(Answer to an FAQ for most of my stories: Perry and the boys are able to communicate through translators. The boys built them after remembering the Second Dimension. Only Phineas, Ferb and Candace (As of my other story New In Town) own the translators. If you're curious, be sure to check out my other fics! They're a series. HAPPY READING!)
(Attention if you are reading through my series: I usually upload in the order the stories go, but since I wanted to get this story up by the holidays, I uploaded it out of order. It still will make sense! There is a list on my profile of the order the stories go in if you want to see where this one fits in!)
(... Serves as a line break)
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know
So baby make my wish come true
'Cause all I want for Christmas is you
"I hate presents, trees suck, blah blah evil stockings, Christmas is so annoying." Perry sang.
"I take it you don't like this song?" Pinky asked.
"I can't stand it. It's basically this person griping about how they're single and dissing the holidays in the process." Perry changed the station. "Well, Scrooge you."
"…Scrooge you?"
"I forgot to tell you. I'm working on a whole new line of holiday-themed insults." Perry swerved to avoid a tin can in the road. "'Scrooge you' is my personal favorite. There's also 'What the jingle bell is wrong with you' and 'Figgy pudding'. I figure Figgy Pudding's a good substitute for that one word during the winter months."
"Really getting into the holiday spirit there, are you?" Pinky said sarcastically.
"Scrooge you."
"Santa Baby" began to play on the radio.
"This song is really disturbing. Think Mrs. Claus knows some random girl is flirting with her husband?" Perry asked.
"It's just a song, Perry."
"I wonder who wrote it."
"She's not really flirting with him. Just kind of."
"I'll wait up for you, dear." Perry sang along.
"Point taken. So, what are you doing this year for the holidays?"
"Let's see… I'm gonna make gingerbread cookies… including one shaped like security agent Ernest the eagle with no head. Then I'm gonna start making my gift list for people. Oh, and Peter and I will be singing holiday songs at the O.W.C.A Christmas party. I've already started making a list of what songs not to sing. Here." Perry pulled a list out of his pocket and handed it to Pinky.
"Winter Wonderland? Why?"
"It creeps me out."
"What's creepy about Winter Wonderland?"
"First of all, people conspire in front of a fire. They're plotting something evil."
"Uh, I don't think-"
"And then these people build a snowman and children destroy it. It's almost as traumatizing as Frosty the Snowman. Which, by the way, is the second one on the list."
"I see. …Jingle Bells? That's the happiest song ever."
"I thought so too." Perry said darkly. "Then I learned there were more verses."
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."
"Even more disturbing than Santa Baby. Santa gets around a lot in one night, huh?"
"Perry, I think it's implied that Santa is actually the dad dressed in a Santa suit."
"Really? Well, there's five hours wasted with my therapist."
"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire? Why?"
"That song's all fun and games until Jack Frost bites someone's nose off. And it's discriminatory. Are we supposed to assume that newborns and ninety-three year olds aren't deserving of being wished Merry Christmas?"
"Perry, 'Jack Frost nippin' at your nose' is just personification. It just means your nose is cold. What songs are you actually going to sing?"
Perry shrugged. "Haven't gotten there yet. I'll figure something out."
"Deck the Halls is on here too? Perry, you're not gonna have any songs left."
"Half the words in that song make no sense. I mean, what the heck does deck the halls mean anyway? And then there's that random fa-la-la-la-la in the middle."
"You're too picky. Why don't you sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"
"Can't. It has a swear word in it."
"No, it doesn't."
"Figgy Pudding."
Pinky rolled his eyes. "Anyway, drop me off up there. And if you want any actual help with stuff, call me when you're not in your jokey mood."
...
Perry dragged the pink tinsel up the stairs.
One of the Jeremy photos that had been taped to the tinsel fell off and floated merrily down into the living room.
"Mom!" Candace called. "Have you seen my tinsel? It was just here!"
Perry pulled the tinsel into the boys' room and deposited it at the foot of Ferb's bed. "I brought decorations."
"Perry, that's Candace's." Phineas said.
"Really? I thought it was your dad's. The Jeremys threw me off."
"Dad's friends with Jeremy?" Phineas asked.
"Sarcasm, Phin. I know it's Candace's. Are you two gonna decorate the whole town for the holidays again?"
"Yep." Phineas said. "Ferb's downstairs figuring out how many strings of lights we can use and what lights we have to save for the tree and our own house. We'll buy whatever else we need during the month."
"I'm excited for the holidays this year." Perry said. "Wanna see my song list for the songs I won't be singing at the O.W.C.A Christmas Party?"
"Sure." Phineas said.
"Fifty-two strings." Ferb said, entering the room. "Most of which are from last year."
"Cool." Phineas said.
"Ooh, Jeremy tinsel." Ferb said. "I suppose our sister will be wanting that back."
"She'll get it back when she apologizes for this." Perry extended his claws. "She tested her stupid berry nail polish on me while I was asleep."
"Only on one claw." Phineas said.
"Crime must pay." Perry said. He dug around in his fur pocket and produced a folded piece of paper. "Sorry, I gotta figure out the seating arrangements for the O.W.C.A Security Agent Honors Dinner next week. Agent B was supposed to do it, but he switched his vacation time and turned the duty over to me."
"We had seating arrangements once." Ferb said. "In first grade."
"Yeah." Phineas said. "Johnny Smith stood on the table and started a rebellion. He said we shouldn't be forced to sit in certain places in a free country. So we pushed all our desks against the door and we didn't let the teacher out until she let us pick our own seats."
"Wow. I would hate to be a teacher in John P. Tristate Elementary." Perry said.
"No, you'd just hate to be the teacher of Johnny Smith." Ferb said.
"In second grade, Johnny Smith marched in front of the school with a picket sign." Phineas said. "He was protesting the rule against eating paste."
"If you give Johnny Smith a gummy worm, he'll protest for the right of your choice." Ferb said.
"Danville is full of interesting people." Perry said. He took a pen out of his pocket and began to write up the seating chart. "Let's see… we'll put Brandon the bulldog next to Vanita the vampire bat… hey, Ernest hasn't spoken to his ex in a while. I should give them a chance to catch up at the two-person table. And let's seat Carl with all the superiors…"
"You're evil." Phineas said.
Perry grinned. "I guess I've spent too much time with Doofenshmirtz over the years. Hey, gift idea: you guys think I should wrap Jeremy up and stick him under the tree for Candace?"
"That'd be like stealing a person from the store." Phineas said.
"…What? Where the heck do you two shop?"
"I mean kidnapping."
"Limited Time Only at Jeremy-Mart." Ferb said.
...
"It's officially time for the holidays." Darren the duck said. "And you know what that means."
"Candy canes." Kyle the kangaroo said.
"Tinsel." Said Serah the swan.
"Butts." Said Ned the baby narwhal.
"No, no." Darren said. "It's time to start planning the holiday party. I would normally put Perry in charge as my right-hand man, but he says he's too busy, so I need a new volunteer. Any takers?"
All of the agents in the main room fell silent.
"Come on." Darren said. "Surely one of you-"
"I'll do it."
The crowd parted.
Peter the panda stepped forward. He held up his paw.
"I shall help to throw the best holiday party that the agency has ever seen. And I shall do it in the name of pandas everywhere. And in the name of Dane, my friend, who couldn't be here today because he's dead."
"Please don't start that again." Pinky said.
"This holiday party shall be held in association with the Save the Pandas fund." Peter said. "All proceeds shall go to Save the Pandas."
"We don't get any income from the parties, Peter." Darren said. "They're free."
"Okay, but everyone has to be aware that pandas need donations before they are allowed in." Peter said.
Darren sighed. "Fine. Not like I have any choice. Thank you, Peter the panda, for volunteering."
"You will not regret this." Peter said.
"I don't doubt I will."
The agents began to depart from the room. Peter and Darren went into the supply closet to start looking for decorations.
"We need a kind of slogan." Darren said. "Or a theme. That's what I learned from Perry last year."
"Okay." Peter picked up a red holiday ribbon and stuck it on Darren's head. "This year's theme is Decorate Everything."
