Chapter 1: The Boy Who Vanished the Glass
HK: "Greetings, readers! This is Haruko Kurimasu, aka HK, coming back at ya with a new and exciting parody!"
Trenchcoat: "(grumble grumble)"
HK: "Straighten up, soldier! -whacks Trenchcoat with signature tennis racket-"
Trenchcoat: "HEY! What was that for?!"
HK: "No poutin' while on the clock, Trenchcoat! Now stay sharp! You want to make a good impression, don't ya?!"
Trenchcoat: "Alright, alright! Jeez! By the way, were are we?"
HK: "Fufufu. Good question."
Trenchcoat: "You mean we're lost?!"
HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"
Trenchcoat: "Ouch!"
HK: "We ain't lost! We're currently travelling through the Inter-Dimensional Path of Animated and Fictional Worlds!"
Trenchcoat: "Which means...?"
HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"
Trenchcoat: "Yeeouch!"
HK: "The IDPAFW is what connects all otakus, fanfictions, anime, manga, and all types of Japanese goodness together! Don't ya know your history lessons?!"
Catalyst: "For a party-goer, you sure are clueless."
Trenchcoat: "Well, I use a longer route to get arou-- WHOA! Who are you?!"
Catalyst: "Catalyst September-Connors."
Trenchcoat: "Look here, Four-Eyes! What kind of name is 'Catalyst'?!"
Catalyst: "It is simply a word to sepparate myself from another's existance."
Trenchcoat: "...You're a strange oddball, you know that?!"
HK: "WHACK!"
Trenchcoat: "Ow ow ow!"
HK: "No insulting the other OCs!"
Trenchcoat: "OC...? --Wait, YOU created this prick?!"
HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"
Trenchcoat: "I'm bleeding! Jeez!"
HK: "It'll heal, so stop complaining! Hmm, I've just got an idea..."
Trenchcoat: "(...Crap...)"
HK: "Catalyst, how is your schedule?"
Catalyst: "Well, it's pretty much open, except for Book Reading Thursdays. Why?"
HK: "Well, how about every other day, you help Mr. Clueless here with these parodies?"
Trenchcoat: "WHAT?!"
Catalyst: "Hmm... I'm not quite sure this arrangement would be suitable."
HK: (whisper whisper) I'll lend you my Whacking Wand..."
Trenchcoat: "Whacking Wand?! What the hell is th--"
Catalyst: "Then I accept."
Trenchcoat: "--at...? You're cruel, HK, you know that?"
HK: "Fufufu, indeed!"
Trenchcoat: "...You hate me, your own OC... .................... RUN AWAY!"
Catalyst: "Oh my, he seems to be at full throttle..."
HK: "NOT SO FAST! -pulls on mysterious lever, causing the trapdoor underneath their feet to give way-"
Catalyst: "Wrong switch, Haruko."
HK: "Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppppp..........................!!!"
THUMP!
HK: "Oww, where are we?"
Catalyst: "We seem to be on some sort of street. Quite dark, though. I wonder why all of the streetlamps are out?"
HK: "Streetlamps? Out? Wait a second..."
Catalyst: "I feel like I've seen this scenario before."
HK: "Yes, yes we have! Do you hear that orchestrated tune?!"
Catalyst: "There seems to also be an oddly dressed old man coming our way as well."
HK: "Hehehehehehehehe...."
Catalyst: "What's so humorous, Haruko?"
HK: "Well, I was gonna force Trenchcoat into a Tokyo Mew Mew parody to torture him with his morals of dating under-aged, skantily-dressed preteens, but this'll be twice as fun!"
Catalyst: "Why so?"
HK: "Trenchcoat hates books! He's only into 2D or highly-rendered polygon women from Japanese fiction!"
Catalyst: "I'll never understand how some people can go through life without a good book and a cup of tea..."
Dumbledore: "Ah, hello, Professor."
McGonagall: "What gave me away?"
Dumbledore: "Because you've already transformed back into a human, my dear Minerva. Plus, that cat behind you looks even more stern than you."
McGonagall: "I see your point."
Dumbledore: "Oh, sorry. -tucks wand away into his pocket- Now, what were we talking about?"
McGonagall: "Well, not much, actually. We did come to discuss the Potters."
Trenchcoat: "BOOR-ING!"
McGonagall: "What was that?!"
Dumbledore: "Alas, a Muggle has overheard us. I thought they were all indoors at this time of night."
Trenchcoat: "WHAT?! Who are you calling a 'Mugshot', ya old geezer?!"
Dumbledore: "Ho ho ho! Am I the only one amused at this?"
McGonagall: "Apparantly so."
HK: "There you guys are!"
Rokujou, the Angry Cat: "Kurimasu! What are you doing here?!"
HK: "Lost on the IDPAFW, Rokujou."
Rokujou: "Hmph. And just when I thought I could take a vacation away from you morons, I spot Talvis trying to shirk his duties!"
Trenchcoat: "I would've been fine if Four-Eyes weren't here! The freakin' guy and his creepy speech..."
Catalyst: "It's unfair to critize those who actually read..."
Dumbledore: "Oh my, here comes Hagrid with young Harry now!"
McGonagall: "-What? Do you think that's safe? And he's hear a little early."
Dumbledore: "My dear Minerva, I can summarize our entire (now deleted) coversation as such. Lily and James Potter are dead because of the attack by Lord Voldemort, but little Harry, their infant son, miraculously survived. The reasons for being able to live will not be revealed until the final chapter of the novel, and the somewhat cliched reasoning of Voldemort to kill a small baby won't be ever be announced until Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts."
McGonagall: "You put a lot of thought into this, didn't you?"
Dumbledore: "Indeed I did. My plan will backfire somewhat, due to the fact that I forgot to take into account a fifteen-year-old's hormonal rage and anger."
Hagrid: "Here's Harry Professor!"
Dumbledore: "Good good. Now to leave him with the Dursleys, his only living relatives, who hapen to be magic-hating Muggles."
McGonagall: "W-What?! You can't be serious, Albus! These Muggles will stereotype all non-magic folk terribly!"
Dumbledore: "Sadly, yes. But it must be done."
Hagrid: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Trenchcoat: "What the hell happened?"
Catalyst: "We call that a 'Prologue'. Actually, it was titled 'Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived'."
Trenchcoat: "Not that! I mean, we're inside a house now!"
Catalyst: "Ah, of course..."
Trenchcoat: "What's THAT supposed to mean?!"
Narrator: "And so, ten long years past in Privet Drive. Harry was almost eleven years old, 1991."
Trenchcoat: "Oh, great! Who are you now?!"
Narrator: "I am the Narrator, here to chronicle the lives of the characters in whatever particular parody I happen to come across!"
Trenchcoat: "What's with the italics then?"
Narrator: "That's my power! I conceal myself from the world with these convienent italics so I don't disrupt the ongoing events!"
Catalyst: "But why can we see and hear you?"
Narrator: "My power does not apply to OCs, spectacled-one!"
Catalyst: "Ah, I see..."
Aunt Petunia: "WAKE UP!!!"
Narrator: "Harry was soon woken up by his Aunt Petunia."
Trenchcoat: "No (BEEP!), Sherlock."
Cid: "DON'T (BEEPING!) STEAL MY (BEEPING!) (BEEPS!)"
HK: "Back to Advent Children Abridged, you!"
Cid: "(BEEP!)"
Catalyst: "?"
Dudley: "THIRTY-SIX! BUT I HAD THIRTY-SEVEN LAST YEAR!"
Trenchcoat: "Ugh, who's the, er, little pork bun here?"
Aunt Petunia: "We'll get you two more, sweetums!"
Harry: "..."
Uncle Vernon: "Comb you hair, boy!"
Trenchcoat: "And the point of this scene is...?"
Narrator: "For ten miserable years, Harry was (reluctantly) raised by his horrible aunt and uncle, along with their outrageous fat son, Dudley."
Trenchcoat: "Dudley...? OH! You mean, like, Dudley the Dragon?!"
Catalyst: "(sigh) Yes, Trenchcoat, exactly. Just like the dragon..."
Dudley: "This snake is boooooring. (walks away)"
Trenchcoat: "Whoa, scene switch! Where are we now?!"
Narrator: "For Dudley's birthday, the Dursleys brought him to zoo. Harry had to come, due to the mad old lady neighbour unable to take him in for the day."
Trenchcoat: "Hey, how about just telling us stuff in advance instead of narrating! This is creeping me out..."
Catalyst: "'Us'? Don't categorize me wth yourself. I'm well aware of the events that are unfolding. I have read the book multiple times, and have viewed the film a great deal over the past eight years since its release."
Trenchcoat: "You're... a FANBOY! Get away, I don't want your geeky, senseless germs!"
Catalyst: "I'm NOT a fanboy. I'm entirely different from a mere fanboy. Fanboys are lifeless drones who have nothing better to do than say 'MY CHARAACTERZ TEH BESTEST LULZ' and start flame wars on the various gaming forums."
34573638362657 Fanboys: "YOUZ A N00B! LULZ!!!"
Catalyst: "I believe I made my point."
Harry: "Hello. Even though I believe you cannot understand a word I'm saying, due to the fact you're a snake and this thick pane of glass between us, I know how you feel. Er, somewhat."
Brazilian Snake: "WINK."
Dudley: "ZOMG IT'S DOING SOMETHING! (punches Harry aside)"
Pane of Glass: "WHOOSH!"
Dudley: "AHHHHHH! (falls through into snake display)"
Brazilian Snake: "Thankssss."
Uncle Vernon: "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU MAKE THAT GLASS DISAPPEAR?!"
Trenchcoat: "Pssh. He acts like that black-haired kid is a wizard or something!"
.......................................................................................
Trenchcoat: "What?!"
Catalyst: "You swear you've NEVER picked up a Harry Potter book in your life?"
Trenchcoat: "Why would I?!"
Catalyst: "I feels the dregs of irony swirling about you, Trenchcoat."
Harry: "I swear it was like magic!"
Narrator: "And so, our young hero Harry is faced with unreasonable questions with even more unreasonable answers! Next time, on Philosopher Stone Abridged!"
Trenchcoat: "We're still going along with this?!"
Catalyst: "The best has yet to come."
Trenchcoat: "For you, maybe."
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING RELATED. I ALSO DO NOT OWN CID HIGHWIND AND HIS INFERIOUS SWEARING HABITS. BUT I DO OWN MY OC'S, TALVIS REN COATES (TRENCHCOAT), ROKUJOU THE ANGRY CAT, CATALYST SEPTEMBER-CONNORS, AND THE NARRATOR.
