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Rating:
Mature
Archive Warning:
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category:
M/M
Fandom:
Death Note
Relationship:
L/Yagami Light
Characters:
NearMelloMattlike all of em
Additional Tags:
trigger warning: suicideNegative ThoughtsMurderDeniallying to selfliterally just Light being Lightmean girls refferencesA lot of them - FreeformI AM SORRY
Language:
English
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Published:
2015-03-05
Updated:
2015-03-25
Words:
11134
Chapters:
2/?
Comments:
11
Kudos:
10
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3
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199
Smile! No one cares how you feel
Torapadora
Summary:
You know after seeing gods of death, killing note books and making nations fall before my feet, that I wouldn't be suprised by anything. And to be honest I thought so too. Me the great kira, the god of the new world was defeated and killed. This, however was not the thing I'm talking about, even though that IS absurd. The only thing more suprising to me right now was time reverse. Yes I, Light Yagami, awoke in my bed 2003 as 17.
Notes:
English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes. Also sorry for every mistake and if the story seems rushed.
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Chapter 1: The return of kira
Chapter Text
You know after seeing gods of death, killing note books and making nations fall before my feet, that I wouldn't be suprised by anything. And to be honest I thought so too. Me the great kira, the god of the new world was defeated and killed. This, however was not the thing I'm talking about, even though that IS absurd. The only thing more suprising to me right now was time reverse. Yes I, Light Yagami, awoke in my bed 2003 as 17.
My first instinct was to yell at Ryuuk, obviously that fucking shinigami held back some very important information again. But no Ryuuk was in sight. God fucking damn it of course I had to wake up before I picked up the death note. Just my luck. I groan and roll over. I almost forgot how warm and comfortable blankets were, kinda strange that these small things somehow disappeared once I picked up the death note. I snuggle futher into the blanket, feeling the fabric across my body, the clean smell making me feel like everything in the world was wonderful. My eyes closed and I could feel myself going into the best slumber I've had for what feels like an eternity.
But as everything good it had to end. My alarm clock went off- I'm 17 which means that I have school. After spending the last few year - or future years perhaps - as a working adult and God, going to school was not a very pleasing idea. I already knew everything so it was basically useless for me to go. But I had an image to uphold, just fake smile and suffer through. I've done that all my life.
I step out of bed, the warmth of the bed leaves and the cold hits my skin making me want to go back instantly. I quickly got dressed and went down stairs. I saw my mom in the kitchen making breakfast for me and Sayu. The scene should't have made me cry, but it did. Seeing her after dad died and Sayu being traumatised, she didn't smile. Seeing my mom happy again, her smile not caring about anything else but simple things.
''Oh Light what's wrong honey?'' She asks worried,
''Nothing mom, everything is fine'' I lie, smiling and sat myself down on a chair. I started eating only to feel like I was going to throw up.
I excused myself from the table and quickly went out the door. The bad feeling in my stomach hadn't stopped and my troath was filled with a burning sensation, I took deep breaths trying to get the feeling to go away.
As I walked in the street the happiness I felt quickly disappeared. This world was rotten. I had not yet obtained the death note, I was not god, there's little to no justice. Soon I remind myself, soon I will have it and then I will change everything.
At school everything was bland and boring. Bland and boring. Days went by. No signs of the death note. Boring and bland. For every day that passed I felt the numb feeling that I felt before the death note saved me. I felt like everything was meaningless. One day it happened, on tv the man held the children and women hostage, and nothing happened.
I slowly went back into my roll of a perfect son and student. Everything in my life was pointless. I would never meet L, no one who could entertain me. I realised that without the death note I was no longer god, I had fallen from grace.
Some things however did get better without the death note. My family. They were all happy, living their normal lives without having to worry about kira.
but -
I missed Ryuk. He was my best friend as strange as it sounds. I missed his laugh, the way he'd tease me, the way he complained about everything, his bad jokes and those times we played video games together. I missed it all. I missed killing. My hand twitches and every cell of my being craves it. I feel like without the death note - my life is useless.
So I decided to end my life.
How was I going to end it? My dad has sleeping pills for when work gets really hard on him, overdosing would be easy. When everyone was asleep I sneaked into the bathroom, the pill where there. I opened the package only to find it empty. I went down into the kitchen and grabbed a small knife, a kinfe that mom usually used for cutting strawberries or mushrooms with. I go back into my room.
As I rested the tip of the knife on my wrist I could feel his presence behind me - laughing 'Come on Light, why don't we just play some mario cart come on I could totally beat you this time'. I could not bear it. Tear filled my eyes, my hands were shaking but I know I had to be done.
I quickly cut both of my wrists. I still heard his voice which comforted me. Who would have ever thought that the only thing that kept me alive was killing and death - and that somehow a god of death would brighten up my life that when he was gone - something like this happened. My vision becomes blurry, I was lightheaded and it was a wonderful feeling - but eventually everything went black.
I am a lucky guy, somehow things always go my way. If I wanted something I got it, if i wanted something to happen - it did. But that luck had been very helpful for me, except for now. I woke up in a hospital. There was no one present, so I laid there looking up at the cieling. In my head I could hear his voice mocking me 'You're in trouble now aren't you Light?'.
A nurse eventually walked in, she didn't do much except ask me how I felt, I charmed her and told her I was fine and thanked her for everything. I heard her some hours later telling other nurses when they walked by my room about what a sweet boy I am. I smiled, making people happy has always been my life goal. When I was Kira people like that nurse was safe and happy, now how much could I really do for people like her? Nothing.
You know fun things to do at hospitals? Me neither. There's none. Literally none. The only thing to do was to dread meeting my dad. The nurse told me that visiting hours started at seven, and there was not a lot time left. It's funny how the last time I was at a hospital it was the time he died. I wonder how he would react, seeing me like this.
This was probably the last thing he expected. He saw me as his happy golden boy. I don't want him to feel like he failed being a father, he was the best father ever. He just couldn't help the world I was born in, he couldn't help my intelligence that made it almost impossible to entertain me. I love him and I don't want him to go through this.
So when he stepped through the door I couldn't help breaking down crying. He sat down on a chair beside my bed, and I quickly wiped away any tears that came through my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at him so I looked down on the sheets. I could hear his breathing besides me. Oh god I felt like a horrible son. I don't want this. I don't want this. I want to disappear. Oh god why didn't I die? A shacky breath left my lips.
I could hear him moving towards me, he hugged me hard. ''It's okay son, I love you so much you know'' He said. I could hear that he was close to crying by his shacking voice. I couldn't help my self and I cried hard into his shoulder.
''Oh god, dad I'm sorry I'm so sorry'' I repeated again and again.
We hugged for what felt like an eternity, my tears eventually stopped and our hug did too. There was a long paus, neither knew what to say. He did break the silence.
''Son, I only have one question. Why?'' He asked.
Oh. This was the question that I didn't want to answer. I took a deep shacky breath. I don't want to answer it, I really don't but - ''I...I was bored.'' I sobbed again, ''I know it's stupid but I just couldn't go on living like that - this I just oh god'' I cried again. Oh god how on earth could you cry so much?
He took my hand in his, ''It's okay son. I understand. We will make it through this together. I swear. But I want you to trust me okay? Tell me what you're feeling and thinking and we can do this''
''Okay dad, I will try'' I said wiping my tears of with a smile.
How humiliating...
Two year has passed since then. Me and my dad are closer than ever, but I still felt empty. I felt wanted - but at the same time the thoughts of did he actually want me or the Light Yagami he thought he had?
I was studing law, second year. These classes didn't really mean much to me seeing as I've experienced it before. I was doing this more because it was necessary for me to get the degree to be able to join the NPA.
My life however was as boring as always. No signs of the death note what so ever - Misa didn't even have one. I know because I checked. It was a dreadful experience that made me cringe everytime I thougth about it. I was so stupid, it was so embarrassing to think about. All those people watching while she talked loudly and clinged to me as I had to pretend to like her on the date.
No signs of L either. It would be impossible for me to contact him, I could hack him and end up in jail for the rest of my life but I don't think that would benefit me that much. Or maybe it would, I've never been in a prison for all I know I could manage to be the leader of an inmate gang and we'd overthrow the govnerment or something.
I went home, I was tired from spending several doing absolutley nothing in school. If you replaced school with anything that happened in my life it would still be accurate. As sad as that did sound it was true. I was tired from spenfing several hours absolutley nothing but narrating my life in a sarcastic tone.
Ha.
I should just stop thinking.
At home Sayu and mom greeted me,
''where's dad?'' I ask, Sayu looks at me with big excited eyes.
''He got called to an important meeting, he didn't say what it was about but if you ask me I bet it's a meeting about -''
''Sayu! You don't know anything'' Mom interupted her with. Sayu pouted,
''Killjoy...'' she said.
I was confused, I wanted to know what they talked about and somewhere deep inside of me a voice awakened and said to me that they were talking about Kira. But I didn't have the Death note. ''What are you talking about?'' I ask.
''You don't know?'' She asks,
I raise an eyebrow ''obviously no''.
She jumped from the couch where she sat and screamed ''Oh god Light! How could you even miss it?! It's Kira!''
My heart stopped. Kira? How could this be true? I didn't have the death note, they could be referensing another another murder who got the same name as me - this made me upset,
''Kira?'' I ask.
''Duh, you know Kira the guy who kills all the criminals and such!'' she said, feeling oh so very proud over the fact that she knew something I didn't.
''Oh yeah'' I say awkwardly.
I had somehow gotten attached to the name Kira. To think that someone used my identity made me feel cheated. Like someone stole a piece of me. I went upstairs in my room, trying not to run or seem strange.
I instantly turned on my computer and searched information about Kira. It said that Kiras first victim was Raku Hitoshi, a rapist and murdered. He had killed and raped 3 women. He died of a heart attack in jail. Kira executed several more criminals, following my pattern exactly. No one who's killings were justified by situation, which shows that this new Kira has the same ideals as me.
So far the most criminals who were killed was japanese, which indicated that the killer was japanese. Mikami was the first person that came to mind, but seeing how his loyalty is as strong as steel I'm certain that he would have contacted me. Which leads me back to zero.
I only have one object in mind - find the death note and reclaim my title as Kira.
I was exhausted, I spent the last two weeks doing everything in my power to find Kira. I hacked into the police database and found nothing - which was expected from the NPA, they didn't have the resorces or intelligence as L, and if I knew L right we wouldn't share what he knew with the police. Selfish bastard. Probably already knew who Kira was, with his resorces and all.
This new Kira was more careful then I was back in the days, I noticed. They never had a set time where they killed but they criminals were killed regularly every half an hour.
This could mean two things, Kira doesn't go to school nor work or kira decided the times of death. I Guess on the latter. Or I hope, if the person who took my identity and death note was some nerd sitting inside all day having no life what so ever - was not worthy of ever taking my title.
''Light honey?'' Mom shouted from the kitchen.
''Yes mom?'' I shout back.
''There's something in the mail for you'' She said.
''Oh Okay'' I said and got up from my computer desk.
I got dizzy and took a hold of the desk my balance and my vision was blurry from the lack of sleep. I rubbed my eyes and groaned. These weeks I hadn't slept nor eaten at all, my body was very weak. I wondered if this is what L feels all the time. If it was holy shit, he must be sick.
I went down took the package from my mom, kissed her cheek and thanked her. Sayu called me a suck up and as I didn't have the energy to fight I ignored her. It's not like I'd lose to her. If I could out sass L I could out sass everyone.
The package was most likely the books I had ordered, psychology books focusing on the psyche of serial killers. Self research you could say. Not that my murders were unjustified in any way, I was justice after all. Still interesting to read up on. No self doubt in me though.
I went up to my room opened the package, the first book was called 'Understanding the motives and justifications' by Mary Sheild. It focused on the deceptions serial killer told themselves to justify their actions. I looked at the cover with satisfaction, ah yes this will distract me from my horrible situation of not finding Kira.
The second one was called 'The developing psyche' by Micheal Hellea. It was about sociopathic minds while growing up and how to spot the signs that someone is a sociopath. I know that I wasn't a sociopath, at least I think I'm not. I'm not ruthless nor lack a conscience, but I do believe I may have some traits found in sociopaths. But everyone had some trait of something bad, it was only natural after all.
These were the books I ordered but the box was not empty. I raised my eyebrow and look inside the book and my heart stopped. I looked in disbelief and took out the small book from the box.
If anyone else was here to witness this they would say this was the moment everything went to hell. I felt the familiar texture across my hand. The fabric lit the fire that had been since long forgotten.
I quickly grapped a pen and opened the notebook. The pen rested just above the first page. No names had been writen in the notebook yet. Which obviously means that the new kira had another notebook. Who and why came into my mind. If they know who I am why not kill me? What could they gain from keeping me alive? Or perhaps... Perhaps fate wanted me to carry out my mission. As embarrassing as that is my eyes lighted up at that thought.
A little piece of papper slipped out, I took it and read it. On the piece of papper it was written 'After 5 hours of reciving this package I will call you for further information and our collaboration'. So this was sent by new Kira. But... Why did they send it to me? If they themselves doesn't have the memories? The light from my eyes disappeared for a moment at the disappointment that it wasn't fate. But it quickly came back in a scarlet flash.
I could feel my hands shacking, not from confusing of who it could be but from wanting to write in the notebooks. I quickly hacked into the police records and started writing, a small giggle came from my mouth. Kira is back.
4 hours and about 55 minutes since the package had arrived, I spent most of the time writing in the death note. This satisfied me more than anything, years of keeping the need away from the surface finally came out and could be put at ease. But now I waited anxiously for the call, the curiosity was killing me.
I couldn't help to think about what would happen afterwards - I grinned, I have a death note now and I'm unstoppable. I'm alive. I can help people. I am Kira. I am God.
The only thing standing in my way was L. I know I could just write L's name in right now. But it would be a lot more boring and I would cheat. I need to find out his name here before I write it. It's unfair otherwise. I am not a cheater. What God would I be if I would lower myself to that level?
Finally my phone started vibrating ''Hello'' I say, sounding confindent as ever. Who ever this was I could beat them.
''Hello Light Yagami'' The voice said, a voice I would never forget even if i tried too. I was speechless and almost dropped the phone out of shock. Never in my life would I have thought to consider that Kira would be him. It was simply so ironic, and confusing but amusing nonetheless.
''Suprised?'' he asked amusment hidden somewhere in his monotone voice. ''Don't worry I'm not your enemy this time, as you should know.''
''Oh? I'm suprised.'' my smirk grew bigger and bigger by the second, Oh life just got so interesting. ''You never seemed like the Kira type.''
''Don't get me wrong, I'm not on anyones side really. However your side just seem so much more interesting to me. After all what's thrill of playing the same game twice?'' He said, our amusment matched each others. ''I just get bored, don't you agree Light? That was your motivation was it not?''
Cheeky brat. ''So what's your plan anyway? You know I could just kill your right now.''
''But you won't. For the same reason I didn't kill you, but we have to come to an understanding now. Seeing as this timeline is diffrent I seem to be older. I will graduate soon in a month. And then I'll come to Japan. We will discuss the matters there seeing as it will be more safe, but until then you keep doing what you do. I will keep out from the killing for now. So do we have an agreement?''
''I can't wait. See you soon, Near.''
In the center of tokyo, the lights seen from above could only be described as beautiful, in a dark fancy hotelroom only lit by the light of a laptop sat a dark figure hunched over, biting his thumb.
The only sounds that could be heard from his hotel room was the sound of his own breathing and the cars down on the street. The man had a made a discovery that conflicted his feelings greatly. This disovery would futher his investigation but would also make the NPA distrust him if he would act upon it.
Kira's recent kills were mostly criminals who's identities had not been showed to the public, which meant that Kira had inside information. None of the officers had risen his suspicion, so he doubted that one of them actually was Kira. He had no choice but to spy on them he concluded.
''Watari'' He said, calling to a second man who entered the room, ''Contact the FBI for me please. I have reasons to believe that we have a leak.''
''Of course.'' The elderly man said, but he did not leave the room to contact the FBI. ''You know, your succesors are graduating soon.''
''Yeah, so what?'' The man infront of the laptop asked,
The man called watari looked at him disapprovingly ''It would be a very good opportunity for them to work on a case, to gain experience. And it wouldn't hurt for you to get some help either'' And it would help you to decide who will win, went unsaid.
The man looked at Watari, ''I suppose you're right.''
I was on my way home from school and I saw him, Ray Penbur. He was walking behind me, I saw him when I noticed a sound and quickly turned around. I acted as if I saw nothing and kept on walking. Inside I was really excited.
I wonder how I should kill him (and the rest of the FBI agents)? It had been 8 weeks since he stalked me and time for me to kill them. I guess I could make them kill themselves by disgusting suicides like stabbing yourself to death with a pen. Hah. Yes that sounds good. They all got their special little gory deaths, I made Rays especially gory just to spite Naomi.
I'll let her live this time. It would be exciting to see her work with L. And gaining her trust only to see her face when I reveal that I was the one who killed her fianceé. The thought made my stomach flutter. I did gain some sadistic pleasure from revealing to people that I screwed them over without them knowing.
''Hello Light Yagami'' The white haired teen said through the phone.
''Hello Nate'' I say, with a friendly tone. It was genuine, which suprised me a lot. Nate didn't really keep his promise not to kill. He didn't murder a lot though, but what he did was leaving jokes and incredibly bad puns. L wouldn't notice, because a man dying because he ate too many apples and chocked would not make much sense to him. I grew found of Nate he was interesting.
''I'm in japan, I would actually like to meet you. And just because I love you so much, I've already called a cap. It will arrive a street before yours in about...3 minutes. I would hurry up If I was you'' He said and hung up.
What a fucking bitch.
I quickly told my mom I'd go meet up with a friend and hurried down to the cab. We drove right into the heart of tokyo, were all the rich snobbs and business men lived. He dropped me off infront of a tall hotel, those only rich bastard could afford. Typical. The cabdriver gave me a note, which said 16th floor room 547.
I went up the elevator with a middle aged western woman who made awkward attempt to flirt. I was polite to her, but I was very disgusted. I have had many girlfriends in my life believe me, but I did nothing except small kisses. The thought of sex with women disgusted me. Misa tried to sleep with me resulting me having to run to the bathroom to throw up. I told her some 'I don't want sex before marrige' bullshit.
I finally reach my destination and excuse myself. I find the room and knock. No answer. Seriously. What the actual fuck. I knock again. If he dragged me here and doesn't even open I will fucking cu-
The door opened. Not by Nate. But by L. Oh that fucking brat I will fucking kill him. How the hell can I possibly explain this?
He looked at me, like he expected someone else – probably Watari or else he wouldn't have answered I suppose. ''Can I help you?'' Oh god he looked just like I remembered him, like he was hung over, hadn't sleept for weeks and that hairbrushes wasn't a thing. The sight made my heart skip a beat. I didn't realise just how much I missed the man. The horrible childish man who also was wonderful and my friend. Not now though I though.
L looked at me like he was expecting something and I realised I had spaced out.
''Oh, I'm so sorry, I must have gotten to the wrong hotel, can't really trust cab drivers these days you know'' I say with a charming smile but a small blush was rested on my cheeks. How humiliating.
He stares at me with those analysing eyes of his, ''I suppose so'' I give him another polite smile, of course he didn't know. He has probably never had another person drive the car he was in other than Watari. How stupid of me. But it seemed natual, I reminded myself. ''I guess this is good bye then...?''
Oh god he was asking for my name. I could lie but he would eventually learn my real name through my dad. And if I lied here it would seem suspicious. Oh god damn it. ''Light Yagami''
His eyes widen in suprise. ''On second thought why don't you come in for a while? It would be rude for me to not too''
''Um no I don't think that's very appropriate I don't even know your na-'' I try to protest.
''Oh no I insist – I'm Rue Ryuzaki'' He said, name in the wrong order I observed. He dragging me into his room. He closed the door. He guided me to a table, and we took the seats opposite of each other.
I have never wanted to kill Nate more ever than now. Even when we were enemies.
''So Light – May I call you Light? How's your life going'' He asks, observing me as if I was a cake that he had to cut into pieces.
''Ah yes you may. Life's fine. Finishing my second year of university – law'' I answer, and give another awkward polite smile.
It was kinda strange seeing him alive, the last time we meet he was dying in my arms. Now we were chatting in his hotel room. Lifes strange. No scratch that Nate's an asshole. L stood up from the chair and went to the fridge and took out a piece of cake.
''Want some?'' He asks. I shake my head.
He sat down again, ''law huh? You must have a strong sense of justice then?'' He looks very casual but the look in his eyes told me that this was everything but casual.
God damn it, I was not ready for this. This was a golden moment for L, one of the people the FBI stalked right before their deaths. A Kira suspect, right at his table.
''Don't we all?'' I reply,
He takes a piece of cake and eats it and lets the fork rest in his mouth for a while. ''That didn't answer my question.''
''Actually yes I did. If you read between the lines that was a yes, I do have a strong sense of justice'' I say in a passive agressiv tone, but I still smiled. Oh god How I missed our small arguments. This was so pathetic, I was getting so emotional on the inside.
''Hmm interesting.'' He mumbles and continues eating his cake. He looks at me up and down analysing. If this was anyone but L I'd think they're checking me out, but since this is L I know he's not. I'm pretty sure he's straight if anything, he did say that thing to Misa. Not that I felt jealous or anything. He can like anyone he want. Defianltly.
''So..'' I say trying to break the awkward scilence and my horrible train of thought. ''Do you live alone?''
He doesn't respond and I give him a questioning look, he breaks out from some trance and looks confused for a moment.
''Um yeah, yes I'm single'' He said, in a slightly weird tone. That was totally not what I was asking but okay. ''What about you, do you have a girlfriend?''
''Ah no not really.'' I say.
''Boyfriend then?'' he asks jokingly.
''Not yet.'' I say, he looked shocked for a moment. HAh got you bitch, bet you didn't expect that! Not that I was gay.
''Oh...You didn't look like the type'' He said, looking down at his plate only to find it empty.
''Type to be gay?'' I say sceptically, even though I'm not gay I'm smart enough to know gay doesn't carry characteristics.
''To be single'' He replied.
''Oh...Yes I am quite too handsome for it'' I say jokingly.
He looked at me like I was some self obsessed jerk. Which I was not thank you very much. But seeing as L has the social skills of a rake he probably didn't realise I was joking.
''It was a joke'' I explained.
''Oh...'' He said.
''Ryuuzaki this has been a lot of fun but I still have to meet my friend so if you don't mind...?'' I say, I didn't really want to leave but I also did.
''Of course not'' he replied.
we said our good byes and I quickly reached for my phone. I looked through the call history and found Nears number. I click on the call button. I missed L already. Ugh. Why is emotions a thing they were only annoying. I didn't even miss him before but nope when I see him I am hit with a truck of feelings.
''Ah, yes Light, hello.'' Near answers with that smug voice of his.
''Nate what the fuck'' I ask him,
''Well, I'm sorry Light but you do have a very bad habit of underestimating me. This was to show you that we are indeed on the same level, I want you to know that I know where every piece of the puzzle is resting. Did I make my point clear?'' He explains.
''You sure did. But our meeting is not off yet, is it?'' I ask.
I could feel his smirk through the phone. Oh he thought this was so funny. ''No just go to the hotel opposite of the road.''
He opened the door and let me inside. The room was clean and really really fancy. In the middle of the main room was a towm built only by white legos. I don't know how he managed to get so many legos in here and not look like an idiot. The thought made me snort.
He took a seat on a couch by the side of a wall, and I sat down beside him.
''Hello Light Yagami'' He said.
''Hello Nate Rivers'' I say, he twirls his hair with his finger.
''So here's the plan''
University was a waste of my time as usual but today was going to be special, our class would get a visit from someone who graduated and works with law. And since luck is always with me, that person would be Mikami Teru.
I would charm him, me and Nate planned on this. But that he'd walk right into my palm was unexpected. Somehow i just loved how things went my way, unlike the last time with Misa messing just about almost everything. Me and Nate thought the same, it was like a second me.
So I woke up early, and put on my favorite white pants and a light pink thight fitting longsleeved v-shirt. Then I went into the bathroom, washed my face then I went through Sayu's make up bag put on a thin line of eyeliner winged style and a layer of brown mascara. It made my eyes pop in just the right way.
I finally went down stairs and into the kitchen. Mom had already made my breakfast. I give her a smile and say thanks.
I sat down and watched the tv from the table. Sayu was watching some show with that Hideki ryuga in it.
''Light I never noticed but you wear pink a lot.'' Sayu said out of the blue, not breaking her gaze from the tv.
''Well Sayu on wednesdays we wear pink'' I say jokingly, but I was serious. I wear pink every wednesday.
''Uh why?'' She said confused and gave me a look of cluelessness.
I gasp. ''Oh my god Sayu, how can you not have seen mean girls? Regina George is like my spirit animal. I am literally so offended now.'' I said giving her a teasing smile.
''Okay, bro'' She replies sticking out her tongue at me. ''Whatever you say, quiet now my future husband is on the screen'' She said looking at the tv with and intense stare.
Mikami held a lecture before lunch, I couldn't approach him there, but seeing as he also held one after lunch I decided to have a pleasant luch with him. It wouldn't seems strange as I always ate lunch alone, I have done it as long as I could remember. Perhaps while eating and the silence of being alone gave me peace and time for me to be myself and not a reflection of what everyone wants to see. Hah. Oh god that sounded so cheesy. How disgusting.
Mikami sat in a corner of the cafeteria, I walke up to him with a confident smile and swaying hips, ''Would you mind if I sat here?''
His gaze stayed on my hips and torso, ''Of course not''.
I took out a lip moisturizer and used it all over my lips, now his attention was also on my perfect face. I saw in his eyes that I had his lust. But to gain his love he needs to fall in love with Light Yagami's personallity.
''You were wonderful up there, Mr. Mikami'' I say with a sweet smile, ''Your passion for justice is admirable. I could relate so much, it's almost like it's fate that we met'' I could feel myself laughing on the inside. This was literally so generic and bland for me now that it was humorous.
''Why Thank you...?'' He says, his eyes full of pride and cheeks filled with the slightest pink. Oh my god this man was easier charmed than Misa.
''Light, call me Light'' I say with a flirty tone and bit my lip in that way people do when they try to be sexy. It seemed to work. Though I felt awfully ridiculous.
''Okay then...Light'' Mikami's voice got darker and his stare intenser. He was so turned on it was not funny. It kinda disgusted me in a way but not as much as it amused me.
We talked about a lot of things and in the end we had planned to meet again on a date, Mikami was an admirable man with priorities set straight, to have some sort of relationship with him would not only benefit Kira's cause but my love life would be secured. A man with a stable job and income, polite, handsome was perfect. The only thing dad could complain about was the age difference. Perfect disguise and cover.
I called Nate, ''Mikami is taken care of''.
L sat and looked over Light Yagami's file once more. Spotless, the boy was the smartest in Japan and the only thing out of the ordinary was a hospital visitation, he had to ask Mr. Yagami what that was about seeing as the file didn't say anything about what the visit was about.
L had met the boy and the boy acted as natural and normal as anyone else. But there was something him that was so fake. Everything he said was either to avoid attention from himself and avoid questions but still say everything that L wanted to hear. The boy was a mirror, L mused, analysing people and reflecting them.
L knew that if he couldn't get past Light Yagami's mask, he would never know if he was kira or not, because if he wanted the boy to be kira there was the possibility that Light would reflect those signs he was looking for. L thought of why the boy had begun to do this, he must have done it for the long time because he was damn good at it. That also begs the question why he started doing it?
But L didn't have time to think about that boy anymore he had more pressing issues to take care of. Which was the fact that his succesor was coming any moment now. L could lie and say he wasn't nervous but oh god he was. This would be the first time he'd let someone work close to him, not just taking orders. He had met them and of course he got along with them but that was on a whole diffrent level, the power structure would change and L wouldn't like – he disliked it. He liked being in control after all. It was important to keep things in order.
''L, your succesors have just arrived to japan'' Watari announced. L sighed.
There was some days when I just looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I am flawless, but my eyes is what I hate. They look so empty. That's what I am, empty. Am I really just someone at all? It was as if I was acting out a play but was starring as diffrent people. Light Yagami the perfect student. Light yagami the perfect son. Light Yagami as the perfect boyfriend. Light Yagami as kira. I wonder if I had worn a masks way to long and I am now unreachable.
Kira was bored. Light Yagami was bored again. It made me so fustrated. What the hell could I do to ever be satisfied? I should think like this – I really shouldn't. But if I died justice would still be served. Nate is out there and so is L. If I died nothing would be lost.
I got the realisation that Kira was never about justice it was about me forming some meaning. I couldn't take it. I wouldn't – I can't. I don't know if I'm Light Yagami playing Kira or Kira playing Light Yagami. Who even was Light Yagami? He didn't exist.
I couldn't sleep for the haunting nightmares, I couldn't go about my normal life because everything was so dreafully boring. Everything was playing on repeat. I couldn't take it anymore. These feelings, I thought they'd disappear once I got the death note.
And these thoughts led me the the scene where we are now. I, Light yagami, had the note book open, furiously writing names not stopping one second. Die. I wanted them to die. I wanted my feelings to die. I want L to die. I want Mello to die. I want Kira to die. I want Light yagami to die.
Angry tears formed in my eyes as I sat there and self pitied – how pathetic am I? I throw the pen in the wall in fustration. I bury my fist into my hair. God fucking damn it. Why do I even exsits? I am such a fucking failure – what boy wore pink, make up and fucking killed people? Not a perfect one that is! Not the son of Shoichiro Yagami, he would never do that, he believed that every person had the right to live! Have I really lost myself that far that I – that I – I slipped up.
I don't want this. I don't want myself. Fuck this. Fuck me.
I take a final look in the mirror the morning after. Nothing about me has changed. My feminine eyes and face stared back at me as I smile bitterly ''Pathetic.''
L sat in the room with Mello and Matt. Mello was dutifully reading through all of the information about Kira while Matt kept playing on his DS. L could feel his irritation growing, from the clicking noise from Matt's Ds to Mello's page turning and most of all the lack of Near presence. The kid had gone off – saying he had no intentions of being L. In the last moment. This kid had gone around acting like he intended to become L and drop off with no warning - brat.
L sighed and took another bite into his strawberry short cake, he disliked that he was sulking but – god damn it! He was used to privacy and respect, he was L he shouldn't have to deal with this. Not to mention that Kira went on a killing spree. It aggrivated L, Kira seemed like a diffrent person. First kira was a conculated killer with not one wrong step – but now for him to do something so out of character? It left L wondering what he really was dealing with.
And now more and more members of the NPA was leaving the kira case. L just had to wait until the most loyal were left. He could make a small task force – with Mello and Matt being there why not have some more, L thought sulkingly. That Naomi Misora had been bugging the police to talk to him, inviting her could work great. This was actually true and not just him thinking in angry self pity.
But L has no time to waste. He had to act now. ''Watari I need to contact the police. We need to seek out the loyal ones and create a small task force''
