment isn't always a stable home and a fixed lifestyle. I've found something better than seeking ideals in a world where everyone's doing the same, and I've come to realize that, in all my years, I've never really lived up to anything but those same ideals, those same little ideals that scar minds around the world.

He always told me that I was something special. I used to believe that, but now I see that, in his eyes, everything's special.

I was never perfect, not in the way he wanted me to be. His innocent face, unmarred by time or toil, hate or death, was not mine. The world he saw through those pale blue eyes of his was far more rose-tinted than the one my violet eyes would ever see, could ever see. And the way the sun seemed to live in his blonde hair, the way he seemed to glide through life, not letting anything stop him from spreading joy... I could never be that way. My heart was as black as the clothing I wore; no sunlight dared live in my dark braid; the cross I carried wasn't emotional, not anymore at least, and it was mine alone.

Maybe it was a bad case of hero-worship, as some would call it.. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be the shining one, the one you could always turn to for a new, brighter perspective. I wanted to be loved by all, and yet still be somewhat subdued. I envied everything about him, but I never stopped and thought of who I was. My basic mind was that to achieve perfection, I only needed to become my own version of him.. I thought he'd want that. But I guess I didn't know him enough to know that he wouldn't.

We'd worked together for years, as Gundam pilots, two separate souls and yet one entity, one fighting being of higher power. We won, and we lost together. Loved, and despised. Saved, and slaughtered. It's almost funny how, when I think back on it, I never wondered where he came from, or how he got hold of his Gundam. Was he like me? Was it his only route in life? Or was it something more meaningful? That first time I battled with him at my side, just me and him, I hadn't thought much on who sat within the mech. It was when he told me why we were fighting, why he had to show the other Gundam pilots what we were doing... Then I was curious. Shinigami rarely gets curious about an individual, though it seemed that he and another pilot, Heero Yuy, were exceptions. But Heero is another story, and a different kind of worship altogether..

And when he had opened his doors to me, letting me into his home, a secret to the outside world... I knew he wasn't like me at all. This wasn't a pilot who had dealings with death.. I, on the other, was death. He was no leader, no, but the whole village seemed to love him all the same, he and the men who battled with him. Revelation after revelation, that was how it was for me. Quatre Raberba Winner.. That what he called himself, plain and simple. Here we were, barely even friends, and he was already introducing himself as one. How could I ignore the gesture of friendship? I already felt strangely content around him, as if he created a shield between the battle I had faced and what I was in now. So I told him my name, too: I was Duo Maxwell, and I may run and hide, but I never lie.. He actually laughed, but not at me. Good-naturedly. Revelation.

We would laugh together, and slowly our friendship grew. He was no longer the pilot of the unknown Gundam, an unexpected ally with a level head that helped to unite the others. He was a person, a person with their own life, a caring boy who was a bit too deep in affairs that were meant for adults. I admired how he could shoulder so much responsibility and still come off as what he did. Me, I could never be like that.. I was too foul, too twisted, too messed up, but I would try. Lord, would I try! I found myself risking it all to make him smile, and make that load he carried a bit lighter. He didn't deserve so much pain. I did, but not him.

Did I love him? Maybe.. I don't know. Now that I think back on it, I see I was never sure. I followed his example blindly, while still keeping up my own air. I was the joyful reaper, the smiling Shinigami, only half of what Quatre was. He could smile without malice, and he could laugh with acid in his tone. He could be happy without tricking his heart into believing in false hopes. But did I love him, because of that? Because I wanted to be him, because I admired him so? Again, I don't know....

So what if I did? Does it matter? Because, if I did, it wasn't mutual.. I was a meek follower, stumbling towards a greater good I'd never reach, like one who followed a religion only because they were afraid of fire and brimstone. I was only a kid.. We were all only kids, if only physically. We were still changing, still rebellious, still trying to cope with a world that wouldn't slow down for us. I let pure admiration twist itself into a faux feeling of love, when I didn't love him at all, at least not that way. I loved him as a friend, I loved him as an ally, and I loved all his virtues, his qualities, his innocence.

I loved him.

I loved how he accepted me without questions, and how he let me talk to him. In times of peace, before Mariemaia and her army, I lived with Heero... Those were some of the best times, and worst times, in my life. Months of tension, of worry, of joy, of sorrow, of depression, of lust.. He was the perfect soldier, and I was the perfect escape from a world that shunned our kind, the soldiers. But Quatre was out there, somewhere, and, some nights, as I lay beside Heero, passion spent and sleep beginning to claim me, I often remembered his face, his smile.. Where was he now? Did he even remember me?

Of course he did. He loved everyone, everyone was his friends. Even me, the God of Death, the Great Destroyer. You cared about me too, didn't you, Quatre? Though I suppose you'll never get to tell me otherwise. Oh, you never loved me, I know that. I was your friend, like everyone else was, nothing special. I was not above nor was I below any others. I loved how you could put everyone on an equal stand. But you can take me off that list of friends, now. I tried to be you, and I guess I failed.. You'd never hurt a soul if you didn't need to, much less yourself.

This is getting nowhere. Are you crying by now, Quatre? Is it you that's reading this? You know what, I don't even think I give a damn anymore. I bet you are crying, and I don't want you to. I don't want anyone to cry over me. Heero tried to kill himself, before, and no one cried, though they didn't know if he was alive or dead. I want it to be the same for me. But if you're going to cry, any of you, I suppose I won't care, because I'll be gone by then. And if I don't go through with it, you won't be reading this anyway.. Cat-chan, are you crying yet? Are you?

So I bid you all farewell. If you need a smile, a laugh, a joke, you won't be able to turn to me.. Turn to Quatre. He deserves to be turned to, because he wants to help. I don't. I loved you Quatre, and I guess I'm just being selfish, or stupid. Now I'm starting to cry... I don't do crying. I make people cry, and not the other way around.

So, do you ever question where you're going in life? I used to, but that was before I met Quatre. I don't deserve to live in his perfect world.. So now I know where I belong. I know where my life needs to go........

.........to Hell, with the rest of the my soul.



Yours,

Duo Maxwell
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