The Visit
by Dru Ennis
(Published previously under another pen name. Recently re-edited)

It was a brisk spring morning - brisk by California standards. The lone figure made his way across the beautifully manicured landscape. How quiet and peaceful it was - this sanctuary where he could come to commune with nature and with one so loved.

As he made himself comfortable on the soft cushion of grass, two squirrels and a rabbit scampered merrily his way - almost as if they expected him. And he of course, was prepared for them as he opened a shopping bag he'd carried with him and withdrew a handful of peanuts in their shells and a few pieces of raw carrot and celery.

He watched contently, his smile warm, as his friends enjoyed their snack and then scampered on their way.

The silence was deafening. A light breeze rustled trees nearby, but other than that the world was silent.

David Starsky ran a nervous hand through his windblown dark curls. Taking a deep breath he began to speak.

"Hi honey, it's Davey. Flopsie and the twins were here for breakfast again."

He chuckled softly to himself, his face beaming at 1000 watts.

"I'm glad they're here for you. I know you'd like them."

He drew his knees up to his chest, encircling them in his arms and rocking ever so gently.

"I had to talk to you. Hutch and I had an argument last night. I'm feeling kind of crummy, ya' know? So, I had to come and talk to my other best friend."

"Aw damn! I didn't mean to piss him off, it's just sometimes he drives me nuts."

"You're the only one I can talk to who would understand. You're the only one who knows Hutch as well as I do - or who cares about him as much as I do."

"It was a stupid thing to get upset over. He just harassed me about my lousy eating habits again. He does it all the time - and I know he does it 'cause he loves me. I just couldn't take any more this time. I said some hurtful things. Things I didn't really mean."

He shook his head as through to physically shake off the thoughts.

"Oh, it'll be okay. He won't be mad for long."

"I needed to be here with you right now. Any time I spend with you makes me feel good. I miss you so much." He took a deep breath to get past the tears he held back.

A light breeze began to blow again, momentarily drawing his attention away to gaze at the rustling leaves above him in the oak that stood not too far away. He could hear his name in the wind.

Davey... David...

He took a deep breath and continued talking. "You know, angel, there are times that I would give anything if I could have taken your place. You didn't deserve this. We didn't deserve this."

Trying to wipe on a happier face, he pulled himself to his knees, reached into the shopping bag once more, and withdrew a very large bouquet of daisies. Moving closer, he laid them gently and reverently on the grass at the front edge of the mauve-colored granite marker. He drew his knees in front of him again and sat gently on the grass, leaning his head softly against the stone.

"I remembered. Daisies!" He chuckled quietly. "Funny - I used to bring you roses and it wasn't until just before you..." His voice broke, but he was able to recover it. "that you finally told me that you really liked daisies."

He took a deep breath, "for everything I knew about you - I should have known that."

He sat quiet for a moment his finger tracing the letters T – H – E – R – E – S – A.

So engrossed in his conversation, Starsky didn't notice the presence of another. The figure approached from behind, but stopped short of intruding on the private scene. Hutch stood quietly, not knowing whether he should go or stay.

"I wanted to die too, sweetheart. I thought about it quite a bit. Hutch would have killed me if I'd killed myself," he said chuckling.

"Sometimes I still wish I could have gone with you."

Starsky's last statement defined Hutch's decision to stay - if only to assure himself of his friend's safety.

After a long silence, Starsky began to speak again.

"How's Kenny?"

Hutch drew back startled.

Kenny? I don't get it.

"I'll bet he is the cutest, sweetest angel up there. Who does our baby look like? You, I hope... well, maybe with my hair. Tell Kenny that Daddy loves him very much. We'll all be together some day!" The tears finally fell.

Hutch's eyes widened. Reality checked in. Starsky never said. Hutch thought Starsky's comment in the ride to his house was just hypothetical … if she were having our baby, she'd want me there.

Oh my God.

Everything grew very quiet.

"I'm trying, honey. I'm trying so hard. It's so difficult with you gone. They say time heals all wounds - but I don't believe it. Two years later and I see no sign of it yet. I lie there at night and close my eyes and think of how it might have been. I know you're there." He smiled.

Starsky's voice grew husky with grief as he continued. "But I want you in my arms. I want to feel us holding each other again. I want your soft, sweet kisses on my face."

Starsky took a deep, cleansing breath and then let out a small but sincere chuckle. "Selfish aren't I?"

"I know you're waiting for me. I'll be there some day. And you and I and Kenny will be together again. And everything will be okay."

Hutch could hear soft sniffles coming from his partner. He saw him wipe at his eyes. Hutch fought back his own tears as he watched his partner reach into his pocket. He pulled out a small black kippot and perched the skullcap atop his curls.

Hutch heard Starsky's soft voice begin to pray the beginnings of what he recognized as Hebrew.

Yit-ga-dal ve-yit-ka-dash she-mei ra-ba,
be-alma di-ve-ra chi-roo-tei, ve-yam-lich mal-chu-tei...

Hutch knew what this was. The Kaddish - an age-old Jewish prayer said in memory of a deceased loved one on the anniversary of their death. He'd heard Starsky refer to it - in this case, in memory of two.

Hutch stood quietly holding back his tears as he watched his partner in a way he'd never seen him before. Starsky didn't usually attend temple services - with the exception of the high holy days. But he knew the Kaddish. Yeah, this was a Starsky he'd really never seen, but one he knew was there somewhere.

...O-seh sha-lom bim-ro-mov, hu ya'aseh sha-lom olaynu,
v'al kol yis-roel; vim-ru O-mein.

said Starsky, as he finished. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on the name on the stone - "Theresa Anne 'Terry' Roberts."

He pulled the cap from his head and stood. "So long sweetheart. I'll see you next month. I love you."

Starsky turned to see Hutch standing next to the large oak nearby. Both men were startled. Hutch slowly walked toward his partner.

"Hi," he whispered quietly. "I - uh. I thought I'd find you here. It wasn't my intention to eavesdrop."

Starsky shrugged slightly, with a faint smile on his face. "Anything I say to Terry is okay for you to hear."

The two men walked a few yards away from the gravesite and sat on a small stone bench beneath a grove of trees.

"I'm sorry about last night," Hutch started.

"I know you ride me sometimes because you love me. That's okay. I wouldn't have it any other way." The dark-haired man smiled a bigger smile. After a brief silence, Starsky began to talk about his visits. "Today's the second anniversary of Terry's death. I came to..."

"... pray the Kaddish," Hutch finished to Starsky's delight.

"Very good!" Starsky was never surprised at what his partner would pick up in even the most vague of conversations. He could barely remember even mentioning the Kaddish to Hutch once on the anniversary of his father's death. He smiled sheepishly, "I don't remember EVERYTHING I learned in Hebrew school, but this is very important."

"Starsk, why didn't you tell me about Kenny?"

Starsky sat quietly for a moment and then spoke softly to his friend. "Well, first of all, we're not really sure if it was a Kenneth Michael or a Rachel Anne. Terry was only two months pregnant when she died. She only found out after she was shot and in the hospital that first time. When I talk to Terry about the baby, sometimes I call him Kenny and sometimes I call her Rachel. You caught us on a Kenny day."

"But why didn't you tell me?"

"Well," choosing his words carefully, "you were already feeling pretty badly for me. I didn't need a double helping of pity."

"I've never pitied you."

Starsky glanced down at his hands, folding and unfolding the black kippot. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

Hutch patted his partner's shoulder, "let's get going - we're going to be late."

The two stood and started walking toward their cars.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" Starsky questioned.

"Not much from what I hear. They started painting the squad room this morning," Hutch said doing his best to sound regretful.

"No kidding?"

"Doesn't look like we're going to get much done today, so..."

"I still got the paddles in my trunk," Starsky challenged.

"Loser buys the winner a three-course meal of his choice!"

"You're on," beamed Starsky accepting that challenge.

The two detectives got into their cars and headed off for just a normal, uneventful day at Metro.

End