Tiger Mask's Guide to Picking Up Hot Chicks
By DevilsArcadia777
Story: After hearing that the guys of Chagecha's rebellion are having hard times with the opposite sex, Tiger Mask decides to give them some advice. And apparently, the advice he has sucks. A lot.
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Rating: M
Contains: Suggestive humor, language, and explicit sexual situations
Disclaimer: The little amount of Chagecha that exists belongs to Yoshio Sawai…wah!
-C-
Two-Shot Special: Tiger Mask's Guide to Picking Up Hot Chicks
The sun was shining and reflecting on the hot pavement of the streets of Gure-Tokyo on what was expected to be another hectic day for Chagecha and his gang. Surprisingly, none of the high schools were about this morning, and it was eerily quiet. To compensate, Chagecha, Masato, Himawari, Tiger Mask, Washio, Kotarou, Longhorn Onizawa, and Doraji all agreed on eating breakfast at a nearby café, which would've been nice if Doraji hadn't somehow illegally attained a flare gun. The nine-year-old was obviously wrecking havoc.
"BAM!" Little Doraji shouted as he flare-shot a nearby mailbox. He giggled and giggled as he watched a penguin that appeared out of nowhere run from another shot.
"Doraji! Stop it!" Washio shouted, holstering the nine-year-old by his shoulders. That didn't stop him from nearly shooting a fat man wearing fishnet clothing. The rest of the group began to grow upset, and the manager began to get cranky.
"Will you just change that stupid kid!? If he don't shut up, I'm kickin' you all out!" The manager shouted.
"Just give me a minute…" Washio lifted Doraji up and blew a "raspberry" into his belly, causing him to drop the gun and kick and scream.
"Stop thaaat! You know how much I hate that!" Doraji screamed.
"Would you rather I sing a lullaby instead?" Washio taunted.
"NOOO!"
"ROCK-A-BY-BABY IN A NUCLEAR WASTE PIT,
WHEN THE WIND BLOWS, THE CHUPACABRA'S
GONNA MUTILATE YOUUUU-"
"Okay, I'll shut up! Waah! I hate it when you sing to me!" Doraji immediately became quiet and pouted upon sitting back down. The manager took the flare gun away and reported it off with a warning.
"Ugh, I think we should just catapult you back to the elementary school, Doraji. You're such a pain," Chagecha groaned, unknowingly pouring his coffee to the point that it began to overflow from his mug.
"But Sempai, he's a Yankee Elite, isn't he?" Masato asked, taking a bite of a bagel.
"A kid is a kid, Masato. Strong he may be, he's too immature for the responsibilities of the real world."
"Don't call me kid, butt-fucker!" Doraji screamed.
"Did he just say the 'f-word'!?" Masato asked.
"Yes I did, you fuckin' dumb blonde!"
"Hey!"
"Quiet over there!" the manager shouted again.
"Doraji, if you don't settle down, we're gonna get kicked out!" Onizawa shouted.
"Maaa!" Doraji whined.
Himawari and Kotarou were silently eating alone together behind the booth Chagecha, Washio, Doraji, and Masato were sharing. Kotarou was chewing some konnyaku while Himawari was twirling her pigtail. Masato was quietly watching the female twirl her chestnut brown hair with a slightly dazed look in his eyes. She slowly got up and out of Kotarou's way and walked over to the restroom.
Chagecha looked over at his kohai curiously, noticing him sigh. He smirked; he knew what was on his mind.
"Hey Masatoooo…got your eye on our fine sunflower, hmmm?" Chagecha cooed. Masato blushed a shade of champagne red, beginning to stutter.
"Ah, S-S-S-S-Sempai! W-w-what are you talking about!?" Masato looked as if he were about to faint.
"You like Himawari!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"I heard that you think she has a nice ass!" Doraji chortled.
"Well, I-wait, WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT!?" Masato freaked out.
"I read it in your diary!" Doraji waved about a little red book. Masato began to retaliate in rage, crunching his fists.
"You can't catch me, mundane loser!" Masato and Doraji began an all-out chase throughout the café and beyond.
As the hectic chase continued, Tiger Mask, who was silent as he choked down several pastries, began to notice that all of the other guys began to look down and sigh. He suspected that they all had some kind of problem with the opposite sex.
"Now's my chance to prove myself…" he thought to himself with a quiet cackle.
Clearing the way the meal he and Onizawa were eating, much to the other's chagrin, Tiger Mask leapt onto the bar table nearby and, by snapping his fingers, caused a banner that read in Japanese "Tiger Mask's Love-Love-Kiss-Kiss Super Serial Sensuous Guide to Picking Up Hot Chicks!" to appear on the top rafter of the bar, much to the manager's anger. The rebels' eyes all bulged out at the wierdo's action.
"Come one, come all! Expert love advice for a small fee, only available here at the Yakyuu Café! It's Tiger Mask's Love-Love-Kiss-Kiss Super Serial Sensuous Guide to Picking Up Hot Chicks! Only 2000 yen (17 dollars U.S) for advice! Guaranteed to get you a hot gal who's all over you in mere minutes!"
Chagecha's rebels passed it off and continued their meals. However, a swarm of Yankee boys and even the higher members of Gure-Tokyo charged right into the café, waving their money in the air for advice.
"You've got to be kidding me…" Kotarou sighed, sipping some peppermint tea.
"Is there really love advice here!?" the Okada Brothers shouted in unison.
"If you put your money where my cock is, then yes!" Tiger Mask shouted back.
"Oh, thank heavens…now I can show Tomoko-chan how much I love her so…" Kintamarou Kabu sighed in his head, blushing.
"Advice for gaining a woman, hmm? How…truly unmoral and pathetic…screw that dick hole, I'm going home." The bird Piyoppi and his human carrier slowly walked out of the café.
Doraji put on an innocent face as Tiger Mask began to collect money from the Yankees. "Ah…can someone tell me what this is?" he cooed shyly, like a child.
"It's advice for males on how to gain a female partner," said Washio.
"Like…a project partner?" Doraji asked again.
"No, a romantic partner. A girlfriend. You know, a girl you kiss and love for who she is because she makes you happy."
"Oh." Doraji's face was momentarily blank before sticking out his tongue in disgust. "EEEEWWW!"
"You just wait, brat. You may be in the stage of your life that you think girls are gross, but it won't be long when you begin to become attracted to them," Washio said sternly.
"Me!? Kiss a girl!? No way! Girls are gross! Romance is for wussies!" Doraji spat with his tongue three times.
"Suit yourself…"
"Okay, currently have 89,976 yen in this here box! Any more takers?" Tiger Mask asked.
"Wow, are they really that desperate!?" Masato shouted.
"What about you guys?" Tiger Mask referred to the rebel team. They all looked at one another and shrugged.
"It'll be good for a laugh…" Washio said quietly, taking out his wallet. Chagecha and Onizawa did the same. "What about you, Masato?"
"Forget it! I'll ask Himawari out myself!" he shouted as he headed for the men's restroom, unknowingly entering the other by accident.
"Masato…wrong bathroom…" Chagecha pointed out as a multitude of feminine screams emerged from the women's room. Masato was chased out with a ton of bumps and bruises taken to him.
"Oh, shut up!" he groaned, heading for the correct restroom this time, with Kotarou following him.
"Ah, Kotarou-san-"
The black-haired antisocial boy ignored him as he occupied the last available stall. Masato squeaked in panic as he noticed that all of the stalls and urinals were occupied; no one would be leaving the stalls too soon judging by the groaning, and there were long lines for the urinals.
"Aw, crap…" Masato placed his two hands on his genitals, trying to hold his pee in. His bladder felt like it was going to burst soon as he slowly exited the restroom.
Chagecha noticed his little underclassman's crisis. "Hey, just go in a bush nearby. No one will look."
"B-but…" Masato protested.
"Oh, I see. Bladder shy. Just sit tight then."
"If you're going to stay then, pay me 2000 yen for love advice! A sap like you really needs it!" Tiger Mask taunted, leaping into Masato's way. The teenage boy groaned, placing the money into the box.
"Okey-dokey then! Let's begin! To begin my fellow saps-er, I mean male brethren-"
"Why did they drag me into this? I have my own fangirls…" Onizawa whispered to himself.
"Your mother doesn't count, dumbass." Washio spat.
"Shit…how did he know?"
"Can we get back to the part on how we can screw hot chicks!?" Yamauchi screamed in rage.
"You got it, buffalo boy!" Tiger Mask said with a thumbs-up.
"Buffalo boy!?"
"Ahem," Tiger Mask continued. "As I was saying, the first thing you need to learn is pickup lines." The Yankees immediately pulled out notepads for notes.
"The most important thing to remember about pickup lines is that under no circumstance must they be…well…pickup lines."
"……………………………………………….."
The rebels fell into absolute awkward silence while the Yankees scribbled down notes.
"That totally sucked…" Masato thought.
"What's a pickup line? I'm confused." said Doraji.
"Of course you are, poo-for-brains," commented Tiger Mask. "An example of a pickup line that you must never say is…"
Everyone leaned over in expectation.
"…the way you emit vaginal secretions is sexy! Wanna make some love and spawn some total evil?"
"……………………………………………….."
"Okay, that was just wrong…" Washio, Chagecha, and Masato thought in unison. As expected, the idiot Yankees took the advice and wrote it down.
"Okay, that was a good one, no? I'll give you another one…such as..."
Everyone leaned over in expectation.
"…you know, my forehead isn't the only thing way out of proportion! -wink wink-"
"……………………………………………….."
"For the love of God, what a stupid man-whore…" Washio thought. Once again, notes were scribbled.
"And, I have one more important line that may actually help…and it is…"
Everyone leaned over in expectation.
"…I'm doing a science theory experiment on orgies. Wanna lend a hand to the community and aid science?"
"………………………………………………."
"Leave your disillusioned sex fantasies to yourself, Tiger…" Chagecha thought. More notes were written.
"That is a good line, because it doesn't sound like a pickup line. Hopefully, you're more likely to get a slap than a kick to the crotch."
"Hey Washio, what's a vagina?" Doraji asked.
Washio slowly turned his head at Doraji with a look in his eye that spelled "Shut the hell up." "DON'T ASK." He barked.
"Doraji, a vagina is what the girl's private parts are called. It's your penis and, for example, Himawari's vagina that make boys and girls different," Chagecha said bluntly, much to Washio's shock.
"But I thought the girl's privates were called a pee-pee."
"Nope."
"So then, why do boys and girls have different parts?" Doraji asked. Washio and Masato stiffened up; they knew what he was asking.
"I'll tell you when you're a little older," Chagecha said simply with a smile, patting Doraji's shoulder. Doraji passed it off, still a bit confused.
"Do you understand this part of my advice?" Tiger Mask asked. "One of you, give me an example of a good line that doesn't sound like a pickup line."
"Oh! Oh! Pick me!" Onizawa shouted, flailing his hand.
"I choose…Kintamaoru! Gimme a line!"
"A line…hmmm." Kintamaoru thought hard. After a minute, he was able to come up with:
"Hey Tomoko, you and I are totally powerful, and it seems that fate bought us together like this. Wanna have sex?"
Tiger Mask nodded his head in approval. "Classic, yet surprising and subtle. I like it." The other Yankees applauded.
"…………………………………………….."
"Next is Oreo Morikyo!"
"HUUUH!?" Everyone's eyes bulged as they noticed Oreo's head destroying the rear interior of the café.
"Uhh…fuck me! Please?"
"………………………………………………"
Tiger Mask gave a thumbs up sign. "Good use of the f-bomb. Next example from Onizawa, please."
Onizawa hopped in excitement. "Hi, I'm Longhorn, a homeless, illiterate coffee seller from Brazil. Trust me, it's worked many times."
"I see. Nice allusion of sympathy. And now, why not Kouzan?"
Washio was surprised that Tiger Mask even asked him. He put his hand under his chin and came up with:
"…you have the most beautiful eyes. They remind me of a midnight horizon."
"…wow, that was sensitive and caring, Washio. That's lovely…" Chagecha whispered. Masato smiled.
Tiger Mask put a twisted, disgusted look on his face that stood out from the confused Yankees (wow, are they really that dumb?). He punched the wall, causing it to collapse, and nearly screamed so loud that one of the windows cracked.
"FAIL, FAIL, AND MORE FRIGGIN' EPIC FAIL! What are you trying to do, date the girl and start out slow!?"
"Isn't that what you're supposed to do, loser? Can't I at least show some respect before I nail a girl?" Washio asked. The Yankees, surprisingly, scribbled down notes from Washio.
"No freaking way! Remember that sex sells more than anything! Now next topic!" Tiger Mask announced. The Yankees scribbled, muttering 'next question!'
"A pickup line factors with the probability of you having a three percent chance of scoring a night with the girl and a ninety-seven percent chance of getting your balls hacked off and your masculinity scarred for life. But there are several factors that can make your probability of an awesome night with the girl skyrocket. For example, the most important factor is…"
Everyone leaned over in expectation.
"Does this include how drunk they are?" a Yankee asked.
"No, stupid. It's your hair."
"Wow, he didn't say anything stupid for once…" Masato thought.
"It's been scientifically proven that no matter how hideous-looking you are, if you have gravity-defying Dragon Ball Z hair with good color, then they will at least find you intriguing." The Yankees scribbled down more notes and began scheduling appointments for their hair.
"That explains something…" Onizawa said sadly. "By the way, Chagecha, how do you get your hair like that?"
"My hair?" Chagecha asked.
"I mean, those dreadlocks are perfectly curled! Not a hair out of place! And that deep red color! It's the color of fire and passion!"
"Wow, Onizawa used complex adjectives," Masato commented.
"He has his smart moments." Washio replied.
"Well, how my hair gets the way it is…the color isn't intentional. Every morning I wind up using a knife to get my toast out of the toaster when it's still plugged in. And as far as the dreadlocks, go, I use cement instead of hair gel."
"……………………………………………..…"
"By the way Masato, you need to seriously see a stylist. Your hair sucks!" Tiger Mask shouted.
"But…I have blonde hair the color of honey and sunflowers! And it's spiky and poofy, like that attractive emo warrior Heppokomaru! Everyone loves him!"
"Yeah, but unlike you, Heppokomaru is sexy…" Tiger Mask sighed, holding up a pinup featuring a topless Heppokomaru.
"…………………………………………………"
"At least I don't work as a guy who used to sell shojo manga…" Masato thought bitterly.
"Okay, next topic!" Tiger Mask moved on. "After successfully delivering a pick-up line, you will, unfortunately, have to engage in some form of conversation. In my many years of rejection and fame, I have found many lines that are, surprisingly, offensive. For example…"
The Yankees scribbled down their notes in expectation.
"…don't ask the girl if she's pregnant and get permission to inject your own seed up there. Secondly, don't ask her if you want a baby of your own mixed in a laboratory in less than 20 minutes. And finally, don't tell her that your last love is currently locked away in a magazine HQ trying to commit suicide. Another important thing is to NOT fondle their breasts and have them sitting in a jar in a lab after they die as a memento."
"………………………………………………."
"I bet he's never even dated once…" Masato, Washio, and Chagecha thought in unison again.
Tiger Mask took a sip of coffee and sighed in satisfaction. "Well, that's all the advice you'll need! Oh, but before I go, just remember: If you can't get out a decent pickup line, then murder their old boyfriend and give his decapitated head to her as a present. Chicks dig that whole revenge scene. And don't forget about sensitivity either. And even if they have bad cooking, compliment then and tell them they'll make a good wife someday. Heh heh heh…"
The Yankees concluded writing their notes, thanked Tiger Mask grandly, and dashed out the door. The rebels stood in silence.
"Well…that was a complete waste of space…" Washio said boldly.
"Washio, can I ask you some questions?" Doraji asked. Washio nodded his head.
"Can you tell me what sex is?"
Washio's aura flared up in anger. "NOOOOOO!"
"Waah! Kotarou, save me!" Doraji wailed.
"I'm afraid Kotarou's gonna be in there for a while…" Tiger Mask pointed out, referencing the bathroom door. "Judging by the flatulence coming from him, he's in there with the runs…"
"Ughhh…" Kotarou groaned.
"No…what do I do now…my bladder's about to explode! I think some of it leaked out…" Masato whimpered, clutching his crotch up harder.
"For heaven's sake, go to the port-a-potty down the block!" Chagecha shouted. "Forget Himawari for now!"
"Wahh…whatever!" Masato groaned. He rushed out of the café, wailing as he ran for the nearest toilet he could find.
"I knew he needed my help…" Tiger Mask said.
"Is something wrong!?" Himawari asked suddenly, bursting from the ladies' room. "I thought I heard that blonde boy cry for help…
"Nah, he just really needs to pee," said Doraji.
"He's a guy; can't he just use a bush or something?"
"He's bladder shy, apparently."
"Wow, what a loser…" Himawari spoke, looking away. Chagecha noticed her cheeks were slightly pink.
"Hey…Himawari, don't tell me that you like Masato?!"
"What!? No way! He's a loser!" Himawari stomped out with a huff.
Masato was almost near the port-a-potty nearby and shouted in relief. Unfortunately, he didn't notice the pothole that was in the pavement and tripped on it, performing a face-plant.
"Owww…" he groaned. He was about to get up when he felt something wet and warm forming between his legs.
/…tinkle tinkle…/
"Oh no…" Masato groaned. "I can't believe this…I'm sixteen years old and I wet my pants…" Masato slowly sat up as the rest of his pee tinkled out, forming a wet spot around his thighs and in front of his crotch. He looked down and appeared to want to cry.
"I'm so damn useless…"
Himawari caught up to Masato, looking at him with concern. She kneeled onto the ground at his level. "Masato? Are you okay?"
"H-Himawari…"
The two of them began to feel warm sympathy between them. Himawari noticed the wet spot on Masato's pants and began to giggle.
"Wow…you peed your pants! At sixteen! Aren't you a little old for that?" she giggled.
"Hey! Leave me alone, stupid! Sheesh!" Masato snapped, causing Himawari to squirm.
"S-sorry…"
Masato took himself back, realizing what he did. "No…I'm sorry too…I mean…"
The moment became intense with awkward heat. Himawari slowly stood up. Needing support, Masato grabbed something to help him stand, that "support" winding up to be Himawari's biker shorts, which he pulled down, revealing a pair of pink panties with a bunny on the front!
"Ah!? Oh shi-"
"Oh my gawd…panties…" Masato's hidden perverted thoughts cackled.
"Ah…ah…" Himawari blushed furiously. Gathering her Yanki energy, she whipped out her two cell phones complete with bowling ball straps and smashed them in unison at Masato screaming "YOU PERVERT!"
"Wah…wah…" Masato cowered in pain. "Okay, now I'm really sorry! Please forgive me!? Please!?" Masato cried, grabbing Himawari's breasts by accident.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?" Once again, Masato took a bowling ball to the jaw.
"No…why this!? What's with me and these harem situations all of a sudden!?" Masato whined. "It's always that the guy likes the girl and all this crap happens…I like Himawari…but why-"
"Huh…?"
Masato saw that Himawari heard him and blushed furiously. He covered his mouth and held himself back in fear.
"Did you just say that you liked me?" Himawari asked.
"Ah…well, um…no…I mean, you're pretty, you're strong, you have a nice a-I mean-"
"I have a nice…ass!? You shameless bastard!" Himawari shouted in rage.
"No-no-no! That's not what I-"
"Oh, so I'm not pretty then!?"
"No you are! You're a bit rough, and yet-"
"Sexist pig! I haven't seen you fight off any Yankees!"
"No! Will you please listen to me!?"
"Forget it!"
With that, Himawari ran off, tears flying from her face. Masato reached out for her, but gave up. He began to walk home, upset and humiliated.
"Why…why!?" he cried. He sat down on a nearby bench, hugged his legs, and began to sniffle and cry a little.
-X-
With Chagecha and the other Yankees…
"Let's watch the Yankees fail at getting girls just for fun!" Washio shouted with pep. He, Onizawa, and Chagecha were lounging on deck chairs on top of Gekiatsu High's roof, watching the massive stampede of Yankees pursue the girls of their dreams with Tiger Mask's advice in mind…
To be continued…
-Well, how was it? This little two-shot is purely for fun and a little gift from me honoring my 16th birthday…the second part will be up soon, I promise! And then I will get back at my other stories!
-I was gravely upset that Chagecha had to end so soon…but I have story ideas in mind to continue it…
FOOTNOTES
-"Yakyuu" is the Japanese word for "baseball."
