There is so often a temptation to wish for total and complete oblivion, a fresh start, a clean page, a chance to do life over, to do things differently. Life brings even the strongest souls, the most courageous of hearts to their knees in its darkest moments. In the split of a second, the blink of an eye, when something from down deep within us rises up and takes over our body, our mind and our actions. Heart over our head, out of our mind over matter, one gut reaction changes the course of our future completely. Have there ever been moments where we had wished to forget all the pain, the suffering, the past imperfect? Had we ever considered what that dream imagined would look like as a reality played out?
"Are you next of kin?"
"We're…." stepping forward, then back, then turning to the men flanking him at either side Donald Cragen took a breath. "We are here for her."
"We're family."
"What he said…." echoed Odafin Tutuola, taken aback but heartened by the ferocity of Stabler's words.
He had underestimated Elliot's ability to step up, and it was some small comfort in the devastation of that moment that he had done so for her, now, when she needed it most. When she needed him most, just as she had done hours earlier for him. For those with eyes to see there had been a shift since Olivia had lost Calvin. That which he had believed would lay dormant forever between his fellow detectives had sparked, small and subtle, fragile in the way it flickered and shone only in the shadows. He hadn't said anything, he never would; he cared about her too much for that. Whatever else he thought and felt about it all, the love between Elliot and Olivia was clear for all to see. For those there in the prescient earlier that day that clarity had become beautiful tragedy.
"She's stable, for now." Said the doctor, a little reticent on seeing their belted shields, their demeanour, and the way all three of them looked as though they too could benefit from medical attention. Their obvious distress and concern for his patient however was self-evident, and so he continued slowly, "The bullet was to the shoulder, in and out, there won't be any lasting damage as far as we can tell and she'll be out of surgery shortly."
"But she hit her head, right?" asked Elliot, having heard the chilling thud of blunt force trauma to human skull as Olivia had thrown herself at him with the full force of nature and hit her head on both the desk and concrete floor on her way down. His stomach rolled and he fisted his hands, clenching against rising nausea.
"Yes and this is what is currently giving us the greatest cause for concern. We are monitoring her closely throughout surgery, and will continue to do so once she's back in the ICU. Please be assured we are doing everything we can at this stage, but in cases of potential traumatic brain injury there are no certainties and often things change from hour to hour. We will be sure to keep you…." looking between the three men the doctor paused a beat, "… all… updated."
"She knew me that well. She knew what I was gonna do, how I'd react…." clasping and unclasping his hands, Elliot sat with his elbows on his knees hunched and broken, "….even before I did."
"Elliot you have got to stop beating yourself about things that you couldn't possibly have seen coming, and that you have no power to change now. That's not where she needs your focus to be."
"You don't understand Cap."
"Understand what? That this isn't the first time Benson has put herself between you and disaster? That she threw herself heart first and headlong into danger to save you and now the guilt is tearing you apart inside? I understand Stabler. Liv isn't the only one who knows you pretty damn well at this point."
"I almost shot a teenager girl today. I discharged my weapon."
"You did what any cop would've done in that situation. Her age and her state of mind make it terrible and awful but you saw her aim her gun, finger on trigger, having watched her shoot multiple casualties moments earlier. You did what any cop would've done in that situation Stabler."
"I appreciate you saying that, Cap, but I think we both know that's not true."
"Olivia meanwhile….." finding careful, deliberate words, Cragen took his time as he sat beside the younger man, "…. what she did was less by the book. How she reacted? That wasn't her cop instinct."
"I…"
"But you can't change that now either, Elliot. All you can do is be there for her, pray that she gets through this and help her get back on her feet when she does."
"When she does." Said Stabler, attempting defiance.
"Hey, anything?" asked Cragen, as Detective Tutuola returned from a reconnaissance walk.
"No, still waiting."
"Say I was thinking…." said Fin, grabbing a plastic chair and slumping into it beside them, "…. she does have next of kin right?"
"What? Simon?" scoffed Elliot bitterly. "You think we're gonna let them call that waste of space right now?"
"That isn't our choice to make Stabler." Cut Cragen quickly, naturally taking charge as though they were still in the squad room.
"Like hell it isn't, we're not doing it."
"Because you say so?" challenged Fin, his shoulders squaring and his eyes narrowing sceptically. "What gives you the right to make that decision?"
"I…." blue eyes screaming, the veins rose in Elliot's neck and there were a thousand knives choking in his throat holding back the words he couldn't say.
"We'll wait for her to get out of surgery…." said Cragen steadily, "… and then we'll go from there."
"What? What is it? Don't just look at me like that, like you…"
"I just spoke with the doctor, she's awake…."
"Wait you spoke to him already? Why didn't you come get me?" clambering to his feet from where he had been sat slumped against the railing outside the hospital Elliot struggled to stand tall.
"What's that?"
"Nothing, it's….." thrusting a small velvet box deep into the pocket Elliot chocked off tears and sniffed staunchly, "So? She's okay, right? I can go see her?"
"The surgery went fine, by the book, her shoulder will be good as new."
"Cap what aren't you telling me?" twitching, unable to maintain equilibrium without knowing she would survive this Elliot's face pleaded with Cragen for the truth.
"She doesn't remember Elliot."
"You mean what happened?" he rasped, swallowing slowly, a little breathless. "Like she's blacked out today? The shooting?"
"Elliot…." grabbing for his arm Cragen felt the need to centre him, ground him, physically if nothing else, "… take a breath. Breathe."
"What doesn't she remember?" he asked, but he needn't have. The answer was written all over his boss' face.
"Anything, any of it, all of it: not yet at least. They're calling it post-traumatic amnesia from the force of impact. Right now she doesn't even remember her own name."
