Disclaimer: I do not assume any form of ownership over any of the characters in this story, or the text borrowed from the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.
"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."
She continued to stare me in the face, a little bit of the hurt my words had inflicted upon her creasing her brow and turning the corners at the edge of her mouth downward. "Why?"
"Isabella." I said formally, then reached up with my free hand to playfully - but very gently - muss her hair. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I dropped my eyes in anguish. "The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush again, to never see the flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences… It would be unendurable." The relief of being able to explain the intensity of my feelings for her mingled with the agony of my unbidden mental pictures. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
Her eyes widened momentarily and her heartbeat and breathing hiked, but then she found control, hurriedly lowering her eyes to stare once again at our linked fingers, resting on the grass between us. I waited for her to respond.
"You already know how I feel of course." Did I? "I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."
My silent heart swelled, she frowned. "I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," I agreed, laughing when our eyes met and she joined in. All of a sudden, I felt very light, like I was floating. Our chuckles died away, and I simply gazed at her face, thinking.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I murmured. Her fingers tightened around mine, and she looked swiftly away, letting her hair fall over her face.
"What a stupid lamb," she muttered with a sigh.
"What a sick, masochistic lion." I disagreed, willing my eyes away from her for a moment, to gaze unseeingly out of the meadow. I had finally said it, for real, the word love. Although I thought I had made it blatantly obvious with every word and action that I was deeply in love with her, it was a massive, unbelievable uplift for me to actually say the word out loud to her. I wondered if I would get the chance to say I love you properly, using those exact words. I hoped so, with her declaration, she seemed to want things to go that way. I certainly did, but I just didn't know how that was possible…
"Why…?" she began.
I glanced over curiously, smiling so as to reassure her. Her heart skipped a beat.
"Tell me why you ran from me before."
"You know why."
"No, I mean exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do." Her eyes flitted down to where her fingers were caressing my hand. "This for example, seems to be alright."
More than alright. I smiled again.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." she insisted.
"Well…" I decided to satisfy her, even if she was being needlessly anxious. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." Too much. I tensed, checking to see that I hadn't shocked her, but her features were carefully composed into a politely indifferent expression.
"Okay, then," she said casually. "No throat exposure." She tucked her chin against her neck and smiled. I had to laugh.
"No really, it was the surprise more than anything else." I assured her. Very cautiously, I lifted my unlinked hand to touch the side of her neck. I could feel the strong, hot pulse of the flowing blood beneath my palm, but honestly, it didn't bother me anywhere near as much as it should have done. Because the part of my brain that should have been keeping tabs on the thirst, was totally caught up with the fact that my hand was touching her neck, and her skin felt like warm, smooth velvet beneath my fingertips.
"You see, perfectly fine." So soft and fragile, like silk over glass. Her pulse was hammering, I could feel it and hear it, but it didn't tempt me in the way I was afraid of. It felt like an invitation…
Blood crept up her throat to colour her cheeks, but I didn't notice how that made my throat flame, just how beautiful it looked against the peach of the rest of her skin and her chestnut hair.
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely." I murmured, mesmerized by her melted chocolate gaze on my face. I carefully freed my other hand from her grasping fingers, to brush her pink cheek with my fingertips, before laying it to rest on the other side of her neck. Her pulse quickened impossibly. I held her face in my hands, just marvelling. I had dreamt of this moment for months, never really expecting it to ever come to be, but here I was, holding her tenderly between my palms.
I stared into her eyes and breathed "Be very still" before leaning slowly towards her, maintaining contact with her eyes as I inched closer and closer, until the tip of my nose was just several millimetres away from her skin. The air pulsed with the beats of her heart. I turned my head to the side so that I could lay my cheek against the warm skin between her collarbones, over the hollow at the base of her throat. I concentrated on the very loud thrum of her heartbeat, finding the sound soothing despite the terrible lure it had for me.
Very, very slowly, I allowed my hands to explore the length of her neck. My body reacted to the perfect texture of her skin, my palms burned and my breath got stuck in my throat: a shiver shook Bella's shoulders underneath my touch. My hands paused momentarily, but then continued to just above her forearms, where they stopped.
I turned my head, so that the tip of my nose followed the flawless line of her collarbone, and my breath rushed out in gusts against her shirt. I stopped when my ear was level with her left breast, pressed against her chest.
Listening to her heart.
"Ah," I sighed in contentment. The aroma of her skin was stronger than it had ever been with my face pressed to her chest, but it was strangely easier to resist, despite that. Other, more powerful desires bubbled up to overpower that familiar one, they, like the thirst, stronger than ever before. The two balanced each other out, not evenly, because they were both so diverse, but enough to keep either from undermining my tight self control.
We remained like that for almost an hour, until I became almost accustomed to her scent and not quite as used to the other more forceful urges that were powering through me now that my skin was in contact with hers.
Finally, I forced my fingers to release their hold on her shoulders, and my ear to move away from her heart. My face and hands were very warm, like I'd been holding them close to a fire. I couldn't take my eyes away from her now, so I just sat and gazed, satisfied.
"It won't be so hard again,"
"Was that very hard for you?"
It was incredible, astounding, indescribable… "Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad… for me."
I smiled. "You know what I mean."
She grinned.
"Here," I said, picking up her hand from her lap to lay it against the side of my face. "Do you feel how warm it is?"
An oddly unfocused, peaceful look came into her eyes, as soon as her fingers touched my cheek.
"Don't move," she breathed. I closed my eyes and became stiller than stone. I felt her warm, silken fingers move across my cheek, to tenderly stroke my eyelid, then trace the hollow under my eye. I was still unmoving as she ran her index finger down the length of my nose but I couldn't remain frozen as she reached my lips, warming them with her touch. They parted so that I could taste the heat from her hand on my tongue. It was just getting to much, to much to resist, when the warmth disappeared and her hand fell back into her lap.
I opened my eyes to find her gazing at me with the same awed emotion in her eyes that was playing through my entire body at that moment. But they were careful, cautious, while mine were avid, blazing with desire for her.
"I wish," I whispered. "I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand." I lifted my hand to sweep the dark tresses of hair back from her face. Her eyes burned.
"Tell me," she breathed.
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though, as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.
"But…" My hand raised unconsciously, to run my fingers across her perfect lips. She shivered. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"
"For me?… No, never. Never before this." I grasped both of her delicate hands in mine, holding them loosely. I looked down at them.
"I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can."
She leaned inwards, towards me, a warning in her eyes. She didn't stop until her warm cheek was pressed to my chest. She relaxed against me and heaved a big sigh.
"This is enough," Going with my newly discovered affectionate impulses, I held her in my arms and pressed my face into her hair, breathing in the scent of her. It was amazing how right it felt. Yes, this was enough... for now.
"Your better at this than you give yourself credit for."
"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there."
We remained as such for a long moment, long enough for the sun to begin its descent towards the edge of the horizon, and the bright colours to leech from the flowers in the meadow. She seemed to notice the change in the light, and I remembered that it would mean something different to her than it did to me: I could stay here, holding her, all night and then some, but she was expected home. She sighed deeply, regret somehow evident in the sound, acknowledging my assumption.
"You have to go."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
That made me smile.
"It's getting clearer." I gently grasped her shoulders and pushed her away from me. I was so warm, not only my chest but my whole body. I was flying inside, soaring. I looked down at her, and a brilliant idea suddenly occurred to me.
"Can I show you something?" I asked eagerly.
"Show me what?"
"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." Her face lost some of the enthusiasm and became apprehensive. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I smirked as I recalled our painful progress through the woods this morning. Her heartbeat stuttered.
"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked uncertainly. I laughed loudly, feeling so light headed and carefree, I felt I could sing.
"Like I haven't heard that one before!" I was still chuckling at her relieved expression when she answered with a timid smile.
"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."
"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."
She looked sceptic. I grinned and swung her gently around my body, smiling wider when her heart broke into a sprint in reaction to my touch. I knew her well enough now to be sure that it wasn't due to fear that her heart tried to jump out of her chest every time I touched her. Smug satisfaction radiated from every inch of me as her arms tightened around my neck and her legs locked around my waist.
"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack."
"Hah!" I snorted, rolling my eyes. Nonsense, she was as light as a feather. And just as delicate. I reached for her hand and pressed her palm to my cheek, breathing deeply.
"Easier all the time." I sighed. Especially with her hand to my face, warm, soft and perfect.
Then I was running, sprinting through the trees as fast as I could, the usual exhilaration doubled with Bella pinned to my back. I felt her pulse quicken through my shirt, with what I expected to be the same excitement that was charging through me. And then, less than a few minutes later - where it had taken more than two hours travelling at Bella's pace - we were back in the clearing at the end of the road, with Bella's truck a little way off to our left.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?"
She didn't answer, so I guessed that she was too taken aback to speak.
I had been speculating while I was running, considering how well things had gone with Bella and myself. It was unbelievably easy to ignore her scent now, with the distraction of the exquisite feel of her skin on mine, that I thought, why not go farther? She was definitely willing for things to go that way, and hadn't I spent hours daydreaming about how her lips would feel against mine? I was willing, no I was desperate for things to be able to be like that. I could touch her without fear of hurting her now, so surely going one step farther wouldn't ask too much more of my self control… Now I just had to wait for an opportunity.
I was so caught up in my internal debate that I didn't notice at first that Bella was still on my back, even though I had been standing motionless for a good thirty seconds or more. And she hadn't answered my question.
"Bella?" Was she alright?
"I think I need to lay down." Her voice was a gasp.
"Oh, sorry." I waited again for her to climb down but she didn't move. Maybe running with her had been a bad idea…
"I think I need help." she squeaked.
I chuckled, and reached around to carefully extract myself from her arms and legs, then to pull her around to my front where I cradled her against my chest. I was unwilling to put her down, but this didn't seem to be the opportunity I was looking for. She was still gasping and her eyes were wide with fright. I chose a softer looking spot on the ground, and laid her gently on the piled fern fronds.
"How do you feel?" She looked to be improving, but her eyes were still vague.
"Dizzy, I think."
"Put your head between your knees." I suggested, probably not very helpfully. She did as I said. Her breathing gradually became more regular, settling into a steadier rhythm. She sat like that for a long moment. I wondered, as I stared at her face, if my opportunity was going to come up anytime soon.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea,"
"No, it was very interesting."
I snorted as her voice shook, contradicting her words nicely. "Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as me!"
"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time." And there would be a next time, I could feel it.
"Next time!" she complained, widening her eyes and raising her eyebrows. I laughed, and her eyes closed in defeat. I felt happier than I had in years - no, in a whole century!
"Show-off." she mumbled. And in that second, I saw it, my opportunity, so I took it. Slowly, I leaned inwards, until my face was just inches from hers. I had no idea how to do this, but my instincts had served their purpose well till now, so I went with them.
"Open your eyes, Bella." I murmured. She did, and they continued opening until the whites showed all the way around her dark irises. She blinked quickly a couple of times and her heart kicked into fifth gear, thudding impossibly loud.
"I was thinking, while I was running…"
"About not hitting the trees, I hope."
"Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."
"Show-off." she repeated, not quite achieving the off hand tone she was going for. I smiled.
"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try…" My hands came up of their own accord, to hold her face softly between my palms. I didn't need to remind myself to be gentle now, everything about her screamed fragile, so it was easy not to forget.
I paused when my lips were just millimetres from hers, when I could feel the heat against them like a physical touch, so much more sensitive there than it felt to my hands. I stopped to verify whether I could do this. Her soft skin would be centimetres from my razor sharp teeth: it was vital that I remembered that, that I didn't get too caught up in the moment that I forgot and killed her… No, I wouldn't go that far, just a touch. What about the thirst? Was I able to handle that? Yes...
Then I closed the minute space between us, and pressed my lips, very lightly to hers. Malleable, thawing - I only had a second to really appreciate the pleasure before the one thing I hadn't anticipated, happened.
Bella's body relaxed into mine, her arms snaking around my neck, her fingers knotting in my hair and her lips parting, all in the same second. Her hot, sweet breath filled my mouth and gushed down my throat, causing my mind to blank and my body to freeze in alarm. The scalding heat burned hotter than ever before in my throat, like I had just swallowed a pint of liquid fire, it seared a flaming pathway all the way down my gullet and into my stomach.
But just as strong, were the other desires that gripped me, the feeling of her hands in my hair and her body against mine was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.
Before the less controlled part of myself could follow up on either of these devastating urges, I was pushing her face away from mine. Her expression was just as shocked as I felt when she opened her eyes to look at me, her hands still in my hair.
"Oops," she gasped, breathless. As was I.
"That's an understatement." I was still battling with myself. On the one hand, I could still taste her scent in my mouth - which was now swimming with venom - but on the other, I wanted nothing more than to return her kiss with as much passion as I was capable of. I decided both were out. I just couldn't risk it.
"Should I…" She started to pull her arms from around my neck, but I held on to her face, restraining her whilst I gathered myself together.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I was pleased to find that I was able to control my voice, none of the inner turmoil I was experiencing leaked through into my words. Then I grasped it, found the handle again, and my self control was back. I smiled, triumphant.
"There."
"Tolerable?" Her expression was worried and embarrassed. I laughed.
"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."
Her face became even more ashamed, her cheeks reddening. "I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry." Her blush deepened.
"You are only human, after all."
"Thanks so much." Her voice was caustic. I stood up, trying not to smile, and held my hand out to help her up. It felt so natural, touching her, after all these weeks of wishing I was able, it was such a relief. She took it willingly, and pulled herself to her feet, swaying a bit. Her eyes were oddly glazed, and her face was wary as she wobbled, holding out her arms to steady herself.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I laughed as she struggled to find an answer.
"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy… I think it's some of both though." She smiled faintly. I knew that if it was possible for me to feel light-headed in that sense, I would feel that way after kissing her.
"Maybe you should let me drive." I suggested. She looked at me incredulously.
"Are you insane?"
"I can drive better than you on your best day." I joked. "You have much slower reflexes."
"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."
Ouch. She put her hand into the pocket of her jeans, her face decided.
"Some trust, please, Bella." Her fingers curled into a fist in her pocket while she considered unwillingly. With a small smile on her lips, she sharply shook her head.
"Nope. Not a chance." I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. She was still clearly unsteady, even standing in one place. There was no way I was going to allow her to drive in her state. She started around me, heading for the driver's door. Just as she was passing, she took a wrong step, her hands jutting out to steady herself. I caught her around the waist, revelling in the feel of her warm body pressed against mine and the electric reaction it set off, throbbing like a heartbeat throughout my whole body.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk." I quoted with a smile. It was as if she were drunk, her brown eyes were bleary as she looked up at me now, outrage evident through the haze in their chocolate depths.
"Drunk?"
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned, and her heart missed a beat, backing up my statement nicely.
The outrage became resignation.
"I can't argue with that." she sighed, and held up the key. She dropped it and I snagged it. "Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible." I smiled.
Her features became piqued.
"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?"
If only she knew. I leant towards her slowly, and brushed my lips lightly up and down her jaw line, closing my eyes blissfully.
"Regardless." I eventually managed. "I have better reflexes."
