Pillar of Salt

Pillar of Salt

Chelsea Red Parker

Chapter One

Lying to your Saving Grace

It was the first thing I did when I came back. I don't remember the drive, it only a grey blur, but I remember stepping out of the car. It was an August day in Texas, much like walking into the sun. You could guard your eyes but it always seemed to be right in your face, obscuring your vision. A one story cream colored building lay ahead of me lined with police cars. I'd been here before and had prayed to never come back. Damn it was hot. The rays seemed to reflect of the pavement as I walked across the parking lot to the doors that read 'Comal County'. The blistering ninety-eight degrees blew to seventy when I opened the glass door. A badge and a metal detector, nothing had changed. I had to kick off my Vans and turn out my pockets for Officer Rodriguez before I could even walk through; all this because my brother asked me too. I hate this place, I hate feeling guilty, but most of all right now I hate the man walking over to me in a grey suit and blue tie with a folder tucked under his arm. "Hello, my name is Richard White, you can call me Rick. I'm your mother's attorney". I thought a handshake was only supposed to last three seconds. I tried to be polite "Hello, I'm Chelsea". It was so hard, I'm a good liar but I never was good at being fake. He began to ramble about how she had wanted to see me and how she 'boasted' about me. That woman was the queen of fake. I'm sure she wanted to see me; she wanted to see anyone she thought could do her a favor. 'Call me Rick' lead me down a cream painted brick hallway. More security, Officer Burge gave me the same orders and patted me down. "Concealing any weapons?" if monotone could sound angry his voice is what it that sounded like. I'm irritated "for her, never". I really hate this place.

The last couple times I was here I saw her through bullet proof glass and when she pissed me off I could put down the phone but Rick excitedly informs me that we will be in a visitors room with her. It's a ten by twelve room of those same bland bricks. She's sitting in the middle at a silver table in brown county issue clothes and white Keds. As soon as I get in the room I sit down, she already looking at me, looking at me with that smile. She looks older, she's gained weight, and her wavy brown hair is a mess. I look at her and remember why I hate to look in the mirror. Small frame, green eyes, high cheek bones; that face is me in twenty years. "Hello honey" she smiles. What a bitch. "Hey" I cringe and look at Rick "Can we get started"? "Sure, sure, of course" he's thumbing through the manila folder "So you know that Elizabeth, your mother, tested positive on three urinary exams during her probation meetings…" I cut him off, "For what exactly"? Kathleen, that's what I call her, cringes. I already know the answer to this question but I want Rick to read it off to me, for the sake of having it read in front of this sneaky individual. "Marijuana, Cocaine, and Methadone." I look at Kathleen and smile "nice" I say it with raised eyebrows and a 'you're getting what you deserve face'. Rick pretends not to notice, I'm thinking it's because he's scared. I'm not intimidating but I can tell he doesn't like confrontations; in fact he even slides to the side of his chair furthest from me. "It isn't true you know" she's looking at me. "How could it not be true?" I bark at her. Rick's not getting his wish because I know her and I know what's coming. You know those people who always have to be right, you never like to be made to look like a fool, and even if they are caught red handed they will keep lying? That's Kathleen, and her next move is to yell me into some twisted submission so she feels like she won something. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" she belts. I'm not a child so I yell back "Oh yea because of all people they are picking on you right?" "It says right here, and those are your usual, so why the fuck would I believe you"? Silence. It lasts because Rick has told her he will leave if she says anything else. He wants to talk about procedure, about what's going to happen at her hearing, and how he wants me to be there to 'speak for her'. I laugh "Is that why you asked Donnie to make me come here?" she nods her head. Rick pleads. I'm the 'key person' in her defense, I need to tell them 'what a great person she is'. It's so hot in here all of a sudden, my head is spinning. It hurts to breath and my heart is racing, it feels like that time Donnie thought it's be a good idea to tape my wrists together, and then tape my wrists to my body. The last time I had an anxiety attack was two years ago, it was the reason I left. I want to pass out, cry, and hurt her all at the same time but I'm shaking and Officer Burge is outside with his gun. I stabilize myself enough to say "I'm not lying to a room full of people" and walk out.

I nod to Burge as I walk out. My knees are weak, I just need to make it to the door, and then I can breath. Rodriguez doesn't even bother standing up but asks me if I'm 'alright' without the slightest tone of concern. The door seems so much heavier but I manage to lean my whole body against it. The heat is somehow comforting, and I couldn't seem to get the cold air into my lungs so I'm thrilled to be back in the Sahara. Amanda is still waiting for me in the driver seat and her mom, Josie, is laying down in the back. The gold Malibu is a safe haven, if I can just get inside I can forget what just happened, but Rick is calling my name. Ignore him and get in. "Just drive" Amanda turns on the car and drives through the space and out of the parking lot leaving Rick standing there, times like these are why she is my best friend.

I'm glad Josie is asleep, if not we'd playing ten thousand questions, she'd want to know everything, down to the color of the officers uniforms, navy, and whether the lobby was empty, it was. Amanda is quiet, internal, she understands me. The hour drive back to San Antonio is silent except for Mix 96.1 but my mind drowns it out. All I can think of is the last time I was there, how we fought then too, how we'd always fought. I remembered how disgusted I was to hear that I was her 'saving Grace'. My good grades and presidential awards somehow meant she was a good mother, that she only had some 'bad habits'. Biting your nails is a bad habit, I had good grades because I used any excuse to stay away from home and we lived down the street from a library. Now I'm angry again and I feel tricked, again. What was Donnie thinking asking me to come here knowing what she wanted, I was hoping for last good byes 'hope to never fucking see you again' type material but no I get asked to defend her. I have to laugh a little because she didn't even ask me to, it was Rick. Rick red faced, cul-de-sac shaped blonde hair, grey suit wearing, court appointed lawyer! I proud drug addict, that's a funny thing.