White. In the white, it's all around me. Enveloping and swallowing me whole, there's nothing else left. I fade away from the world as it takes me and I let it, because the pain stops and the fear stops. All that is in the white is good, and love and hope and want. I want to be there. It is comfort and joy and happiness.

The white is beautiful and breathtaking, and silent most of all. I float in it, bodiless with only thoughts of being loved and being wanted and then something comes through.

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

"He's back!"

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

And then the pain comes through, too, and the world edges into my consciousness and then there's only black.

Blobbish faces surround me, hovering over me. They're all dressed in black, but that's all I can make out. Just black, and some neon blurs. A bright aqua comes into focus and familiarity strikes me; that's Demyx' scarf. I raise my hand to find him, to touch the green but it aches too much and I let it fall again.

Bright red spikes, bright blue eyes, feathery pink hair. I recognize these as they slowly clear up and I smile.

Memories dance on the edge of my brain, turning summersaults and shaking their ass just out of reach of my consciousness. I close my eyes. Seeing hurts too much, not remembering hurts. I know them all, I go to school with them. Xigbar is my teacher. We're friends.

I know them, but what are they doing here? Why am I here? Why does it hurt so bad? Everything hurts so much. There's so much pain and god I miss the white. I miss the good feelings. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. I open my mouth to tell them it hurts, to tell them to help me, to beg for help but they don't hear me because I can't say anything.

Nothing comes out of my mouth but a whine and then the blackness comes back and everyone is gone.

My eyes are slits and I can make out red spikes and lavender hair. I shake my head at them because words won't come out. I shake my head to tell them to go away, that they don't need to be here where there's only pain and god there's so much pain. I move my mouth but it doesn't move, it doesn't listen.

There are words and then they're at my bed, and more words but I can't hear them over the roar of pain in my head. I shake my head again, because I don't hear them and blackness edges my vision.

Before it takes me away I start to cry and an angel walks in the room, all in white like the white that was so perfect and I close my eyes and wait for her to take me away from here.

She didn't take me away. That's my first thought when I wake up. I'm not back in the white, I'm awake. Everything is crisp and clear. The room is white, but it's the wrong kind. This is a clean white, a sterile one. When I try to sit up pain shoots through my body.

"Roxas?" A tone that's bordering on hesitant cuts into the crispness of the room. "Are you awake? Can you hear me?"

I try to reply, but the words won't form. I nod, instead. Red spikes and emerald eyes come into my vision. I know him. I know him, I swear I do. Memories, dancing, just out of reach.

"Are you okay? Should I get the nurse? God, Roxas- I'm so sorry, I- jesus, I'm sorry." He rests his hand on mine, gently, and the man looks so upset. So troubled, I want to comfort him but I can't bring myself to move. It hurts too much. "Talk to me, please, I've been so-"

"He's awake?" My eyes snap to the nurse that walked in the room. "You should have come to get me." She scowls. "You need to go so we can do an assessment."

The redhead's hand slides away, but I reach out and catch it. I can't remember who he is, but he looks so dejected. He squeezes my hand and I look at the nurse. She gives me a hard look. "He wants me to stay."

I nod, and the redhead smiles. That seems to make him feel better.

"Fine, you can stay. If you start causing trouble, you have to leave."

The man snorts and I hear a giggle. Was it mine? I don't linger on the thought, my head hurts too much to think.

A doctor comes in not long after, and they ask me a bunch of questions. I shake my head, sometimes, and nod other times. They try to get me to talk and when I don't they make the man with the spiked hair leave, and I'm alone with the doctor.

Do I understand what they're saying? Do I know who I am? Do I know where I am? Do I remember my name? They make me write it down when I won't say it. R-O-X-A-S, S-T-R-I-F-E. They ask me question after question, make me write down when I can't answer. My head is pounding by the end of it, and they tell me they'll call my guardian and then leave.

Who's my guardian? Flashes of blonde hair in my memory. A bad haircut. I close my eyes and long for sleep that the pain won't allow.

A dull throbbing through my entire body, that jolts when I move. I manage to raise my arms to look at them, and they're wrapped in bandages. Tight, white ones with red that seeps through when I turn them and the wounds underneath tear open. I reach up and feel my head, and find very little hair. They shaved my head when they drained the blood from my brain.

They said I was hit by a car while I was riding my bike, and I hit the road and slid. They said they haven't found who hit me, that there are no leads. That the police will want to talk to me later. I didn't say anything.

Eventually a nurse came in with a tray of food. Chicken and dumplings, vanilla pudding and apple juice. I drain the juice, the only thing that tastes like anything, and leave the tray on the table beside my bed. I'm starving, but two bites in and I started feeling nauseous.

I know I'm Roxas. I just don't know if I know that because the redhead told me, or because I know who I am. I don't know who he is. I don't know my guardian's name. They said he's my brother, and when I asked about my parents they wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know my brother's name. I don't know much.

I remember my teacher at school. I remember that I'm wary of him, but not why. I remember that I go to Ovar Highschool, and that I have a lot of friends there. My friends that came to see me while I was here. The redhead… He's my friend, or he wouldn't have been here. I've been thinking about him since he left. I wish he were here, and I don't know why.

My head hurts so much, too much to try and keep thinking about it so I don't. I just close my eyes and try to drift out of consciousness until my brother gets here.

"Roxas, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up, I was working. Are you okay? Do you need anything? They said you can't leave yet, for at least a week but they want to wait until you can walk or until you start talking. They said you're not talking. Why aren't you talking? Is it because you hit your head? Or did they make you mad? Remember how you..." I stop listening. He's just talking and talking and not waiting for an answer, and even though I don't remember him, I know it's normal for him.

They switched my pain medication, and this one makes me feel closer to the white. There's only good feelings when they put it in my IV bag. Good feelings, and humor because everything's funny. He just keeps talking and talking, and I laugh.

He stops talking and smiles, then starts back again. "Sorry, I'm not even giving you time to answer. I was really worried. Are you okay?"

I nod. I'm good. I want the white back, but this is a good start.

"Namine wanted to come see you, but she isn't feeling good. She's sick, I think with the flu. I almost couldn't come see you, but I didn't feel sick and I haven't been at home much. So I don't think I have any germs. How do you feel?"

I just look at him. At this boy with a silly haircut. Like a Mohawk and a mullet at the same time. He said he works. How did he get a job with such a silly haircut?

"Please say something Roxas, I've missed you so much. If it's hard it's okay, I talk enough for both of us, but-"

He really cares about me. My brother. This guy. I nod, and he stops talking. He waits, and I work my tongue and practice before I try to speak. "Thanks." For caring. For coming to see me. I don't know him, but I know he cares about me.

He starts crying, and that's not what I wanted at all. I sit up, even though it hurts, and he gently hugs me. "I was so scared for you Roxas. Namine and even Kairi and Sora. Axel and Zexion and Xigbar and Marluxia. Everyone. Everyone was so scared for you. We thought you weren't going to- Roxas, what happened?"

I shake my head and he pulls away, but keeps his arms around me. I don't even know his name. I don't remember his name, and I don't remember what happened to me.

"It's fine, you don't have to talk. I- I can't stay, I'm sorry, I'm working but- but if you need me to, I can call off for the day. He gave me an extra-long break to come see you, but I can stay if you need me."

I shake my head, no, it's fine, you can leave. Even though I want him here.

He leaves, then, and it's time for the police to ask me questions. I just watch them, stare at them while they question me. I don't know the answers, and it's too hard to talk anyway. My mouth doesn't listen to my brain.

The police leave and it's time for dinner. I don't eat it, I'm not hungry when I'm on the pain medicine. I just feel good. I keep thinking about the man with red hair. When is he coming back? Today? When? I hope soon. My brother said I'll have more visitors tomorrow, that everyone is coming. I just looked at him. What else could I do?

When I wake up everything hurts. My arms, my legs, my skin and bones and head. I push the button for the nurse, and she comes and adds the liquid to my IV. I feel better soon after, and when they bring me breakfast my stomach feels queasy and I put it aside. I don't want to eat, I want to remember, but I don't have to care right now. All I have to do is sit here and feel good.

And remember the white. The white, the good, happy feelings of the white. Where everything was perfect and happy, and there was no pain. No pain and no confusion, and my head didn't hurt and I didn't need to talk because no one else was there. It was just me and the comfort.

I pick up the notepad and pencil that they left me. I write down what I want.

More pain killers

They 'up the dose' as they call it. My body feels numb and there's an empty gray in my head. It's not the black of sleep, or the white comfort that I long for with everything inside of me, but it's close and I close my eyes and feel it.

My brother is back. The emo kid called him Demyx, in a condescending tone. There's a man with pink hair, too, and a pirate. I laugh when I see the pirate. He's not real, I must be imagining him. But no, he's holding my brother's hand.

Demyx said Sora and Kairi are here, as well. I don't like Sora and Kairi. A boy and a girl. They look like me, but healthy and not injured. With darker eyebrows and probably hair, if I had any hair. They won't look at me, just stand in the back awkwardly. I don't look at them after that. They give me bad feelings. I just want the white.

The emo kid is Zexion, and Marluxia is the pink one. I learn their names just listening. Namine isn't here, and the redhead isn't here. Demyx said that Namine, Axel, Larxene and Xion will be here to see me later. I hope one of those is the redhead. I keep thinking about him.

Zexion has been staring at me. Studying me, and he seems off. I don't know. Maybe he's just weird. I smile at him, and he narrows his eyes. Like I did something wrong. He doesn't say anything, though, and neither do I.

Demyx is sitting on my bed, and everyone else is either standing or taking up the chairs for visitors. I like Demyx. I decided that when he brought me a cellphone. My cellphone, he said. He's also nice, and seems kind of childish, but he must be pretty smart if he's my guardian.

I'm 17, I know that. I know that I like to draw. I drew a picture of the redhead after lunch. It's pretty good. At least, Zexion recognized him and said it was pretty good. I don't know anything else about me except that I go to school, and that the pirate must be my teacher. Xigbar. That's his name, if he's my teacher.

"I did some reading," Marluxia begins, arm twisting around Zexion's waist. "And it's fairly common after a head injury to lose the ability to speak."

Zexion chimes in, next. "And to forget other things." He says, quietly. I scowl at him, trying to look confused.

I focus, hard, and slowly manage a word. "No." Is all I say. That seems to confirm something for him because he leans back in his chair, crossing his arms, but he doesn't say anything.

I'm surrounded by strangers and I'm ready for bed.

I walked to the bathroom. I wasn't supposed to, and I had to take my IV-holder-thing with me, but I did it. It hurt more than any pain I can think of, my head was pounding and by the time I got there I was sweaty and pale and couldn't walk back- but I did it. They told me it was 'foolish', but that I did better than they thought I could have done and if I keep it up I could leave in a week.

They said my brain wasn't hemorrhaging anymore, that I had no internal injuries, that basically I was just bruised and beat up. That it was going to hurt for a long, long time, and that the more I moved around the quicker I'd heal up. But that I wasn't allowed to do anything without 'supervision', and they moved me to a new place in the hospital.

With a new nurse, and I like her. Her name is Aqua.

The redhead is back. He's sitting beside my bed, but he won't really look at me and all he'll say is comments about what's on TV, or he's cracking jokes about hospital food. He said he's sorry he didn't visit sooner, that he wasn't sure if I wanted to see him.

He finally breaks the awkward tension. "…I'm sorry, Rox. This is all my fault. You have every right to hate me."

I sit up, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and wince from the pain. I found pictures of him on my phone. Of us. We're together, as in a couple, or at least we were. The way he's acting now, I can't tell.

How is it his fault? Did he hit me with the car? Was he the driver? I don't think so. I think he did something else. I can't remember what, but I remember bits and pieces of us. Of us going out. Skating, once. And memories of eating Taco Bell at his house. I know it's his house. I'm remembering things, and my head hurts a little less when I think about him.

I don't want him to feel bad, but I don't know what he did. I reach out, touch his shoulder and he finally looks at me. "It's okay." I say slowly, carefully. I don't know what he did but I don't want him to be so upset. It's not like it matters anyway, if I can't remember. It's like it never happened.

Then his arms are around me and I'm against his chest and I hug the stranger like I haven't been held in my entire life. He makes me feel so much better. Safer. Loved. Loved like in the white, and I know that this man loves me and that I loved him before the accident. (Was it an accident? The details are so fuzzy, no one knows what happened and no one will talk about it.)

When the redhead leaves, I close my eyes and sit back. Axel. His name is Axel and my head hurts and I take some pills to help and the gray comes back, but before that, I remember his name is Axel.