Not mine, no profit garnered. Thanks to PB for beta advice.
But I'm only thinking of
A blonde ballerina age nine
And I am her daddy
And I'm a cold-hearted man
All my friends are behind closed doors
And I watch the little girls
As they traverse across the floor
-David Baerwald
xx
Beatrice, who was almost always talkative and bright and chipper, clung to Marty's neck. He loved her skinny fingers almost pulling at his hair against his neck, but he did not love that she was suddenly shy. This was her place, her preschool for the last 12 months. It could be the crowd from the fundraiser, there were kids and parents and older kids and clowns and ball pits. Many of which were things Marty didn't find fun, but Beatrice had simpler tastes. Usually.
He liked how she didn't calculate what was the safest way to be, that she wasn't anything like he was when he was four.
He rubbed her chin and said, "What's up, Bee?"
"I don't see my friends," she said.
"Do you see kids you know?" he said.
"Howbout howbout," she said, "we go to In N Out, me, you, burgers, fries. We could, then come back. We could."
He hugged her tight and set her down. "We're gonna stay here."
He was guessing, as always, what was happening in her head. He thought it was the kind of thing that would get easier as she got more words, as she grew up. He'd also been convinced that because she was his baby and he'd held her when she took her first breath that they had some kind of connection. They had a connection, but mindreading it wasn't.
Maybe she did have some coping mechanisms like he'd had in the bad old days when he was a child. That thought made him sad. "So," he said. "You know your time with me, your dad, is not going to run out. If you have fun here, we can still spend time together later." He rested his forehead against hers. "I am not going away."
He couldn't read her mind, but he could tell Beatrice was thinking. He had been away. He'd been Dale Sully and only saw his girl once a month and not for long, and only because Jess knew he'd implode otherwise. And he'd been hurt but now he was better.
Finally, she nodded. She said, "Okay, okay. But first I need the bathroom."
In front of the little girl's room, holding the door open, Marty spotted an absolutely gorgeous African-American woman, late 30s-early 40s, tight jeans, dark top. "Hi, Michelle," he said, reading from her nametag. The next part said her child was Kamran. "Beatrice, you know Kamran, right?"
"Yes," she said, kicking against him as he put her down so she could run into the bathroom. "Kamran, Kamran," she said.
Michelle said, "I've met Beatrice's mom a few times." She looked him up and down. "You are not what I pictured her dad looking like."
"Ella's slightly prettier than me, I mean, just a little, so I think it works out for Beatrice," he said. Michelle smiled.
They walked the girls out to the main area. Beatrice grabbed Kamran's hand and led her away, talking about all the attractions.
"She's making up half of that, if not more," Marty said to Michelle.
"I know, I've heard this before. You know we've had her over for playdates."
"I know, I've just been super busy with work these past few months and I am so glad that is over so I can do those playdates. As to Beatrice and her, uh, creativity, I think we're still in the she's got a great imagination stage and not yet in the we're super worried about her stage. I think. Not that we're both not constantly worried," Marty said.
"I know that," Michelle said. "You always worry."
Marty felt like one of those cartoons where his eyes were big like plates and his jaw touched the ground. He knew that large large man walking towards him. Knew him.
Sam's face looked like he was maybe as surprised and covering it much better. "Dee - Marty, Marty, you actually have a child? Here?"
"You're Kamran's dad? You're Kamran's dad. Wow, how weird is this?"
Michelle said, "Is it weird?"
"This is Marty," Sam said, putting his arm around his way too hot for him wife. "I told you about him, the new guy at work."
Michelle looked Marty up and down again. "You made him sound short."
"I am not short," Marty said. "Did he mean short of speech? Not talkative? Because I sometimes hear that."
"You never hear that," Sam said. "You have a kid?"
"I do," he said. "And so do you. I just have the one. For four years now."
"But you and Ella aren't together," Michelle said.
"Nope, not for four years and two months."
"You broke up with your pregnant girlfriend," Sam said.
"I was dumped by my pregnant girlfriend and it was actually kind of mutual and I have never not been there for my baby."
Sam nodded. "Okay, I get you. Sorry for any implication. But I have to say, I've met Ella. How did you get her to give you the time of the day?"
He said, "We were actually together for more than a year. She gave me many times of many days."
Kamran and Beatrice came running, Beatrice loudly asking for some kind of food. He squatted down to look her in the eye and noticed Sam doing the same for his girl. So that happened. They did the dad thing very similarly.
He said to Beatrice, "You're hungry, we get food." Anything served here at this preschool was sure to be gluten free, macro biotic or vegan or all three.
An hour later, he had Beatrice asleep in his arms and was walking to his car. Sam caught up with him. He said, "I didn't know you had a kid, Deeks."
"As I said earlier, I didn't know you did, either. I guess we must both be really good at keeping secrets." He cuddled Beatrice closer.
"Yeah, but you talk a lot. I'm just surprised," he said.
"I'm mostly surprised that your wife is so way out of your league," Marty said.
"Don't I know it," Sam said. He patted Deeks's arm and headed away.
"So that worked out well," Marty whispered. Beatrice didn't respond. "You know, girl, I didn't think Kamran's dad thought very much of me. But it turns out I have you as my ambassador. Which I would not have realized because I would never use you. Okay, now you go into the car seat." She didn't wake up until he got to Ella's condo, an instance of perfect timing he never expected and always hoped for.
xx
In the desert, Kensi would not stop going on about her perfect father and everything he taught her. He waited for the inevitable and being inevitable she finally said, "What about your dad?"
She looked taken back by the cleaned up version and he wondered how an adult in law enforcement could be surprised at how shitty some parents were to their own kids. On the other hand, this was his partner. His smoking hot partner. He wasn't back on the horse when it came to dating, he still woke up missing Jess. But he would like her to not be repulsed by him. He said, "My kid, on the other hand, thinks I'm great."
"You have a kid?"
"I thought Sam would have told you," he said. "Our girls go to the same preschool, they have adorable playdates."
"Sam has a kid?"
"Huh," Marty said. "Okay, so we should talk about this after we finish here, okay?"
She blinked a few times and agreed.
After they survived the guys with the grenade launcher, rides home were divvied up. Marty ended up in the back seat while Sam drove and Kensi took shotgun. After they got on the road, Kensi said, "You both have kids?"
Sam snorted. "You just had to tell, huh, Deeks?"
"I did not know your daughter was super secret," Marty said.
Kensi said, "We've been working together more than two years." Definitely a little wounded puppy in her voice.
"Sorry," Sam said, not sounding very sorry. "We're secret agents. We have to protect ourselves and our family most of all."
"You were really worried about Kensi selling Kamran's school schedule to North Korea? Because I feel confident saying she would never in a million years," Marty said.
"I agree," Sam said. He was looking at Kensi between glancing at the road. "Really, sorry, I am probably more paranoid than I need to be."
"Okay," Kensi said. "So let's move back to Deeks and his kid. I can't believe you're a father."
"And you would not if you saw his daughter. I only met Beatrice's mom -"
"Her name is Beatrice," Kensi said.
"Beatrice Alda Deeks Cazanga," Marty said.
"Ella Cazanga, the parent I met first, is model gorgeous," Sam said. "Beyond fine."
"She is actually a dancer slash model slash actress," Marty said. "I met her at the tail end of law school, start of being a lawyer. We were pretty serious for a year or so, she got pregnant, relationship fell apart. But I was there in the delivery room and I cut the cord and until I started doing undercover stuff, our physical custody was split half and half. We've made some adjustments since then," he said.
"Ella is not just fine, she's a beautiful goddess. I do not understand the attraction," Sam said.
Marty said, "Technically, she's an Angolan goddess. Ella's big sister hit it big internationally as a model back in the 90s and used her money to get herself US citizenship, then brought her whole family over. Ella was about 8. Do you want to know more, Kensi?"
"Show me pictures," she said.
Marty opened his phone and flicked to the pictures. "The one of the dog is my dog." He handed it to Kensi.
"Wow," Kensi said. "I see what Sam is saying. I mean, this is clearly Beatrice's mother and I feel like I've seen her in something."
"She had a whole scene in Law and Order:SVU. And she's done a ton of videos. Watch a lot of MTV these days?"
"Aww, no," Kensi said. "Your little girl is so cute."
"Looks nothing like you," Sam said.
"Yet, she is mine," Marty said. "It's not a negative she takes after her super gorgeous mom. She's also super smart, though. Which I take a little credit for. She speaks Spanish, Portuguese, Ovimundo, and English."
"Four more than you," Sam said, laughing.
"Hey, I speak three of those. I learned my Portuguese from Ella, though, so everyone I speak it to looks at me like I'm a freak."
Kensi said, "Angolan Portuguese is a pretty distinctive patois."
"And now I want my phone back," Marty said.
"Sure," she said, not giving it back. "Why do you have a picture of you and your daughter in the hospital?"
He reached over and took it out of her hands. "She was two, she got dehydrated from a fever." It was her first trip to the hospital. Her very first visit and she was two and it was nothing anyone had done to her. It was an extremely low bar, like ants could walk it over it low bar, but it was, nevertheless, a bar Marty had gone over.
xx
Marty and Kensi sat across from Jillian Leigh, trying to get her to help them. Marty had a general standard about never telling the truth to people he was interrogating, no real stories, no bonding based on things they shared. Jillian was an exception in that she wasn't an asshole or a criminal, but he still hated doing it. He especially hated doing it when he knew Sam and Callen were watching and who knows who else. On the other hand, she had the information they desperately needed.
He sighed and said, "Look, Jillian, I understand. It's not the same, but from the minute my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, that baby was everything on my mind. Even now, she's four, and it's like this neverending wonderful ear worm, except instead of hearing The Danger Zone in my head, it's her. And people who don't have kids always roll their eyes when we say it, but you do change, it is different, the minute that stick turns blue." He reached out and patted her hand.
Jillian sniffled and nodded her head.
Naturally Kensi waited until the next day when they were in her car, always her car, to ask about it. "That was sweet, what you said to Jillian."
"Thank you," he said.
"And you really meant it, too, right?"
"Wow, that's a nice question. Actually, no, no, I'm not even going to make a joke about how I don't really love my daughter." He stretched his fingers, pushing his hands against each other, and looked out the window.
"Sorry," Kensi said.
"It's okay, I know you're socially awkward and bad with people."
"I am not," she said. The conversation returned to normal.
xx
Kensi's head hurt. She wasn't about to admit that. So she walked with Deeks back to his car. "You have Christmas plans," she said.
"For Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. You're more than welcome to come with me to my Christmas Eve plans."
"With Beatrice?" She leaned against his car while he waited for her to decide. She had decided, but she was going to make him wait.
"I see Beatrice on Christmas Day. The whole family and every person they know in Southern California comes by Ella's mom's house for food and catching up. I get to take her home from that after she has her third dinner."
"But you don't have her tonight," Kensi said. She got in the car.
Deeks shrugs. "I already dropped off my gifts for Santa to deliver. Ella's family does the whole open gifts before bed and then more in the morning, my family never had any Christmas traditions so this way Beatrice has traditions and lots of happy memories."
Kensi wondered about Deeks's unhappy memories of Christmas. She thought about waking up with Jack gone, calling around to find out where he was and nobody knew. She said quickly, "Okay, let's go."
Her head still hurt after they spooned out food at the shelter, but maybe a little less. He drove her home and she meant to protest and wonder how the hell he would get home and she did not want him to take her car, she just stared out the window. Then she said, "Those people seem to like you."
"Okay," he said. "You know, before we make everything about me which I do enjoy, as you know, if you want to talk about anything, like Jack, or whatever, I would do that, too."
"Let's make you happy," she said. She could admit she was sexually attracted to him, but she had no intention of acting on it or going farther like making him her best friend. They were just partners, getting better at being partners. "What are you doing for Christmas?"
"Christmas Day, as I told you, I go to Ella's mom's place and she has everyone she knows over and there's my daughter and then we go home and I have her until New Year's day morning."
"What do they do at Ella's mom's place?"
"Her house?" Deeks smiled over at her. "People come by, eat, watch Christmas movies, and Nollywood movies, the kids are all dressed in cute dresses and tiny suits they will never wear again, the usual."
"Does anyone talk to you?"
"Of course," he said. "I'm not generally super popular because, you know -"
"You're white?"
He laughed. "I am not the only white person there, at all. But I am the only white LAPD officer and it's pretty understandable if they don't think that's, like, instant trust time. You know what I mean."
"I do?"
"You grew up military, you know, people become cops for the same asshole reasons they join the the military: they want to beat people up and be superior." He shrugged. "And it sucks for those of us who want to do good things, but all I can do is act right and not cover up for those shitheads. Probably like your dad did."
"No probably, that's what he was like," she said. "He was a good man."
"I know," Deeks said. "And here we are. I'm gonna call a cab for me inside."
Kensi was too tired to even be embarrassed about the state of her apartment. She went straight to the couch and laid down. She turned on the tv and started watching the CGIS marathon she'd dvr'd last week. Her eyelids felt heavy and itchy.
She woke up and the tv was still on. She had a blanket over her. A blanket from her bed. Ugh, Deeks had been all paternal and covered up so she would sleep. She wasn't sure why she was thinking ugh, but it was Christmas morning and she was responsible to no one.
She watched her marathon, ate ice cream, sourdough slices spread with peanut butter, and a warmed up burrito from Whole Foods. She went through Facebook and wished Merry Christmas to all her people who knew her as Kensi. She napped, she drank beer.
She took out her father's rifle to clean it, her three times a year ritual. (Christmas, her birthday, her dad's birthday.)
Someone knocked on the door. She got up, expecting Callen who never saw through her going out of town excuse. He'd stopped by last year with leftovers from the Hanna house and his own six pack .She wouldn't mind some turkey.
"Oh, gosh," she said. She'd opened the door to Deeks and an over the top unbelievably adorable little girl with her hair in afro puffs. Beatrice was cuter than her very cute pictures.
"Hi," the girl said. She was pressing her legs together. "Can I please use your bathroom?"
"Okay," Kensi said. "It's back there, I can, I walk you." She angled herself awkwardly to block the table where the rifle was.
Deeks said, "And I forgot your Christmas present in the car, be right back. Beatrice, be good."
"Okay," Kensi muttered. She guided Beatrice to the bathroom and opened the door. She said, "Do you need help?"
Beatrice closed the door and said, "Excuse me, I am four."
"Sorry," Kensi said.
She ran back to the living room and moved the beer and was about to cover the rifle when she heard Beatrice calling "Excuse me."
It sounded like excuse me, it could have been accuse me but that made no sense. "What do you need, uh, Beatrice?"
"I can't reach the sink, I need to wash my hands, please."
Kensi opened the door. Beatrice was standing by the toilet, her pink tights in a bundle on the floor. Kensi pushed down the lid of the toilet and helped Beatrice scramble up to stand on it. She was washing her hands when Deeks came in, smiling.
"Always wash your hands," he said.
"Always," Beatrice said.
"Beatrice, this is Kensi, my partner at work."
Beatrice dried her hands on Kensi's lone hand towel and got down to the floor. "Hi," she said. "Thank you."
Deeks nodded. "Now put your tights back on."
"No," Beatrice said. "They're itchy."
"Your grandmother bought those for you."
"I wore them all day," Beatrice whined.
Deeks swooped down and shoved the tights in his pocket. "OKay, but you're going to have to wear them again."
"No," Beatrice said quietly. "Nope." She leaned against Deeks's legs. "Tired, Daddy."
"I hear ya," Deeks said, picking her up. "Let's move this party to the living room." He smirked a little.
Kensi realized she had three bras hanging on the shower rod to dry. Jerk, she thought.
They were all back in the living room when Beatrice said, "Gun," and buried her face in her hands against Deeks's chest.
"Actually, it's a rifle," Kensi said.
"Which is a kind of gun," Deeks said, turning away from the rifle. "And what's the rule about guns?"
"Never ever ever touch a gun," Beatrice said.
"Very good," Deeks said. "And actually, Kensi, we came to give you your Christmas present." He handed her a box wrapped in garish cheap paper with a taped on bow.
"Did you just buy this today?"
"No, and I am offended," Deeks said. "I ordered it two weeks ago, I'm just not very good at wrapping presents."
She opened it without thinking he might be ready to leave. It was two tins of chocolate for chocolate milk. "Cool," she said. "Thank you."
"It's very fancy stuff, I had to order it from Oregon. Maybe if there's any left on the 2nd you can make me a cup."
"Maybe I will," she said. "Thank you."
"What'd you get Daddy?" Beatrice said.
"Hey, Bee," Deeks said. "She doesn't have to get me anything. We don't give gifts because we expect to get one in return. We give gifts because we like people."
Beatrice looked placidly at Kensi's slightly panic-stricken face. How was she supposed to know Deeks bought her anything? Beatrice whispered loudly, "Get him two for his birfday."
Kensi said, "Birthday?"
"It's next week," Beatrice said.
"It's January 8th," Deeks said. "Which is two weeks from now, Beatrice. And Kensi, you don't have to get me anything."
"Got it," Kensi said.
"And now we go," Deeks said. "Merry Christmas, Kens."
"Merry Christmas, Kinsee," Beatrice said.
"Merry Christmas, you two," Kensi said.
She debated texting him an abject apology for the state of her apartment but she thought the text would be more embarrassing.
On the 8th, she did give him two gifts. He said, "You ain't so good at wrapping yourself, princess. But thanks for the two gifts. You really didn't have to; I wasn't just saying that for Bee. I mean, I do always try to convey to her my wisdom and rules on life, but."
He opened the gifts. Kensi said, "I also ordered from Oregon, it's freaky peanut butter. With other stuff in it. And the bee, you know, you call your daughter Bee sometimes, like, just now, so I thought it was like having her picture on your desk. It's just some wood thing I bought -"
"Thank you," Deeks said. He stood up and hugged her. He smelled like the ocean on a really beautiful day. She patted his back and pulled away.
