Welcome back! This is officially the point where you need to have read prior fics to understand what's going on. If you have not, my other story Fractals immediately proceeds this one. This story is part of the If And Only If Series, and is the fifth one in the series.

If this story does leave you a bit confused, have faith; we'll see more of what happened and what's being remembered in the next two fics, and we'll see what is different and what's the same.

Our math lessons! (skip if you don't want some maths)

We have the number tau, which is double pi (roughly) and officially my favourite number. If you have not ever heard about it, I highly recommend googling 'tau manifesto' and watching as all math involving circles melts into something that makes sense.

The other math lesson is topology. Topology is a mathematical field concerned with the study of continuity and connectivity. It is concerned not with the actual shape of things but how they are put together (so squares are like circles in that both are 2d objects that separates stuff into and outside and an inside). Homeomorphism is a major part of topology, meaning basically that two objects can be shaped into each other without cutting or gluing (which creates the case of a doughnut and coffee mug being the same-since a doughnut can be stretched and given a dimple to create the 'mug' part without any actual cutting or gluing of any bits). Topology is wicked cool that way. :)


Origin

X sub n-plus-one equals x sub n plus loss.

Dis-din-cophony.

Drowning, ice, fire. Blackness and strands of light, perfect spirals and exponential curves, constant drowning notes of tau that whisper sweetness and peace but it all hurts.

Poison green eyes open: fire and ice, birth and death, creation and destruction. Infinity.

Pain equals the square root of negative one divided by zero, and it tears deep, inescapable. Loss equals… he does not know.

For a moment, a blink, he remembers:

Light hitting a reflective surface at 67 degrees from the southwest, voice D chord rumble, one point two liters consumed, two over seven, just a rather very—

He claws at the fading magic and whorls of light, tears apart sound of tau, reaches, reaches, falls into the floor, and grasps for fading—gone.

Gone.

Loss equals this.

He leans his head back and wails.

XXXXXX

His bones throb.

His head aches.

His heart bleeds.

XXXXXX

It is too loud, too busy, too frenetic, but he must get them out (x = 4.5, c = 67, mind creating grabbing following the line back to his rooms in Asgard (what is m?!)), throws a knife and hears it land into a Jotun (possibly kin?)(m is irrational, it has to be, where is the right equation for it? not pi, but some variation on it, think faster). Out of the corner of his eye he sees lines whirl and shift (probability of being stabbed in the back: 48%, 47%, dropping), twists and vanishes (brain might split (tau? Double pi? Yes no n(imaginary numbers scatter where ice stabs down)ot tau) does split) reappears and gasps.

Sees golden ratios and hears golden laughter and growls (lines are too slow (slips in the ice (an illusion, it catches their feet))), keeps running for Thor (something topographical), casts for what is the same between here and there.

"Thor!"

Thor is grinning, the (this space is like his space, caves are like rooms) dolt.

"Aye, Brother?"

"We need to go!" (If one smooths out the edges, this is exactly like his study—two exits, rest all walls)

"Listen to him!" Sif calls (she must (senseless patternless numbers swirling in the spaces, distracting) be desperate if (focus, these two places are identical (mind screams at the pressure of cracking chaos just beneath the surface (his skin is singing) as he forces pattern to snap into place) there is nothing different ) she is agreeing with him).

He can taste Fandral's blood in his ears, all brilliant and vibrant. Fandral is hurt.

"To me," he rasps and then there are not words, only forcing, forcing force forceforceforce shriek of numbers and structures grinding together, apart, screaming along his nerves (these are the same), feels warmth (positive in place of negative (yes yes yes he can bend choas to his whims yes)) moves towards the plane of his desk—

ice fire blood heat bones nothingness and everything pours into his brain patternless numbers exploding outward enforced rules vanishing

Shattered shards of all he has bent and forced down and aside for that one singular step away rush up to crush those who would walk between them so.

(Absolutely not, everything is positives if he just finishes putting his foot down)

Rips his mind open a bit more, spreads his own function like a shield around the three—

things which crawl and laugh and death burning destruction steel towers, glass beneath his feet—

places his foot down.

Fire. Fire fire firefirefirefire defenddefenddisappeardisappe ardisappeardestroydisappeard isappeardisgustingfrozenthin gsdisappeardisappeardisappea rdisappeardestroydestroydes—

raaaagnaaaarooook

XXXXXX

break tear rend breeeeaaaaaak

hide.

disappeardisappear safe safe hide disappear

bre—

XXXXXX

Snails, Thor, {0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13…}, half-dreams under the surface of Mother's eyes, purple, Odin, father? (prime), blue, weaving, limit of emotions as L approaches F equals 0, x sub n-plus-one equals loss

XXXXXX

They are there, all of them.

He dies.

No one does anything.

They watch him (half-Jotun adopted monster) die.

XXXXXX

The halls of Asgard are silent but for the uneven gasps of its second prince. He rests on the floor where he first fell. He is still but for his shoulders shaking every now and then; tears stain his cheeks, face half-buried in the side of the mattress.

His head is cracked, blood dripping along his face.

His heart aches, missing something it did not know it needed, and when he tries to grasp at the memory (just a rather v—) it is like trying to clench water in his fist. He does not know his own function, not anymore. It has been changed and he does not know how.

Only that his heart aches, bleeds, raw, open; that his soul is a weeping wound gone septic.

T no longer equals 'time.'

He no longer equals… Aesir, trickster, prince, not-monster, not-different. Thor did not mean this to happen, did he? Not his Thor, not his not-actually-clever Thor, Thor only wished to distract him when they went (ice ice burning fire fire destroy disappear monster) to Jotunheim for some silly sword better left untouched (but Thor watched him die). One of the warriors perhaps (but not Fandral)(Sif would wouldn't she), or Odin, Odin who did not stop them, Heimdal who did not See, and it all makes sense now (why didn't you tell me)(monster parents tell their children about at night)

(He died and they watched him die and he suddenly does not know anything)

(x sub n plus loss, hole in his soul, square root of negative one divided by zero)