I do not own Hellsing, Hellsing Ultimate, Dracula, or anything I've mentioned here. I just sorta own Andrew. Also Andrew is NOT me. This is not a self insert.

Chapter One

Me Is Not Me

What the hell is that sound? Groaning?

I awake in an unknown room. I can't see a damn thing in here. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm in a bed. I know, great deductive skills, yes? I allow myself several moments to adjust to my surroundings and see... well, an unknown room. Very astute of me. I get out of the bed and make my way over to what I think is a light switch and of course flip it on. The first thing I see is my reflection and...

Holy Shit who the fuck is that!? I jump in shock and so does the reflection. When I move it moves, when I start to breath, it does the same. Is... that me?

The shit?

Okay several points I gotta bitch about. One, I'm pretty fucking sure I was overweight the last time I looked. Two, I look like someone tried to make me look like an Anime protagonist. I'm not kidding. I'm dressed in a long blue overcoat, plain green shirt, black dress pants, black belt and black dress shoes. Around my neck, rests a silver cross necklace. Looking closer, I seem to be wearing a holster on my belt. The holster is surprisingly large and is adorned by a large blue cross. I can see a gun (surprise, surprise) in the holster and I feel compelled to draw it. Holding it in front of me, I can see that it's a pistol but... it's way to big for a normal human to fire. The grip is form fitted to my hands, for some reason, and it's pretty heavy. The barrel on this thing is huge. I want to say about the size of a ruler? About twelve inches, give or take. The gun is colored a blueish-gray and I can see a cross on both sides of the barrel. As well as that, I can see writing carved into both sides.

'Impure souls of the living and the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation.'

That... sounds familiar but... off somehow. Like, I think it's in the back of my head but... nope, nothin'. What the hell is going on?

I holster the mysterious pistol and I feel a weight in one of the coat pockets. I take out the source of said weight and find a wallet. Maybe this will explain some shit. I open the wallet and find a drivers license. The picture's right but...

"Who the fuck is Andrew Harker!? And since when am I 23 years old!?" Eventually, I move on from my confusion (and the fact that I had spontaneously aged six years) to check what else is in the wallet. I.D., Credit Card, and money-

Are those British pounds?

Fuck me running.

I put the wallet and its contents back in my coat pocket before I notice something else. I have a fucking sword strapped to my back. In fact, the sheath seems to be built into the coat. That's... actually really fucking cool. From what I can see, the handle is black and shaped like a cross. I unsheathe the blade and... Holy shit the blade is blood red. Not like "covered in blood", I mean the blade itself is red. Inscribed on the blade in blue lettering, I can read this:

'Woe to the fallen; Living and Damned.'

Living and Damned? What the hell does that mean? Where am I? The intensifying groaning noises prompt me to sheath the blade and move over to the nearby door. Yep the sounds are definitely coming from here. I attempt to open the door and inspect the source of the noise only to pull and realize the door isn't opening. I try again this time pushing the door. Still nothing.

The fuck...

….

Oh...

I pretend that I had always noticed the door was locked as I unlock said door. That daunting task now completed, I pull open the door and step into the hallway-

"Oh shit!"

I flee from the hallway back to safety and slam the door shut again. Turns out the hallway was filled with blood and corpses. The only things not dead were about ten or so zombies eating dead people and shambling in this direction. Locking said door, I step back into the room slightly and ponder my situation. Just how are there fucking zombies?! Where the fuck am I?!

The sounds of moaning are at their loudest now and I hear banging on the door. Fucking great. Surprisingly, I draw my pistol on instinct and point it at said door. Suddenly a strange calm comes over me; almost like I had been in this situation before. It's almost as if I have become a completely different person.

The zombie like creatures bang on the door several times before it gives way and parts of it shatter off the hinges. Immediately, I begin to fire at every single head I see in view. Every single shot is a head-shot and I am momentarily stunned by this fact. Just how are they head-shot's? I've never held a gun in my life! However, it's as if I've used them my whole life as I reload the pistol with a magazine stored in one of my overcoats many pockets. Just how did I know that was there?

Soon all that remains of the door is a stubborn section of wood hanging from the top hinge. And the zombies are now just headless corpses lying upon the floor. Turns out these bullets explode. Despite the fact I should be terrified by this situation, I can't help but admit that the heads exploding was satisfying.

Suddenly, the sound of gunshots reach my ears. Gunshots from outside. Looking through the room once again, I find and look out of a random window. The sight I'm greeted with is a man dressed in a red duster, red hat and orange tinted glasses shooting the shit out of zombies. There's also a well endowed blonde shooting along with him.

Oh my god, I'm looking at Alucard and Seras Victoria killing ghouls.

Though I feel surprise from the revelation that I'm in fucking Hellsing, something prevents me from panicking. As if possessed by something, I smirk and sprint out of the room and down the bloody hallway. As I charge down the hallway, I unsheathe my sword with my left hand. Good thing too; because as I turn the corner, I am met with more ghouls. Once again I move as if on autopilot as I shoot, slash and weave through the hallway full of ghouls. Making my way through several turns this way, I encounter a staircase that leads upstairs and am compelled to follow them.

As I head upstairs, the amount of ghouls blocking my path begins to increase; almost as if they are attempting to prevent me getting to... something. I don't know. But it doesn't seem to matter to my body on autopilot, because I just continue to shoot and slash my way upstairs in pursuit of some nameless goal. Eventually, my ghoul slaying leads to the final door at the top floor of the staircase and I reload my gun; all the while wondering how I'm not tired yet. I swear back home I couldn't even run across my house without needing a breather.

Gun reloaded, I readjust my grip on both by pistol and sword before I kick open the door.

Okay, scratch that. Before I kick the door off it's hinges. How the fuck even? Regardless, I begin to move into the surprisingly empty top floor hallway. I hear slight movement behind a door at the very edge of the hall and head in that direction. Approaching the door, I kick this one open as well (taking care to use less force this time) and I'm greeted by what looks like a penthouse.

Well a penthouse covered in blood, guts and satanic symbols and blood altars. Part of me wants to get the hell out of there and begin projectile vomiting, but my body moves in on it's own again. Wait, no. I am the one moving! So why is there such a disconnect between my thoughts and movements?

Moving into the disgusting penthouse, I soon see a man move into my view. He is bald with pentagram carved into his forehead. His eyes are blood red, a vampire, and he is dressed in what I'm sure he thinks is a nice purple suit. Honestly it just looks like part of a Joker Halloween costume.

"Impressive." says the vampire as he narrows his eyes. "It is rare to see a human kill faster than Hellsing's pet vampire. I imagine you must be the one known as Harker?"

Well, whoever I am has a reputation it seems.

Wait, Harker? I sigh to myself. Fucking Bram Stoker's Dracula...

Moving my inner dialogue aside, I give the vampire a lazy smirk before pointing my sword in his direction. "You know pentagram's aren't evil dumb-ass, haven't you ever seen Supernatural?"

The vampire chuckled. "They warned me of your so called 'witty banter', though I expected to at least understand it." He changes his stance to what I assume is his combat stance. Honestly he just looks like he's posing like Frieza from Dragon Ball Z with his arms outstretched.

In response, I holster my pistol before holding my sword two-handed in front of me like I'd seen in several movies. "It's a TV show, you uncultured moron. Though I guess a vampire like you is too busy playing evil to understand that. Feel good about your little willy now that you've compensated by carving a pentagram on your head?"

The vampire snarls before charging directly for me. His speed is almost unreal, but I manage to spin out of the way in time; all the while using the spins momentum to slash at the vampire with my sword. The slash, originally aimed to decapitate him, misses as he ducks just in time and all I manage to cut is air. The vampire makes a quick jab to my stomach and it flares in pain as I find myself flying through the air. While midair, I use my left hand to draw my pistol and begin firing at the vampire. I fire about three shots and am happy to see that at least one shot exploded most of his right shoulder before I smack painfully into a wall.

My vision wavers for several second but I force myself to stand as I watch the vampire gripping the right arm that is literately only still attached by a small thread of skin. His eyes burn into mine with hatred. Looking at his condition an idea comes to me and I just can't help myself. "What's wrong Count? Need a hand?"

The vampire growls before tearing his goddamn arm off and throwing it at my face. "Silence!" he screams as I duck out of the severed arms path. Something I honestly thought I would never have to say or do. Regardless, the vampire grabs a nearby chair before shattering it against the wall leaving a sharp chair leg. He hisses before charging with an intent to stab me and inspiration hits me as I move my sword over to block his pipe then use that same momentum to slash off his remaining hand. As the vampire screams, I shove my pistol into his mouth and stare at his terrified face.

"Impure souls of the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen." I recite before pulling the trigger, ending his miserable unlife and splattering my face with blood. After his body falls to the floor I wipe my blade across his suit, a crude but effective way to wipe my sword clean of blood. That done, I sheath my blade before reloading my pistol and placing it back in it's holster. Using my arms, I begin to wipe the blood off my face. Why is this not as gross to me as it should be?

I'm pulled out of my thought by the sound of footfalls coming up the staircase to the penthouse. Oh shit I forgot about the Hellsing brigade! Looking at the penthouse windows, I momentarily entertain the idea of breaking out that way but ultimately forgo it on the grounds that I'm several stories high and I highly doubt I can outrun a vampire. Especially because I know for a fact Seras tends to haul around a sniper; also an anti-tank rifle depending on where I am in the shows time-line. So that idea was thrown out the window, no pun intended, and I am left with no way out.

I guess it's time to take a seat in a clean chair and wait for their arrival. Commence operation 'Don't get killed by Alucard!' Name needs work, but I think the goal is quite noble. Also working on the sub-mission 'Don't get killed by police girl!' but that kinda overlaps with the first.

I should probably sit down now.

I hadn't been long when Seras Victoria comes charging in with her trademark sniper and her blue Hellsing uniform. Wait blue? Not yellow? That reminds me, am I in Hellsing or Hellsing Ultimate? I should probably find a way to check that. Anyway, Seras charges in with her well-endowed self wearing that blue uniform, black leggins and brown shoes combo that viewers of the show are used to as well as her trademark blonde hair. Her blue eyes scan the room before settling on the vampires corpse and her face morphs in surprise. She turns here head in my direction before finally catching sight of me and out eyes meet.

Holy crap my heart is beating a mile a minute. Why the fuck am I...

My thoughts are interrupted when Seras points here sniper rifle directly at me. "Freeze!" she commands in her accented voice.

And her voice sounds just as lovely as always... Where did that come from? And why do I feel the need to mess with her a bit?

"Technically I can't, I mean I don't think humans have the ability to just will there bodies to below freezing." An unamused look from Seras is about all the reaction I get. "Just kidding, damn. Yeah, I got it. Don't move."

We stay there like this while we both wait for Alucard to slowly make his way up the stairs. Seriously, just what is taking him so damn long. I'm not sure my poor heart can take much more of this alone with Seras shit. Though the fact I'm having trouble looking anywhere else but her is a problem. Thankfully I'm doing a good job maintaining eye contact and not staring at her um... assets like a creeper. Mama raised her son to be respectful dammit.

God I really hope she can't hear my heartbeat though. I swear it's like I drank way to many energy drinks.

Several more seconds pass like this as I sit with in uneasy silence with a gun pointed at me.

My nose itches...

Thankfully, Alucard finally enters the room and as Seras turns to look at her master, I take this time to quickly itch the top of my nose. Oh thank god that was a bad one. Why does stuff itch anyway? I need to Google that later. Wait... Does Google exist here?

Putting aside my increasingly off topic thoughts, my gaze falls upon Alucard and his unnerving sadistic smile. He looks around the room before his eyes fall upon me and he begins to chuckle. This chuckle soon breaks into full blown laughter. Well I'm a bit lost. Based on Seras's face she's about as confused as I am.

Several seconds later, Alucard's laughter subsides yet his grin remains as he looks at me. "It's been a long time since I've smelled Harker blood."

I give the No-Life King a lazy smile, mostly because I haven't given him a reason to want to kill me yet. "Three generations if I remember correctly. Bram Stoker missed out on quite a few details if I remember correctly."

Alucard chuckles and I find myself wondering about my current situation. I mean I should be panicking right now! I'm in Hellsing for gods sake! But instead I feel... relaxed? Confident? I don't know.

My thoughts are once again interrupted by the voice of the No-Life-King. "That he did! Now then, I imagine the dead ghouls are your handiwork? Not bad for a human."

I pretend to yawn. "You imagine correctly. Though you left out the dead evil wannabe in over there." I say as I lazily point towards the dead vampire. By this point I've noticed that Seras is no longer about to shoot me and I feel my heart speed up again. Dammit no! Look away from the beautiful vamp girl!

Alucard continues to grin and I can hear the sounds of helicopters approaching the building. So I pick this moment to stand and stretch, doing my best to ignore Seras tensing with her Sniper behind Alucard. "Well Alucard... As much as I love this conversation, I would rather have it somewhere that isn't covered in ghoul guts and blood. Smells a bit rancid." I said scrunching up my face. That's not even witty banter. It actually smells godawful in here. "Perhaps out there with the Hellsing helicopters."

Hilariously, I see Seras sniff the air twice before her face turns a shade of green and she violently stars to gag. Alucard however does not react, to either the smell or Seras's gagging. Instead he speaks in an amused tone. "Indeed." He turns to leave. "I imagine my master shall be interested to learn that a Harker has returned from America." His chuckling doesn't fill me with confidence.

Wait...

A Harker? As in more than one? A family? Great...

I begin to leisurely follow after him and I see Seras waiting for me. I raise an eyebrow in question as she leaves the room with me and we begin to walk down the stairs after Alucard. Goddammit heartbeat, stop it! Er... On second thought... just slow down a bit. Don't need to give the universe an excuse to randomly kill me.

"Sorry for back there." she says with an apologetic smile. Oh god her smile is divine... "Wasn't sure if you were friendly or not."

I give her a friendly smile as I try to will my heartbeat to slow. "It's alright. I'm just glad you didn't shoot me. I tend to like not being shot."

Seras giggles lightly and I feel butterflies in my stomach. Oh great. It seems as if I've somehow developed a crush on a fictional woman. Go me...

"My name is Seras Victoria!" she says before holding a hand out to shake.

I accept the handshake with a smile. "Andrew Harker. At your service Miss Victoria!"

HELLSING HELLSING HELLSING

I make small talk with Seras as we follow Alucard down the steps. Nothing important, mostly just small talk. However, when the topic of television shows come up, I once again bring up Supernatural only to be met with confused Seras face. I swear to god if one of my go-to shows is gone...

Anyway, moving right along, we step out into the chilly night and I noticed two things. One is that Alucard has already located his master amongst the Hellsing soldiers and two is that she does not look happy. Great, the only character who intimidated me when she was fictional is most likely displeased with my appearance. Seras gives me a friendly smile before joiner her master and the Hellsing leader.

Is there a name for that position? Leader? Commander? Suddenly, I wish I had watched or read the Hellsing series more often. Would have made details like this much less of a problem. At least I know to refer to her as Sir and also to keep the wisecracking and bullshit to a minimum.

That might not be enough though. Alucard who has finished speaking fades into the darkness (like he tends to do) and now Integria is giving me a look that I can only describe as a wary glare, which gives me two ideas. Either she unhappy that I killed a vampire targeted by Hellsing... or the Harker family isn't exactly on good terms with her. Fuck my life...

Well, nothing I can do about that is there. I give what I hope is a friendly smile as I carefully walk over being careful to keep my hands in view of the Hellsing leader. I'm also careful to walk not to slowly or too quickly.

Did I mention I was being careful?

Now standing several feet from the Hellsing leader I give a polite bow. She is knighted after all if I remember correctly. "Good Afternoon Sir Integra. I apologize if my being here tonight has inconvenienced you in any way." Like really, please stop glaring at me. Oh look, pitying Seras face; thanks police girl.

"What are you doing back in England Harker? I thought your family agreed to stay away." Wow she sounds pissed. What the hell is up with that? Just what happened between the Hellsing Organization and the Harker family?

"I don't know anything about that, I don't even know how I got here honestly. I just woke up in that building about twenty or so minutes ago." Better to be truthful, Integria will most likely pull up a file on me later.

"You expect me to believe that?" She looks so done.

"Yes?" Nope, not amused. Alright then, moving on. "Listen, I don't care what the hell the Harker's are doing. All I know is I grew up reading Bram Stoker's Dracula and hearing stories of the great Van Helsing. And like I said, I'm not really sure what happened between our families but I know that we used to be allies." I really hope that Bram Stoker's Dracula was accurate to the Hellsing series...

Integra face hasn't changed but she looks less... angry. "What of it?"

I sigh before I take a knee in front of her. She seems surprised as I put a hand to my heart. I don't know how I got here or why, but this is the best way to find out. I need to join Hellsing. "I wish to join the Hellsing Organization and use my skills in service of queen and country. I wish to right whatever wrongs the Harker's have committed. But most of all, I wish to serve the Helsing family; like my family once did." When I finish, I can't help that notice that everyone around me looks surprised. Are the Harker's assholes or something?

Integria is silent and I lower my head. Damn it all to hell. What to I do? It's not like I have much more of a sales pitch. I don't know what the Harker's did or just who the Harker's are, so it's not like I can use anything there. And for all I know, my knowledge of Bram Stokers Dracula could be iffy and Harker may or may not have worked with Van Helsing. All I remember is that he was in the book at some point. Eventually I hear Integra sigh and I look back up to her weary looking face.

"I suppose that our families were allies at one point. And I will not deny that the Harker family were a useful asset to the Hellsing Organization before... the incident." I don't know what she's talking about but I think I see a crack in her facade, though the crack is patched before I can identify what's behind it. "If you are willing to serve the Hellsing family without question and renounce your ties to the Harker family... Then you may join the Hellsing Organization."

Everyone around me seems resigned after she said her terms. I guess the Harker's are a prideful bunch? Fuck if I know. Fuck if I care. I start to feel excited... I'm about to join the Hellsing Organization!

I give Integra a kind smile and nod. "I agree to your terms Sir Integra and I thank you for the opportunity."

What I just agreed to must be a big deal because everyone looks pleasantly surprised. Well everyone but Seras and Integra. Seras looks adorably lost and Integra is...

Holy shit Integra is smiling! It's small and almost nonexistent, but it's there! For some reason that small fact makes me smile as well. Integra much to my surprise holds out her hand to help me up and the area is deathly silent. As I take her hand and she helps me up, I'm surprised when several members of the Hellsing Organization cheer.

"Welcome back to the Hellsing family Mr. Harker." Integra says and the cheers intensify.

I doubt anyone in the crowd can hear me but know Integra can. "It's good to be back Sir Integria."

Note to self- Find out what happened between the family and the Harker's. Sooner rather than later.

End of Chapter One