AN:

FF dot net won't let me give the first chapter a title, so I had to caption this first chapter like this.

Chapter 1. The Modern AU.

I got bored. So what? Whoever clicked on this story, I pity you, because now you're going to be subjected to my sense of humor, one that will soon become legendary, and depending on who you ask, infamous. No, this is not a one-shot. Yes, you should be concerned.


Sometimes things happen that are simply inexplicable, yet still life goes on. So when six people were born with exactly the same names as six other people who had existed a thousand years ago, looking exactly like those six people, nobody batted an eye.

The world went on as usual for a few years, nine, actually, before the oddest thing happened. So when all six families moved to a town conveniently named after a british swear word, no one so much as blinked – well, people did blink, but they're always doing that.

It was a large town, but somehow these six all ended up in the same elementary school. Did a teacher, any teacher, object to this blatant violation of reality and every corresponding law of statistics? Absolutely not. In fact they all congratulated a certain Hiccup on having the best geometry scores since.. well, ever. Having such a talented student would reflect well on their resumes, of course. Not that they realized that anything was wrong with the fabric of the world. Nor did they question his.. odd nickname, given to him by a convenient foil named Snotlout.

But then, it seemed that common sense was on an indefinite vacation and wouldn't be getting back anytime soon.

Time passed, and soon it became clear that these six were somehow developing the exact same personalities as their counterparts a millenia ago – not that there was anyone who knew that particular fact. After all, who cared as long as Astrid was scoring the best times on the track since the founding of the school and looked to be on a prestigious career to country stardom? Goodness, maybe she would make it to state – along with her trusty instructors, of course – her prowess would look good on their resumes.

Not so for the Destructo Twins of Comic Books and Destruction – aka Ruffnut and Tuffnut, who'd been practicing on their parents since.. well – could anyone remember a time when they hadn't pulled pranks? It was like they were destined to make mischief and mayhem. Not to mention that they thought Thor was boring for some reason – they'd already pledged themselves to Loki, something that should've raised some eyebrows.

But then, common sense was on an indefinite vacation, and no one so much as did a double-take when they somehow 'accidentally' set their pool on fire, despite the fact that that should've been completely impossible – it was raining at the time.

The years went by, as they always do, and soon the gang got to go to junior high school, where they were met by some new people who seemed oddly familiar – had they met before? Probably not. But all this was forgotten in the rush to get to orientation, and sanity was preserved.. barely. The twins thought they knew something, but they weren't talking to anyone.

Things were going as they always had, except now Snotlout had taken to calling Astrid 'babe' and Astrid had taken to elbowing Snotlout every time he even brought it up, and in the background Hiccup entertained a secret crush, as he had for quite a while – why would he not?

It was around this time that he adopted a black cat he named Toothless – why he'd done that he had no idea, but then it seemed like a good idea at the time, like most things people tended to regret.

-
"Do you ever get the idea that we're important in the grand scheme of things?" asked Ruffnut one day.

"Nah," said her brother, and that was that.

It wasn't until they were eighteen that some more interesting things began to happen. It should come as no surprise to anyone that it was Snotlout who did the dumb deed, and Hiccup who had to fix things after the twins came through – to this day no one knows exactly what went on at that party and no one wants to know.

It went something like this.

Snotlout's team had just won their last high school championship and was on the fast track to getting on a college roster, so they decided they'd host a party at Snotlout's house, which everyone was obliged to come to, that was just the way it worked. Then somebody brought in the booze – most suspect the twins though there was a good chance that Eret was the one who smuggled it in – and it was strong stuff, not just weak beer but real, high proof wine and whiskey.

Then the twins snuck it into the drinks, mostly the five gallon container of lemonade, but rumor has it that they also dosed the coffee and the soda supply.

Of course, every adult who could've possibly prevented the disaster was either out of town or caught up in a meeting thanks to the fact that the laws of chance had been brutally massacred.

Spitelout ran an accounting firm and was visiting a client on business, his wife coming along for the ride. Fishleg's parents were inspecting a new trawler together. Astrid's mother was at the garden club and wouldn't be back until ten o'clock that night; her father was doing overtime. The twins, were.. well, the twins, and their mom was glad just to get rid of them for a while.

And Stoick? Well, the mayor was meeting with the Berk Board of Education in order to do something about alcoholic underage drinking parties.

So now there was no one to tell them that they were getting roaring, horrifically drunk except for Hiccup, who'd distrusted the drinks on sight, and no one would listen to him save for the twins, who somehow became more sane while intoxicated, because that was just the way they worked.

And they served Loki; good luck trying to convince them not to cause chaos and destruction everywhere they went. It was a hopeless cause.

By now most - most of the more sane people were starting to realize that something was wrong. Heather left. So did Cami. But Eret and Dogsbreath stayed, and then everything started to go down the toilet.

Needless to say, this party wouldn't look good on anyone's resume, but that was the least of Hiccup's concerns right now.

Astrid couldn't quite put her finger on it, of course, since it had gone bicycling. More cautious than the others and more aware of her personal health, she'd elected to drink only water and coffee; the coffee had a funny taste, but she attributed that to the old coffee machine, obviously on its way out.

That 'funny taste' was vodka.

So when Snotlout and co. began to hit on her, she wasn't as worried as she should've been.

When they led her into the back room, however, that was when she knew. But it turned out that she wasn't as good of a boxer when she was drunk, and her swings were all misses. They pinned her arms and moved in.

Then came Hiccup, punching Dogsbreath in the noggin and bashing him against the dresser. Snotlout let go of Astrid and jumped at Hiccup, and that was when Astrid ran for the nearest exit, which happened to be the backyard facing window, and jumped out.

Hiccup showed up to school that Monday with a crooked nose, but somehow things ended happily ever after, because that was just the way things work these days.


Somewhere evil, dark and foreboding, a description that describes Tuff's room perfectly.

"We DID IT!"

They had changed the course of history. With Hiccup distracted by the debacle at Snotlout's house, Ruffnut had had plenty of time to steal Hiccup's cat. Now their experiments had resulted in the ultimate breakthrough.

It turns out that if you have enough quadcopters you can lift pretty much anything you want, including Hiccup's pet cat.

Toothless levitated off of the table, the pink propellers harnessed to his back straining to keep the fat feline afloat – it was Ruff's idea.

"Quick, fetch the Magic Yarn Ball!" exclaimed Tuffnut.

"At once!"

Ruffnut returned with a ball of yarn and placed it on the floor reverently.

"FORWARD!"

Toothless floated toward the string orb and descended towards it as Tuff worked the controls, swooping in at an incredible speed as he made his first pass, grabbing the ball of yarn and holding it as Tuff pulled up on the stick, sending the cat narrowly over a row of figurines, knocking them over as Toothless whizzed by.

"Finally! We have flying cats!" exclaimed Ruffnut.

"The mechanism may need some tweaking, but the prototype is good to go. The world will be taken by STORM!"

"No one ever sees them coming until they're too late."

"And think of the money we could make off of the memes – we have to apply for a patent!"

"The patent office isn't ready for this."

"No one is ready for this sister. MUA HA HA HA HA HA!"


AN:

This is utterly ridiculous. But then again, no one ever sees the Inquisition coming. Not even the Spanish.