The Tenant Paradox
Chapter One: The Work Reaction
"Hey. Spock."
Sheldon whipped his head toward the unannounced voice. There, standing casually next to the washer machines, was a young woman.
While Sheldon had never met any of the other tenants living in the apartment, his edict memory let him keep tabs of at least what they looked like—just in case any of the fools decided to sneak in and steal his brilliant ideas.
Or worse, his comics.
The girl, however, was not filed away. She was new. Different.
Like a white blood cell discovering a foreign entity within the body, Sheldon's inner alarm went off.
The young woman didn't seem to notice. Instead, she asked, "Do you have a quarter?"
Sheldon continued staring. He did not want to start a conversation with this outsider in fear that she would become Penny 2.0. But social protocol dictated that he help a woman in a time of need. Unless said woman was homeless. In that case, he was justified in not helping her, given she probably brought about her own financial crisis with a drug or QVC addiction.
Thus, Sheldon asked, "Are you homeless?"
The stranger appeared baffled. "Ex…cuse me?"
The scientist huffed, annoyed by her confusion. He explained, "How do I know you're not a wandering hobo who meandered in here in an attempt to do free laundry? Or a quarter for drugs?"
It was the girl's turn to stare blankly. "If I was a wandering hobo then how would I have the means to have clothes in the first place?" she replied carefully. "And why would I go through the trouble of sneaking into a locked apartment complex when I could easily find a Laundromat?"
"You might intend to steal our belongings," Sheldon responded deadpan, as if this explanation was the most logical conclusion.
The girl thought for a moment before countering, "It would still be easier to steal people's things at a Laundromat."
"Point taken," Sheldon conceded. "Here."
He handed her a quarter and then continued his meticulous folding. The girl looked at him skeptically. For a moment, she debated introducing herself. But who knew. Maybe he was just, you know, special.
"I'm Cleo," she said. "I moved into 5A."
Sheldon's head jerked up from his folding. Not only was this new specimen encroaching on his laundry time, she had moved into the apartment above his own.
"I see," he said conversationally. "I'm Sheldon. Nice to meet you."
Cleo smiled, thinking the pleasantries had been exchanged.
Far from it.
Yet before Sheldon could engaged Cleo in an extensive survey about her living habits, Penny entered the laundry room.
"Hey, Sheldon, did you see if I left any of my underwear down here?"
"Oh," Cleo exclaimed mildly, "I went ahead and folded them on top of the dryer over there. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all," Penny said, gathering the under garments. "Most of the tenants here just leave them in a heap on the ground. Or string them up on a telephone pole."
At the last comment Sheldon's head jerked up slightly, but he persisted with his folding.
"I'll keep that in mind," Cleo laughed, and closed the washer.
"Are you new?" Penny asked.
Sheldon tried to restrain himself from intervening. The seeds of future interaction were being planted and he wanted no part of it. There were already enough interlopers in his small circle of friends. The last thing it needed was one more woman to complicate their social-sphere with her sexuality.
"Yeah," Cleo replied. "My roommate and I got here from Portland yesterday. We're waiting for some of our stuff to be delivered."
Two of them? Sheldon thought. Oh, the catastrophe.
Penny, meanwhile, was observing the newcomer. She was pretty, but not threateningly, like the last girl. She had short, cropped, wavy hair, and an undistinguished face. She was very short too, and thin as a stick—no bust at all, just a slight curve in her hips, and an average butt. Then again, she was only wearing a T-shirt and gym shorts. Her eyes were very striking even without make up. And Penny could tell by the way she talked that she had confidence without being conceited.
"Well if you need help with anything just let me know," Penny said. "My neighbors will be more than willing to carry boxes for you."
Cleo laughed. "Yeah it was kind of a shock when there was…no elevator. You could help me with one thing. Where is the nearest grocery store? My roommate and I still haven't even gotten the essentials yet."
Penny thought for a second, and then said, "The closest one is ten minutes away. But if you guys want you can have dinner with us. We usually get take out."
"Penny!" Sheldon practically shouted. Both women stared at him. He continued with a forced calm, "A moment outside, please?"
Penny rolled her eyes. "This will just be a moment," she promised Cleo.
The two old friends walked outside, and Sheldon shut the door. Penny crossed her arms waiting for whatever bout of crazy would spew from his lips.
"Penny I must object to your invitation. It is our apartment we dine at every night if you recall not yours. Therefore you have no say who comes and goes and who eats with us. I won't allow it. You're not part of the roommate agreement."
"You're right," Penny replied casually. "So I don't have to follow the rules."
She opened the door and called out to Cleo, "We usually eat around 7. See you tomorrow."
Cleo smiled, and continued with her laundry. She felt like Alice at the Tea Party.
###
The gang got together in their usual places eagerly anticipating the arrival of the new tenant. Everyone, that is, except Sheldon, who sulked in his spot.
"It's just two more mouths to feed," he muttered begrudgingly. "Soon we'll have an entire Mexican family and a couple of hobos and all the stray cats from the back alley with us."
Leonard rolled his eyes. "It's not that bad, Sheldon. Who knows. After an evening with you they might never want to see us again."
"Yeah," Penny agreed. "As l long as no one mentions they can install WiFi."
"And as long as they're not attractive," Howard said, and then noticing a glare from his wife to be, added, "not that…that would matter."
Suddenly, there were muffled voices behind the door.
"…have to wear the top?" Cleo was whispered harshly.
There was a heavy sigh, supposedly her roommate. "I can't help it. I just got off work!"
"Speaking of that…" She lowered her voice dramatically. The gang leaned in, trying to hear. However, only Sheldon could make out verbatim what Cleo was whispering.
"No one here knows what I do for a living as far as earning money goes. I want to make a good impression. So just don't…mention it, ok?"
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," her friend insisted.
"Ellen…" Cleo groaned.
"Ok, Ok," the roommate said. "Your dirty little secret is safe with me."
And then there was the knock.
Everyone looked at each other at once.
"Come in!" Penny shouted.
The door opened revealing Cleo, now freshened up in skinny jeans, and a vintage T-shirt. Beside her stood one of the most beautiful women Penny had ever seen. She was tall, with luscious black hair, pouty lips, and a low cut halter top. Everyone in the room stared at her—all but Sheldon who was picking at his food.
"Bring on the stray cats," he mumbled, perhaps the only male despondent to see a beautiful woman grace their apartment.
Penny stood up. "Cleo I'm so glad you could make it! This must be your…roommate."
"Hi," Ellen said, shaking her hand. The two beautiful girls sized each other up, while Cleo stood there awkwardly, not even competition between the South American beauty and the corn-bred belle.
Penny cleared her throat and faced the group. "Cleo. Ellen (she said Ellen's name somewhat spitefully) these are my friends. Leonard—he's sort of the normal one—Raj—he can't speak to women—Bernadette and Howard—they're engaged—and of course Cleo you met Sheldon."
"Hello again, Spock," Cleo greeted.
Sheldon glared at her, but when Penny gave him a raised eyebrow, he said without any enthusiasm, "Hello again."
"Dig in guys!" Penny said excitedly. The two girls made themselves comfortable on the floor, and opened their respective boxes of fried rice.
"What brings you girls to LA?" Bernadette asked in her usual chirping voice.
Cleo and Ellen exchanged a quick glance, as if they were both hiding a secret. The act did not go unnoticed by Sheldon.
"Well," Cleo replied, "I came down here to write for a social justice blog and magazine."
"Like the Justice League?" Leonard joked.
"Kind of. It's a blog that deals with the political and social issues in the LA area. For instance the article I'm working on now is a synagogue's response to two Rabbi's wanting to get married to one another."
"So when you said 'kind of' you meant nothing like the Justice League," Sheldon quipped. Everyone stared at him, and he continued, "Well I doubt Superman and Batman spent their time investigating homosexual marriages between Rabbi's."
"Yeah Batman was probably too busy struggling with his own homoerotic feelings towards Robin," Cleo shot back.
Sheldon gave her an acidic glare, but before an argument could escalate Howard said loudly, "Well that sounds fascinating, Cleo! If you want some insight into Jewish customs I'm sure I could help. What about you, Ellen?" He asked somewhat eagerly. "Do you…write for the magazine?"
"No," she said casually, "I'm an actress."
"Of course," Penny muttered begrudgingly.
Ignoring Penny's protests Howard asked, "Have you been in anything? You look familiar."
At this, Cleo's eyes grew wide with fright, and she looked directly at Ellen, petrified.
Uncertainly, Ellen answered, "Well I…I haven't been in anything worth noting yet."
"No, no," Howard persisted, "I know I've seen you in something. Maybe—"
"ELLEN, have you tried this FRIED RICE? It's to DIE FOR!"
Cleo dug a forkful from her box and stuffed it into Ellen's mouth. Now everyone was glancing oddly at each other. Except of course Sheldon, who continued to stare at Cleo intently.
"That was delicious," Ellen said, swallowing the giant clump of rice.
"I've heard of the blog you were talking about, Cleo," Bernadette said, hoping to redirect the conversation away from Ellen. "It's non-profit. What do you do for money?"
"Yes, Cleo what do you do for money?" Sheldon asked accusingly.
Cleo stared at them all. "I DJ. And…I do freelance work."
"I see," Sheldon said in mock-awe. "And that's enough to pay rent every month? Along with utilities? Groceries? Clothes?"
"Yes," Cleo replied flatly, her eyes still wide with terror.
"Cleo is an amazing writer," Ellen gushed. "She's written a Pilot for a TV show. She'd never admit it but that's the real reason she came to LA."
"What's it about?" Penny asked, genuinely interested. If it did happen to take off she at least wanted an 'in'.
"It's a high school drama," Cleo explained, more relaxed now. "It's based on my sister and I's life growing up in Portland. You know. The crazy shenanigans kids get into at school. Anyway, that's really boring…what do you guys do?"
"Wait," Howard interjected. "I'm starting to remember where I've seen Ellen…I think it was on a late night program…"
"We need to leave!" Cleo exclaimed. "Right now. I can't believe I forgot…that thing. That I. Forgot. Yes. It was so nice meeting you all. Have a good evening!"
With that, Cleo raced out of the apartment. Ellen sat for a moment longer, as startled as the rest of the group was.
"Well I guess I should be leaving too," she said uncertainly. "Goodnight everyone."
She picked up her wallet, smiled, and left the room.
"Don't make it to obvious you want to have sex with her, Howard," Bernadette snapped, before disappearing into the bathroom.
Sheldon continued staring at the door with Howard as well, but for entirely different reasons.
###
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
Penny opened the door giving Sheldon her usual 'what the hell do you want' stare.
"We need to talk about the new tenants," he said urgently.
Penny rolled her eyes. "Sheldon, they were just scared off by Howards flirting and your typical condensation. Of course, that was pretty funny what Cleo said about Batman and Robin."
Sheldon's scowl deepened. The memory of Cleo practically calling Batman a pedophile fueled his desire to tell Penny his suspicions about the new tenants.
"Penny, I think Cleo and Ellen do something illegal for money," he said. "They probably sell drugs. But my best guess is that they're prostitutes."
His long time neighbor put her hand on her hip. "Really?"
It was an outlandish assumption even for him.
"Any time work was brought Cleo went into a state of panic," Sheldon said. "Her eyes dilated. Her breath quickened. She rushed out before I could give her my questionnaire on living habits. Plus, she acted bat-shit crazy."
Penny rolled her eyes. She couldn't deny that Cleo had seemed on edge when the subject of work was brought up between her or her roommate, Ellen.
"I don't know what to say, Sheldon," she replied exasperated. "Maybe they're just embarrassed about what they do. Maybe they're plumbers. Or strippers."
"Perhaps Ellen but definitely not Cleo," Sheldon observed. "She doesn't have the body type for desperate men in those kinds of clubs."
"Then…she's a secret agent."
"She must be the worst secret agent in the world."
"You're exhausting me, Sheldon. Goodbye."
Penny slammed the door in his face. Sheldon stormed off.
He wasn't done, yet.
