New Way To Bleed
[A/N Legally I own nothing except my ideas thoughts and feelings, NBC has all the rights. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only. I am merely a fan of this amazing Emmy award winning show and the actors who bring the characters to life. This fic takes place during the 18th season. Love Amanda and wish there were more Rolivia fics. Told from Amanda's p.o.v]
"Something happened to me on the job"
God those words seemed so far away that girl who uttered them she seems so far away yet it's only been four and a half years since she first came here to New York City from Atlanta Georgia. I can still see us in hallway of LaGuardia Psychiatric Hospital myself leaning against the wall back towards Olivia Benson. I couldn't see her face yet I could hear the concern in her voice. She wanted to know, damn I wanted to tell her to.
"Someone you worked with?"
Sometimes she could be so stubborn she didn't want to let it go. Looking back on that day I think to myself maybe if I had just trusted her then, maybe things would be different now. I thought I was so strong though I didn't need anyone to listen to me. I didn't need or want self pity, I didn't want that look, the look we give to victims to let them know it's not their fault. I've seen Liv give it to so many of the victims over the last five years. Part of me didn't want to be one of those girls. The other part of me wanted to throw myself into her arms to let it all out.
I barely recognize that girl anymore. She had hope then, hope that somehow, someway everything would be alright if she just pretended it didn't happen if she bottled it all up inside, take another drink, smoked another cigarette, gambled the night away. I never wanted to show anyone what was wrong. I tried to be the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day even when my own light was fading fast more and more each day.
Every night however I would cry myself to sleep, I got use to the pain the tears, of course sleep was a laugh if I made it through a few hours without those awful nightmares well it was a good night. I stayed silent though even when everything wrong was screaming at me from the inside. I was a good girl, I played the part well. No one ever cared enough to hold me down or forced me to cry on to their shoulders no one held me when I was afraid.
They took my act for sincerity, we're cops we didn't hug it out or get all emotional, the job already took enough of an emotional toll on us. There simply wasn't time or energy to be there for each other to force out all these buried twisted sick secrets. We couldn't or just didn't want to see the inside of each other.
So if I said "I'm fine" If I smiled and walked away no one took it any further, no one took the time to see it was all a lie. They never had the courage to say "No You're not" Why scream it out? No one listens anyway. Some scars heal with time but not all scars some just get deeper and bleed in different ways. You can't always see them it doesn't mean the pain isn't real.
I didn't tell her how could I? I just got transferred here from Atlanta, Liv she's one of the strongest, fiercest, toughest females I have ever known. Liv has shaped the heart of the special victims unit here in New York City. I've studied her for years, I admired her wanted to be like her. How could I admit to her how stupid I was, how I let myself be taken advantage of? I maybe weak but as long as she never sees it, I can go on pretending that I am half as strong as her. That I deserve to carry this badge, shield. I field off her question with a simple.
"Something not worth pursuing"
If I shut the conversation down I could shut myself down. Liv didn't seem to want to take that as an answer.
"That's how they win"
She didn't pressure me however she's good like that knowing when and where the right time is to confront someone. I wish now that she had kept pressuring me, I was so raw than the pain hadn't yet numbed me it was there burning to get out, I might of cracked. I might of gotten the help I needed, even just talking to her might of given me some sort of reassurance that it wasn't my fault. She didn't why?
Simple because I didn't matter then, I matter even less now, it's hard to find it inside of you to offer you're time love and patience to someone you don't trust. I lost all my chances of being in her heart in her life when I let my self become so consumed by my own self destruction. I should be use to it my whole life was one big mistake.
Starting with my mama getting pregnant with me. A fact she never let me forget everyday with every hit every icy hateful word. I grew up knowing I had to fix this injustice somehow.
I knew I was a burden to her so I did whatever I could to stay out of her life, I cooked, I cleaned as soon as I could hold a broom or flip an egg. I studied hard I made sure I didn't blast my music too loud. When my sister was born I took care of her so Mama could drink and date. I stayed invisible as much as I could if we didn't have food in the house. I didn't bother her with it I did what I could so Kim, I could eat. I learned to shoot a riffle when I was five by watching TV. I hunted for food, if I couldn't catch anything I stole from the local market. I was careful I never got caught.
I wasn't popular in school we didn't have money for the cool clothes nor did I care I just wanted to study hard get into a good college and get out of Georgia. All my hard work paid off I guess I became valedictorian class of 1999. Went to college got a degree in
Forensic science rose ranks quickly in the Atlanta PD which wasn't easy in Atlanta it's a boy's club. So I played the perfect girl I batted my eyelashes, flirted, dated did things I am not proud of. They tried to break me but I refused to be broken. They would never see me helpless, beaten, broken scared.
It feels like an ocean wave after wave keep beating at me my chest is raw now my lungs feel like their on a slap open decaying from all the salt. I struggle now to stay a float my neck is hurting it's getting impossible to lift it up.
Yet I have to. Wait no I don't not anymore what's the point? No one would care if I put a bullet through my head. No one would miss me. My heart was racing I couldn't stop the memories from rolling through my head in assault after assault. I drown another glass of vodka it does little to take that acid nauseated taste from my mouth, memories. I still hear Mama yelling at me when I was six. I had killed my first buck yet she wasn't proud that I had found dinner for Kim, I. She was ashamed of her tomboy daughter who had dragged blood through the kitchen floor. Her date had found it disgusting walking out on her. I still feel her palm slapping me as she screamed at me that I was a disgrace. I can still hear my little sister crying in the corner, I can still see Mama going over to her picking her up screaming at me that I had upset her precious baby girl.
Another glass the liquid burns my throat my eyes water it doesn't help it just adds to my confusion. The memories keep coming I am eight now in my dad's car he's so happy he just scored big at the casino he wants to celebrate. So he grabs a six pack he makes me drink the foul tasting beer, I spit it up which makes him mad. I can still feel his fists against my check, I can still feel his fingers grabbing my shirt ripping it off.
Years later now sitting alone in my apartment in the dark the fear still grips me. I was eight too young to know that what he was doing was wrong, yet I felt it, the coldness of his hands against my bare skin, the dryness of his lips as they kiss me in places a daddy's lips should never kiss his daughters. I remember staring up at the sky then thinking how far away heaven seemed as I laid on my back in the passenger seat of his old car.
Now I look at the brilliant New York Skyline I struggle to see the stars to see heaven once again it seems so far beyond my reach. Maybe it isn't meant for me to see only good girls go to heaven. I am far from a good girl. The smoke ring above me clogs my vision more as the dull of a dying cigarette dangles from my cold hand. My throat seems to be closing it's hard to breathe.
I hate myself with every sip I hope death comes to me soon I am so weak so pathetic. I thank god if he exist which I strongly doubt. I thank him that no one from my squad can see me now. My pride? Did I ever have it? My dignity? Nope that died when I was eight in the back of my dad's car, all the times since which he used me as his personal stress reviler. All I have left is anger depression and hate.
They say I will learn to find happiness again someday, I don't believe them anymore cause I don't trust anyone. I've learned that lesson early on I trusted my parents they used me, left me, broke me. I trusted my chief in Atlanta he raped me blamed me and made me feel like a slut. I trusted Amaro he used me for sex than left me for his wife, kids.
I don't deserve comfort, love, trust I am a horrible weak person. I tried to smile through the pain, I said the words a million times "I'm Fine" "Don't worry ya'll I'm pretty as peach" Their lies and I am a master of lies. Even telling myself it doesn't hurt I mean sometimes it doesn't when I am drunk high when I am gambling when I cut, I stare at my arms a blur of deep red scars my thighs. I can block the flashbacks out when I am using my coping methods the problem is they always end come the dawn of a new morning light,
Closing my eyes I tried to block out the latest of my screw ups the biggest most painful one. It doesn't help I didn't deserve her sweetness her laughter her arms wrapped around my neck as we danced. Those eyes that burned so bright full of life, love, trust laughter, innocence. Innocence I was never allowed to have I can't dream sweet dreams anymore it's all nightmares. I'm a slave to this pain.
I'm a failure a slut a bad mother a waste of space I get it, I'm ready to let go of it all. I feel it coming over me again the anxiety the hopelessness the fear the shame. I'm going over the edge. I know it I should call for help but what's the point? I'd only be calling to myself in the darkness. New York City the city of hopes, dreams, opportunity millions of people yet I am alone.
Freedom is it waiting for me? Or is there a cruel trick awaiting me in the next life? Is there even another life? Maybe this is it. Shakily I reach for my safety my escape the heaviness of it doesn't escape me. I must be really drunk now because I've held this gun a million times before with little effort.
Liv will blame herself as she does with all the deaths of her squad, she shouldn't I should write her a note explaining how this was all my fault. My eyes feel so heavy though I honestly don' think I can write straight. I was the one who lied saying I was fine yet I know her she's a detective she'll feel like she failed at her job. Fin he will be so angry at me he always says he's not ready for a new partner.
He'll have to be ready he will get through this he deserves a partner that isn't always screwing up one where he doesn't have to bail out all the time or wonder where the hell she is. Maybe he'll get paired with Carisi he's really a sweet guy smart a good detective. I worry about him more than the others him and I just started working together he takes things to heart something you can't do in this line of work.
I wish I could tell them not waste their time mourning me. Thinking of me I am not worth it. It's not their fault I am just so screwed up, I'm nothing I gave up it's not on them. It's all me. I can't keep fighting. No one will shed a tear over me I'm not worth any. Jesse she was worth a million tears, I've shed more than a million. The room is cold so cold perfect for me. I see the scars on my chest Liv had seen them when we were changing one day last week, she had ordered me to see a shrink not to come back until I was cleared. It's laughable a shrink takes one look at me and she'll declare me insane. I can still the tears in her eyes when she placed her hand on my shoulder.
"It's not you're fault Manda you don't have to deal with this pain alone"
She's wrong it is my fault, I am alone. I'm sorry Liv I tried I just can't do it anymore time is running out. I need to right this wrong even if some wrongs can never be made right. I can't take their stares, the pity the whispers they burn holes inside of me scarier uglier than the ones covering my body. I saw the fear in Liv's eyes she's right to be afraid these secrets are sick the feelings they cause their sick. No one an understand unless it happens to them. The cuts their just a new way to bleed. I've been bleeding my whole life.
I've had enough letting out a deep breath I look up to the sky is heaven really there? Shakily my finger squeezes tighter on the trigger. Only a matter of seconds now. I wonder what death will feel like will I be reunited with Jesse? My sweet baby girl or will I burn in hell? Will it just be a new way to bleed? I close my eyes I have so many things to be sorry for. I put my squad through hell. Maybe this will make it right. I only hope Liv can forgive me for this.
"Maybe now you can learn to trust me again Liv maybe now you will see I can handle myself. I'm sorry Liv sorry for everything I put you through please don't forget me, find a way to move on. I'll be fine where ever I end up"
"Bang"
