It was far too late for him to change. Severus knew that his path in life was destined to be in shambles. No matter how hard he tried to succeed, to survive in the life he was thrown in, his destiny was set. Fate had taken control of his life, leaving him no option to rebel against it.
Would things have changed if Severus would have tried harder? If only he cared for others more than himself, would the guilt in his heart go away? Severus would imagine the million different scenarios that would have happened if he tried to fight against fate. Maybe he would have had a better life.
Somewhere along the line, Severus knew he was not truly living. Every move he made, every step he took, they all had to be calculated. His emotions, his words, his entire existence was made to be the shell that he was. Detached, desperate. It was exhausting for him. Each time he saw himself in the mirror, all he could see was a monster. Calling himself a man was far too much of a compliment he didn't deserve.. Severus could only see a regret, a living mistake. If only, he thought, if only he knew.
Now he lives - not as a man, but as a wraith wasting away. A life dedicated to a self-made madman, a life dedicated to living more lives than his one can fit. Pitiful. He had ambition, he had potential for excellence! Yet here he was, disintegrating as no one, like any other person Time sentenced to death. Severus disliked the way his life was going, and disliked it from the very beginning. But each instance Severus had tried to change his path in life, the tunnel kept growing deeper, and the light vanished from his sight. He knew he shouldn't blame it on something so unpredictable as fate, but there was a feeling in his heart that maybe he was destined to live miserably.
I deserve it, he thought.
The estranged man was in his last moments in the land of the living. Poison slowly seeped inside his skin and into his bloodstream. Severus could feel himself slipping away; the experience was entirely uncomfortable. Yet he tried to persevere, it was far too early for his suffering to end, he needed to atone by living. It was, he thought, his destiny. His awareness of the area surrounding him was diminishing the closer he approached to death. Severus remembered yes, he felt the warm hands of a boy. Asking him to awaken, tears in his eyes. When was the last time he felt this kind of care? Long, long ago, he reminisced.
People say that in the last moments before one finally pass, that the person remembers every memory coming back to them at once. Severus expected memories of his younger years where Tobias would abuse his mother and hit and hit and hit her. He expected the times where he was starved from the man he loathed, and the days where he would walk down the empty streets, cold and exhausted - since in his mind he thought that anywhere was better than the filthy excuse of a house. Even the dirty streets of Cokeworth. But to his surprise, Severus met the memories of when he was in school. Experimenting with potions, reading various books by famous wizards, studying to be a wizard and… teaching. He smiled painfully, he was such a sentimental muck. There was a reason he taught at Hogwarts; Severus truly enjoyed handing out knowledge to the younger generation. When he was a young aspiring student, learning was his distraction against everything going wrong in his life. It led him astray, he agreed. But without it, Severus would truly end up being nothing more than dust.
"Professor- come on now, you survived this far and-" Harry said in distress. He was trying to cover Severus's wound, but the man pushed him out the way. There was no time left, the end was near. It was painfully clear. He held onto Harry's hand, giving him the bottle. His life was in the boy's hands.
After a short silence, Severus managed to say few words to Harry.
"...Harry... live." Because Severus knew what Albus had in store for the boy, and he knew that it was so very wrong, too cruel to put a boy to his death like that.
Why Albus, he remembered asking the man. The answer he received enraged him. Albus once was a good man, but now lost to the silly beliefs he held. It reminded Severus of himself when he started to get drawn into Voldemort's clutches. The temptation to let an idea lead you was far too good to not try. He learned his mistake, and is still learning. Albus however, was far too deep to turn back.
The elder wizard clasped his hands, looking all too calm, too peaceful.
"It is simple Severus, he is the chosen one. And to abide by the prophecy- it appears he has to meet unfortunate circumstances," he said (as though he wasn't playing with a boy's life). Severus clenched his fists as anger brewed in him. Nothing pained him more than to treat a life as casually as the old coot had. "It saddens me, but it is fate. You cannot change your destiny, and it is Harry's," Albus said, ending with a smile so fake and aggravating. Fate? Destiny? How absurd. It was excuse after excuse. When was this going to end? This unnecessary battle we were fighting Albus, please. Is the end near? Severus would question, unsure. Time and time again, Albus would smile so fake and aggravating. Like he did at that moment.
It was upsetting Severus, why is that his smile was his last memory before he left the world. Was it because he knew inside, that Albus was misleading him all along and the guilt from it was consuming him. Or is it that knowing the son of a woman whom he used to cherish, will only end up dying in vain for the better - for the good of the wizarding world.
It was far too late for Severus to change his life, and the boy's.
Here he was, dying as a known traitor and nothing more.. And at the same time, trying to hand out advice to a boy whom he once terrorized. To tell the boy to live, despite he himself not following his own words? He was a hypocrite- a selfish man!
Severus's mind was all too full before he realized that his heart stopped, and that his journey to the underworld was commencing. If only he had another chance. A chance to defy fate, to defy destiny and dictate his own life for the better. It was his last wish for himself.
Moments after he told Harry to live, to continue on with his life Severus had slipped from his body. The comforting feeling of death welcomed him. It was cold, barren, empty. He knew nothing was there for him after. His mother was long gone, already in the arms of magic herself. Severus expected to simply disappear. His existence was too vile for magic. Too corrupted, to disgusting for her to accept.
Goodbye.
And with acceptance in his soul, Severus made his journey. A journey he thought, that he would never make.
