Don Frodo of the Shire
At a village of the Shire, whose name I withhold to protect the innocent, there lived a little while ago one of those gentlemen who are wont to carry a sword instead of a walking-stick, and desire to be thought fierce. His "family" consisted of an elderly, slightly senile uncle and a young lad named Samwise who puttered around in the garden, ran errands, and helped with cooking. Indeed, this gentleman had other relatives, the Sackville-Baggins family, but he refused to acknowledge them, and the feeling was mutual.
You must know that this gentleman in his leisure moments (which was most of the year) gave himself up entirely to the reading of stories of great adventure and perilous quests. Above all he valued those written by his uncle Bilbo on account of his great clarity of style. For Bilbo's stories contained such expressions as "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit, who on the whole was whole-heartedly content to dwell in his wholly inhabitable hobbit-hole." These and similar passages confused the poor gentleman's mind, for he lay awake at night trying to decipher their meaning, which in truth he could never have learned even had he taken the book to the top of Taniquetel and shoved it under Manwe's nose, and said, "Pray tell me, esteemed Sulimo, what is the meaning of this phrase?" For Manwe would have sat there blinking in bewilderment, and in all probability would have ordered his eagles to drop the book and its owner into the deepest part of the Encircling Sea.
At last, having lost his wits completely, this don assigned himself an epic quest. He believed that it was necessary that he should take his uncle's ring, and, accompanied by only a few loyal companions, carry it to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor, and there cast it into the fires from whence it supposedly came. Setting this harebrained plan in motion required several months of plotting and scheming on his part. This gentleman, who was named either Freddy or Frito but had determined to call himself Don Frodo, first set about persuading his uncle to take a long vacation. With that accomplished, Frodo, at great peril to his chances of inheriting anything, crept into his uncle's room and pilfered the Ring, his uncle's old mail shirt, and Sting, his uncle's sword.
Frodo fancied this a great deed, fully in accordance with the family tradition of burglary and other misdemeanors; however, it was not so dangerous as he thought. Frodo probably could have stolen the bed his uncle slept in, and the old man wouldn't have noticed a thing.
Frodo waved to his departing uncle. "Good bye, Bilbo! Have a good time! Don't forget to write! Watch out for the S-Bs!"
That earned a smile from the old fellow. "Good bye, my dear boy. I know you shall miss me terribly-"
"Yes, terribly."
"-but it really is time for me to do some traveling. Good bye!" Bilbo stumped off down the road, leading a pony with all of his baggage.
The moment Bilbo turned around a corner and out of sight, Don Frodo jumped inside, slammed the door shut, and double-bolted it. "Now that I am concealed from all eyes," he said, "I shall begin preparations for my perilous journey." Dashing about like one possessed, he accumulated a giant pile of food, clothing, camping equipment, and other necessities. Then he surveyed this great store of goods. "It would seem that I shall need more than one pony; perhaps I should take Sam with me. After all, it is not fitting that anyone should attempt such a deed by himself and deprive all others of the chance of winning glory."
Don Frodo went down to his beer-cellar and roused Samwise. "Wake up, sluggard! Do you want to help save the world from the forces of evil?"
Sam sat up sleepily and stared disconsolately at an empty mug. "What's that?"
"I said, do you want to help save the world? Go forth, explore new lands, make perilous journeys, endure terrible hardships, face numerous foes, and journey to the Land of Shadow to destroy an ancient evil?"
"Hmmm . . ." Sam rubbed his eyes and thought it over. "Will the pay be any good?"
"Doubtless, we shall find troll-hoards, capture great store of weapons and other valuables from our foes, and be presented with splendid gifts by grateful rulers."
"Count me in then," said Sam. "I know which side my bread's buttered on, and I have an eye for the main chance. On the other hand, they say that curiosity killed the cat, and there's many a slip 'twixt-"
"That will be enough, Samwise. Go and get your pony, but tell no one that you are going anywhere. The Enemy seeks the Ring I carry."
"You mean old Bilbo's ring? Is it magic?"
Don Frodo looked both ways to make sure that they were alone, and then leaned closer to Sam. "It is an artifact of great and terrible power, but it is even more deadly than that. For it contains the will of Sauron, and always works to return to his hand."
Samwise was surprisingly gung-ho about this news. "Well, let's get going then. It's the job you never start as takes longest to finish." After taking another mug of beer to fortify himself for the road ahead, he hurried off.
Don Frodo and his squire sallied forth under cover of darkness, for the Sackville-Bagginses lived two doors down from Frodo, and their favorite pastime was to watch his activities to gather ammunition for malicious gossip. Nevertheless, it was with some difficulty that Frodo persuaded Samwise not to sing marching songs and shout cheery farewells to every house they passed.
"What would my old gaffer say if he could see me now?" Sam asked. After thinking about it for a while, he answered his own questions. "He'd probably say, 'Don't get too big for your britches, my lad, and don't count your chickens before they're hatched,' as well as-"
"And undoubtably, he would have many other useful proverbs, which I will thank you not to repeat here."
Now you should not think that Don Frodo's departure passed totally unnoticed. The next morning, Meriadoc Brandybuck came 'round to talk with Frodo, with the intention of getting a free breakfast in the process. He knocked on Frodo's round green door, but no one answered. This caused him some concern since Don Frodo was usually an early riser. He immediately hurried to the house of Peregrin Took, who was a friend of both Merry and Frodo.
"Don Frodo won't answer his door," he said. "That by itself wouldn't be such a cause for concern, but Sam isn't there either. I'm afraid that good old Frodo has gone off one one of those adventures he's always talking about."
"Don't worry so much, Merry. He's a Baggins; Bagginses don't have -" Here Pippin stopped suddenly. His face fell, and he leaped out of his chair. "His uncle! Bagginses do have adventures! I'll wager that old fool has persuaded Frodo to try something-"
"No! Don't you remember? Bilbo went away last Tuesday. Whatever trouble Frodo's in, he's in it by himself."
"Not by himself, didn't you say Sam was gone as well? A Elbereth! Rosie will raise Udun if she finds out what's happened. We must bring them back, Merry, and do it at once, before they or anyone else comes to harm."
Merry paced rapidly back and forth in Pippin's dining-room. "But how are we going to do it? I think Frodo has that sword of his uncle's, and he's a bit cracked. I don't wish to die at a young age, which in my lexicon means anything less than one hundred."
"When in Camelot, do as the Camelotians do."
"You mean we should bring him back by acting silly?"
"No, we must contrive some sort of hare-brained legend, and cause him to think that coming back is the chivalrous thing to do, or something like that. I'll run over to the Smials and borrow some old mathoms which I think might come in handy. You see if you can find about five yards of that creepy gray fabric that Mrs. Boffin was using for spiderwebs last Halloween."
"Right." Merry and Pippin went to retrieve these useful articles, so panicked that they left their second breakfast entirely uneaten. Not that the food was wasted; the inhabitants of this portion of the Shire have a nigh-magical ability to sense unattended food, and they are not above committing a bit of B & E to get at it.
