Severus Goes on Dr. Phil and Harry Goes Ballistic

Dr. Phil comes out onto the stage.  People clap and cheer.  He stands up and addresses the audience.  There are three chairs behind him.

DR. PHIL: Today, we are discussing the warning signs of depression and how to cope with suicidal feelings.  Our first guest is worrying the people around him with his difficult-to-explain behavior.  Let's see what they have to say about Severus.

The tape shows Dumbledore sitting in his office speaking to the camera.

DUMBLEDORE: I started worrying about Severus when I read some stories on the Internet in which he was engaging in all sorts of horrific behaviors--drinking, self-mutilation, suicide attempts.  When I sat back and thought about it, I realized that maybe Severus isn't just moody.  I mean, when you get something like that banged into your head over and over and over by mediocre fanfics, it kinda sticks with you.

Cuts to Harry Potter nervously stroking the handle of his broomstick.

HARRY: I saw some of his childhood memories last year--long story--and it seems like my father and his friends teased him a lot.  And I guess his parents fought.  But he's still a greasy git.  And I don't think he's suicidal.  And it's his fault that Sirius died.  Also, if you play Six Degrees of Separation, he killed my parents, Cedric Diggory, and Princess Diana. And Kevin Bacon.  And Bat Boy from the Weekly World News.  So I hate him.

Cuts to Sibyll Trelawney looking into a crystal ball.

SIBYLL: I foresee an early death for Severus, probably at his own hand.  Actually, I've seen this a lot.  Whenever I tell him, he pulls out this small metal bottle and drinks a giant gulp.  And don't you dare accuse me of telling him this over and over to get him to drink himself to death and prove that I'm a true Seer.  I don't need to prove it.

Cuts to Minerva McGonagall sewing a Knights who say Ni cosplay outfit.

MINERVA: I suppose we're good friends.  It's never really been defined…at any rate, I'm worried for Severus.  He's always bitter and angry, and he never smiles.  I even bought him Monty Python and the Holy Grail for Christmas.  The extended DVD version.  I suspect he never watched it.  It's so sad.

Cuts to Draco Malfoy examining his cuticles.

DRACO: Yeah, Professor Snape's always been good to me and the other Slytherins.  Damned if I know why, he's such a bitter git.  But it's funny when he screeches at Potter.  And I'm really not gay.  Really.  But…if Professor Snape really is depressed, I can heal his wounds and suck on his elbow.

Cuts to Dumbledore shaking his head.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus needs help.  We need to save his life.

Cuts back to Dr. Phil and Severus, who is now on stage.  Severus looks blasé.

DR. PHIL: Severus, do you have suicidal thoughts?

SEVERUS: Well, mostly I want other people to commit suicide themselves…like Longbottom, and Potter, and Hermione, and Ron, and…well, if all the Gryffindors decided to drink poisoned Kool-Aid I'd probably be a hell of a lot happier.

DR. PHIL: But you do have suicidal thoughts?

SEVERUS: Yes, occasionally, but I'm not suicidal.

DR. PHIL: Why not?  That's suicidal in my book!

Audience members start clapping.

SEVERUS: I'm not suicidal because that's about as likely to show up in the books as Draco coming out of the closet.

Dr. Phil puts his hand on Severus'.

DR. PHIL: Severus, did you listen to what the people around you had to say?  They're scared for you…on the most part.  But listen to me, Severus!  Life is worth living!

Severus breaks down and starts sobbing.

SEVERUS: Yes, I don't need to die.  Thank you, Dr. Phil.  Now I don't want to die anymore.

The audience starts clapping.

DR. PHIL: Next, we're going to bring out someone who Severus says makes his life miserable…Harry Potter, would you please come out?

Harry steps onto the stage.  Severus looks shocked.  Harry sits down.

DR. PHIL: Harry, you were listening from backstage…do you still hate Severus?

HARRY: Yes.

SEVERUS: Twenty points from Gryffindor for demoralizing my self-esteem on national television.

DR. PHIL: Do you now understand that Severus is suicidal?

HARRY: No, he's just a greasy git.

SEVERUS: Thirty more points from Gryffindor for failing to realize that I am clinically depressed.

DR. PHIL: Harry, when you fell off the stupid tree, did you hit every branch on the way down?

HARRY: Hey, I've gone face-to-face with Lord Voldemort!  And I can say his name because I'm just so damn cool!  Can you say his name, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL: Yes, because I don't know who that is.  Now Harry, I believe you have some issues with expressing compassion for fellow human beings.

HARRY: Well, when they're hot Asian babes I do…

DR. PHIL: From what I'm seeing, Severus has a good right to hate you.

Severus nods his head.

HARRY: SO IT'S OKAY FOR HIM TO HATE ME BUT IT'S NOT OKAY FOR SIRIUS TO HATE KREACHER????

Harry stands up and overturns his chair.

HARRY: I AM THE ONE WHO CAN SAVE HOGWARTS, ZION, AND MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!  YOUR MOTHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!!!!

Severus runs off the stage.  Dr. Phil motions to someone in the audience.  Dr. Phil's wife comes out and hits Harry over the head with her purse.  He falls unconscious.  Dr. Phil and his wife walk off the stage arm in arm.

DR. PHIL: See you next time on Dr. Phil!