Chapter 1: Giving you up
A/N: Welcome to my new story in the Skins universe. I just can't let go, it seems. This idea is a follow-up of my one-shot "Coming Home", which can be seen as a companion to this ff, a piece of back story, if you will.
I hope you will enjoy this story. I am looking for a beta - considering I am not a native speaker and could use some assistance ;) So maybe one of you, dear readers, wants to help?
Please let me know what you think of this.
Be scrupulously truthful, even if the truth is inconvenient, for it is more inconvenient when you try to conceal it.
-Bertrand Russell
She sat on the couch, her eyes firmly fixed on the TV in front of her, which was bathing the room in a soft blue hue while a documentary about the North Pole was running. Nighttime TV programming. Environmental issues. Perfect, right? The flickering images, however, passed her by in a flurry while her mind was somewhere else. With someone else. Where was Emily? It had become a common occurrence these days for Naomi to wake up in the middle of the night to find her girlfriend – did she dare think of her this way? – gone from their shared bed. They didn't talk about it. Naomi knew she wasn't brave, in fact, Emily herself had once dared her to be brave for once, but it seems like cowardice had become an inherent trait of hers. She'd never bring it up.
How could she, really? Was she supposed to ask, Emily, where have you been? I was worried!
She'd, at the very least, receive a glare, a sneer, a hurtful remark. At the worst, it might push Emily over the edge. It might cause her to finally wake up and realize what she, what they had been doing. It might be the final straw and then there would be no more Emily and Naomi. They'd be separated again, no longer forming one. What Naomi feared the most, though, was that it would be no clean cut. It would be a messy affair, tearing them completely, leaving them all roughed up at the edges where they were once fused together in a perfect fit, leaving them broken. It was all she had ever feared, being left a shallow carcass, all the life having been sucked out of her. She never wanted to be one of these broken people, yet she was close to fall into the abyss, grasping helplessly for anything she could hold on to.
I'll do anything.
The words never left her, not during the day and not even in her sleep. Never did they weigh heavier, though, than at those times in the dead of the night, when she was lost, sitting alone, longing for Emily.
When she had written those words, she'd meant every single letter. She was prepared to do whatever it took for Emily. She loved her. She hadn't realized the extent of that love until it was all too late. That's what is wrong with human beings, isn't it? They rarely notice it if they are happy. They don't value those moments of pure bliss the way they should be cherished. Sometimes, all it would take is to pause for a moment and say "This is nice. I am happy." Not aloud, it doesn't have to be. What's important is that you acknowledge it, in your mind and heart, for yourself.
Naomi hadn't. She had remained silent, taking it for granted and then crushing under the burden of her own fears fighting the fleeting moments of happiness she was fortunate to experience with Emily at her side.
The sound of a distant ambulance siren made her snap back into reality. She looked around the room. It was a place so familiar and yet so foreign to her without Emily in it. The pictures on the walls, the boxes and clothes, hers and Emily's, everything lying around haphazardly. It was quite a mess, but she had grown accustomed to it. There was something oddly comforting about the disorganized state of their shared living space. It mirrored their insides.
She saw Emily's diary – worn leather - on the little table that was besides the couch, in plain sight. It was a reminder of the trust they used to share. She'd once taken pride in the fact that she had never even tried to read it. She didn't feel like reading it now, either, but for a whole different set of reasons. She was afraid of what she might find. She was afraid of how much power these words could have, what degree of destruction could follow.
They had made this place everything it was, a nice, cozy haven for the two of them, together, but now there was no we anymore, and it was her fault. True, Emily hadn't moved out, but despite the physical proximity they had most of the time, sleeping, even, in the same bed, it all did nothing to bridge the distance that was between them in their minds and their hearts.
It was only when a hot tear fell on the top of her hand, the one she was forcibly clutching the blanket with, that Naomi realized she was crying. Her tears proved to be of no comfort. For every tear that left her eyes, relieving her of its burden, another surge of pain would curse through her chest. She made no attempt to dry her tears, instead letting them run freely down her face. She was well past caring about her appearance.
"Fuck. Emily…" she whispered to herself, her voice breaking on those two words. "I'm so fucking sorry. Oh God." She began to tremble and couldn't control herself, letting out strangled sobs.
It had been so much work, hard work, done mostly by Emily, to get to where they had been. To get together. It was thanks to Emily that she could look back on memories she knew she'd treasure forever. Emily had expanded her - until then, remarkably little - world for her, showing her wide possibilities and making her feel like she could do anything as long as she had her by her side. Her world had thus grown, become an all-encompassing bubble where she'd been safe and loved and, yes, happy. Her world had become a saner place, a better place than it was before it had Emily in it, that she could say for sure. And then she, Naomi, had to tear it all down. Her fears had made her demolish everything they had had together, crush Emily and destroy herself while at it.
The redhead had been patient, prepared to take as much time as it took to be a teacher to her. She had taught her to let herself be loved, and to love. She had taught her that letting yourself go, trusting another person with your heart, wasn't going to hurt her.
Naomi laughed bitterly at that, the sound mingling with the sobs that hadn't stopped erupting from her throat. It was a pathetic sound and it represented everything she felt about herself. Bitter, sad, wrong.
Emily had been right. By trusting the redhead, she hadn't been hurt. Emily had kept her promise, had kept her safe. It had been the other way around, actually. She had done exactly what she had always feared the most about letting herself love someone, the reason why she fought it so hard. Letting yourself be vulnerable, giving up control, giving the other person so much power over you that they could hurt you like no one else could. Yet sweet and noble Emily had been brave enough to trust her since the very beginning.
It was then, in that moment, that Naomi realized it. They weren't anything anymore. She had to stop it. She had to try to save Emily, and maybe, just maybe, save herself too while she was at it.
She couldn't go on, they couldn't go on the way they had been these past weeks.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
Everything about that was wrong. They were hurting each other, deliberately hurting each other. Emily had been punishing her for her cheating, and she'd understood, craved it even, her own guilt threatening to drown her.
Every injury had to be avenged. Every touch and kiss she might have shared with Sophia had to be punished accordingly. She had to be punished. She would be very sorry for what she'd done, that was what Emily's eyes said to her these days. They didn't speak of love like they used to.
It wasn't the insults or the slaps that pained her the most, though. Just knowing, realizing that their love had become tainted with revenge was what was breaking her heart. It was poisoning them from within, and they were both succumbing to the lure of getting even.
The thing is, taking revenge only provokes revenge which provokes resentment which, in turn, provokes contempt — it was a never-ending cycle of pain that would not stop breaking them both, each time a little more. No punishment would ever be enough if they kept trying to hurt the other back for everything, always adding a bit more pain, almost competing: Who could destroy the other and come out of it alive?
Naomi realized with a start that "I'll do anything" meant exactly that. Doing anything and everything. She'd thought grand gestures would get her Emily back, but now she knew it wasn't going to work. Anything had to be something else.
So Naomi decided to be truthful. She had to let it all out.
She grabbed a clean sheet of paper, clutched a pen and set to writing. Her hand was shaking so badly she had to start over after blotching the first attempt. A fresh page, another try.
Dear Emily,
I love you. I need you to know that, don't ever forget it. I know I haven't shown you this enough, in fact, I know that what I did – I mean, I hurt you when I -
She had to interrupt herself. Drawing a deep breath, she tried to muster the courage to continue. She knew she had to get to the point, had to be honest. Never would she have imagined it to be that painful. She had to plow through. She owed Emily that. She owed her the whole truth. Ripping the paper and throwing the pieces carelessly away, she began anew.
Emily,
I love you. Please, never forget it. No matter what I did, no matter what happened, I never stopped loving you. I can't - I couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to. It's not the best way to start this letter, I reckon, for everything that happened, but it's the most important thing I have to tell you.
I want to ask for your forgiveness, all I want to do is try to make you understand how sorry I am, but I don't think we can just leave it at that. I know you can't forgive me just like that, I know this – what I did, cheating on you, isn't something that can be fixed by a letter or some words. It is the greatest mistake I made in my whole life. Not only because I cheated, but because I cheated on you. I cheated on us. I killed what we had with the one night where I lost everything I held dear: my principles, my sense of self, you, and us. I lost everything, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why and how. I can't fix it, and no matter how much we love each other, how much I love you, I don't think it can be fixed the way we have been trying to.
I'm scared Emily. I've always been scared. You were right, you knew it. You always know, because you know me better than everybody else. I made you lose your faith in me. I made you hurt so much it tears my own heart apart when I think about how much I broke yours.
You leave me breathless, Emily, whatever you do. When we were still okay, when you looked at me with those eyes of yours, so full of love, I couldn't breathe because I was so happy – but I was also scared. I was scared of the power you had, and still have, over me. You are the one person that has seen me at my most vulnerable, and I love you for it. I promised myself that I'd be completely honest in this letter, so I have to tell you everything. I love you for being the person that can make my day just by looking at me, but I also resent it that you can break me if you so desire. Don't think it is because I don't trust you – because I do – but it's something I can't help feeling. I spent my whole life protecting myself from getting hurt, and then you stepped into my life, effortlessly tearing my walls down - walls that had taken years to erect. I was a fool for thinking I could protect myself from your love. I am sorry. I realize now that I don't need protection from you. From everything else, maybe, but not from you.
You still leave me breathless. I feel like I am suffocating. You have been punishing me and taking revenge, and I could never hate you for it, but it is so painful I can't help but leash out back at you. We have been hurting each other so much, and I know it's my fault. I know I made you become a person you never wanted to become. I don't think I can put it into words; how that thought makes me feel. I feel like I have corrupted you, Emily, and it makes me hate myself. I am scared.
I need you, I feel so lonely without you. I realized that, whatever happens, I need to know that you exist in my world. In this world. That's the reason why I am writing this letter.
We are constantly fighting these days, fighting about little things, fighting mostly about my cheating. It seems like we hate each other, but that's not true. I love you, and I hope that you, at least, don't hate me. Yet.
I think we're fighting because we are both lonely. It's all about loneliness. You are here, with me, you still live here, but I can't help but feel more alone than I have in all my life. It pains me so much to know that I did this.
I am rambling. I think you deserve to know what I'm scared of. Right now, my greatest fear is to lose you. I don't mean us breaking up. What I mean by that is that I fear you'll begin to hate me. You will begin to turn into a person that's but a shadow of your former self – of the Emily I know is still in there somewhere, the Emily I love and will love for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the one responsible for that. I know I've already damaged you so much, but I also know that you're still you. Emily. I see it in your eyes, when you think no one is looking and you let your guard down, when the angry scowl disappears. You are hurting so much, the way only a person that feels everything so intensely like you do can hurt. You always have felt more than other people... You are the most beautiful and noble person I've met in my life. Don't, I beg you, become a bitter and angry person, don't let go of yourself. I don't deserve you, I think I never did, and I am not worth it. I am not worth losing yourself over it.
I told you, I can't imagine a world without you in it. I need to know you exist; I need you more than anything I've ever thought I needed before. And this is the reason I'm giving you up.
I love you. I think I'll never really stop, but I know I have to go. I have to disappear before it is you who disappears. You didn't leave once you found out, you didn't give up. You are so brave, Emily. Now, it's time that I am brave, for once.
I don't know if we're ever going to be able to look at each other, talk again without bitterness and hurt and resentment clouding our emotions, I don't know if we're ever going to be okay. I hope we will. I hope this isn't the end.
I am so sorry.
I'm giving you up, Emily. This is not me running. If I had to run, it would be straight into your arms, but if I did that, I would be slowly killing you, Emily. I've already started killing you, bit by bit, and it has to stop. I can't stand knowing that I am responsible for that. I see it in your eyes –there was always a blazing spark in them, and now it's nothing but a faint remnant of it. It's dull, darkened. It's still there, though. I want to fix it, and there's only one way to do that, to make the shadows disappear: I have to disappear.
I need you to live and be, Emily. I need the Emily I know to survive all of this. I hope it's not too late for that. Never forget what a beautiful and precious person you are. I'm sorry that I forgot that myself, once.
I love you. Goodbye.
Naomi
She felt cold once she had finished writing. Well aware that the letter wasn't exactly a literary masterpiece, she felt apprehension imagining how Emily would take it. She hoped Emily would realize it came from her heart. She hoped she wouldn't misunderstand everything. She hoped Emily wouldn't hate her.
She had to leave, because she knew it was the only way to salvage the slightest possibility of a future friendship between both of them. To leave the door ajar, so that, one day, she might find a way to sneak in again. If she stayed, it was only a matter of time till the door shut forcefully closed, never to be opened again. Emily meant too much to her for her to risk it.
She had been completely honest. She needed Emily in her life. She needed to know that the redhead she loved was still there, somewhere, this nice, noble and beautiful person. If she couldn't be with her, at least she would know that Emily was out there, somewhere, making the world a better place. Just like she had made Naomi's world a better place.
I'll do anything, she'd promised.
And she would do anything, because she loved Emily more than she'd ever realized. If anything meant getting up and leaving, if it meant not being in Emily's life anymore – for the sake of sparing them both, but especially Emily, the pain, then she would do it. Anything.
