AN: This will be a two-shot. Completely BB.
1.
It's…odd. It's something new. Moreover, I'm not sure if I like it, or can accept it. This, in my opinion, isn't something that's coded in our D.N.A. Fear is. Desire, hunger, anger--those we can't help, they've been there since birth. But this…this is the first time I've ever felt this, which means, anthropologically speaking…
I'm dealing with damned psychology now.
I've noticed I hold my breath when he leans over my shoulder to see what I'm working on. Sometimes it's when he places his hand on the small of my back. Before it just irritated the hell out of me, and then I didn't care because we had grown closer. We were friends and partners, and it just felt…right. Now I feel like jumping back and leaning into him at the same time! I've talked to Angela about what's been happening to me, made her swear an oath not to tell anyone, but for once, her advice about men wasn't beneficial.
I despise clichés. She started ranting about how we were meant for each other, how when we look at each other we just know or make some connection, blah, blah, and blah. I can't bring myself to write romance like that between Kathy and Andy. It hurts my eyes and makes me want to throw the computer out the window.
In addition, another recurring theme among lab discussions makes me want to practice my karate-jujitsu on my friends. Yeah, I had abandonment issues. Do I still have them? Maybe. Personally it's another trip back into psychology-land, and I'd only trust Dr. Gordon Wyatt to lead the journey…great, now I'm becoming poetic. This is what Booth is doing to me….but I digress, I'm not that fifteen year-old girl anymore. When my father left me for the second time, I had those feelings again, but they faded away and healed. And as for Sully, I left him. He wanted me to sail away with him, so I guess I was the one who deserted him. Angela tried to gently hint that I don't let people in and mentioned something about one thousand foot brick walls around my heart, and at that point I had to use every once of energy I possessed not to scoff or roll my eyes. Just because I can be distant at times doesn't mean I'm completely incompetent at relationships. I've had some--whether they lasted long or whether because I needed a biological release. My lacking proficiency is due to the fact I spend more time with dead people than living breathing ones.
Simple as that. Done.
So why can't I explain or deal with this?
It feels like there's fluttering tickling my stomach and esophagus when he cracks a smile, or teases me, or when we bicker…and especially when he calls me Bones. Sometimes I catch him throw in a 'my Bones' and whereas I used to scold his alpha-male tendencies and over possessiveness, I let it slide. And now, whenever he's in danger, I fear for him. There was always that worry before because he was my partner, but the thought of him getting seriously hurt now makes me physically ill.
I wish I could say what I was going through was a release of endorphins and serotonins, but I haven't accomplished anything exciting or discovered something new. He's just being the same old Booth.
And it's getting harder to disguise myself as same old me.
