I wiped my brow with the handkerchief that was in my back pocket. The Georgia sun was beating down on me and the sun was going down, I had about an hour to finish up bailing hay. Laying my fence post diggers on the ground, I packed the dirt down. I would have to finish mending the fence tomorrow morning, then head on into town and get the cattle I bought. Taking a sip of my water, I picked up my shirt and threw it over my shoulder before walking to the barn and getting on my tractor.
I was thankful when the old tractor finally roared to life. It had been in my family for four generations. A little TLC must have been enough to keep it going. Plus good mechanics who know kind of what they are doing. Just maybe. I was thankful that Alec, my farm hand, had almost completed the field yesterday while I worked on mending the fence and adding more onto it from what the twister took last summer.
It was bad too, almost lost the house. The same exact home that has been in my family for several generations. Took out what little cattle I had, destroyed my barn, tore up the fence and took some siding off the house. Thankfully half of the town pitched in and helped rebuild the barn and fix the house. I was just now getting around to fixing the fence.
I was also trying to keep my mind busy. My eyes trail over the field, trying to see if I had missed any spots as the day almost faded away. Her emerald eyes flash in my mind and I shut my eyes for a moment, wanting to get lost in them but I always remind myself that I'll more than likely never see them again. I wasn't all too sure if I had wanted too. Today was the fifth year since she left me standing out in the pouring rain.
She gave up me and our twin boys and why? I don't know. Maybe she was scared? She was only sixteen at the time, two years younger than I. I sighed inwardly as I pushed the thoughts away, the tractor bounding away over the uneven land as I headed back up to the barn to park it. Headlights were seen coming up the drive way and I jumped down quickly to jog around the house to greet them.
Aline's convertible stuck out like a sore thumb every time she came up to the house and parked next to my old Chevy truck. The blue paint was beginning to fade and sometimes the tailgate didn't want to come down. When it did it would send sparks of rust flying everywhere. It got me from point A to point B, and it still worked after all these years so I can't complain. She pulled up and parked, not shutting her car off like usual as she let the boys out. "Go on inside and get washed up, Gramma has dinner goin'." I yelled to them as they shoved one another, seeing who was the fastest to get up the steps and inside.
I walked over to her car as she rolled the window down. The porch light lit her face up dimly and I smiled. "They give you any trouble?" I question as I rest a hand on her roof, leaning down to look in her open window.
"They were absolute angels, Jace." Aline replied with a small smile.
"Guess you and I know a totally different pair of boys then. You not stayin' for supper? Momma's got it cookin'."
She shook her head, her hair swinging side to side from her ponytail. "No, we have company tonight so I have to get home. I'll see you later though."
Before I could respond she rolled up her window and put her car in reverse, backing up quickly. I watched her taillights get lost in the cloud of dust before shrugging and heading towards the house. When I opened up the front door I smiled. Meatloaf, potatoes with gravy and some kind of veggie. I sure did love my momma's cooking.
Ever since my dad passed away she has spent her days here at the house with me, sometimes she went to her knitting club. "You best get washed up, boy." I heard my mother's voice floating through the house as I headed towards the stairs. I didn't respond, I had already planned on getting a shower, I smelled.
After showering, I dressed in an old dark blue T-shirt and a pair of track pants. I headed down the stairs as my mother was setting the table. "I got it, you sit down." I told her. She smiled as she kissed my cheek. "Boys! Supper is ready!" I yelled out as I began to spoon food onto plates. The pair came running into the kitchen, one tripped and the other fell on top of them. "No runnin' is to be done in this house, you know better than that." I scolded as they stood up. "Sorry daddy." The two said as they hung their heads a bit before walking over to the table to sit at their respective seats.
As we ate I kept quiet. The war inside my head over my thoughts was driving me insane. All I wanted to do was to drown in a bottle of whiskey and coke. I couldn't though, I had responsibilities and I wasn't an alcoholic kind of man. My mother kept glancing at me and I knew why, she knew what today marked. When I finished eating, I took a moment to look at my sons. Ryan was the absolute spitting image of me. Whereas Luke was a mixture between us. His hair was strawberry blonde, his eyes a gold color like mine with flecks of emerald. He was the artistic one of the two boys. It hurt sometimes, when I looked at them. I could see their mother in both of them and it wasn't their fault at all. Maybe it was my own for being so weak for a woman I was still deeply in love with. Even though she ripped my heart out five years ago.
When everyone finished, I sent the boys to the living room to watch tv before bed while I cleaned the kitchen up. My mother began to put the left over away while I carried the dishes to the sink. "Why didn't Aline stay for dinner? Did you two have a fight again?" My mother asked me.
Aline and I had a complicated relationship. We wanted to be together, but I wouldn't because I am still a married man. That always brought up and argument. Aline had been her childhood best friend growing up. When she left, Aline taped my back together. I have never once been unfaithful to my wife. I just couldn't.
"No, but I'm quite sure you can guess, Ma." I said over
the running water that began to fill the sink. When she didn't respond I knew that she had already had her suspicions, just wanted to confirm them. My hair fell into my eyes and I sighed, time for a haircut soon.
"Hey, you think you can give me a haircut soon?" I asked aloud as I began to wash dishes. When I didn't get a response I looked over my shoulder to see that I was alone in the kitchen. I shrugged and then turned my attention back to the dishes. She didn't leave yet because she always says bye, so I wasn't too worried. She was somewhere here in the house.
When I finished up, I took a towel and began to dry off my hands as I walked towards the living room, slinging it over my shoulder as I leaned against the door frame expecting the boys to be in there. Instead what I saw made my heart stop in my chest and anger flow through my body down to my toes. There in the living room stood my mother locked in an embrace. Not just any embrace, either.
When they pulled away, she looked at me and I suddenly felt sick. "Hello Jace." Came that sweet voice that once took my breath away. Standing in front of my mother was my estranged wife. The same woman who left me and our sons five years ago to the day. I wanted to return the hello, to take her into my arms and hold her close. However, the part of me that wanted to do that was getting beaten to death by the other part that told me no. I finally found my voice and my words came out harsh. "What are you doing here?"
She looked taken back by the harshness in my voice. I crossed my arms over my chest as I stare at her, gritting my teeth as I clenched my fists. "I guess I deserve your anger, but I had reasons for leaving, Jonathan." Clary replied, straightening up, her lips in a thin line.
"Oh yeah? They better be good, Clarissa." I snapped back in a rude manner. I took a moment to take her in, how she had changed in five years. Her hair was still a wild, red color and her eyes seemed to of changed from sea green to emerald. Her curves filled out and she held herself with a woman like manor. She was still short, however and sassier than ever.
"In due time, until then. Where are the boys?" She questioned as if she had saw them last week. I shook my head, she was not going to waltz into our home and demand such things. She didn't deserve to know the boys!
"Oh no, just who the hell do you think you are, coming in here and asking such things! We have done just fine without you!" By this point, I was yelling.
My mother rested her hand on my shoulder. "Jonathan Christopher Herondale! Grow up. Come here boys!" My mother said harshly before turning to yell for the boys. What a traitor.
They came running into the living room yelling random things and stopped dead in their tracks at the sight of their mother. Then they hid behind their grandmother. "Who is that?" They asked a loud and Clary looked at me, angry. "They know nothing of me?" She questioned and I could hear the hurt in her voice.
"Why should they? You abandoned them." And me, but I don't say it. I know she knows what she did but if I keep repeating it, I feel a little better as it hurts her. I wanted to hurt her with words over and over again. Seeing the hurt look on her face made me feel better. Didn't it? No, actually it was killing me. I was reminding myself of her father…
"Ryan, Luke, this is your mother. The one daddy always told you about." The boys looked to me for reassurance and I just nodded. I was defeated and tired. The twins walked up to her slowly as she knelt down to take them in. A few tears rolled down her face as she reached up but recoiled as if they might bite her. "Are you that woman?" Ryan finally asked, pointing to the picture on the fireplace of a young Clary smiling down at the two sleeping bundles in her arms, me by her bedside looking at my new little family. She just nodded and that was all it took before they hugged her.
I had to look away; it was painful to see the exchange. It was what I had wanted all along though, right? All these years I just wanted to see her, to have the boys meet her and here I was being a total jackass. Was I really being unreasonable? She did leave me standing in the pouring rain with nothing more to go on except, "I'm young and I just can't do this right now. I love you, Ryan and Luke with all my heart. I'll be back soon enough." I grimaced as her words replayed over in my head. As if I needed reminding. My heart was still wounded from that day.
"Alright boys, bedtime." I told them and they finally released their mother before running over and hugging my legs. "I love you daddy." They said in unison and I knelt down to ruffle their hair and kiss their cheeks. "I love you both too." They then ran to their rooms and I sighed. Boys, they would never learn not to run in the house.
"I suppose you better get going. Glad you could make a point to finally visit your sons. I'll need your address to send the divorce papers." I told her, crossing my arms.
Her face was unreadable at my statement and that made me uneasy. "I'm not going anywhere, Jonathan. So get over it. I'll be in the guest room if you need me. Celine, can you grab my purse? I'll get the rest." She turned and walked over to her luggage.
"Um, you're not staying here." I told her, my arms dropping to my sides as I began to panic a little. My words unmoved her from what she was doing as she continued to gather her things and head towards the stairs.
"My name is on the deed too. I am your wife, I am a Herondale and I will be staying in my own home. If you don't like it, tough shit." She spat back in a haste as she began to tread up the stairs, leaving me standing there like an idiot. Well, she told me, didn't she?
I wanted to smile at her sassy attitude but I couldn't. I didn't know this woman anymore; she wasn't my Clary like she was once upon a time ago. Everything was wrong, maybe I was just too hardheaded and stubborn to get over to fact that she just left me and the boys. Tossing us aside as if we meant nothing to her. Maybe we really didn't? No, that is nonsense and I knew better than to think such things.
Sighing, I headed to the kitchen and sat down at the table, my head in my hands before slumping forward to rest my face on the table. "Jace, baby?" My mother said as she walked into the kitchen and sat down next to me, rubbing my back gently.
"It is for the best baby. I know you're hurt right now, but don't do anything that you will regret in the long run okay? You have more than just your own feelings to worry about right now."
I sat up and looked over to her, she was right. Like always, must be a mother thing. "I know. I just really don't wanna talk about it right now though, ma." She nodded in understanding as she stood up and kissed my forehead.
"I love you. Get some sleep; I'll be over tomorrow afternoon, see how it is going and if you two haven't killed one another. This made me smile which then caused her to smile as she patted my cheek gently before walking out of the kitchen.
I thought about getting out the whiskey, but I didn't want to go down that road again. Plus I had too much work to do in the morning and I didn't want to have a hangover. That would also mean being stuck in the house with her and I definitely didn't want that. I continued to sit at the table a little longer, my mind blank as I tried not to think about the fact she was right across the hall from me.
Frowning, I got up and made the slow descent up the stairs, my patted feet making no noise as I walked up the old stairs that groaned in protest. Despite remodeling the home, it was old. The creaks and groans were part of it, almost like a familiarity to me. When I headed towards my room I stopped, soft sobs could be heard from her room and I almost caved.
The urge to open the door and hold her was overwhelming which made me angry. Quickly, I opened my room and slipped inside but it was useless, I could still hear the echo of her sobs in my head. This was not going to be easy. I shut the light off and walked over and crawled into my big bed. I was lonely but I was also too stubborn to cave into her. I wanted to so bad. I never realized just how bad it hurt until I saw her beautiful face. Her curves, oh her curves.. I groaned. I was so sexually frustrated it was insane.
I haven't been with another woman since her. I tried, tried to kiss one, hold one, cuddle one, and have sex with one. I just couldn't. At this point I am wondering why I haven't spontaneously combusted I was so frustrated. Would it be weird to simply have sex with your estranged wife?
Rough, angry sex sounded really good right about now.. Alright Jace, stop this. I rolled onto my stomach, the throbbing sensation was driving me crazy. Like an itch you couldn't scratch. I would not give into the temptation tonight. Before I knew it, I was falling asleep. She was clouding my mind, like she had every day for the past five years.
Continue?
Yes?
No?
Maybe?
R&R! Thanks guys!
-EW
