The Worth Of One
- by PiperZ
November 6th, 2003
Yu Yu Hakusho is not copyright to PiperZ. No money is being made from this fictional work. Do not use this fanfiction without permission, in part or in whole. This piece is for entertainment purposes only.
All Rights Reserved To Respective Creators.
Warning: There may be strong language, excessive mention of death/dying, lots of depression, and/or sexual situations within this fictional piece. I'm not really sure.. I haven't gotten that far yet. Maybe I should stop writing the warnings before the fiction? Heh. Not bloody likely! Loose warning.. beware...
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I sat outside the hotel, watching as people came and went, entering and leaving the building without so much as a glance toward me. I knew they wouldn't pay me any attention. I wasn't part of the Urameshi team, I was only a 'silly female who only watched from the sidelines'. Not that it bothered me that much when they didn't even give me a glance, or if they did, that the glance was with a turned up nose.
I was used to being sideline to the others. Perhaps it just happened a little too much than I liked it to, perhaps not. I didn't want to steal someone else's thunder... not really, anyway. I sighed, my chin resting in my palms, and looked back to the forest that lined the area around the hotel. After leaving Shizuru, Yukina, Keiko, and Puu up in the rooms, I had come down to wait for the boys to return. It was going to be very hard for all of us from this point on.
All because of Genkai. I closed my eyes, and thought of the old psychic. A very short time ago she had been vibrantly fighting alongside the other four members of the Urameshi team, and now.... I reopened my eyes, and gritted my teeth a little at the memories. Now, thanks to the youngest brother of Team Toguro, Genkai would only exist in memories. Everything they had worked for up until now, to keep all their loved onces alive... and Genkai was far from alive.
"Stupid Toguro... " I muttered to myself, catching a few stray, indignant glances from the comment by passersby.
Now, here I was, waiting for them to return. Koenma was with Yusuke, so that much was .. hopefully.. taken care of. But the others? Hiei, Kurama, and Kuwabara? Where were they? ... and how would they take this news? I had already guessed that Shizuru knew what had happened, but I really didn't want to face them all at that moment. Keiko, especially. If she knew that Yusuke would be so pained by the loss of his mentor, I really didn't know if I wanted to be around her when she decided that she simply MUST be at her unspoken lover's side.
Who was *I* to stand in the way of something like that anyway? I blinked, and slowly started to push myself to my feet when I saw two familiar figures walking in my direction.
"Hey, Botan.." Kuwabara muttered in a rather un-Kuwabara-like tone. I tried to push back the tears that threatened to well up as I dusted off my pants, stepping up to meet the two.
"Welcome back, boys. Everyone else, well, minus Yusuke and Hiei, are waiting up in the rooms." I paused briefly, looking to the door of the hotel. "I told them I would come down here, and wait for you to return."
Kurama nodded slowly at my words, and stepped for the door without comment. Kuwabara shrugged heavily, and with a loud sigh.
"I don't know where anyone else is, Botan. Nobody ever tells me anything. Though we're supposed to be a team. Especially people like Hiei."
I nodded as well, agreeing with him. I didn't know where the shorter demon was either, but I knew where Yusuke was. Kuwabara had nimbly dodged the subject of the team's captain. Kudos.
"Well, you better get up there as well. Yukina is getting worried that everyone's been gone."
There was a silence between us at this point, and the people continued to walk past -- in and out, in and out -- without too much attention paid to us. Finally, Kuwabara reached a hand out, placing it on my shoulder. I couldn't help it, at that point, I broke down into another small sobbing fit.
"It's alright, Botan. We're still gonna win this thing, okay? Don't get all upset." Though his voice was supposed to be reassuring, I'm sure, it sounded hollow, and deeply pained. Kuwabara had been there from the beginning. From day one, he had been at Yusuke's side when he had fought to be Genkai's apprentice. Now, in the final days of Genkai's life, he was still there. I couldn't begin to understand what went on behind those gentle, determined eyes, but I was glad he was still there. I brushed the back of my hand against my cheeks, wiping away the tears.
"Yeah... Well, you'd better hurry up before Yukina gets too worried." Or Shizuru gets any angrier, I added silently, and with a small smile through the despaired expression I knew was on my face.
He left me alone again, and I turned my eyes back to the forest. It was getting really late, I noticed, and the stars were starting to dot the slowly darkening sky. Koenma better get Yusuke back here so he could rest up. Hiei... well, I wasn't about to go looking for someone who could destroy me within the blink of an eye. Not right now, anyway. With half of the team returned, I felt secure that the others would follow. Koenma wouldn't have it any other way, really.
Though, as I turned to go back inside, the sun disappearing over the line of trees behind me, I couldn't help but smile a bit more at the vision of Koenma trying to order Hiei back to the hotel for the night.
---
Yawning, I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand, and tried to focus on the conversation at hand. Yusuke was still not back, and neither was Hiei. It was really late, and everyone, instead of sleeping, had opted to sit around and talk. Of course, Kuwabara kept carefully steering the conversation away from the non-present persons of our group. Especially Genkai, and Yusuke. Puu, I had noted, also seemed to keep up a bit of facade when it came to however Yusuke might have been feeling at that moment. Instead of a grieving expression, or saddened in the least, the little blue creature had just curled up against Keiko's stomach, resting in her lap, and went to sleep.
Lucky bastard. At least IT could sleep. I, on the other hand, was totally deprived of it. Every time my eyes even closed just the slightest, someone asked me a question, or brought up something that might have interested me, and thus dragged me back into the conversation. Right now, the topic was, of all things, books. I didn't even know Kuwabara could read...
As Keiko tried to explain about some book I had never heard of before, I found myself dozing a little, my head resting on my arm, which was draped over the back of the couch. It had to be only a few hours until sunrise. We should have all been asleep. I guess with the recent tragedy, it was to be expected from those involved. I blinked slowly, my eyes clearing a bit as they settled on Kurama, who strangely wasn't interested in a topic I thought he should have much to say on. Lifting my head a little, I looked him over.
He was sitting at the corner of the room, staring out the window with a thoughtful expression. To me, Kurama didn't even look as though his mind was on the subject of books, much less any thoughts regarding the goings-on of this room. With a small, inward sigh, I settled my chin in the crook of my elbow, and continued to stare at him. He hadn't talked much about anything since we had been back for.... how many hours ago did we come back inside? Maybe he was worried about Hiei, or Yusuke.... or thinking about the death of Genkai? Surely he had caught the feeling of her spirit energy fading away...
Kurama turned his head slightly, as if something outside had caught his eye. I still couldn't see any emotion on his face, but after a moment, he announced that Hiei was back. There was a brief talk about the small demon before the subject shifted to something else... food. Of course. I rolled my eyes, and pushed myself up from the couch without a word. As Kuwabara went into elaborate details about how much sauces, and spices he liked to put in his rice and beef stews, I made my way over to the red-haired boy sitting in the window sill.
Kurama turned those green eyes to me as I came up to his side, but looked back out the window a moment later. Every day that passed, he looked more and more troubled. I knew, that with the closing of the Dark Tournament, that there would either be death or life. It was simple as that. Though I wasn't fighting, and so I couldn't even begin to understand what Kurama, and coincidentally the rest of the team, was going through. If Kurama.. no.. Shuuichi lost, not only would HIS life be forfeit, but so would the life of everyone he held dear. I was sure his thoughts were on that of his mother, afterall, the final match of the Tournament was in less than two days.
"It is strange," Kurama said, jolting me from my thoughts, his eyes focused out the window to something in the distance perhaps that only he could see. "If I had not been drawn into this tournament, I would have never had the chance to meet with a part of myself I ... " He lowered his voice, turning his eyes to look at the gathered group, and then lift to me once more. "Suzuka came to Kuwabara and myself today, on the way back to the hotel. He gave us strange gifts, but though I can say I am more than a little reluctant to try my own."
"What did he give you?" I asked slowly, curiously. A gift? Hadn't Genkai pummeled that strange, and rather scary, Suzuka to a bloodied pulp? Why would he be willing to help them?
Kurama shook his head, and looked back out the window. "No, we can't talk about it. I told Kuwabara not to mention the items until I could look them over. I also told him not to use his, but I have a feeling that he'll try to figure the thing out anyway. Perhaps with caution, but he'll still try to use it."
I took a few steps to the side, looking out the window as well, my arms crossed before me. "Kurama... is there something you want to talk about?" I asked this cautiously, carefully... it seemed he needed to vent, but we weren't really all that close. It wasn't as if he'd come crawling to me if he had a problem, but he was more likely to open up and talk than say... Hiei?
"Not here." Was the only thing he said in response. Pursing my lips slightly, I looked over at him, watching him as his eyes focused past the slightly reflective surface of the glass to the night-life beyond. After a moment, he blinked, and then closed his eyes. "Hiei."
I startled, and whirled around as I noted the reflection of the black-clad apparition on the window.
"You shouldn't whisper about things. Someone might think you're keeping secrets." Hiei eyed me coldly, and then turned away, stalking away from the group towards the adjoining room that held the beds. I watched him go, and then released the breath I had been holding.
Kurama smiled faintly, his own eyes turning to watch Hiei. "He's not always like that. I'm sure you understand that by now?" He rose to his feet, and stretched a little, his hands over his head. I took a step back, giving him room.
"Oh? He's not always giving people looks of pure death? I'll have to keep that in mind." I said with a bit of a smile, trying to break up the tension that hovered around in the air surrounding us.
"I'm truly sorry to break this conversation so short, but I believe Hiei has the right idea. We could all use some sleep." After a moment, he added softly, "Yusuke will be back soon. You should go to sleep, Botan." he turned away from me, and walked in the same direction Hiei had. I watched him walk off as well, and then turned my eyes back to the group, who had not given to much notice to the two who had left the room, still talking intently about things that were usually so insignificant.
I shrugged, and patting Keiko on the shoulder as I walked past, announced that I was going to bed.
---
I tried to fall asleep, but even as I lay in the darkness, listening to the soft breathing of those around me, sleep just wouldn't come. I curled my hand under the blanket, and pulled its edge up over my shoulders, tugging it close under my chin. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't rest my mind. So many thoughts that just wouldn't give me peace. Genkai.. Yusuke.. Toguro... The Tournament... Everything.
And Kurama.
Of everyone, excluding Yusuke, Kurama seemed most disturbed by .. the recent events. He'd spoken of a gift from Suzuka, but seemed very worried by it. There was also something else that I felt he was keeping secret from me, but as I'd thought before, we weren't really that close. He really didn't seem the type to just open up his feelings for just anyone, though he was, by far, better at it than Hiei.
With a whir of thoughts flustering around my mind, I heaved a great sigh, and pushed the covers down away from me. Scooting to the edge of the bed, I sat up, and swung my legs out, letting my bare feet brush the carpeted floor beneath them. It was warm, despite the bit of chill that was in the air. It was always so cold in this stupid room, I thought bitterly as I pushed myself to stand.
The main room of the hotels suite was quiet, and decidedly warmer than the bedroom area. I sat gently on the edge of one of the couches, and stared through the dim light at the coffee table before me. Figures... Kuwabara left one of his silly card games on the table. They must have been up later than I'd thought. I wondered absently as I reached out to pick up one of the cards, if the game had really been worth the lack of sleep.
Anything was probably better than letting oneself settle into the bleak thoughts of the upcoming battles, and the death that was draped around us all like a thick, wet blanket. Even though only five of us actually KNEW of Genkai's death, it was still felt by everyone else. Changes of the tension around us all...
I stared at the card blankly for several moments before I flipped it back to the top of the table, and covered my eyes with the flats of my hand. This was so stupid! Why did I have to take Genkai to Spirit World?! It seemed like such a short time ago that Yusuke had actually begun to study under the old woman... No matter how many times Koenma said 'You knew this was going to happen, Botan.'... it just didn't seem real.. I didn't want it to BE real.
I understood Yusuke's feelings, at least a little.
I startled when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked upward through my tears to find Kurama standing behind me, leaning over the backing of the couch.
"K-Kurama...?" My voice shook with my sadness, and I struggled to get a restraint on it. I failed miserably.
He smiled warmly at me through the dim light, and I felt his hand leave my shoulder. Kurama walked around the end of the couch, and sat beside me, his hands softly rested in his lap.
"Can't sleep?" His voice was soft, almost a whisper. I'd always liked that about him.
I shook my head, though I let my eyes fall to the cards splayed out on the table top. "No."
Kurama didn't say anything right away, his own emerald eyes focused beyond the table towards the window. I glanced up at him after the silence lasted more than a minute, and noted the same look in his eyes, the same sad, thoughtfull emotion displayed on his face that had been present before he'd departed for bed earlier. I cleared my throat.
"Botan.. " Kurama began slowly, his eyes still focused towards the window. "I know this must be hard for you."
I stared at him a moment in the darkness before I felt the tears welling up again. I reached up to brush them away, sniffling a little in the process. "It really is hard... " I agreed softly, sucking in a few breathes to keep from sobbing like a child. So, he DID know of Genkai's passing?
As if echoing my very thoughts, Kurama gave a long sigh, and leaned back against the cushions of the couch. "I hadn't known Genkai that long, but her loss is deeply felt."
His words sounded strangely distant to me, as if they weren't real, but perhaps a dream amid the darkness of my tired mind. I nodded anyway, agreeing in my flustered attempts to keep from bawling like a baby. Kurama turned his eyes toward me, and gave a weak smile, one that didn't touch the depths of his dark eyes at all. It gave me a bit of a chill that helped me quiet my tearful sadness.
"But I'm sure she's confident in her pupil, and his comrades."
Again, I nodded. She had been happy to see how much we'd all learned, and gained in the short time we'd known each other. She'd said it herself, though even she had wished there would have been more time for all of us. As tired of the world as she was, it seemed to mean so much more now that she had a student. God, how I missed her!
But even as much as I missed her, I didn't really feel like talking about her at the moment. Her death was still so fresh for me, and the pain of having to guide her into her after-life beat hard against my heartstrings. I decided to steer the topic away from my pains.
"... Kurama... I.. the next battle is so close..." I pressed my palms against my eyes, forcing them to dry, and wiping away the bittersweet tears from my cheeks. I sniffled softly, and looked to him once again. "... we can do this, can't we..?"
The red-head looked at me as if I'd said something seriously disturbing, then looked back towards the window with a grim expression. I'd never really seen that expression upon his face, he'd always been so optimistic..
"Toguro is strong." Was the only thing he said in response to my words.
I swallowed hard, and pulled my legs up on the couch with me, bending them, and pulling them against my chest. I hugged them there.. very tightly. "We can't lose."
"It's not an option we really have."
There was silence in the room now, and I buried my face against my knees. It's not an option we really have... I repeated the words in my mind, over and over. He was right. We had to win! Genkai didn't give her life just for us all to die at the hands of Toguro. There were too many people we cared about to just cave in like some set of weaklings... Too much was at risk for the fighters, and their loved ones. Too much at risk for everyone.
"Botan.."
I blinked sharply as I lifted my head, turning to face Kurama. "Hmm..?"
He was once again staring at the window, only this time, he propped his head up with one hand, resting its elbow on the arm of the couch. He looked exceptionally tired to me, and it was plain that the Tournaments battles, and the current events were wreaking havoc upon his normally placid demeanor. He looked so much older to me...
"Suzuka... " He began softly, but stopped a second later.
"Oh yes." I nodded slowly. "You were going to tell me something about that? He gave you and Kuwabara gifts?"
Kurama nodded slowly, a forlorn expression cast upon his face as he continued to stare longingly towards the window. "Yes. Two gifts, one for Kuwabara, and one for myself." When I didn't say anything, he simply continued. "One is a sword hilt, and the other a potion of sorts."
"What do they do?" I blinked, curious.
"One contains magic that can transform for its weilder, to become a powerful weapon. Much like how, when held by Shishi Wakamaru the hilt became the powerful Banshee's Shriek.. if it is held by Kuwabara, it should become something as equally strong, but as Suzuka said, probably without the demon."
I wrinkled my nose at the remembrance of the strangely powerful weapon that had been weilded by that arrogant fool, Shishi. I'd hated that battle with a passion, but didn't voice this aloud. He continued again, when I didn't say anything.
"The other, the strange potion, I am told will have much the same effects that Ura Urashima's Idunn Box had upon myself. From this potion, Urashima derived the smoke for his box. The potion contains the Fruit of the Previous Life." Kurama paused, closing his eyes lightly. "Suzuka isn't exactly sure of its effects, but has told me it should be something akin to those that occured when I inhaled the Idunn Box's smoke."
I raised one brow. "You mean, you'll transform into Youko Kurama again?"
Kurama nodded slowly, his eyes opening once again. "Yes, if the effects are the same."
"How long..? Is it permanant?" Was that what was bothering him? If he transformed into Youko permanantly, he wouldn't be able to return to his Ningen life... I could see the dilemna there! I wondered absently if that was what had been bothering Kurama earlier.
"I'm not sure. Needless to say, I'm avidly reluctant to make a cocktail out of this potion of Suzuka's."
Boy, could I understand that! I nodded slowly, letting my eyes drift down to my knees, which I still hugged tightly against my chest. Suzuka could be trying to seek some kind of revenge for being bested by the late Master Genkai, he could have planned to give the items to Kurama and Kuwabara as a sort of retaliation. If you can't wipe out the one who defeated you, wipe out the ones close to her. Was that his plan? There was no way he'd just give such items away without having a sinister plot behind his motives.
There was no way this was a sincere gesture... Or maybe, just maybe...
I lifted my eyes back towards Kurama. "You aren't seriously planning on using them, are you, Kurama? I know how much Youko means to you... "
Kurama sighed softly, and turned to face me, instead of the window. "Yes. I admit that bridging the gap between Shuuichi and Youko holds a great deal of appeal to me, but unless I find out the exact effect this potion will have upon the body of Shuuichi, I fear that the bridge between the two will be burned before it is even built."
I released my legs, and turned my entire body to face the red haired boy beside me. It was strange to think that within this creature that so resembled a human boy there dwelled the reincarnated soul of the greatest thief in all of the Makai. Sleeping.. waiting for his chance at life again. It took me a few passing moments to voice my next thought. I wondered if Kurama had already found an answer for it or not... perhaps that was another reason he was so sad?
"If you do manage to release Youko by 'bridging the gap', what will happen to Shuuichi?"
Kurama winced visibly, and lowered his eyes. "To tell you the truth, Botan, I am as unsure of that answer as you seem to be. When Ura Urashima used the smoke of the Idunn Box, and Youko appeared into the battle, there was only one body..." His words trailed off, but I gathered what he was saying.
"You mean, if you drink the potion, Youko could come and fight your battles, but at the cost of Shuuichi's own existance?"
"Shuuichi would still exist, only then, it would be as if a human had been reincarnated within a demon."
"It would be flipped." My words were soft, and I lowered my eyes to the couch between us. "That's... that's not fair.."
"As the saying goes, Botan... 'Life isn't exactly fair.'"
I didn't lift my eyes to him, but I felt the couch jostle slightly, and I knew he had gotten to his feet. To win the next battle in the Tournament, Kurama would have to become significantly stronger. There was no way he could beat Karasu as he was... that particular demon was just too fast, and his power just a little too strong. Shuuichi would need Youko's help. But... but if Kurama managed to finally release Youko, and the transformation was permanant...
Shuuichi would be lost forever, forced into an existance inside the mind and heart of the only one left for him -- Youko.
"There .. there has to be a way..." I finally managed to say, lifting my eyes upward. I blinked when they finally focused on Kurama, who was standing at the window, his shoulder pressed heavily against the wall beside the glass panes. "Kurama..."
"I'll perform a few tests on the potion first. If the answers I receive satisfy me, then I'll accept the gift from Suzuka."
His words sounded strangely hollow to me, and a fresh wave of previously dried tears began to rise. I didn't even bother to hold them back. If the potion worked.. it would take away another one of my friends! First Genkai, taken from me in death, and then Kurama... no.. Shuuichi.. taken from me just to win this flipping battle! A sudden sob caught in my throat, and I reached both my hands up to cover my face, pressing the palms flat against the river of tears that had broken loose.
I heard Kurama sigh, but no words came from him, not even words of comfort. He understood the consequences, but he was willing to sacrifice anything in order to protect his loved ones. Couldn't he see? Couldn't he see that if the transformation was complete... if it was permanent... his mother would lose her son?! She would be alone!! I choked on my sobs, trying to suck in a sudden breath of air. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair at all! Why did everyone have to suffer for this stupid Tournament?!
Is that all these wretched fiends cared about? The only thing apparitions here wanted to see? Death? Suffering? If they won.. no.. WHEN they won, she hoped that at least one of the members of Team Urameshi wished for this stupid Tournament to be ended forever. They had to win.. they couldn't lose...
But even if they didn't lose the Tournament.. they had already lost so much. Even with the battles almost concluded, they still had so much to lose...
I felt a hand on my trembling shoulder, but didn't even bother to lift my eyes. I continued to cry as I sat there upon the couch, scrubbing at my face with the palms of my hands. I didn't want to take another one of my friends to Spirit World. I wouldn't.. I couldn't...
"Botan. You really need to try and get some rest." Kurama's voice was soft, again almost a whisper.
His hand stayed on my shoulder, his fingers light, and warm through my night shirt. He still sounded so calm, but the same tinge of troubled thoughts could be heard underlying each word that slipped past his lips. He had become much stronger through all of this, but it wasn't enough... How could he remain so calm, knowing what he knew? I suddenly realized that I envied him. So strong, even in the face of utter destruction. His battles were life and death. Every time he stepped in the ring, he risked his life for all of us... for everyone he cared about. He wasn't doing it for the selfish reason all the other combatants had been... Not for strength.. or riches.. or glory... He was doing it for the love of his friends.. his family...
God, how I envied him!
Kurama patted my shoulder softly, then withdrew his hand. The heat from his hand disappeared, leaving me feeling suddenly chilled, and lonely. I sniffled, and lifted my head as I tried to wipe away the rest of the tears.
"Kurama... I .. I can't ..."
"Shh."
I couldn't see him through the haze of tears that remained, though I furiously tried to swipe them away, to clear my vision. He sounded as if he had moved behind the couch, perhaps by the bedroom doors.
"I'm going to return to bed, Botan."
Yeah.. he had the right idea. God, how could he sleep, though? Again, I felt the envy rise within me, but I pushed it down hard. It was strange that I had come out here because the worry of the battles, and the losses we had received so far had made my thoughts almost too jumbled to remember to even breath.... and now... my thoughts revolved around how envious I was of Kurama's strength.
I felt a little foolish at that moment, but nodded slowly to his words, letting one of my hands fall to brace myself against the back of the couch. I caught sight of him then. He WAS standing by the bedroom doors, with one of his hands resting lightly against the door frame to the bedroom he shared with the guys. His form was mostly hidden in shadow, but even in the dim light, and through my hazed eyes, I saw that he was smiling a little.
He was trying to be reassuring, I think.
"Yes." My voice wasn't as soft as his had been, considering I'd been crying. It didn't even resemble a whisper. "Yes.. I.. I'll try to get some rest as well."
Kurama nodded slowly, and turned to head into the bedroom. As he turned around to close the door behind him, I cleared my throat a little. He paused, but his face was turned toward the floor, his hand still holding loosely to the doorknob.
"I'm sorry, Kurama... but.. but thank you." I watched as his smile faded away, and began to regret my words.
"You're welcome, Botan." His words seemed more than half-hearted, and he closed the door slowly, shutting it firmly with a small 'click' sound as the latch took hold. I sat, staring through the few remaining tears that refused to be vanquished, at the door.
Parting my lips, I sighed loudly, and sunk down onto the couch cushions face first, pressing my damp cheek hard against its surface. For once, I agreed with something Yusuke had said a long time ago.
This sucked.
I closed my eyes, and lay in the darkness, alone.
"Goodnight, Kurama..." I whispered softly to no one.
----
END
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ (Author's Notes: This was actually started way back on July 11th, 2003. I don't know exactly why I stopped typing it, but it's sat on my hard-drive for nearly four months before I finally picked it up again. I usually don't write from point of views that don't belong to Kurama.. I find them more challenging. But, in my mind, this one turned out alright. Or at least, I'd like to think so. ^-^;; I'd appreciate some definate feedback on this one, folks. Thanks in advance! 333 )
Yu Yu Hakusho is not copyright to PiperZ. No money is being made from this fictional work. Do not use this fanfiction without permission, in part or in whole. This piece is for entertainment purposes only.
All Rights Reserved To Respective Creators.
Warning: There may be strong language, excessive mention of death/dying, lots of depression, and/or sexual situations within this fictional piece. I'm not really sure.. I haven't gotten that far yet. Maybe I should stop writing the warnings before the fiction? Heh. Not bloody likely! Loose warning.. beware...
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I sat outside the hotel, watching as people came and went, entering and leaving the building without so much as a glance toward me. I knew they wouldn't pay me any attention. I wasn't part of the Urameshi team, I was only a 'silly female who only watched from the sidelines'. Not that it bothered me that much when they didn't even give me a glance, or if they did, that the glance was with a turned up nose.
I was used to being sideline to the others. Perhaps it just happened a little too much than I liked it to, perhaps not. I didn't want to steal someone else's thunder... not really, anyway. I sighed, my chin resting in my palms, and looked back to the forest that lined the area around the hotel. After leaving Shizuru, Yukina, Keiko, and Puu up in the rooms, I had come down to wait for the boys to return. It was going to be very hard for all of us from this point on.
All because of Genkai. I closed my eyes, and thought of the old psychic. A very short time ago she had been vibrantly fighting alongside the other four members of the Urameshi team, and now.... I reopened my eyes, and gritted my teeth a little at the memories. Now, thanks to the youngest brother of Team Toguro, Genkai would only exist in memories. Everything they had worked for up until now, to keep all their loved onces alive... and Genkai was far from alive.
"Stupid Toguro... " I muttered to myself, catching a few stray, indignant glances from the comment by passersby.
Now, here I was, waiting for them to return. Koenma was with Yusuke, so that much was .. hopefully.. taken care of. But the others? Hiei, Kurama, and Kuwabara? Where were they? ... and how would they take this news? I had already guessed that Shizuru knew what had happened, but I really didn't want to face them all at that moment. Keiko, especially. If she knew that Yusuke would be so pained by the loss of his mentor, I really didn't know if I wanted to be around her when she decided that she simply MUST be at her unspoken lover's side.
Who was *I* to stand in the way of something like that anyway? I blinked, and slowly started to push myself to my feet when I saw two familiar figures walking in my direction.
"Hey, Botan.." Kuwabara muttered in a rather un-Kuwabara-like tone. I tried to push back the tears that threatened to well up as I dusted off my pants, stepping up to meet the two.
"Welcome back, boys. Everyone else, well, minus Yusuke and Hiei, are waiting up in the rooms." I paused briefly, looking to the door of the hotel. "I told them I would come down here, and wait for you to return."
Kurama nodded slowly at my words, and stepped for the door without comment. Kuwabara shrugged heavily, and with a loud sigh.
"I don't know where anyone else is, Botan. Nobody ever tells me anything. Though we're supposed to be a team. Especially people like Hiei."
I nodded as well, agreeing with him. I didn't know where the shorter demon was either, but I knew where Yusuke was. Kuwabara had nimbly dodged the subject of the team's captain. Kudos.
"Well, you better get up there as well. Yukina is getting worried that everyone's been gone."
There was a silence between us at this point, and the people continued to walk past -- in and out, in and out -- without too much attention paid to us. Finally, Kuwabara reached a hand out, placing it on my shoulder. I couldn't help it, at that point, I broke down into another small sobbing fit.
"It's alright, Botan. We're still gonna win this thing, okay? Don't get all upset." Though his voice was supposed to be reassuring, I'm sure, it sounded hollow, and deeply pained. Kuwabara had been there from the beginning. From day one, he had been at Yusuke's side when he had fought to be Genkai's apprentice. Now, in the final days of Genkai's life, he was still there. I couldn't begin to understand what went on behind those gentle, determined eyes, but I was glad he was still there. I brushed the back of my hand against my cheeks, wiping away the tears.
"Yeah... Well, you'd better hurry up before Yukina gets too worried." Or Shizuru gets any angrier, I added silently, and with a small smile through the despaired expression I knew was on my face.
He left me alone again, and I turned my eyes back to the forest. It was getting really late, I noticed, and the stars were starting to dot the slowly darkening sky. Koenma better get Yusuke back here so he could rest up. Hiei... well, I wasn't about to go looking for someone who could destroy me within the blink of an eye. Not right now, anyway. With half of the team returned, I felt secure that the others would follow. Koenma wouldn't have it any other way, really.
Though, as I turned to go back inside, the sun disappearing over the line of trees behind me, I couldn't help but smile a bit more at the vision of Koenma trying to order Hiei back to the hotel for the night.
---
Yawning, I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand, and tried to focus on the conversation at hand. Yusuke was still not back, and neither was Hiei. It was really late, and everyone, instead of sleeping, had opted to sit around and talk. Of course, Kuwabara kept carefully steering the conversation away from the non-present persons of our group. Especially Genkai, and Yusuke. Puu, I had noted, also seemed to keep up a bit of facade when it came to however Yusuke might have been feeling at that moment. Instead of a grieving expression, or saddened in the least, the little blue creature had just curled up against Keiko's stomach, resting in her lap, and went to sleep.
Lucky bastard. At least IT could sleep. I, on the other hand, was totally deprived of it. Every time my eyes even closed just the slightest, someone asked me a question, or brought up something that might have interested me, and thus dragged me back into the conversation. Right now, the topic was, of all things, books. I didn't even know Kuwabara could read...
As Keiko tried to explain about some book I had never heard of before, I found myself dozing a little, my head resting on my arm, which was draped over the back of the couch. It had to be only a few hours until sunrise. We should have all been asleep. I guess with the recent tragedy, it was to be expected from those involved. I blinked slowly, my eyes clearing a bit as they settled on Kurama, who strangely wasn't interested in a topic I thought he should have much to say on. Lifting my head a little, I looked him over.
He was sitting at the corner of the room, staring out the window with a thoughtful expression. To me, Kurama didn't even look as though his mind was on the subject of books, much less any thoughts regarding the goings-on of this room. With a small, inward sigh, I settled my chin in the crook of my elbow, and continued to stare at him. He hadn't talked much about anything since we had been back for.... how many hours ago did we come back inside? Maybe he was worried about Hiei, or Yusuke.... or thinking about the death of Genkai? Surely he had caught the feeling of her spirit energy fading away...
Kurama turned his head slightly, as if something outside had caught his eye. I still couldn't see any emotion on his face, but after a moment, he announced that Hiei was back. There was a brief talk about the small demon before the subject shifted to something else... food. Of course. I rolled my eyes, and pushed myself up from the couch without a word. As Kuwabara went into elaborate details about how much sauces, and spices he liked to put in his rice and beef stews, I made my way over to the red-haired boy sitting in the window sill.
Kurama turned those green eyes to me as I came up to his side, but looked back out the window a moment later. Every day that passed, he looked more and more troubled. I knew, that with the closing of the Dark Tournament, that there would either be death or life. It was simple as that. Though I wasn't fighting, and so I couldn't even begin to understand what Kurama, and coincidentally the rest of the team, was going through. If Kurama.. no.. Shuuichi lost, not only would HIS life be forfeit, but so would the life of everyone he held dear. I was sure his thoughts were on that of his mother, afterall, the final match of the Tournament was in less than two days.
"It is strange," Kurama said, jolting me from my thoughts, his eyes focused out the window to something in the distance perhaps that only he could see. "If I had not been drawn into this tournament, I would have never had the chance to meet with a part of myself I ... " He lowered his voice, turning his eyes to look at the gathered group, and then lift to me once more. "Suzuka came to Kuwabara and myself today, on the way back to the hotel. He gave us strange gifts, but though I can say I am more than a little reluctant to try my own."
"What did he give you?" I asked slowly, curiously. A gift? Hadn't Genkai pummeled that strange, and rather scary, Suzuka to a bloodied pulp? Why would he be willing to help them?
Kurama shook his head, and looked back out the window. "No, we can't talk about it. I told Kuwabara not to mention the items until I could look them over. I also told him not to use his, but I have a feeling that he'll try to figure the thing out anyway. Perhaps with caution, but he'll still try to use it."
I took a few steps to the side, looking out the window as well, my arms crossed before me. "Kurama... is there something you want to talk about?" I asked this cautiously, carefully... it seemed he needed to vent, but we weren't really all that close. It wasn't as if he'd come crawling to me if he had a problem, but he was more likely to open up and talk than say... Hiei?
"Not here." Was the only thing he said in response. Pursing my lips slightly, I looked over at him, watching him as his eyes focused past the slightly reflective surface of the glass to the night-life beyond. After a moment, he blinked, and then closed his eyes. "Hiei."
I startled, and whirled around as I noted the reflection of the black-clad apparition on the window.
"You shouldn't whisper about things. Someone might think you're keeping secrets." Hiei eyed me coldly, and then turned away, stalking away from the group towards the adjoining room that held the beds. I watched him go, and then released the breath I had been holding.
Kurama smiled faintly, his own eyes turning to watch Hiei. "He's not always like that. I'm sure you understand that by now?" He rose to his feet, and stretched a little, his hands over his head. I took a step back, giving him room.
"Oh? He's not always giving people looks of pure death? I'll have to keep that in mind." I said with a bit of a smile, trying to break up the tension that hovered around in the air surrounding us.
"I'm truly sorry to break this conversation so short, but I believe Hiei has the right idea. We could all use some sleep." After a moment, he added softly, "Yusuke will be back soon. You should go to sleep, Botan." he turned away from me, and walked in the same direction Hiei had. I watched him walk off as well, and then turned my eyes back to the group, who had not given to much notice to the two who had left the room, still talking intently about things that were usually so insignificant.
I shrugged, and patting Keiko on the shoulder as I walked past, announced that I was going to bed.
---
I tried to fall asleep, but even as I lay in the darkness, listening to the soft breathing of those around me, sleep just wouldn't come. I curled my hand under the blanket, and pulled its edge up over my shoulders, tugging it close under my chin. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't rest my mind. So many thoughts that just wouldn't give me peace. Genkai.. Yusuke.. Toguro... The Tournament... Everything.
And Kurama.
Of everyone, excluding Yusuke, Kurama seemed most disturbed by .. the recent events. He'd spoken of a gift from Suzuka, but seemed very worried by it. There was also something else that I felt he was keeping secret from me, but as I'd thought before, we weren't really that close. He really didn't seem the type to just open up his feelings for just anyone, though he was, by far, better at it than Hiei.
With a whir of thoughts flustering around my mind, I heaved a great sigh, and pushed the covers down away from me. Scooting to the edge of the bed, I sat up, and swung my legs out, letting my bare feet brush the carpeted floor beneath them. It was warm, despite the bit of chill that was in the air. It was always so cold in this stupid room, I thought bitterly as I pushed myself to stand.
The main room of the hotels suite was quiet, and decidedly warmer than the bedroom area. I sat gently on the edge of one of the couches, and stared through the dim light at the coffee table before me. Figures... Kuwabara left one of his silly card games on the table. They must have been up later than I'd thought. I wondered absently as I reached out to pick up one of the cards, if the game had really been worth the lack of sleep.
Anything was probably better than letting oneself settle into the bleak thoughts of the upcoming battles, and the death that was draped around us all like a thick, wet blanket. Even though only five of us actually KNEW of Genkai's death, it was still felt by everyone else. Changes of the tension around us all...
I stared at the card blankly for several moments before I flipped it back to the top of the table, and covered my eyes with the flats of my hand. This was so stupid! Why did I have to take Genkai to Spirit World?! It seemed like such a short time ago that Yusuke had actually begun to study under the old woman... No matter how many times Koenma said 'You knew this was going to happen, Botan.'... it just didn't seem real.. I didn't want it to BE real.
I understood Yusuke's feelings, at least a little.
I startled when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked upward through my tears to find Kurama standing behind me, leaning over the backing of the couch.
"K-Kurama...?" My voice shook with my sadness, and I struggled to get a restraint on it. I failed miserably.
He smiled warmly at me through the dim light, and I felt his hand leave my shoulder. Kurama walked around the end of the couch, and sat beside me, his hands softly rested in his lap.
"Can't sleep?" His voice was soft, almost a whisper. I'd always liked that about him.
I shook my head, though I let my eyes fall to the cards splayed out on the table top. "No."
Kurama didn't say anything right away, his own emerald eyes focused beyond the table towards the window. I glanced up at him after the silence lasted more than a minute, and noted the same look in his eyes, the same sad, thoughtfull emotion displayed on his face that had been present before he'd departed for bed earlier. I cleared my throat.
"Botan.. " Kurama began slowly, his eyes still focused towards the window. "I know this must be hard for you."
I stared at him a moment in the darkness before I felt the tears welling up again. I reached up to brush them away, sniffling a little in the process. "It really is hard... " I agreed softly, sucking in a few breathes to keep from sobbing like a child. So, he DID know of Genkai's passing?
As if echoing my very thoughts, Kurama gave a long sigh, and leaned back against the cushions of the couch. "I hadn't known Genkai that long, but her loss is deeply felt."
His words sounded strangely distant to me, as if they weren't real, but perhaps a dream amid the darkness of my tired mind. I nodded anyway, agreeing in my flustered attempts to keep from bawling like a baby. Kurama turned his eyes toward me, and gave a weak smile, one that didn't touch the depths of his dark eyes at all. It gave me a bit of a chill that helped me quiet my tearful sadness.
"But I'm sure she's confident in her pupil, and his comrades."
Again, I nodded. She had been happy to see how much we'd all learned, and gained in the short time we'd known each other. She'd said it herself, though even she had wished there would have been more time for all of us. As tired of the world as she was, it seemed to mean so much more now that she had a student. God, how I missed her!
But even as much as I missed her, I didn't really feel like talking about her at the moment. Her death was still so fresh for me, and the pain of having to guide her into her after-life beat hard against my heartstrings. I decided to steer the topic away from my pains.
"... Kurama... I.. the next battle is so close..." I pressed my palms against my eyes, forcing them to dry, and wiping away the bittersweet tears from my cheeks. I sniffled softly, and looked to him once again. "... we can do this, can't we..?"
The red-head looked at me as if I'd said something seriously disturbing, then looked back towards the window with a grim expression. I'd never really seen that expression upon his face, he'd always been so optimistic..
"Toguro is strong." Was the only thing he said in response to my words.
I swallowed hard, and pulled my legs up on the couch with me, bending them, and pulling them against my chest. I hugged them there.. very tightly. "We can't lose."
"It's not an option we really have."
There was silence in the room now, and I buried my face against my knees. It's not an option we really have... I repeated the words in my mind, over and over. He was right. We had to win! Genkai didn't give her life just for us all to die at the hands of Toguro. There were too many people we cared about to just cave in like some set of weaklings... Too much was at risk for the fighters, and their loved ones. Too much at risk for everyone.
"Botan.."
I blinked sharply as I lifted my head, turning to face Kurama. "Hmm..?"
He was once again staring at the window, only this time, he propped his head up with one hand, resting its elbow on the arm of the couch. He looked exceptionally tired to me, and it was plain that the Tournaments battles, and the current events were wreaking havoc upon his normally placid demeanor. He looked so much older to me...
"Suzuka... " He began softly, but stopped a second later.
"Oh yes." I nodded slowly. "You were going to tell me something about that? He gave you and Kuwabara gifts?"
Kurama nodded slowly, a forlorn expression cast upon his face as he continued to stare longingly towards the window. "Yes. Two gifts, one for Kuwabara, and one for myself." When I didn't say anything, he simply continued. "One is a sword hilt, and the other a potion of sorts."
"What do they do?" I blinked, curious.
"One contains magic that can transform for its weilder, to become a powerful weapon. Much like how, when held by Shishi Wakamaru the hilt became the powerful Banshee's Shriek.. if it is held by Kuwabara, it should become something as equally strong, but as Suzuka said, probably without the demon."
I wrinkled my nose at the remembrance of the strangely powerful weapon that had been weilded by that arrogant fool, Shishi. I'd hated that battle with a passion, but didn't voice this aloud. He continued again, when I didn't say anything.
"The other, the strange potion, I am told will have much the same effects that Ura Urashima's Idunn Box had upon myself. From this potion, Urashima derived the smoke for his box. The potion contains the Fruit of the Previous Life." Kurama paused, closing his eyes lightly. "Suzuka isn't exactly sure of its effects, but has told me it should be something akin to those that occured when I inhaled the Idunn Box's smoke."
I raised one brow. "You mean, you'll transform into Youko Kurama again?"
Kurama nodded slowly, his eyes opening once again. "Yes, if the effects are the same."
"How long..? Is it permanant?" Was that what was bothering him? If he transformed into Youko permanantly, he wouldn't be able to return to his Ningen life... I could see the dilemna there! I wondered absently if that was what had been bothering Kurama earlier.
"I'm not sure. Needless to say, I'm avidly reluctant to make a cocktail out of this potion of Suzuka's."
Boy, could I understand that! I nodded slowly, letting my eyes drift down to my knees, which I still hugged tightly against my chest. Suzuka could be trying to seek some kind of revenge for being bested by the late Master Genkai, he could have planned to give the items to Kurama and Kuwabara as a sort of retaliation. If you can't wipe out the one who defeated you, wipe out the ones close to her. Was that his plan? There was no way he'd just give such items away without having a sinister plot behind his motives.
There was no way this was a sincere gesture... Or maybe, just maybe...
I lifted my eyes back towards Kurama. "You aren't seriously planning on using them, are you, Kurama? I know how much Youko means to you... "
Kurama sighed softly, and turned to face me, instead of the window. "Yes. I admit that bridging the gap between Shuuichi and Youko holds a great deal of appeal to me, but unless I find out the exact effect this potion will have upon the body of Shuuichi, I fear that the bridge between the two will be burned before it is even built."
I released my legs, and turned my entire body to face the red haired boy beside me. It was strange to think that within this creature that so resembled a human boy there dwelled the reincarnated soul of the greatest thief in all of the Makai. Sleeping.. waiting for his chance at life again. It took me a few passing moments to voice my next thought. I wondered if Kurama had already found an answer for it or not... perhaps that was another reason he was so sad?
"If you do manage to release Youko by 'bridging the gap', what will happen to Shuuichi?"
Kurama winced visibly, and lowered his eyes. "To tell you the truth, Botan, I am as unsure of that answer as you seem to be. When Ura Urashima used the smoke of the Idunn Box, and Youko appeared into the battle, there was only one body..." His words trailed off, but I gathered what he was saying.
"You mean, if you drink the potion, Youko could come and fight your battles, but at the cost of Shuuichi's own existance?"
"Shuuichi would still exist, only then, it would be as if a human had been reincarnated within a demon."
"It would be flipped." My words were soft, and I lowered my eyes to the couch between us. "That's... that's not fair.."
"As the saying goes, Botan... 'Life isn't exactly fair.'"
I didn't lift my eyes to him, but I felt the couch jostle slightly, and I knew he had gotten to his feet. To win the next battle in the Tournament, Kurama would have to become significantly stronger. There was no way he could beat Karasu as he was... that particular demon was just too fast, and his power just a little too strong. Shuuichi would need Youko's help. But... but if Kurama managed to finally release Youko, and the transformation was permanant...
Shuuichi would be lost forever, forced into an existance inside the mind and heart of the only one left for him -- Youko.
"There .. there has to be a way..." I finally managed to say, lifting my eyes upward. I blinked when they finally focused on Kurama, who was standing at the window, his shoulder pressed heavily against the wall beside the glass panes. "Kurama..."
"I'll perform a few tests on the potion first. If the answers I receive satisfy me, then I'll accept the gift from Suzuka."
His words sounded strangely hollow to me, and a fresh wave of previously dried tears began to rise. I didn't even bother to hold them back. If the potion worked.. it would take away another one of my friends! First Genkai, taken from me in death, and then Kurama... no.. Shuuichi.. taken from me just to win this flipping battle! A sudden sob caught in my throat, and I reached both my hands up to cover my face, pressing the palms flat against the river of tears that had broken loose.
I heard Kurama sigh, but no words came from him, not even words of comfort. He understood the consequences, but he was willing to sacrifice anything in order to protect his loved ones. Couldn't he see? Couldn't he see that if the transformation was complete... if it was permanent... his mother would lose her son?! She would be alone!! I choked on my sobs, trying to suck in a sudden breath of air. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair at all! Why did everyone have to suffer for this stupid Tournament?!
Is that all these wretched fiends cared about? The only thing apparitions here wanted to see? Death? Suffering? If they won.. no.. WHEN they won, she hoped that at least one of the members of Team Urameshi wished for this stupid Tournament to be ended forever. They had to win.. they couldn't lose...
But even if they didn't lose the Tournament.. they had already lost so much. Even with the battles almost concluded, they still had so much to lose...
I felt a hand on my trembling shoulder, but didn't even bother to lift my eyes. I continued to cry as I sat there upon the couch, scrubbing at my face with the palms of my hands. I didn't want to take another one of my friends to Spirit World. I wouldn't.. I couldn't...
"Botan. You really need to try and get some rest." Kurama's voice was soft, again almost a whisper.
His hand stayed on my shoulder, his fingers light, and warm through my night shirt. He still sounded so calm, but the same tinge of troubled thoughts could be heard underlying each word that slipped past his lips. He had become much stronger through all of this, but it wasn't enough... How could he remain so calm, knowing what he knew? I suddenly realized that I envied him. So strong, even in the face of utter destruction. His battles were life and death. Every time he stepped in the ring, he risked his life for all of us... for everyone he cared about. He wasn't doing it for the selfish reason all the other combatants had been... Not for strength.. or riches.. or glory... He was doing it for the love of his friends.. his family...
God, how I envied him!
Kurama patted my shoulder softly, then withdrew his hand. The heat from his hand disappeared, leaving me feeling suddenly chilled, and lonely. I sniffled, and lifted my head as I tried to wipe away the rest of the tears.
"Kurama... I .. I can't ..."
"Shh."
I couldn't see him through the haze of tears that remained, though I furiously tried to swipe them away, to clear my vision. He sounded as if he had moved behind the couch, perhaps by the bedroom doors.
"I'm going to return to bed, Botan."
Yeah.. he had the right idea. God, how could he sleep, though? Again, I felt the envy rise within me, but I pushed it down hard. It was strange that I had come out here because the worry of the battles, and the losses we had received so far had made my thoughts almost too jumbled to remember to even breath.... and now... my thoughts revolved around how envious I was of Kurama's strength.
I felt a little foolish at that moment, but nodded slowly to his words, letting one of my hands fall to brace myself against the back of the couch. I caught sight of him then. He WAS standing by the bedroom doors, with one of his hands resting lightly against the door frame to the bedroom he shared with the guys. His form was mostly hidden in shadow, but even in the dim light, and through my hazed eyes, I saw that he was smiling a little.
He was trying to be reassuring, I think.
"Yes." My voice wasn't as soft as his had been, considering I'd been crying. It didn't even resemble a whisper. "Yes.. I.. I'll try to get some rest as well."
Kurama nodded slowly, and turned to head into the bedroom. As he turned around to close the door behind him, I cleared my throat a little. He paused, but his face was turned toward the floor, his hand still holding loosely to the doorknob.
"I'm sorry, Kurama... but.. but thank you." I watched as his smile faded away, and began to regret my words.
"You're welcome, Botan." His words seemed more than half-hearted, and he closed the door slowly, shutting it firmly with a small 'click' sound as the latch took hold. I sat, staring through the few remaining tears that refused to be vanquished, at the door.
Parting my lips, I sighed loudly, and sunk down onto the couch cushions face first, pressing my damp cheek hard against its surface. For once, I agreed with something Yusuke had said a long time ago.
This sucked.
I closed my eyes, and lay in the darkness, alone.
"Goodnight, Kurama..." I whispered softly to no one.
----
END
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ (Author's Notes: This was actually started way back on July 11th, 2003. I don't know exactly why I stopped typing it, but it's sat on my hard-drive for nearly four months before I finally picked it up again. I usually don't write from point of views that don't belong to Kurama.. I find them more challenging. But, in my mind, this one turned out alright. Or at least, I'd like to think so. ^-^;; I'd appreciate some definate feedback on this one, folks. Thanks in advance! 333 )
