I could hear the rain tapping on the window as I sat in my living room chair that sat directly across from a TV that was never used. I sat, my arms resting on the armrests, my feet firmly on the wooden floor. There was no other noise other than the now steady drumming of the rain.
And I sat there, staring at the dark screen that hung on the wall, taunting me to turn it on. But I didn't move.
My mind began to entertain itself with thoughts and emotions. I began to picture the sun, shining brightly over a flood of trees, blowing in the breeze as the birds they housed sung their songs. And I pictured that place. A place I had never been to. But it felt as if I had been there many times before.
I pushed the imaginary place aside and once again stared at the giant black screen on my wall.
I never knew I could cry. It wasn't that it was frowned upon, it was the fact that I never did. I was silent, I never spoke, I never yelled, I never grunted, grumbled, or even whispered into the ear of a loved one.
Because everyone I loved was gone.
Perhaps they sat in the imaginary forest in my mind. Maybe they've shown me around before in my dreams, long forgotten dreams. Perhaps they awaited my arrival, missing me as soon as I opened my eyes from those dreams.
The door creaked open, showing that the person behind it had hesitated.
"Levi, are you alright?" A voice laced with sympathy and grief asked as they shut the door behind them. I didn't answer. I didn't even move or give any sign that I had heard them.
The brunette woman stood in front of me. Her skin was a darker tone than my own and was well above my height. Because of this height difference, and because I was sitting, my unmoving eyes rested on her midsection. She bent down, allowing her brown eyes to meet my blue-gray ones.
"Levi?" My name came out of her mouth in the form of a question. I drew my brows together at the sound of grief in her voice, and I noticed the tears that trailed down her face. She was crying, something that was foreign to my own body.
And without a word, I relaxed my brows and parted my lips to say something, anything. But nothing left my pale lips, my mind still wanting to picture the beautiful far away forest in my imagination.
I wanted to show her that wonderful forest. I wanted to grab her hand and runaway to that far away forest, the forest where no one died, and the forest where no one cried. Perhaps I couldn't take her to that place. But I could erase the tears from her face, and help her find her own forest,
My right hand rose to hold her face steady, I held her face lightly, afraid that any added pressure my break her. I gently ran a thumb over her cheek, keeping the tear that trailed down it from reaching the floor. And if I could speak, I would probably say something nice. Something like 'Please don't cry'.
But I didn't speak. My eyes just stared into hers. Sorrow and grief swam in those brown pools. But they were met with my cold and seemingly uncaring blue-gray eyes.
And for a moment she was still. Her eyes opened wide before closing harshly. The noise I heard next made me jump in surprise. The loud sound made its way into my mind, causing the song birds to fly away from my special forest. The clouds covered the sky and the wind blew harsh.
She was crying, falling to her knees and screaming out her sorrows into my lap, her body shook with every shaky breath she took in between sobs and screams. It took awhile to translate the words she screamed over and over.
I'm sorry.
The hand that had once held her face now ran through her hair in a calming way.
It's not your fault
I replied to her in my head. And as if she could read my mind she picked her head up, giving me a sad smile. She moved her hand towards my face, running a thumb over my cheek.
"Don't cry, Levi, don't cry." The words laced with love were soft and quiet.
I was crying. And as soon as this realization occurred a storm broke out in my special forest, thunder roared and lightning lit the sky.
But outside my mind, I realized, I was screaming. It was not thunder that made the mind numbing sound. it was my own voice as I cried out in grief. It was not rain that fell, but the numerous tears that soiled my face. And it wasn't lightning that allowed me to see. It was Hange, as she held me close and allowed me to hang onto her. She was my light.
Her hands moved in circles on my back, trying to sooth my broken heart, and I allowed her to, in fact I held onto her tightly, afraid that if I let go, she too would only see me in my dreams.
Everyone I loved was gone,
All but one,
I love you Hange, I love you.
