A/N: The first part in an unplanned set of short stories. I recently listened to the soundtrack for If/Then, which is a new musical starring Idina Menzel (she sings Let It Go in Frozen). The show is based around the two paths a woman named Elizabeth could take in her life. A number of the songs reminded me of The Hunger Games for some reason. As a kind of writing challenge, I'm going to combine the two. This will be a collection of short stories inspired by certain songs that will show the path not taken in the original books. This scene is based off of "You Don't Need To Love Me" sung by Anthony Rapp, if anyone's curious. You can find it on youtube.
I tend to over-analyze my writing until I talk myself out of posting it. I'll be posting these stories shortly after finishing them. I'll likely borrow lines and bits from the books and then veer off from there. Enjoy!
"Peeta, how come I never know when you're having a nightmare?" I say.
"I don't know. I don't think I cry out or thrash around or anything. I just come to, paralyzed with terror," he says.
"You should wake me," I say, thinking about how I can interrupt his sleep two or three times on a bad night. About how long it can take to calm me down.
"It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you," he says. "I'm okay once I realize you're here."
Peeta makes comments like this in such an offhand way, and it's like being hit in the gut. He's only answering my question honestly. He's not pressing me to reply in kind, to make any declaration of love. But I still feel awful, as if I've been using him in some terrible way. Have I? I don't know. I only know that for the first time, I feel immoral about him being here in my bed. Which is ironic since we're officially engaged now.
In his usual way, he seems to know what I'm thinking. Before him, I used to think I was so good at containing my feelings. He continues to gently brush his fingers over my hair and forehead, "I don't say things like that to make you feel bad. I know it's not the same for you."
"I know. I asked. I just feel, I don't know, guilty?" I say, looking away from him, "Like maybe I'm using you."
"I think the word you're looking for is 'protecting'. You're protecting me." He says, teasingly, "We protect each other."
I don't really know what to say to that, so I don't say anything. Peeta's fingers pause in my hair and he lets out a little sigh. We're so close, still laying in bed, that I can feel his breath ruffle my hair. His finger turns my chin back up so I'm looking at him again.
"I prefer this. We're honest this way. I don't need you to make me any promises." He says, "I was more angry after the last games. I felt used then. It took some time to realize that you had saved me. Together we did something that has never happened before, two victors from the same games. I'm just glad that things are better between us. I can't imagine losing you."
I nod and I can't fight a smile when Peeta's hands go back to playing with my hair. The silence between us is much more comfortable. I'm surprised when Peeta keeps speaking. I didn't realize he had more to say.
"It might be better that you don't need me." He says, an odd chuckle in his voice, "If you needed me, you'd feel suffocated. You wouldn't be able to work with me to try and survive this. This way, we can be self-reliant and yet together - a team. You'll always have me when you need me, but it won't bother you that I won't walk away from this because you'll be able to."
"I won't walk away from this either. You have me too, you know." I say, realizing that he has yet to say anything about what he's getting out of the deal besides his life, "If you need me to lean on, I'm here. I know it's not love, but it's something."
"It's more than something, Katniss." He says, laughing, "It's good to know that there's someone always there when things get tough. It's one of the only things that makes me feel safe anymore."
Safe. Honest. A team. It all sounds so unappealing after the passion he showed during the Games. I know it's what I wanted. I don't love him the way he loves me and I can't pretend that I do to make him feel better. I respect him too much to lie to him. Somehow, I think he understands that. Maybe that's why he's so okay with this now.
"It will all be worse when we're home." Peeta admits, "It's so lonely in that house."
"We might be lonely, but we don't have to be apart again." I say, feeling for the first time that I've said the right thing for a change.
His smile is so like the one I saw the first time we were together again after the Games that I think my heart actually skips a beat. It's the first time that Peeta has looked like Peeta since the last time we were on the train. I'm more relieved than I care to admit. I was afraid that I had killed that Peeta by telling him the truth. This is the boy who threw me two small loaves of bread that saved my family, the boy who took a beating to do so. He's the boy I've always wanted to thank. In my way, I think I am.
I'm surprised when he rolls me onto my back and presses a kiss to my forehead, "This is what I've wanted. You don't need to love me to let me help you through this. Let me do that. That's what I need. We'll get married in the Capitol, but I'll never expect you to give me your heart. I can't break it then. We can make this work for us, Katniss. We can make it something good."
Another first, Peeta's words don't fill me with comfort. Something about them makes me feel ill. I open my mouth to say something, I'm not even sure what. Maybe I should be glad that he presses his finger to my lips to keep me from speaking, but I'm not, "Remember, I don't need you to make me any promises."
He so sure that my answer is never. It's like the opposite side of Gale's coin. Gale seemed sure that there was something between us and that I'd eventually realize it, too. It's almost like they both expect me to never change my mind. If I've learned anything from being a tribute and then a victor, it's that nothing in life is absolute. There are a number of decisions that I made when I was younger that have since been taken out of my hands. I took all the tesserae for our family so Prim's name would never be drawn, but her first reaping Effie picked Prim's slip. I was never going to marry, but the ring on my finger says otherwise. Just because I don't love Peeta with the same devotion he has for me, doesn't mean I never will. It seems unlikely that I'll have a choice, since I will be Missus Mellark in almost no time.
Of course, I can't say any of those things to him now. I doubt I could ever say those things to him. Instead, I grab his hand and pull it away from my mouth, "Peeta. Let's just take this one step at a time, okay?"
His blue eyes go wide. I don't know what those words mean to him, but I can see that they've made an impression. Thankfully, he only nods and says, "Okay. One step at a time."
"Some of those steps better be towards the dining car or I'm going to let Effie come get you like she's been threatening since she first heard your voices."
We both startle at the sound of Haymitch's voice outside of the door. I can practically hear the smile in his voice. I growl out an obscenity or two under my breath, making Peeta chuckle. He sits up, stretching and replies, "Alright, Haymitch, we're coming. Katniss just needs to figure out where I tossed her pants last night."
"Peeta!" I cry, hitting him with my pillow. I know that my cheeks are bright red.
Haymitch's uproarious laughter echoes down the hall. Peeta pulls my pillow out of my hands and climbs over me to get off the bed. He's taken to leaving a few changes of clothes in a drawer in my room so he can change without going to his own room. I busy myself with making the bed as he changes, giving him privacy that he doesn't seem to care about.
I realize that if the rest of my mornings were like this one, it wouldn't be so terrible. It might not be what I wanted, but like Haymitch says, I could have done much worse than Peeta. He catches my eye as he rolls the door to my room open and gives me a smile that warms me to my toes. Much worse, I agree silently in my head. For the first time in months, I think that things might be okay.
