I haven't been home since Tuesday she thought to herself. Now Thursday, Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord was beginning to realise that although she loved the job and its merits it was taxing, she was exhausted and hungry and longed to be at home with the kids and Henry but at the same time the wholesome virtue that came the job was far too much for her to give up.
Elizabeth looked up just as Blake's head peeked around the corner of her office door "Ms Langley is on the line for you secretary McCord"
"Ms Lang-who?" she said. Clearly scrolling through possible mid-Thursday callers in her mind.
Blake gave her a confused look and covered the speaker "Ms Langley. The deputy principle at Alison's school, she said she could call back if now isn't a good time"
"Oh" said flatly before realising that the call was somewhat unprecedented and unusual.
"No, its fine. Put her through please Blake" trying to calm the obvious panic that suddenly began to arise in her voice.
The phone began to sound and her hands clumsily reached for the handset bringing it up to her ear.
"Hi Ms Langley, this is Elizabeth McCord speaking"
"Well thank you for taking my call Ms McCord, Doctor McCord was in the middle of a meeting and I thought it be best to get in touch with one of you as soon as possible" Ms Langley's voice chimed through
"Is everything alright" She could feel her voice beginning to get that tremble. Calm down, irrational fear began clouding her mind.
"Everything is perfectly fine Ms McCord, no need to worry. I would just like to schedule another appointment for Alison's parent teacher interviews tomorrow if that is possible?" Ms Langley's voice came through.
Parent teacher interviews. She had completely forgotten.
"Yes, of course with who may I ask?" She blurted, becoming somewhat distracted.
"With me if that is ok, I don't want to alarm you. Everything is just fine, however I think it best if we had a bit of a chat after Alison's last interview" Ms Langley's voice more gentle now.
"Yes of course" she tried her best to sound positive even with her racing anxious mind trying to rob her of her sanity, "We will see you tomorrow Ms Langley"
"Thank you Ms McCord, I look forward to meeting you"
She heard the line disconnect.
Alison spoke highly of Ms Langley, the young and enthusiastic deputy at her school. It must be good news and award possibly? It didn't matter, she would find out tomorrow. Nevertheless she found it difficult to ignore the pushing feeling in her chest that something was wrong.
"Is everything alright Sectary McCord" Blake peered at her, he looked so concerned, he was such a nice boy to have around.
"Everything is perfectly fine Blake" thank you for asking, letting a smile spread across her lips in her most deceiving manner.
"Alright, good" Blake said sounding convinced.
God she was lucky she was CIA, she could fool almost anyone, shielding her emotions behind a façade of confidence and power. That is, fooling everyone except Henry.
"Your car is here to escort you to your 4:00 appointment" Blake began more sternly this time.
He knew it was a car taking her across Washington to Dr Sherman's office. She always made excuses to why she couldn't go see the therapist. She was always too busy; had too many meetings to attend or too many reports to complete.
He knew she needed help, not many other people noticed it but he did. The breaking of a glass during a meeting, or the screeching of wheels on tarmac outside of her office as a car came to a sudden halt any loud noises would send her into a spiral of panic and frenzy. First her pupils would dilate she would begin to shake or fiddle with pens and paper, then her breathing would quicken and she would promptly make an excuse to leave.
"Thank you Blake" She felt butterflies begin to dance around her stomach. She felt oddly embarrassed and ashamed that Blake knew she was going to a therapist. She had always strongly believed in seeking help with mental illness and had worked in her family to ensure that any negative connotations surrounding mental health were lifted. Nevertheless she cringed as she felt Blake's concerned eyes on her.
She fumbled with her red coat draped across the back of her chair avoiding eye contact with Blake feeling flustered, cloaking it around her as Blake escorted her to the car parked at the front of the building. Blake didn't usually escort her to the car but for trips to the doctor it was an unwritten rule they both knew. If he weren't there she would veer of her path and end up back in her office without having ever left the building.
"Thank you Blake" she said, as they reached the car, her voice sounding tired. Once the car door was closed and her seatbelt buckled she laid back letting her cheeks rest against the cool glass of the window and letting her exhausted body and mind drift off into a light sleep.
Alison sat at her desk, running her hand back and forth along the cool wood her left leg visibly shaking eyes focused on the paper in front of her trying to ignore the nasty sneers arising from the desks behind her "loser" she heard someone say through a cough in an attempt to mask it from the teacher. It worked; allowing it to ring loud and clear to Alison as it had been intended.
"Alison?" Mr Pitt said concerned.
"Sorry sir, I don't know" Alison mumbled. She hadn't really been listening.
"That's ok Alison" Mr Pitt said surprised. Alison was his top French literature student and had been sitting consistently on an A+ for the entire semester. She knows that answer he concluded looking at her confused then noticing her shaking legs and panicked expression coupled with those glistening eyes he knew only too well from teaching middle school for so long.
Mr Pitt, like all the other teachers knew the difficulty's Alison had been facing over the past weeks. In an attempt to distract the class and remove the pupil's eyes from burning a hole in the back of Alison head he suggested everyone complete the review questions at the back of the textbook in groups.
The class moved around hastily and Alison looked up panicked, a pained expression spread across her face.
Mr Pitt hastily flicked an email off to the deputy principle before leaning down next to Alison and quietly whispering into her ear "I think it would be best if you headed up to the front office; they are expecting you" as a sympathetic smile spread across his lips in an attempt to console her.
"Ok" Alison said trying to sound confidently and unfazed but it was obvious she was trying ever so hard to hold back tears. She quietly gathered her textbooks and files and ventured out into the corridor before walking up to the vast frosted glass doors of the office.
Elizabeth sat on a large faded red chair fiddling with her necklace, eyes fixed to the floor.
"Sectary McCord" Dr Sherman greeted her.
"Please call me Elizabeth, I feel like I'm being interrogated" she forced a laugh.
"I apologise Elizabeth" Dr Sherman replied. "How are you?"
"Fine" she said flatly, her eyes slowly returning to the floor. Apparently trying to solve the disagreements that arose across the world each day was in her forte, this on the other hand was not.
"How are you finding work" the Dr tried again to ignite any sort of exchange between the two "emotionally I mean, do you feel as if everything is manageable?"
She bit her lip breathing in deeply as she did so. "No, not really" she said almost whimpering. She could feel tears starting to catch in her throat. She hated this.
"It's ok Elizabeth, I wouldn't expect you to feel ok" she replied kindly "would you like to tell me why?"
"I don't know" tears began to slide down her cheek.
"Its ok Elizabeth, just take a deep breath, are you still experiencing panic attacks frequently" the Dr asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes" she choked.
"Are you treating them in anyway? The Xanax I prescribed you possibly?" Dr Sherman asked hopefully.
"No. I can't" she breathed in deeply "I don't want to".
"That's ok Elizabeth, is there a reason you don't want or feel you can't take medication?" she said while brushing a thick strand of brunette hair back behind her ear.
"Because I am fine" she said trying to sit upright and compose herself. She really hated to cry, especially when Henry wasn't there to hold her and comfort her.
"Elizabeth you have lost a lot of people close to you recently and the ordeal you experienced in Iran" she began "I can assure you that it is completely natural and understood not to feel fine"
"I know" she managed, her breathing becoming laboured. Already feeling vulnerable and nervous just the word 'Iran' caused a whirlwind of emotions to pass over her. The familiar tingling in her hands and quickening heartbeat informed her of the oncoming panic attack.
"Deep breath in Elizabeth" Dr Sherman said reassuringly "everything will be just fine".
Alison sat in the corridor next to Ms Langley's office, the stark white walls making her feel small and vulnerable. She could feel her eyes were puffy and red from holding back tears, wondering if it would have just been easier to go to the bathrooms in the English block and cry like she usually did.
Alison had always been very pretty, a quiet achiever not to mention all those boys chasing after her. She had it all. She appeared to have it all anyway. Making her a perfect target for snide comments, harassment and bullying.
It began with graffiti in the girls bathroom, on her locker, stolen books and pens not to mention being tripped over in the halls more than once; a crowd of laughing peers surrounding her. But she didn't want to worry her parents, her studies still exceeding all and any expectations. She wanted more than anything to be strong like her mother was.
"Alison" Ms Langley called looking sadly at the student sitting outside her office.
Alison nodded, following the deputy into her office, subconsciously crossing her arms as if to protect herself.
This wasn't Alison first visit to Ms Langley's office regarding the torment, and she really was trying to help. She personally understood just how nasty students could be to each other.
"I would like to do everything I can to rectify this situation Alison" Ms Langley spoke softly. She had always admired Alison and her quiet yet confident demeanour.
Alison looked away embarrassed, feeling suddenly uncomfortable in her own skin. She hated to talk about this, she just wanted to disappear.
"I am planning to pull the executive team together so that we can discuss our options again" Ms Langley sighed "This is one of the most sever cases of bullying we have seen in years"
"I would like to change some of my classes" Alison replied still looking at the floor.
"We can arrange that, but I have made an appointment for your mother and father to discuss some options with me tomorrow" Ms Langley said trying to maintain eye contact with Alison's shy brown eyes.
Elizabeth stood at the front door, trying her best to compose herself before seeing the kids, not to mention Henry. She slid her hand over the brass knob letting herself into the warmth of the house, the smell of roast chicken filling her lungs.
"Hi guys" she smiled as she embraced her children as they ran over to see her. Most kids were to old to be running to the door to greet their mother, but the McCord kids had a mum who worked long hours and had been in harms way more than once so they all made an exception.
"Smells great in here" she said cheerfully smiling at her wonderful children.
"You alright Noodle?" She asked noticing something was off about Alison.
"Yeah Mum, just hungry" she replied, dodging eye contact. A sign her mother knew too well: something definitely was wrong.
Stevie, Jason and Alison all scuttled off into the kitchen to finish cooking dinner laughing and teasing each other as they went.
She began to unbutton her coat, Henry entered slowly putting his arms around her waist from behind holding her tightly.
"Good day?" Henry asked hopeful.
"Mmhm" She replied looking down at her coat.
Henry leaned in closer to his wife whispering in her ear "everything go well today" referring to her appointment.
"Yup" she replied quickly.
Knowing not to push it, Henry deposited a quick kiss on her cheek before reaching down for her hand and leading her into the kitchen for tea. Roast chicken and salad Stevie had prepared.
Henry watched his wife from across the table; she was animated and cheerful around the kids engaging in normal McCord dinner table banter.
She played a bit with her food leaving most of the chicken and she watched Alison closely.
She was beginning to recover from Iran but they both knew there was a long road ahead.
Elizabeth scraped her plate into the bin beneath the sink suddenly feeling her chest restrict and breathing quicken. She instantly tried to employ the deep breathing technique she had learnt today in an attempt to calm her racing body and mind. To no avail, she hastily made an excuse to go to the bedroom not wanting her kids to see her like this.
Just making it up the stairs was a challenge and as soon as she reached the room she collapsed against the wall in a shaky ball of hyperventilation and tears. The image of the bullet entering Minister Javani's head played on repeat in her mind.
She heard Henry enter.
"Hey, hey its ok" Henry said softly as he sat down next to her wrapping his arms protectively around her body.
Finally her breathing slowed, heart stopped racing and after what seemed like an eternity she began to calm, climbing over to sit on Henrys lap facing him, resting her head against his strong shoulders.
Emotions welled up inside of her "Thank you" she managed.
He looked at her, gently brushing a golden lock of hair out of her eyes "I don't think you need to thank me" he stared into her eyes "would you like to talk about it?".
"I'm not ready" she stared back.
"I will be here when you are, I promise" he whispered into her ear.
They sat there for an hour, at least, talking about their day. How many times she had been called into the situation room – too many being the favourable answer and how many rigorous debates Henry had with 'engaged' students.
Finally, his lips reached over to his wife, his hands pulling her close to him, allowing there skin to touch, his hands running down to the small of her back and around her waist as she entwined her fingers behind his neck. Kissing passionately, he held his wife's hips as she knelt over him, her waist rocking gently in his hands.
Slowly they broke away from each, eyes still locked.
She yawned, lying against Henry. She loved the feel of his skin against hers.
"I think that it may be time for bed Madam Secretary" Henry said flirtingly.
"Yes" she said her lips brushing over his one last time.
He helped her unbutton her pants and remove her loose white chiffon blouse revealing her protruding ribs she it getting far too thin Henry thought as he slid a small grey singlet over chest. She stood there lifeless from exhaustion as Henry finished helping her get dressed.
They both crawled into bed, and with her head resting on his chest she drifted off to sleep.
