Inspired by the Always Keep Fighting Campaign. I noticed how depressed Sam seem to be on Supernatural lately, and reading up on the campaign that both Jensen and Jared started I decided to write stories for the cause. Reviews are always welcomed.
Warning: Graphic Self-Harming, Suicidal thoughts, and mild Language. Be advised.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or the characters. I just write about them.
It had been days since their last case they were on. Sam's nightmares had been getting worst as time went on, Dean stepped out for some food, allowing Sam to sleep some more that one evening. He suddenly jumped awake breathing hard, rubbing his eyes with his hands trying to calm himself down. He glanced around the motel room and noticed Dean was gone. He had probably went out for some food, or something he thought to himself.
The younger brother got up from the bed and sitting on the side, Sam closed his eyes thinking about the dream, wondering if it was true. Did Dean hate him? He wondered if his dream he felt so alone and ignored, Even worst he felt rejected by his brother, he couldn't understand why he would dream that. Then he thought about the times Dean had shut him out and didn't want to open up to him if he was upset.
Sadness and depression was eating Sammy alive. he didn't fully notice it, only just the fact he had been upset with grief over Jessica's death and blaming himself. In his nightmare he was trying to reach out to Dean, he ignored him for someone else, He couldn't see who it was but Sam felt alone. The tears formed into Sam's eyes thinking to hard into what was in his head, what he saw. He didn't want Dean to hate him for leaving to collage, He felt Dean was slowly slipping away from his heart.
The pain was way to much for him, Sam went over to his bag, shuffling around in it, he pulled out one of his guns looking at it, remembering his dream what he was gonna do,What he almost ended up doing. It was what woke him up instantly, scared and distraught, He started to breath harder again when the urge from the past came back at full force. Sam put the gun back and then found a silver blade. He remember cutting his thighs couple nights after Jessica was killed, but never had told Dean.
He held the blade in his hand, watching the light gleam off it as he remembered back when he told Jessica about his depression. Jessica was his strong supporter, she helped him through his darkest hours when they were going out. After she died, He felt a large hole in his heart. He wonder how can that ever be filled again. Would Dean even understand the pain he is going through? Would Dean reject him if he knew his secret?
He inhaled a sharp ragged breath as he went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Sam couldn't fight the urge anymore. He just needed that release again. He sat on the edge of the tub holding his arm out, with his other hand he put the blade on the skin. Through out Sam's mind he kept hearing the voices 'failure, disappointment, attention-seeker' He felt that in his heart, the voices was so loud it was hurting his head, He felt he Dean hated him for some unknown reason.
Sam started to cry even more as he swiped the blade on his tender flesh of his arm, the blood was forming really deep shade of red, He cut it again near the first line and more blood was leaking. Tears came down on his cheeks, Sammy could feel the pain, but didn't care, He was leaking, the anger, the confusion, everything leaked with every drop of blood. Sam cut his arm once more watching the blood flow through.
After a few minutes Sam stopped crying long enough to see how deep his cuts were. Drops of blood fell on the title floor of the bathroom as he sighed, he put the knife on the back of the sink when he stood up holding onto the sides, blood droplets fell near the drain. Sam quickly got some toilet paper and tried to stop the blood from coming out so much, then threw them into the toilet. Sam then, gotten a towel, wrapping it around his arm to make sure the bleeding stops soon.
He walked out of the bathroom with the towel around his arm, going through his bags he found some bandages, also some tape, he took it back into the other room shutting the door, locking it again. Sam carefully placed the bandages over his cuts and using his teeth to tear the tape so he could stick it in place. After fixing himself up, Sam slid down the wall onto the bathroom floor.
He then started to cry again, from the pain in his heart and his arm, He needed that realease. The voices in his head stopped, but his heart was hurting. Just then he heard a door open outside, He knew it was Dean coming back. Sam muttered "shit" under his breath as he scrambled to get off the floor. Sam, Quickly gotten up and grabbed the towel he had used, throwing it away in the closed-lid trash can, when he heard Dean call out his name.
"Sammy! I'm back are you okay in there?"
"Yea, Uh I'll be out in a minute." Sam shouted, Dean could tell something was wrong in Sam's voice he walked over to the bathroom and noticed it was locked. The older brother knocked on the door a couple of times before speaking "Sam? Whats going on in there?"
"Dean! give me a minute will ya!" Sam opened the door, crossing his arms quickly as he formed a fake smile "Can't a guy have some kind of privacy?"
Dean rolled his eyes and noticed how pale Sam looked. "I'm just making sure you're alright bro is all." Dean walked over to the table setting the food out "I got us some food for us. Bean burrito, your favorite"
Sam gave a nervous chuckle as he sat on the bed, his arm was still crossed as he tried to hide the cuts "No, I'm not hungry right now, I can warm it up later."
Dean shrugged "Suit yourself then, Maybe after we eat we can look up another case for us what do you say?"
"Yea, sure whatever." Dean noticed how fidgety Sam was acting. He walked over and stopped at the bathroom door to speak "Are you sure you're alright Sammy?" Sam nodded and coughed in a dry tone "Yea, I'm fine Dean."
Dean nodded but knew something was up. He decided to let it go for now at least. He walked into the bathroom shutting the door. Sam stood up letting out a breath of relief. He reached into his bag looking for a shirt to hide his arm in then he realized that he had forgotten his knife. Sam was in full panic right about now when he heard Dean flushing the toilet then a clank noise a few minutes after that.
In full panic, rushed over getting his shoes on, thankfully he was wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt because he really needed to get out of there. Sam felt that the walls were closing in on him at any given minute. All the air had been let out of him, and the only thing in his mind was 'Run' Sam heard the door knob slowly turned, that was it he ran out of the motel and down the road away from the impending doom he felt.
