Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, if I did you would all still be waiting for the third book.
A/N: So here it is the first chapter of my first full story, I hope, thank you for your patience, all one of you who has been waiting for this. Please remember to review when you're done. Thanks go to James018 who got me to finish this chapter and put it up and even added some parts into the story.
Tom Riddle a.k.a. Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. Wormtail were in the Minister of Magic's office and Voldemort was incredibly bored.
"I'm incredibly bored," said Voldemort.
"What are you going to do to relieve your boredom?" asked Wormtail.
"As you know I've decided to write a book so no one else will be in my situation, but I can't come up with anything so you need to tell me what to do." Voldemort informed Wormtail.
"Well maybe you could…" Wormtail started.
"I've done that already," Voldemort interrupted because he was using Legilimency.
"In that case you could always…" Wormtail began.
"That's too childish," Voldemort stopped him.
"You could always try…" Wormtail trailed off halfway expecting his master to interrupt him, and he did.
"If you're not going to give me any good ideas then I'll just have to Crucio you." Voldemort pointed his wand at Wormtail who began cowering in fear and moving any sharp objects away from him.
"Crucio!" Voldemort's spell hit Wormtail and he was instantly writhing around in pain.
"Hey, this is kind of fun," Voldemort commented. "I think I just found number one on my '100 ways to relieve boredom' list."
Keeping his wand pointed at Wormtail, Voldemort bent over his computer and typed, 'No. 1: Crucio Wormtail'
"Master, shouldn't the magical barrier around the Ministry of Magic stop the computer from working?" Wormtail pointed out.
"And shouldn't you still be under the effect of the Cruciatus curse?" Voldemort replied.
"Very good point, Master." Wormtail obediently continued rolling on the ground and shrieking.
" Of course it is, I don't need you pointing out the complete obvious, I've already given that job to someone else." Voldemort was getting angry at Wormtail for forgetting the meeting that happened two days ago. "Lucius!" he yelled.
"Yes, Master?" came a voice from down the hallway.
"Get over here and help me relieve my boredom," Voldemort ordered.
Lucius Malfoy ran into the room and instantly suggested the one thing he knew his master would want to do – "Crucio Wormtail?"
"I've already done that. What else?" Voldemort replied.
"Kill Harry Potter?" Lucius suggested.
"I've already done that! I thought that even you would have worked that out." Voldemort was getting annoyed.
"You could take over the rest of the world." Lucius' thick skull prevented him from realizing that if Voldemort wanted to do that he would have.
"If I wanted to do that I would have," Voldemort repeated the last part of my narration.
"Crucio Wormtail?"
"You've already said that! Crucio!" Voldemort Crucioed his dumbest Death Eater.
"This is almost as good as Crucioing Wormtail. Congratulations, Lucius, you've just given me my number 2 on my '100 ways to relieve boredom' list." Voldemort typed 'No. 2: Crucio Lucius' onto his computer.
"I'm glad to be of service, Master," Lucius said as soon as he could.
"Of course you are, now go away, you're not needed for the rest of the scene," Voldemort instructed.
As Lucius sulked away, wondering what his master meant by 'scene', Voldemort suddenly came up with a great idea.
"I know what number 3 is going to be!" Voldemort bragged. "I am going to play the Muggle game poker with my favorite Death Eaters."
"So who will be playing?" Wormtail asked.
"Lucius, Bellatrix and Narcissa and not you," Voldemort said while writing 'No. 3: Play poker' on the computer.
"I shall go and inform them of the poker match, Master," Wormtail said as he left to inform them of the poker match.
"And I shall stay here doing horrible and evil things, like advertising a product on eBay but not having the product so when someone buys it I'll get the money and they will be left waiting!" Voldemort looked up after his speech only to realise that Wormtail was already out of sight. "Note to self," he muttered to himself, "make evil speeches shorter."
As the poker game wasn't to be until six o'clock, Voldemort still had three hours, forty-two minutes and twenty-nine seconds, twenty-eight, twenty-seven… well you get the idea. To kill time he walked around the Ministry, blowing up clocks with his wand. He knew it wouldn't really kill time, but he appreciated the irony.
After three hours, seven minutes and twenty-seven seconds he got bored of that, at which time he typed 'No. 4: Blow up clocks' onto his computer. It was then that he decided to explore what else was on his computer besides Word, which he thought was a stupid name, there was more then one word on his screen but the title didn't change to words. He found Solitaire and began playing it but realised after five minutes that beating himself was no fun and so he didn't put it on his list. After that he found the Internet, and after five minutes of trying to find a site he managed to get onto Google, don't ask me how he typed Google into the search box without knowing what it was. His curiosity got the better of him and he decided to see what the muggle world thought about the deceased Harry Potter. Needless to say he was stunned that there were so many dedicated to the brat. The first that sparked his curiosity, after twenty minutes of searching, was titled Mugglenet. He was curious how the filthy Muggles knew what the Wizarding world called them – he had forgotten that wizards all around England were calling them such.
Although he wanted to explore the site the poker match was coming up so he had to get ready, although he didn't actually have to do anything to get ready he liked to keep his guests waiting by pretending he was running late, he thought it was dastardly evil.
At that moment there was a knock on the door. "Hold on, I'm just getting ready," Voldemort began counting the five minutes he would make them all wait. Then he got sidetracked counting up the amount of time he had spent the few hours of alone time he had had (since he had destroyed all of the clocks) and was annoyed to find that his guests, knowing his habit of letting them in five minutes late, had called five minutes early.
Making a mental note to use Legilimency on whoever had come up with the idea to do this, which he forgot almost immediately, Voldemort opened the door and let in the guests for his poker match, and Wormtail who was to keep the snack level high.
"Welcome to the first of what is sure to be many Death Eater poker matches," Voldemort greeted his guests.
"Thank you for inviting us," The Death Eaters said in complete unison, which made them sound not menacing in the least bit.
"Well, don't just stand there. Come in and sit down," Voldemort said to his sniveling pathetic guests who each had a very sad excuse for a personality, I mean followers. "And Wormtail, hurry up with those snacks," he said to his sniveling pathetic servant who had a very sad excuse for a personality.
"Coming, Master," replied Wormtail, bringing Death biscuits and Death beer (they were Death Eaters, after all) to the table.
"Okay, first question, does everyone know how to play poker?" Voldemort asked his guests.
"Yes!" yelled out Lucius.
"Yes!" yelled out Bellatrix.
"Yes!" yelled out Narcissa.
"Pickle!" yelled out Wormtail. Voldemort stared at him questioningly. "What?" Wormtail asked innocently. "Everyone was yelling something out, I just wanted to fit in."
"And just for saying something that stupid I am going to Crucio you. Crucio!" said Voldemort, who found doing this so enjoyable he decided to add 'No. 5: Crucio Wormtail again' to his list; however, because he had turned his computer off, he wrote it on the back of his hand.
The next day he realized he had done this in permanent texta.
Anyway, after this there was an awkward silence before finally Lucius asked, "Who's going to deal the first hand?"
"Let's play rock, paper, scissors to decide." Bellatrix suggested.
"That's a stupid idea! I know, we can play rock, paper, scissors to decide!" Voldemort said while giving his guests the evil eye.
"Great idea, Master," Lucius said in a sarcastic tone that Voldemort didn't pick up. The other three agreed in an equally sarcastic tone.
All four played rock paper scissors for five rounds; however, no one seemed capable of doing anything except rock. After realizing this, Voldemort decided to force Wormtail to deal the first hand (despite the fact that Wormtail wasn't playing) and the loser of each hand would deal the next one.
And so the poker game began. During the first game Voldemort got a pair of twos but because everyone else was so afraid of him he won the whole pot, which consisted of forty-two Galleons, two Sickles and seven Knuts.
The second game Voldemort got a royal flush, Narcissa got three three's, Bellatrix got a straight and Lucius got eight high. Voldemort collected the pot consisting of an amount of money I'm too lazy to describe.
The game went on for many hands, Voldemort purposely losing whenever the others money was running low, however Bellatrix had been eliminated and was forced to help Wormtail with the snacks and drinks. Of course after so many hands everyone had drunk a lot. Narcissa went so far as to state, "the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
As happens so often when people get drunk, Narcissa and Lucius got into many arguments, about things ranging from whether one cheated during a hand, to whether or not Draco would be able to play next time, to whether it was wrong that Lucius used more make up than Narcissa. That last argument lasted along time, although it went to various topics, revealing secrets that were supposed to never be revealed – including but not limited to that Narcissa is bald and wears a wig that is enchanted to behave like real hair, that Lucius has an IQ less than his shoe size and flunked out of Hogwarts in his fifth year, and that Narcissa and Lucius had been purposely losing so as to not anger the Dark Lord, who was so drunk by this stage he just laughed it off – though the next day, when he remembered, he forced them to write 'I will not cheat in poker' five hundred times on a blackboard.
This went on for a long time and was, apart from the arguments, very boring, as poker tends to be, so I won't bore you readers with the boring details. Eventually Voldemort won and Lucius came in second (don't ask me how). After the game Voldemort and his guests participated in a game of 'Crucio Wormtail', a simple game that involves Crucioing Wormtail until you get bored.
"Well, that was fun." Voldermort said when the game finally finished twelve hours later.
"For some, maybe." Wormtail commented cynically.
It was then Voldemort realized that Wormtail had been Crucioed so many times that he had become a sarcastic cynic.
"Oh crap!" was all he had to say.
A/N And there it is, the first chapter. Considering I came up with the idea about three months ago, it hasn't taken that long. Please review and tell me what you liked about it and how I can improve – the more reviews I get, the more inspired I'll be to update this story quickly! Also, any future 'ways to relieve boredom' would be appreciated – I can't come up with 100 all on my own! Oh, by the way, I know Lucius isn't really that dumb, but an incredibly dumb person always makes a story funnier in my opinion.
