It was dark and everything hurt. Where had he ended up? The memories of his trial were vague… What had the Allfather decided? Whatever it was, he felt as if they had dragged him behind Sleipnir over a very rough surface. Loki tried to open his eyes. His whole body felt weird, wrong, as if… He managed to open his eyes and immediately noticed two rather conspicuous bumps on his chest. Carefully he fuddled them. Yeah, just as he had thought. Boobs. The Allfather had turned him into a woman. Loki wanted to pull his hair in frustration, and immediately did so. That was when the second unpleasant surprise hit him.
"AAAH!"
A girlish scream came out of Loki's mouth, and he was pretty certain he had not consciously screamed. Also, he felt he had lost control over his limbs completely. What in the Allfather's name was going on?
"Great. A nightmare. Urgh."
Not his voice, not his thoughts. Definitely not his thoughts. Loki felt confused and tried again to move, finding it impossible. Involuntarily his body moved up from what appeared to be a bed, and his hands rubbed his eyes.
"Fuck. Why did I wake up so early on a freaking Sunday?"
Loki couldn't stand hearing thoughts go through his head that weren't his.
"What in the Allfather's name is this? Who are you and what are you doing in my head?"
Immediately the body tensed up.
"Oh god. I'm hearing voices. I'm fucking hearing voices."
Loki looked around in the room, and now saw it was a fairly typical Midgardian bedroom. He started to realize what had happened... Somehow he had gotten stuck in the body of a Midgardian female. The other voice in his head was most likely the woman he now shared a body with. She carefully said.
"Okay… Test. Voice, are you there?"
"Of course I am here, you infuriating mortal! It's not as if I can get out here!"
"Err… Rude much? And err… where exactly are you?"
"In your head, you bumbling oaf!"
The girl dropped her head in her hands.
"Shit. I'm really going crazy. Dear god, how did I ever make up such a rude internal voice?"
"You did not make me up, silly mortal wench! I am Loki of Asgard, God of Mischief and Lies!"
"I'm just going to ignore it. I'm going to ignore it and then the voice will go away. That's right Lori, we're just going to ignore it."
Loki hated being ignored, but there wasn't much he could do about it. The mortal woman went to her closet, grabbed some clothes and made her way to what Loki supposed was the bathroom. There, surprise number three hit.
"HOLY FUCK!"
In the mirror stood a young girl of about seventeen years old in her underwear, coppery red curls, freckles, slightly chubby, and behind her stood Loki in full battle armour, towering over her by about two heads, horns not included. The girl was clearly in shock. Loki looked in disgust at the slight love handles, bitten nails and unkempt hair of the girl and exclaimed.
"Okay, so I have to share a body with a mortal. But why for Odin's sake did it have to be such an ugly mortal?!"
The girl's mouth fell open. She clenched her fists I front of the mirror, and Loki could see how an expression of both hurt and anger came onto her face. Good. If they thought he would be nice to this mortal they had been gravely mistaken.
"You… you…"
Not being able to hit the mean Norse god, the girl started crying.
"Don't you think it's already hard enough for me to look like this? I really don't need a fucking hallucination to tell me how fat and ugly I am, thank you very much Mr what was it again of mischief and lies! You pull my hair, you curse at me, you call me ugly, what the fuck did I do to you to deserve this? Why don't you just go away and go back to your freaking hot looking male body with your badass spear and your stupid horns!"
"The horns. Are. Not. Stupid."
The girl laughed hysterically, and Loki could simply feel how her body overreacted. Not good. Oh, so not good.
"This I have again. Of course! The universe hates me! Well, hear this universe, Lori Lauritsen hates you too! And you, Mr Horny Helmet, go away and let me get back to bed so I can pretend this never happened!"
Loki knew he had to do something to calm the girl; otherwise she might damage the body he unfortunately had to use as well.
"Could you please, please stop crying? I… err… I just meant that in comparison to the goddesses I know you are rather plain."
"Not. Helping."
"Seriously, what was it, Lori? I didn't ask for this either, if you must know. This is my conviction, my community service so to say."
"Yay. So I have a convicted criminal in my head. You know, that just makes me so happy on a Sunday morning. Not."
Lori appeared to have stopped crying, so that was positive. She had put on jeans trousers and a dark blue sweater, and Loki cringed feeling how the pants were actually a size too small.
"Your pants don't fit."
"Thank you for noticing, Mr Smartass. What was your name again?"
"Loki. Loki… Laufeyson."
If Odin cursed him to living like this, he would be damned if he called himself Odin's son…
"Very unpleasant to meet you, Mr Laufeyson. I'm Lori Lauritsen. Our names are rather similar."
"Yes. They are."
"So, what do I call you? Loki? Mr Laufeyson? I don't think I can take you seriously with that helmet though. Do you always wear that?"
"Just Loki will do. Although I would prefer if you wouldn't address me at all, actually. I have no interest whatsoever in the businesses of you pathetic mortals and there is absolutely nothing you could tell me that I could possibly want to know."
"If you want me to shut up, you'll have to return the favour. It seems you're the kind of guy who likes to hear his voice a bit too much."
"I have no obligation towards you, mortal! You should be honoured I lower myself to even address you!"
"Exactly what I thought. Seriously though, if you don't shut up I'm gonna mentally sew your mouth shut."
Lori wasn't sure she could do that, probably not, but it did have the right effect. Loki's mirror image went all pale.
"Not again…"
"Wait, are you saying you have actually had your mouth sewn shut?" Lori asked incredulously. Loki frowned and said with a voice so sharp it could have cut through metal.
"Yes."
Lori raised her eyebrows.
"Well, I can see why."
Loki was boiling internally. He was stuck in the body of an ugly, underage mortal with a big mouth and absolutely no respect for his status… He would have to change that. Oh, soon this pathetic little quim would quiver in fear and recognize him as her lord and master! Loki's thoughts were interrupted by a stroke of pain on his scalp.
"Aaah!"
"Yeah, hair pulling. Not so nice is it?"
It appeared the mortal was combing her hair. How was it possible this hurt so much? It never hurt when he combed his hair!
"What are you DOING, mortal?"
"Combing my hair, duh. Curls are hell. By the way, my name is Lori, not Mortal. Please refer to me as Lori, or don't refer to me at all. I would prefer the last one."
Loki raised one eyebrow in the mirror, and Lori scowled at him.
"Yeah. I'm about as happy as you are to have you in my head, so keep quiet and leave me alone."
Loki pursed his lips, but didn't say anything. The threat of having his mouth sewn shut was fresh in his memory, and although he didn't know if this mortal would be capable of doing so, he rather not take the chance…
(Pagebreak)
Loki managed to maintain silence for about… ten minutes. Then he felt the need to comment on the greasy donuts Lori was eating in front of the television.
"I can't believe you're watching a weight loss program while eating this junk."
Lori, who had just managed to forget about the whole Norse-God-Who-Lives-In-Her-Head incident, sighed in defeat.
"Fuck, Loki. Ten minutes. Is that a record for you?"
"What is it with fat mortals and disgustingly fat food? Birds of a feather, I suppose…"
"Could you stop insulting me?"
"Not until you stop ruining your already less-than-perfect body, you insolent shrew!"
"I do, what I want."
Lori said, and she stuffed a whole donut in her mouth, simply to annoy Loki. The god cringed at the awfully sugary taste.
"Is this your breakfast? Are you even surprised that you look like Volstagg after the annual Yule banquet?"
That wasn't true, she fitted about three times in Volstagg, but a little exaggeration never hurt.
"You know Loki, insults only work when the insulted knows what you're talking about."
"You are fat. That's what I'm talking about."
"And you're unoriginal. You go from incomprehensible to plain lame, never heard of the happy medium?"
"You are definitely not a Medium. More like an Extra Large."
"So clothing sizes you do know. Of course. I already guessed you were gay, thanks for the confirmation."
The weight loss program and the box of donuts were all forgotten as Lori and Loki continued to argue over Lori's suspected overweight and Loki's attraction to men. In the end they just settled for persistently ignoring each other, causing an uncomfortable mental silence. Loki wanted to hit himself. Of course Odin hadn't picked a nice, compliant, awe-struck little mortal for him to take over. No, he got an unruly Miss Bigmouth. Argh... Loki already felt sorry for himself, after an hour in this woman's body. That promised for the coming time…
(Author's Notes)
Yeah, this little thing just popped up in my head... Please review, I will be grateful forever! Critics and suggestions are welcomed warmly as well...
